Vegas Vacation Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Vegas Vacation script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Chevy Chase movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Vegas Vacation. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Vegas Vacation Script


Hi, honey.

Smells good.

- Can I have...
- Don't, don't! Come in here and gather around! - I must show you something!
- My new car? Keep dreaming. Here, eat these. - They're chocolate chip.
- They're delicious. They're 4 years old. Anyone for milk? 8 years old. It's my long-life food preservative.
It's been approved! I got my big bonus! - Congratulations.
- Isn't it great? And... ...that's not all. Mr. Shirley thinks a guy like... ...Clark Griswold deserves days off. And Clark Griswold thinks he should
take those days off and... ...take his family on a fabulous
vacation to... ...fantastic Las Vegas! There's nothing to do there. Clark, I don't think that Las Vegas
is the kind of place you take a family. Oh, come on. Las Vegas has changed, Ellen. It's the No family
destination in America. I'm not going.
The people there are so phony. Is there legalized prostitution? Not within the city limits. But there is... ...first-class entertainment,
beautiful scenery... ...and all the shrimp cocktail
you can eat. Listen, everybody... many more chances will we get
to do something as a family? Ellen and I are always working. And you guys are growing up so fast
I hardly recognize you anymore. Okay. There's one more reason
why you should all go. I'm remarrying your mom... ...if she'll have me. Really, Sparky? What do you say? My th anniversary.
I could use a best man. Have a bridesmaid in mind? - How about Audrey?
- Audrey who? Dad! What do you say? Let's do it! I think this is going to be
the greatest vacation ever. You know you look really
beautiful right now? You know, honey... ...the guys at work tell me there's
this club we can join if we... in the bathroom. Clark, are you serious? You love me, don't you? I do, but here? Now? We've been married years. How do we do it? Go first, I'll be behind you. Are you okay? You look red. Just going to the restroom. Excuse me. Where're you going? Your mother's got something in her eye.
I'm going to... her get it out. Maybe we should... ...join... ...some other kind of club. I just want time with you. I just think there's... ...a better time...
- This will be our best one. Foot, foot! I got it. I got it. I'll never fly again. The pilot was helpful. The whole plane applauded. You two use these bathrooms,
we'll wait. Is this ours? We're the Griswolds. Sorry, my pen burst in the altitude. - I'm sorry.
- No problem. Come this way, please. This is it. This is it. Look at this. Wayne Newton. It's beautiful! You must see this. Daddy! Help! I'm stuck! Vegas, Vegas, Vegas. Look! I think you'll want to see this! Is this it? Welcome to the fabulous Mirage. Don't worry,
it won't leave a permanent line. Come on, there's a lot to do. There's a lot to do. Welcome. Your credit card. Yes, indeed. Griswold, four. We have an excellent
dry-cleaning service. It's a birthmark. To get to your room,
go through the casino, veer to the left. Take a right at the first palm tree.
You'll see a group of blackjack tables. Not baccarat, not craps. Blackjack. Turn right and wind around left. If you get to the pool,
you've gone too far. You'll see elevators.
They aren't yours, stay away from them. Keep walking, you'll see
more elevators, the gold ones. Those are yours. Go to the th floor. You'll find your room. Any questions? No, not really. Russ! Did you get that? Well, let's go then. Thanks. Good luck! What's this? Look at these people. Blinded
by glitter and the mighty dollar. The elevators are there. Hold on, honey. They always put the machines
that pay the most in front. $ ? Here we go! You see, Las Vegas is already
bringing us closer together. Let's go to the room. Honey, call up the kids. See how they like this. Rusty and Audrey Griswold, please. We're right next door.
