Van Wilder Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the National Lampoon's Van Wilder script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Ryan Reynolds, Tara Reid, Kal Penn, etc.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Van Wilder. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Van Wilder Script




Coolidge College

was established in  18 --



Who knows this?

It was in your freshman facts.



The first day of spring semester.



A time to say good-bye

to the parents once again...



and say hello

to a few new student bodies.



As for me, well...



I like to start off each semester

with a certain time-honored tradition.



A ritual, if you will,

that allows me...



to get my head in the right place.



Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old...



but she is just so damn good.



She's great with these quick jobs...



plus there is no substitute

for decades of experience.



That looks amazing.



That is perfect. You're a pro.



A pro.



Look at me.






Well, gosh, that was great.

Thanks for the quick job there.



I need these in    minutes.






We've got a jumper!



Hold on, son.

You don't want to do this.



I didn't want to come here either.

They made me come!



They made me!



First year can be kind of scary,

can't it, Timmy?



My name's not--



But you know what I've learned

in my seven years here at Coolidge...






I've learned that you can't treat every

situation as a life-and-death matter...



because you'll die

a lot of times.



Write that down.



- I don't have a pen.

- Well, remember that then.



And you know something, Timmy?



I think you've got the balls

to make it here.



Call me nuts...



but I believe in you.



You see, Timmy, you can't let this

lead you all the time.



Sometimes you've gotta heed this.



I think you've got a lot of heart

in there, mister, don't you?



Don't you?

I mean, look around you.






Great work, Van. Thanks!



Remember my credo, Timmy.



Don't be a fool.

Stay in school.



God, I love this place.



Hey, Van. Hey, Van the man.



I called you last night, Van.



My name is Van Wilder,

and this is my home...



Coolidge College.



The last, well, seven years

have gone by way too fast.



This school's given me so much.

I just can't seem to give enough back.



- That's Van.

- That's him!



Oh, my God!



- Wow.

- Yeah. Wow.



I was the first-ever male cheerleader

at Huntington High!



The first ever!



Give me a V! Give me an A!



Give me an N!

What does it spell?



I see a rabbi, and he's

performing a circumcision...



on himself though.



You'll become disciplined.



Your mind will become a weapon.



I'm sorry. You really

just don't fit the profile.



We're just gonna do

a little bit of word association.






- My name is Van.

- Hi, my name is Terry.



Let's get it started then,

shall we?



Big finish.






- Having us both at the same time...

- Will definitely lighten your load.



- We will bend over backwards for you.

- There's nothing too big...



- we can't handle.

- And we mean nothing.



- We'll stay on top of you...

- And ride you all semester.



Basically, we're saying we won't

blow the job, Van.



By the way, can you tell me if

there'll be any international travel?



Seriously, I swear to God,

I'm really uncomfortable now.



It's time you should go.



Not one acceptable candidate.



What is wrong

with the youth of today?



The Internet, dude.



Fries their brain cells, man.



It's cool, Colossus.

We'll find somebody.



C-los, get your ass off my shirt.



You really should

have him neutered, man.



That's up to him.



They are getting bigger,

aren't they?



I'll get that.



Looks like we got one more.



What's your name?



I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad.



Where are you from, Taj?



I'm an exchange student

from Banglapur, India.




What can we do for you?



My exchange program culminates

at the end of this school year...



at which time I must return

to my home country...



where I do not have many friends.



I would like very much to spend my

remaining days here as your assistant.



Okay. We're just gonna do

a little word association.



Say the first thing

that comes to your mind. Milk.






Oh, Mommy.



Most Indians would say "cow"

because they are sacred...



but I hear ”milk,"

I think giant jugs.



You see, I cannot

go home a virgin.



I came here to study the great

American art of muff diving.



To smack clam, munch rug...



dine at just one American

pink taco stand.



You know, I wanted to-- how is it--

park the porpoise.



I want to take it

through the car wash, baby.



And get it waxed.

I want to wax it. Wax it!



You know, and air dry.



Air dry that shit, yeah.



And I would like to be

your assistant very much...



Mr. Van Wilder.



You'll need a copy of my class schedule

so you can take notes.



You'll also handle my finances.



I lecture at the freshman crisis group

every other Monday.



I'm spearheading the Save

the Swim Team Speedo Spectacular...



and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash

to Battle Bulimia this semester.



This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's

gone by he hasn't had an ailment.



Shingles, hepatitis, crabs.

That was his fault.



- Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin.

- Thanks, Van.



Don't pick at it.

Moving on.



I'm moving my  :   to  :  

my  :   to  :  ...



and my  :   till Wednesday.



You owe $      for the speed boat.



Cancel my guest lecture

at the Wharton School next week.



I feel like going somewhere tropical.

Tahiti. Are you writing this down?



- Yes, sir.

- You owe $       for the thoroughbred.



Schedule a massage after my golf game

tomorrow afternoon.



- With a happy ending?

- Ah, yes.



And another $      for your son's

tuition and housing this semester.




Van is still in school?



For the better part of a decade.




Is Prozac really the answer?"



"Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda."



"Tracking Tuition:

Where does our money really go?"



Each article well-written and researched

by our own Gwen Pearson...



and each article skipped over

by the majority of the student body.



I don't care.

I won't pander to them.



"Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The Showdown"

by Darius Grayson.



- Is that the same--

- Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson.



He was an alumnus

of our journalism staff.



He wrote his best stuff in detox.

Still does, I'm told.



I have got a very challenging

assignment for you.



A story that nobody's

been able to get.



- About what?

- No, no. It's about whom.



It does not look good.



That's the end of the first half...



and the Chickadees will need

a miracle to come back and score.



Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you

to step away from Van's vehicle.






He's got no business parking there.

That's my spot.



They need me, Ted.



This is the first time in my life

I'm glad I'm deaf!.



I can't hear the boos!

Now, listen up.



I'm only gonna go over this

one more time.



In the event they switch

to a zone defense...



we must swing the ball

around the perimeter.



This ball club is the heart

of this institution.



You win, it beats.

You lose, it breaks.



You're not boxing out, Big Papa.

You're my Windex man.



I want you shining glass.



We gotta D up out there.




I want you all over that ball

like a fat kid on a cupcake.



What are you looking at? Your mom

said you left your legs at home.



For God's sake!



I'd do anything for you guys...



which is why I'm throwing you

a little soiree tomorrow night...



but not without a W tonight.



You want to know why?

Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys.



Hey, man, you gonna invite

those freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke?



I already did.



They said they'd try to make it

if they weren't humping the Matadors.



- The Matadors?

- What?



Come on.

We got a ball game to win.



Let's go kick some Matador tail--



How bad do you wanna be...



a Delta?



Would you walk on broken glass?



Let the shards tear

into your Achilles tendon...



causing acute achondroplasia...



which could lead to non-congenital

dwarfism as you got older?



Ease up on the medical terms.

Just keep it simple and terrifying.



Gordon, there are very few things more

terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism.



Hey, Richard.

Ready to study?



Gwenny, I said  :  .

It's  :  .



I'm in the middle

of an   -year tradition here.



I will be up when I'm done with

my presidential responsibilities.



Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs.



Who's my alabaster princess?



You are. You are.



Relax, guys.

They're just Doritos.



Listen to me,

you little fuck stains!



When I count to three, you will jump

or be banished from this house forever!



One, two--






Excuse me.

Where can I find Van Wilder?



In the Guiness Book

of World-fucking-Records, man...



under "Raddest fucking dude alive"!



Okay. Thanks.



In any one of these three rooms,




Sweet Joseph,

my son's a fairy.



Dad, what are you doing here?



- Thank God.

- No jammies.



- Party foul.

- No, don't-- Oh, dear God.



Next time you'll know better.



Seven years, and no degree.

You should have graduated twice by now.



I've done a lot in seven years.



If you don't have your doctorate,

you haven't done enough.



But you have wasted enough

of your time and my money.



Pack up your panties, son,

because we are headin' home.



I'm staying here with my friends.



Fine. Maybe your friends

can pay your tuition.



Because this morning I placed

a stop payment on this semester's check.



I'm sorry, son.



Sometimes in life you have to

realize a poor investment...



and cut your losses.



Write that down.



I need more time.



There's got to be something

that we can work out.



What is that intoxicating scent

you're wearing, Doris?



I have cats.






Maybe you could put me

on some sort of extension...






- A little pay-as-you-go?

- Are you trying to seduce me?



Who, me? No!



You know, maybe this isn't

such a good idea.



Being bad seldom is.



Oh, yeah.



That's the shit.



Guess what. I'm feeling

a little cold sore coming on.



Maybe we shouldn't do this

for three to six weeks.



Shut up, bitch,

and give me some sugar.



Fill this out. It's a standard

payment plan extension form.



You mean, we didn't have to--



But aren't you glad we did?



You can either mail this in

or drop it off.



Go, baby, go!



Mail it in!



Mail it in! Mail it in.



Van, you must make four

monthly payments of $     each.



I'm sorry, Taj.

I'm gonna have to let you go.



I don't have the resources

to pay for your services anymore.



A good soldier

does not leave his commander...



just because he lies wounded,

arms torn off at the sockets...



intestines spilling out onto the mud,

picked at by the birds.



I will stay on at no charge.






Exactly how much money do you have?



- He has only $  .

- Damn, Van!



What the hell you gonna do

with $   man?



Congratulations, Taj!

Your first blow job.



In my country, a woman's mastery

of her gastronomical releases...



is the ultimate aphrodisiac.



Desiree is the foremost connoisseur

of chili con carne...



and a TA at Coolidge.



I wish I had teachers like that.



And just like that,

Topless Tutors was born.






equals... six?






We knew you could do it.



Desi told me how she

and a few of her grad school pals...



could use some extra income.



Taj proved to be

an excellent company accountant...



as well as our most valued client.



Excuse me.



I'm looking for information

on a current student here, Van Wilder.



Freshman year.

I'll get the others.



- Wait. There are more of these?

- Actually, there are many more.



It seems Mr. Wilder didn't quite

come out of his shell...



until mid-sophomore year.






It's like this itchy,

rashy burning sensation.



And it hurts when I--



- Dance?

- When I pee.



- You hooked up with a burner.

- Yeah.



She seemed like a nice girl,

said it was her first time?



Always check the quality of the turf

before you step onto the field.



Listen, go to the campus hospital,

see Stu.



Tell him Van sent you, and remember--

Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.



Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot.



Don't thank me.

Thank penicillin.



Crazy kids with their crazy VD.



- You must be Van.

- Hi.



I'm Gwen Pearson,

staff writer for The Liberator.



Okay, look, that old bag

is stronger than she looks.



I'm doing a human

interest piece on you.



I'm flattered.

I'd love for your piece to be on me.



But sadly I don't do interviews.

Never have, never will. I do lunch.



My editor did say

this would be a challenge.



Van, second date with Emily.



Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got

killer eyes, not unlike yourself.



- Has anyone told you that before?

- Yes, my boyfriend.



Is it true that this is

your seventh year at Coolidge?



Carry the two--

Yes, that's correct.



So what's your boyfriend's name?

Does he go to school here?



- Does he appreciate you?

- That's none of your business.



You know what? You're right.



His name's Richard.

He's premed.



Van, you have a  :  

with the swim team.



On it.



- You have an assistant?

- Yes, I do.



Is there anything you

can tell me about yourself...



that I haven't already found out

from your public records?



I'll be at the quad tomorrow night

at   :  . Sound good?



- It's a date.

- It's an interview, not a date.



Gwen, first dates are interviews.



You going out tonight?



Rob's coming over.

I'm closing in on that diamond, Gwen.



The dynamic duo

will seal the deal tonight.



Good luck, ladies.



Somebody got awfully dressed up

to quiz me on my anatomy midterm.



I'm so sorry, baby.

I totally forgot.



- I have an interview for the paper.

- At   :   at night?



Can't you postpone it?

Gwen, first exam-- most crucial.



It's not like you're on a deadline

for the Boston Globe.



It's the only time he had available.

I'll call you as soon as I get back.