Can't we get our own rooms? Please don't spoil your daddy's fun. Dad, we're too old for this. Sit down. Kids... ...remember when you were babies? It was a wonderful time. We had your cribs right in our room. We'd wrap you up in little blankets. And roll you back and forth
across the bed into each other. Those days... ...they're almost over. So... To close out that one chapter,
I got tickets to Siegfried and Roy. Best show on the planet. Masters of the impossible. We're going because
we're the Griswolds! Can't you just wrap me up in a blanket
and roll me across the bed? No, Russ. Get dressed. Want to try some blackjack? What do you know
about blackjack, Clark? You forget I was in the army. You weren't in the army. Not in the army, but I have
played cards with men in uniform. Just don't want you to lose
all your money. When a man can come to Las Vegas
with a few extra bucks in his pocket... ...throw a ten-spot down on a table... an extra dollar
for a steak with his eggs... ...that's a happy day for that man. When his woman is at his side... Is that Wayne Newton? Why, you want his autograph? I think he's staring at me. No, no, no. I must be tired. Maybe I'll go find the kids. I think they want a little time
away from Mama and Papa Bear. Let's let them get in trouble. - I'm asking for five bucks!
- What if you win? You're boring to travel with. Fine, you want five bucks? Here, you're
a big man. Here's the five bucks. Get a wallet. - Hi.
- Good evening. Would the two of you have any ID? We left our IDs upstairs, actually.
We're on our honeymoon. Wait here for minutes.
I'll go upstairs and get the ID. I'll be right back. My friend... ...$ in chips. Good evening. Changing ! In blackjack, a smart player has
a mathematical advantage over the house. Are you a professional? Me? No, not really. Are you? Place your bet, sir. Yes, the bet. What the hell. - Hit me.
- It's a bust! Fun Police. Hand over your chips. Eddie? Twenty-two. Player busts. Oh, man, it is a blazer out there. You're lucky you got air conditioning
in here like mother nature intended. Clark Griswold, did you think
you could come to Las Vegas... ...and not see your favorite cousin? Your bet. There. Why're you in Las Vegas? Where else can you wear shorts
hours a day? I am on fire! What? Shuffling! Here's the best part. Thanks to my defective plate... ...the VA gave me a huge plot of land
just north of town. Every time I belch, the plate
shifts and my legs give out. But what a view! Nineteen. Twenty! Oh, he's good! He's good! - Another in chips, please.
- Changing ! That's it, Clark. Show them who's boss. It's people who blow the family
nest egg here that built this town. Not this pretty boy. Oh, gee! I can't believe it. I've lost $ in minutes? I'm okay. I'm okay. You're kind. What a great audience. Yeah, always. Terrific! Where do you come from? Me? Chicago, Illinois. - Fantastic.
- Chicago! Why don't you come on stage? Come on, it'll be fun. - Go on!
- Yeah, Dad, do it! Okay, I'll play along. Applaud! Good to have you. What's your name? Clark Griswold. Marvelous! Let's do some real magic. Listen, I know the routine. What's it going to be tonight?
Wires? Mirrors? Trap doors? I happen to know a little magic myself. I don't know if you've seen this. Can you tell it's my thumb? Looks like it is, but it's not. Whatever, I'll do what you want. I'm here to help. Enter. Okay, I know this one. - Trust me.