All right. Gwen, all right!

You're just in time.



- Take your clothes off.

- I'm not taking off my clothes.



It is the Naked Mile Run. Everybody

else is in their birthday suit.



Except that guy.



- I have a few questions for you.

- In time. This is gonna be fun.



You know that three-letter word

that starts with F?



So you're quite the campus man,

heading events like the Jäger Olympics.



Yes, well, you haven't lived...



until you've shot putted

blitzed on Jäger.



- Heinie?

- This was a really bad idea.



Are we gonna reschedule or what?



Who's a big boy?



Oh, God!



Those things

could raise the Titanic.



You Van Wilder?



The strip club owner got tired

of using his B squad...



so he came back

for the starting lineup.



Topless Tutors was dead.



We are truly up the Ganges River

without a bamboo oar.



We're still $     short

of your next tuition payment.



Taj, I learned a long time ago

that worrying is like a rocking chair.



It gives you something to do,

but it doesn't get you anywhere.



Write that down.



Don't even sweat it, Taj.

I've got a plan.



- Let's go get fucked up.

- Sounds good.



Is that all you think about?



I admit I applied for this job...



because I wanted to cut loose

and shake my rump...



but I do not believe that this dilemma

will be solved by partying.



Can I help you, son?



I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder.



I come to you in desperation.



I'm Panos Patakos, president

of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity.



I'm sure you're aware

of our... stigma.



Yeah, you guys have had

the best GPA the last    years.



Indeed, but believe it or not...



the best GPA doesn't get you laid.



- Damn well should.

- Amen.



This month marks

our   th anniversary.



I am here to ask you to aid us

in throwing a party...



a party we can be proud of...



a party people will

actually show up to.



Gosh, I'd really love to help, but I

have a bamboo oar stuck up my Gangees.



It's very scary stuff.



I just don't have the time.



How much is your time worth?



Panos reminded me that I had one...



very valuable skill

I'd yet to tap--



my undeniable ability

to throw one hell of a party.



I was hanging on by a thread,

but I was still making tuition.



The strawberry! Eat the strawberry!

It's worth    !



- Don't you think I know that?

- You treat me like a child.



I don't like the way you

condescend me.



- Don't do that!

- Frankly, you're juvenile.






I know Ms. Pac Man's special.



She's fun. She's cute.

She swallows.



But we gotta talk, guys.



Huddle up. Come on.

Team meeting here.



Cowboy. All right.



I look at you guys,

and you know what I see?



A collective GPA of      ?



Yeah! No!



I see a bunch of party animals...



crouched in attack position,

ready to strike.



Am I right?



No one even knows we're here.



Au contraire, mon frères.




I'd like you to meet

Sherri and Terri.



Two girls utterly infatuated...



with men who have

larger than normal...



medulla oblongatas.



Pearson, I got a hot news tip for you.

It's Friday night. Get out of here.



I know. I'm just doing some final

revisions to this piece on euthanasia.



Oh, I read that.

Made me want to kill myself.



I'm kidding.



- Where's my Wilder story?

- There is no story, Elliot.



The guy's a joke. He tries to turn

every interview into a date.



A good writer gets her story

no matter what.



Please get me the Wilder piece.

He's throwing a big party tonight.



You should be there.



- This is really a pimpin' good time.

- Yes, it is.



Look who's checking out

the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi.



That's "I moan" backwards.



I put in a good word for you.



Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie.



These are the most pathetic

bunch of pledges.



You picked 'em.



Hey, babe.



- Why aren't you in costume?

- I can't stay. I have to work tonight.



You're gonna miss

the biggest party of the year.



Well, I gotta go.



- I'll call you tomorrow.

- What?



This party so rocks, Richard.



- This party sucks rectum, Jeannie.

- Okay.



Where the hell is everyone?



Mad props

for this pimpin' good time...



go out to those

hung and handsome bad boys...



of Lambda Omega Omega.



Thanks for the good time, fellas.



- Let's get you some skates.

- I'm not here to skate.



For some reason,

my editor thinks you're a story.



What do you think?



As a story, I think...



you're a little soft.



Wow, all this time I thought I was more

to you than just some flaccid story.



A dilemma has arose up front.



- Don't know if we got our point across.

- Crystal clear, guys.



- This is incredible.

-     percent. Don't go anywhere.




Van is a godsend.



I would have paid him way more

than a grand for this party.



I would have cashed in

my Israel bonds.



- How do you put a price on dignity?

- How do you put a price on poonani?



- Yes!

- Oh, God!



Oh, my God. Feel it!



Whoa. Trick or treat.

What's going on?



This vaginal discharge

won't let us partake in the party.






I'm sure we can accommodate

a few more, yeah?



No can do.

We're at maximum capacity.



- What are you doing here?

- You two know each other?



That's my girlfriend,

gluteous erecti.



- You must be premed Dick.

- Yeah, that's right.



- What's it to you?

- Thanks for the story.



What story?



Brilliant, Pearson.



I have been inundated

with people telling me...



how much they enjoy

reading about this guy.



They want more, and so do I.

I want you to do a follow-up.



I did your story, Elliot.

I'm not doing another one.



Even if I tell you it's gonna be on the

front page of the graduation issue...



in two months?



And I quote,

"Van Wilder is a party pimp."



Sick Boy.

Can you believe she wrote that?



Van Wilder's phone.

I do not foresee that to be a problem.



And that guy she's with--

all kinds of wrong for her.



- Sick Boy, how are you doing?

- Van, the shingles are all gone.



That ointment really worked.






Lookin' good there, buddy.



- He'll call you back.

- Unbelievable.



Van Wilder's phone.



- Terrible.

- I think so. Yeah.



- Hang on.

- Unbelievable.



Van's room.

Saturday night, yeah.



That's-- How did you--

From the paper?



Yeah, that's fine!

Okay, thanks.



- No problem confirming. Bye.

- This writing, it's just--



I was just wondering if you could...

slam the door in my face.



Van, you must listen to me.



Because of her article, everybody wants

to have a party thrown by Van Wilder...



the party liaison.



Your cash camel has arrived!



We need to talk.



This is why I don't do interviews.

You totally slammed me.



You journalists

and your irresponsible reporting.



I recorded quotes that you got money

from the Lambdas to throw them a party.



Recorded? What are you, bugged?

Do I need to frisk you?



Why is my story

such a big deal to you?



Because I didn't want the students

to know I threw the party.



They paid me, but that's not

the only reason I did it.



Lambdas are cool in their own right.

People just needed to realize it.



I'm sorry. I didn't know

you had a benevolent agenda.



There's two sides

to every story, Gwen.



I have a chance to make front page

of the graduation issue...



which is a huge deal to me.



Let me get the other side.



There's this function

I'm hosting tomorrow night.



If you want...

you could tag along.



- I'll be there.

- It's a date.



It's an interview.



Remember, today's assignment

is about shadow.



So don't get too hung up

on detail.



All right, everybody?



Oh, Lord!



So much sinew,

I need a bigger pencil.



 :   p.m.

Yeah, that's fine.



Word spread around campus. My calendar

was filled with parties to plan.



Van Wilder, party liaison, was born.



At the Hillel House, I broke bread.



And then I broke the boredom.



They said I did them a mitzvah.

That's Yiddish for "good deed."



Write that down.



Oh, yeah, she came too.



This is the second party

of his she's gone to.



Sounds serious. Threatened?



Threatened? Please.



I'm president of both my fraternity

and the student government.



He's nothing more

than a mild rectal itch.



You know what you do

about a mild rectal itch, Gordo?



- What's that, Richard?

- You scratch it.



Then you scratch it some more.



The more you scratch at it,

the worse it gets...



until finally you have nothing left

but a raw, chafed...



possibly infected anal cavity.



Then it's won.



When all you had to do from the start

was take a medicated pad...



and smother it.



All right, people,

midterm is next week.



Here you have your five categories--



commerce and trade,

so forth and so on.



What you doing?



I'm in the middle of class.

You know, that five-letter word.



I thought we could spend

some time together...



for the story.



I want you to have this.



- Yeah.

- And thank you.



All right, things to remember--

commerce and trade--



Everybody just file out

in an orderly fashion.



What? Come on. Hop in.



I am not getting

in that thing with you.



If you want the story,

you'll get in this thing with me.



What happened?

Is everyone okay?






Are we gonna get in trouble

for being in here?



It's cool. Equipment manager owes me

a favor. I introduced him to his wife.



Life is all about

developing relationships, Gwen.



I hope you can skate.



So the deal is, I score...



you cooperate

and answer all my questions?



- I miss--

- Dinner for two, me and you.



Clothing optional.



Come on!



Holy crap.



My brothers play hockey...



for the Rangers.



My dad just didn't see me

as a sound investment anymore.



But he gave up on me and my mom

long before I ever came here.



Maybe seven years of tuition...



is a good way to remind him

that you're still angry.



So how long have you

and premed Richard been together?



- Since my freshman year.

- I bet he's a tighty whitey guy.



- Excuse me?

- White, elastic band, constrictive.



You can tell a lot about a person

by the kind of drawers they wear.



Like you. Granny panties, I bet.



Does that allude to me

being the plain, boring type?



I just wanted a visual.



I think it takes a lot more than

the kind of underwear one wears...



to define them as a person.



Like what?



Like their actions.



For instance, most people...



want to get out of school

so they can make money.



You're trying to make money

to stay in school.



- Why?

- I like it here.



What about your future?



- You take life way too seriously.

- Life is serious.



I used to party with this guy

who once told me...



"Don't take life too seriously.

You'll never get out alive."



He used to write

for the school paper.



He kept babbling about the differences

between light and dark beer.



Very strange, but good advice.



You think about the future too much,

you kinda forget about the present...






And I am really enjoying

the present right now...



sharing a penalty box and a tri-latte

with Gwen Pearson...



who believes censorship reflects

society's lack of confidence in itself.



You actually read that article?



Okay, look, I read the damn article,

but don't tell anyone...



because if word gets out that I read,

my reputation--



shot to hell.



She's smart, she's beautiful...



she can skate.



She's not for you, dude.

She's too high-strung.



Besides, babes that fine--



they're way into themselves

and shit.



After this weekend,

we should have sufficient funds...



to cover your next two payments.



I mean, this girl is dynamite.



Too bad she's dating

Strapper John, MD.



- Where did you find that?

- In your room a few days ago.



I'm trying to spark this bong,

but this damn thing won't light.



That's no bong!

It's for my schlong!



Hold on.



You mean I put my mouth

on your cock pump?



Oh, damn!



I have a date with Naomi

tomorrow night...



and I just wanted

to bring my A game.



Taj, come on!

That's what I'm here for, right?



Now, follow my foolproof plan...



and I'm gonna help you put

the bang in Banglapur.



All you need are the three

fundamentals-- scented candles...



massage oil...



and Barry White.



Write that down.



- Hey, no cock pump.

- No cock pump.



Barry White.



- I'm gonna go wash my hands now.

- Oh, Gwen!



Your labia feels so good

around my swollen phallus.



I'm fairly confident

I'm going to ejaculate.



I'm releasing my seminal fluids

inside of you now!



Are you okay?



Yeah. Why?



Didn't you--



It's kinda hard in    seconds.



Damn it!



You know the kind of pressure

I'm under with my exams.



- I'm sorry.

- Look, I'm sorry.



This semester's marks could determine

the next ten years of our lives.



Do you realize that?



You know...



you shouldn't take life

too seriously.



You'll never get out alive.



What the hell

is that supposed to mean?



I'm late for my study group.



She was getting awfully chummy

with the rectal itch.



Son of a bitch.




Yes, superior leader, sir.



It's time to excise

that cancerous lump.



Forget him. Let's crap in the chapter

room and make the pledges clean it up.



- It'll be fun.

- I wish I could, Gordo.



I got dinner

at Gwen's parents' house.



Sounds special.

Is Wilder gonna be there?



Hey, guys. Hey, Richard.



Is there anything

I can do for you today?



Dear Van--



Here you go, Taj.

Get your rave on, man.



- Thanks.

- You got it.



"See you tonight. Gwen."

The invite to the parents' house.



This is big.

This is very, very big.



- Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

- Details.



I'm off.

Taj, you're in charge.



I do not think I'm capable

of handling such a responsibility.



Listen to me. Do you know why

I chose you as my assistant?



So you could teach me

how to muff dive?



Well, yeah, but also...



because you have the potential

to be great.



- May I help you?

- Yeah, I'm Van--



You made it.



Evelyn, this is one of your daughter's

acquaintances from school.



There's room for one more?



By all means.

Come in, please.



Definitely be out of the question

unless they all agreed with us...



and we talked it over.



Excuse me, gentlemen.



Excuse me, gentlemen.



Van, this is Dr. Henke,




Oh, well, holy crap.

I hope you're not on call tonight.



Dr. Beaverman, OB-GYN.



Van Wilder,

G-L-A-D to meet you.



And of course, Gwen's father.



I'm gonna go out on a limb here.



Dr. Pearson?



- Indeed.

- Indeed. Super.



All right.

So... am I here for a physical?



'Cause I'm gonna need a few cocktails

before I start coughing for you fellas.



- What are you doing here?

- I don't know.



No, thank you.



Mr. Wilder here

is quite the collegian.



He's in his, what, sixth year?



Lucky number seven, actually.



- What are you studying, son?

- I dabble in a bit of everything.



I've tried to experience

all that Coolidge has to offer.



Surely you have a career in mind.



Not really.



I'm still looking for that

dare-to-be-great situation.



Maybe you should start looking for

that dare-to-be-employed situation.



The student body

finds Van so intriguing...



that my editor has asked me

to do an exposé on him...



for the school newspaper.



Isn't that wonderful?



- That will be quite the page-turner.

- It'll be a very well-written article.



Gwen is an extremely gifted




Are you and Richard

in the same fraternity?



Oh, no.



Van isn't exactly

Delta Iota Kappa material.



Richard, you rascal, you never

told me that you were a DIK.



Not that you had to.



I'm gonna go get

another bottle of champagne.



- Richard, will you help me open it?

- Sure.






If he's here,

who's running Hell?



- What are you doing out there?

- Proving a point.



Your friend doesn't fit in.

He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine.



- I can't believe you're doing this.

- Pop quiz. True or false.



You and that GDI have been spending

an inordinate amount of time together.



True. Now here's a multiple choice

question for you.



You're A, an asshole; B, an asshole

who isn't staying at my place tonight...



- or C, all the above?

- What's B again?



Gwenny, I'm kidding.

I apologize.



- Gwenny, where are you going?

- To go save Van.



God only knows what my parents and

their stuck-up friends are doing to him.



Okay! All right!



You're a natural, Dr. P.

Hey, what are you looking at?



- Henke, you're up. Come on.

- All right.



Easy, sailor.



All right, Wilder, let's dance.



It's a good day to die, McDoogle.



Oh, yes.



Jesus! Criminy!



What happened to you, Wilder?

Don't think I don't remember.



You got an A

in my freshman economics class.



You remember one thing--



Apathy is the glove

into which evil slips its hand.



I'll write that down.



You do that.

You're not fooling anybody!



You're only fooling yourself!.



- Why don't you walk?

- I think I'll walk from here.



Are you stalking me?

Because that would be super.



My mom did want me to invite you

to her Tupperware party next week.



Was that a--



Judges' ruling.



Uh-huh. Yeah.

I do believe that was a joke.



I want to apologize for what

Richard did the other night.



It was a really immature stunt.



Yeah, I know...



but sometimes guys can do

some pretty childish things.



Let us proceed.



- Is he ready?

- Ah, yeah, he's ready.



It's go time.



Such a good boy.



Oh, stop for a second.




Okay. Keep going.



For the love of God.



Smile, buddy.






It's all about presentation,




Well, I'll be damned!



Poor guy just needed

a little TLC.



I got it, guys.

No problem whatsoever.



Let the damn baby

have his ball back.



Thank you, brothers.



It's not like he can see

out of it anyway.






Awesome work, sisters.



Special delivery!



- Time out.

- What the fuck, Jeannie?



"From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau."

Dig in, guys.



Oh, they're still warm.



- So creamy.

- They're awesome.



Oh, they're so creamy.



God, these are excellent.



Guys? Richard?



Think I've had these before.



Oh, my God!



I love this song.



I know.



It is the White Barry.



Is that for me?



I long to rub you the right way.



You're such a bad

little Badalandabad.



No harm, no foul.



- Are you all right?

- Never better, my jasmine flower.



That feels so good.



Oh, my God.



Take me.



I want you now.









Don't tease me.



This is the culmination

of my being.



Baby, I'm about to culminate.

Now, get over here.



Tajy, I'm so hot.



- I feel on fire.

- Oh, yeah, me too, baby.



- Burning up.

- Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up.



You are most amazing

to make me feel so...



damn hot!



I wonder how T-Bad's date's going.



Scented candles,

massage oils, Barry White.



Yeah, we can't be too far

from climax, huh?



- Why do I always fail?

- You put too much pressure on yourself.



Don't worry about the money.

I'll figure something out.



More importantly...



when the time is right...



it'll happen.



You'll find the one.



I need to see the grade transcripts

for Van Wilder, please.



I don't think so.



Student transcripts

are confidential. Sorry.



Swim team really does

need your love, folks.



And if Milty Mingleton

can shove himself...



into that weenie bikini...



then you don't need to be shy

about making your donations now!



Thank you, Milty!



After we put all the water

back in the pool...



we'll be accepting donations

in the form of...



cash, Visa

and full-frontal nudity.



Hutch, take over.



That's right, folks.

Save the swim team.



Bikini-clad judges for a fund-raiser?

That's pretty ingenious.



Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells.



It's not too late for you to enter

the doubles breaststroke if you like.



No, thanks.

I forgot my suit.



I just came across a bit

of interesting information.



All right, look.



The vet assured me that canine semen

is perfectly healthy.



In fact, surprisingly rich--



You've been    units shy of graduating

for the past   semesters.



Whoa. You went klepto

on my transcripts.



What's going on with you?



You're actively trying

not to get out of here.



Why are you doing this? Do you ever

stop playing the in-depth reporter?



I just want to know why

you're putting off your life.



Not for the paper.

For me.



I have no comment...



for either of you.



External occipital protuberance.



Posterior gluteal line.



Dorsal appendage. Gwen.



- Was the last one right?

- Yeah, that's right.



Wrong! The dorsal appendage exists

only in marine-equipped mammalia.



I knew you weren't listening.



- What's wrong with you?

- Nothing. I'm fine.



Let's get out of here,

go grab a beer.



Are you insane?

You know my midterm and finals ritual.



I study till   :  .

Nine solid hours of sleep.



Protein shake in the morning.

Okay, very cute.



And also correct.



Which gives us   hours

and    minutes of study time.



So, honey, please focus.

All righty?



I have confirmations

from the African-American Club...



the Gay and Lesbian Caucus,




This multi-coalition party

was a masterful plan.



It should triple our income.

I just hope it's enough.



Van, you must listen to me.



We are merely one party away

from accomplishing our goal.



What if she's right, huh?



What if I'm avoiding graduation

because I'm scared?



Listen to yourself, meathead.



You've never doubted yourself

in your whole life.



This girl's got you thinking, man.

It's not good.



- Not good at all.

- Hey, you!



Please move banner

a skosh higher, huh?



You got all this.

I'm gonna go--



I'm gonna go make some calls

for the party, okay?



- Hi, Van.

- Hi, Donna.



Hey, guys.



- What are you doing in here?

- I had to talk to you.



I thought a lot about

what you said, and--



Well, just--



just take a look at this.



Yeah. Doodles.



I attended class today.

Just about stayed the whole time too.



I'm glad you went

to all your classes today.



And a few that weren't mine.

Stepped into the wrong one.



Liked what I heard, stayed.



That's great. It really is.



It really is.

But don't do it for me.



Do it for you.



Maybe I'm doing it

for both of us.



I shouldn't even

be talking to you like this.



And I shouldn't be

in the women's locker room!



But sometimes you gotta let

your heart lead you...



even if you know it's someplace

you know you're not supposed to be.



How often does your heart lead you

into the women's locker room?



- This would be a first.

- Why do I find that hard to believe?



I'm not saying I've never

been in here before.



I'm saying it's usually a different part

of my anatomy that does the leading.



Oh, my God.



I just couldn't believe it.

Gwen and Van in the women's locker room.



I mean, I just couldn't believe it.

So anyway, let me tell you something.



I'm sorry, fellas.

The bakery's closed.



- I'm here to enlist your services.

- Let me guess.



"Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis,

come-gargling frat boy party"?



Then your mom can come.



It's gonna be a bachelor party.



One last night of debauchery

with the fellas...



before settling down

with my fiancée, Gwen.



Oh, please, you didn't think she'd

be interested in a fuckup like you?



That ought to be enough

to get you started.







I'm just using Gwen's computer.



Is Gwen there?

I need to talk to her.



She's at Richard's getting ready for

the engagement dinner tonight. Message?



Nope. That's all right.



Bye. Thanks for coming.



Lindsey and Rob make such

a great couple, don't you think?



Yeah, I'm happy for them.



They're gonna make a great

married couple too. You know why?



Because they love each other?



Because they're compatible.



Like a heart transplant patient finding

a donor with the same blood type...



and just the right

chromosomal anomalies.



A perfect match,

connected forever.



But that would mean

one of them would have to be dead.



Gwenny, I'm just saying

that they're a match.



Just like you and me.



Lucky girl.



Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson...



I'd be honored if you and I

surgically and spiritually...



grafted our lives together.




I don't know what to say.



Just say yes, because

I've got even more amazing news.



Northwestern called this morning.

They wanna interview me.



They're gonna send some recruit alums

to campus for written and oral exams.



And then I am in!



Oh, man, Northwestern.



That's great.

I'm so happy for you, Richard.



Be happy for both of us. The Richard

and Gwen life plan is kicking in.




I am the shit.



Your father wants to get us a place in

Forest Grove as an engagement present.



- My parents know about this?

- Yeah, I told everyone.



Where are you going?



I'm not sure,

and for some reason...



I feel really good

about that.



I can't hold on



There's no easy way



Hey, Van, can I borrow--



My God, what happened to you?



- I got hit by a big truck.

- Are you okay?



I'm all out of love



I'm so lost without you



I know you were right



Believing for so long



Dope song.

What's it called?



"Gwen Used Me For Her Story,

Then Married an Ass Wipe...



and Ran Over My Heart

With a Big Metaphorical Truck."



Originally performed

by Air Supply.



Who's Air Supply?



How old are you, Sally?



I'm old enough to be jealous

of that Gwen girl.



Okay, you can do this.



I'm all out of love



I'm so lost without you



I know you were right

believing for so long



You must be Gwen--

the truck driver.



Hey. Excuse me.




Hey, hold up a second.

What are you doing here?



What am I doing here?

What were you doing in there?



As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure

that's my room, wasn't it?



What was that girl,

a freshman?



She reads at a sophomore level.



This was a big mistake, Van.

I'm leaving.



Why are you here? Did you come to

hire me to do your bachelorette party?



'Cause your party pimp has already

been booked by your fiancé.



- My fiancé? What are you talking about?

- When are you two tying the knot?



Seriously, I'd really

like to hold that date open.



That is none of your business.

And you know what?



You're none of mine.



Sounds to me like your rectal itch

was getting a late-night booty scratch.



First, my bitch turns down my proposal.

Then she runs into that loser's arms.



Now I don't even know

where my bitch is.



Wilder's got some big blowout tonight.

Maybe your bitch is gonna be there.



You do not call her that, gonad!



Hey, guys.

Just giving you all the     .



I'm a counselor for the Further

Leaders of America's overnighter.



The bus doesn't leave for a few hours.

Is there anything I can do before I go?



Anything at all?



Okay, listen up. We've got

one quick stop off before we go.



Tit wad!



All right, thank you, man.

Enjoy yourself.



All right, sister. Enjoy yourself.

Power to the people.



- How you doing, my man?

- What's up?



I hate to break this to you, Ming,

but you ain't Asian.



Man, you ever heard

of Tiger Woods, bitch?



You better get out of here before I hit

you upside the head with a three iron.



What's wrong with you?

Enjoy yourself.



- What's wrong, dog?

- Nothing. I don't feel like partying.



That's a first.



Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by

and extend an olive branch.



- ID, please.

- It's a terrible picture of me, but--



Well, I'll be the judge of--



There's nothing fake

about this ID.



Did you sit behind me

two semesters ago?



I think I remember this behind.

I mean, you sitting behind me.



This whole rivalry thing

has become a tad childish.



Well, I hope we can put it

all behind us and be friends.



That's what Gwen wants.



You have absolutely

no idea what Gwen wants.



Say hi to your gerbil for me.



Okay, kids.



This is our Uncle Jäger.



That's right.

Drink up.



This tastes like shit.

Do you have any scotch?



Gotta go.

Sorry. Bye.



Bye-bye. Call me.









We got an anonymous tip that there's

some underage drinking going on here.






Hell no, man.

I've been at the door all night.



Good enough for me.

Have fun, guys.



All right, Trapper.

Stay cool.



- I love you, man.

- No, man.



I love you.



Those circus midgets

cannot hold their booze!



Don't worry, Van.

We'll get you out, man.



Delta Iota Kappa rules!



Damn it, Gwen, pick it up.

I know you're there.



You know I have my Northwestern

interview next week.



Look, I need you

to help me "release"...



some pressure.



You know, help me "relax."



Just so we're clear,

I'm talking about intercourse.



I know you had

a fling with Wilder.



And it's okay. You just had

to get it out of your system.



I just hope

you used some protection.



And I wouldn't want

our future children to be tainted...



because Mommy went slumming

one night back in college.



Why don't you go "release"

your own pressure?



And just so we're clear,

I'm telling you to go fuck yourself!.



Hi, partner in crime. Is there anything

I can do for you today?



Oh, my God!



We make such the fab team!



Last night, I was so like Bonnie and

you were so like Clyde. And now this.



Would you shut up?

I'm trying to pleasure you.



Sorry, Richard.

Pleasure away.



- PS, this is an awesome room.

- PS, shut the fuck up!



Here, I'm done

with all of this.



- The Wilder story's not done.

- Read it before you criticize.



He got expelled today.

Is that in your story?



'Cause it should be.



- Is Van here?

- He don't wanna see you.



- Excuse me?

- Look.



- Why don't you just leave him alone?

- Home wrecker.



Oh, thank you!

Thank you!



Out of my way!



Stop packing! You can appeal the

expulsion. It's in the school charter.



"Any student may appeal an expulsion

before the university judicial board...



and state his or her case

within    hours of being discharged."



Do you want my hot tub,

or should I just give it to Milty?



We can get the law club to help.



They owe you after the

"Sue Me, Screw Me" soiree you threw.



Thank you. I appreciate it.

I'm really not interested.



- You're not hearing me--

- It's over, Taj!



Fuck you, Van Wilder!



You heard me.

I say-- I say...



fuck you, you-you-you--






you pussy ass motherfucker!



You-- You dicksucker!



Don't sugar coat it, Taj.



Tell me how you really feel.

Seven years.



Seven years!

I've accomplished nothing!



There's no reason

to stay here anymore!



Sure, sure.

You've made tons of friends...



who in the drop of a rupee do anything

for you, and that doesn't mean much?



Who cares about Sick Boy

and the charities you've helped...



and all of our athletics--

those are all so minuscule?



And I guess so is a promise...



made to a wet-behind-the-ears kid

from India whose only dream...



was to bury his face

in a beautiful woman's lotus patch.



You have shown me a life

I could only dream about...



back home while masturbating

in my father's woodshed.



Most importantly,

you saw potential...



in me.



If you do not see potential in yourself,

then you are a blind man.



I'm leaving.



Then leave.

But leave the honorable way.



You've been looking for

that dare-to-be-great situation.



It is at your doorstep.



We need to talk.



Get me the law club.



It's ridiculous!

It's preposterous!



It's ludicrous!

By God, it's impetuous!



- So does that mean you gonna help us?

- Oh, it's on.



Let Van stay! Let Van stay!



Let Van stay! Let Van stay!



We are now in session.

Mr. Wilder.



You were found in violation of Article

  Section B of Coolidge's bylaws--



soliciting of alcohol

to extreme minors...



which is grounds

for immediate expulsion.



You have opted to appeal.



The floor is yours.



Ladies and gentlemen...



as you know...



I've been a student here

for seven years, and I've--



Let Van stay!

Let Van stay!



Order! Order!

Settle down, everyone.



- Continue, Mr. Wilder.

- I'm okay.



I've learned a lot here

at Coolidge.



Let the record show that...



when I attended class...



I did receive exemplary marks.



However, it was only when I met

a special someone...



that I realized

what I was doing--






See, after this is real life,

and I wasn't ready for that.



I don't know why exactly.



I do know that I don't wanna

end up like my father...



whose whole life

revolves around work.



But I see that now.



And I'm ready to move on.



Well, that's that. Good luck, loser.

Who's ready for lunch?



- Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet.

- What's any of this got to do with...



that he's guilty of an infraction

that deserves expulsion?



Mr. Wilder.



I can't argue

against the infraction.



I was responsible for that party,

so what happened was my fault.



I'm here to lay myself

at the mercy of this court...



and suggest an alternative punishment.



Make me graduate.



If you'll kindly take

a look at my transcripts...



you'll see I'm    units from graduating

with a leisure studies degree.



I am pleading to this committee,

reinstate me.



Let me audit my last six classes,

take the finals...



and leave Coolidge with a degree.



God, I've bled...



crimson and blue

for nearly a decade.



This school has given me so much.

Let me repay Coolidge...



by parting ways as a graduate.



What are the courses

Mr. Wilder needs in order to graduate?



Biology, English Lit,

Calculus, Economics...



- Sociology and Political Science.

- Wow.



- That's quite a load.

- Well, Van can handle quite a load.



If we expel him, there could be

some sort of a coup d'état.



He broke a rule.

He should pay the consequences.



Well, let's take a vote.



There's five of us here.

Majority rules.



I vote reinstatement.



- Mr. Bagg?

- Expulsion.



Miss Haver?






over and over.



Okay. Mrs. Seay?






Professor McDoogle?



You know, I've waited a long, long time

for this day to come.



Either way...



Van Wilder's tenure here

at Coolidge is over.



Let's see what

the kid's made of.



He's in! He's in!



- Hey, Jeannie.

- Look.



I just wanted to explain about

the whole, you know, Richard thing.



Me and Richard's unspoken bond blossomed

the other night in one beautiful...



symbiotic act.



- What sort of act?

- Messing up that Van Wilder party.



And then we bumped uglies.



It was the best ten seconds ever.






Yes, these interviews

are somewhat of a formality...



but I think it's crucial we like-minded

people get to know one another.



- I knew you'd come to your senses.

- Hello, Richard.



Look. I know we have a lot of surgery

to perform on our relationship.



But right now I am prepping

for the biggest moment of our lives.



I have a written exam first, and then an

interview with five Northwestern alums.



All doctors.



That's why I came--

to help make you your shake.



- That'd be terrific, Gwenny.

- I'll see you downstairs.



But hurry. Interview's in a half hour,

other side of campus.



Sorry about that.




I am the shit.



You certainly will be.



Gwenny, thank you.



Good luck, honey.

You deserve it.



I certainly do.






Nothin' but net, my man.



Now remember, before any final,

take a pregame dump.



Thanks for coming in.

You did a great job, really.




I was just talking about you.



Hey, surprise.

I'm on your oral exam board.



Look, come in here. I want you to meet

your future alumni.



- I gotta go--

- No, come on. It's a great time.



Look, it's Richard.



Finished his written exam in only

   minutes. This kid is a dynamo.




I want you to meet Dr. Stern.



Dr. Fine.



It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bagg.

I've heard a lot about you.



- Dr. Brown.

- This is something of a formality.



We just want to

get to know you better.



And Dr. Smelnick.



Richard, is there something

you want to say?



You look like you want

to get something out, son.



Oh, my God!



- Vile.

- Oh, it burns!



I'm bleeding!



Dear God, that's wretched.



"Oh, I kept the first

for another day.



Yet knowing how way

leads on to way...



I doubted if I should

ever come back."



I want you to tell me what

Robert Frost was trying to express here.



I'm gonna need at least

one more booklet.



- What?

- In other school news...



we have an update

on the "Wilder Watch."



The rigorous day has been

a success for Van the man.



Five finals in the can with Professor

McDoogle's advanced econ final to go.



Van! Van, wake up,

wake up, wake up.



- Your final's in exactly seven minutes!

- All right.



It's the moment of truth, people.



I'm so glad you could fit us

into your schedule this morning.



Wouldn't miss it

for the world, sir.



All right.



Pass these out.

Thank you.



It's getting to be

that time of the hour.



And your time is up, Mr. Wilder.

Pencils down.



- Thank you.

- For four years...



I have been grooming myself

for the real world.



I, like many, define the real world

as stuff that happens after graduation.



But I was wrong. It took a man by

the name of Van Wilder to teach me that.



You've all undoubtedly

been to one of Van's parties.



He's probably touched your life

in some way, whether you know it or not.



Watch Van do belly flops

into a pool...



but make sure you see he's raised $    

to give the swim team a next season.



As you're all aware,

Van was almost expelled.



What you probably

don't know is that he was set up...



by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat boy...



one who this reporter knows firsthand

to have a serious problem...



with premature ejaculation.



And in reaction

to this lynching...



Van put in more effort in six days

than most have all semester.



Win or lose, we should thank him for

reminding us what we're all capable of.



That's simply what he does--



he inspires the uninspired.



Van. Hurry. The night of fun

and fornication's upon us.



Hey, have you heard from Gwen?



No, she--

she hasn't yet called back.




I'll be down in a minute, okay?



- Okay.

- See ya, V.




This is some pad you got here.



Decorated in early fuck.



Well, I made it a point

to personally come down here, Wilder.



I wanted to give you the results

of your test firsthand.



And just as I expected...



you succeeded.



- Ninety-one percent.

- What?



I'm proud of you, Wilder.



I've been waiting all these years

for you to realize your potential.



That's why you and I

had friction?



I thought it was 'cause I fooled around

with your daughter freshman year.



Why? What-- You fooled around

with my daughter?






Hey, I know you.



- Thank you very much.

- You're the best, Van.



Hey, I couldn't have did it

without you. Appreciate it.



I need you to fill this up with ice.

Pack as much as you can inside.



- Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.



My name is

Orissa Punjab Nizamabad.



I've just transferred here

from Banglapur.



Excuse me.

Can you tell me...



where I might find

the raddest fucking dude alive?



Yeah, by the pool, Gramps.



Hey, I know you, man!

Oh, fuck.



Congratulations, Van.

I knew you had it in you.



Dad! I can't believe

you're here.



I can't believe you graduated.



A friend of yours...



sent me this.



I'm proud of you, Van,

graduation or no graduation.



Thank you.

And I'm sorry that I spent...



such a buttload

of your money for so long.



It's by far the best investment

I ever made.



- You did good.

- Let's get this man "leid."



Meet my new girl.



You look so--






- Wow.

- I was hoping you'd say that.



- May I?

- As long as we cuddle afterwards.



There's so much

that I need to say-- the article--



I was scared

that you wouldn't come.



Well, I was trying to decide

what panties I should wear.



Which ones did you choose?






It's gonna be a bachelor party.



One last night of debauchery

with the fellas.



You can't even--



I mean, this girl is--



- I was wondering--

- I'll do it.



I'm getting my shit together.

Just one second.



I can't do this!



Oh, man. My mama never told me

I'd be doing this.



I want to chew the--



And then--

I don't know how.



Kids, this is what white jockey

blowin' hookers will do to you.

Special help by SergeiK