- All right, I will. Is this going up? I'll go with it. Me. Where's Dad? I haven't got a clue. It's my husband. How'd you do at the tables? I'm about even. Why'd you tell Eddie we were here? Oh, come on. How often do I get
to see my cousin Catherine? Anyway, we're just
stopping by for lunch. I want to gamble. Russell... ...I never want to hear
you say that again. Gambling is a very serious business. Is that clear? Excuse me a minute. Fifty on black. No more bets. Red ! Red wins! Jeez! Shall we? Remember me? Yes. Love you. Your baby? Are you watching for an address? What block is this? Very funny, Russ. Will you check the map again? Could that be it? Eddie said there was room for a pool. Get out the sunscreen. Cousins! What do you think? Can you believe they tested H-bombs
on this beautiful property? I missed you so much. Don't you worry about radiation? All I know is my teeth
have never been whiter... ...and my garden has -pound tomatoes. Denny-boy, come on over here! Look at that view. It's government property around us,
so no one will build. Look at this one. They grow up so fast. I tell him he'll pierce
himself shut one day... ...but what can you do? He likes eating through a straw. They must make their own mistakes. Does that hurt? It's not bad. Who's hungry? Need help with the grill? No, thanks. Don't have one. I'll get the tongs. Renewing your wedding vows? Oh, that's so wonderful. I wish Eddie and I had time
for that sort of thing. But with the constant windstorms... ...and flash floods... ...oppressive heat and... ...home schooling... ...we don't have a minute free. Can you hand me that mitt? I love the kitchenette. Oh, thanks. Listen, things could be a lot worse. Yeah, you could be pregnant again. I've been... ...earning money
testing fertility drugs. This one's going to be a winner. Everyone loves a baby. Yeah, life is good. My kids are thriving. Little Ruby Sue must have grown
a foot since you saw her last. Daddy, I caught another snake. That's good, sweetheart. Put it in the pit with the others. And go work on your typing. Nice kids. Don't ever pick me up again... ...jerk! Look who's home! This one here's my pride and joy. Lord is my witness, I hate this heat! If it ain't gluing your butt to a seat
it's making you sweat like an animal! And I want something better! Hey, everybody. You remember Vickie? She's a dancer now. Her picture's everywhere. Phone booths, men's rooms... She's famous. Show them that little move
I taught you there. Don't think unnatural thoughts
about your cousin. She's got her mama's looks and
her daddy's sense of balance. Hose down, kids!
Chicken's almost ready! My chicken's dry as hell. Mine's dry as hell, too. If you want to be with me tonight,
I'll give you my beeper number. Really? That'd be great. If you're still hungry,
I can get the salad from the dog. As appealing as that sounds,
we really must go. We have a lot of sightseeing to do
and I added tetanus shot to the list. Sorry about the tablecloth. Rusty's
never had that reaction to poultry. He ain't used to home cooking. Are you? He's sick. Anyway... He'll be okay. I wish you two could come... ...but no room for the kids,
so thanks for lunch, and bye. Not so fast, Clark. I'll get the baby-sitter. Hey, kids... ...round-up time! They'll keep busy. Where are we going? Hoover Dam! Over feet wide and
feet to the bottom. Where can I buy bait? I love electricity.
Eddie says we'll get some soon. What a magnificent achievement. This is a family vacation.
Try to stay with the family. Sorry, honey. This way, please.
The tour is about to start. Welcome, everyone. I am your dam guide, Arnie. I'm about to take you through
a fully functioning power plant. So please... one wander off the dam tour. Please, take all the dam pictures
you want. Now, any dam questions? Where can I get some dam bait?! This way, please. What'd he say? This way. Don't worry about water leaking
through the rocks. It's normal. Please, keep up with the tour. This is one of the oldest
dam tunnels we have. Come here! Give me your gum. From my mouth? Any gum! Look what's happening here! - Here.
- I'll catch up. Damn it. Where is the damn dam tour? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And there are over million tons
of cement in these walls. Hello. Hello. Help! It's not that high. Okay, here we go. Let's see if I've still got it. Nice breeze up here. That's how a power plant works. How? This tour gets better every week. Fishing's been better. Remember when I had that puffer fish? Just like in gym. One hand at a time. Ellen! What's that? "Oh, beautiful, for spacious skies "For amber waves of..." Oh, my God! Sorry, honey, I'll be right up. This is steep. Here we go. Need help? No, I got it. That's a workout there, isn't it?
Climbed all the way up. I almost lost my tag. Drinks at the snacketeria, on me. I've noticed you're taking more
of an interest in the fairer sex. There's something your
old dad would like to say. You see... ...there comes a time... every young man's
life when he enters... ...the fragrant garden
of beautiful flowers. And he wants to enter that garden
with a knowledge and... ...a mulch... let the flowers bloom
more brightly, rather than... Dad. What? If this is about sex, I already know. You do? Good talk, son. So what's it going to be tonight?
"The Amazing Elvis"? "Liberace on Ice"? Clark, I don't know.
It's been such a long day. At Hoover Dam the water level
dropped four feet from a flood. Thank you. Look at this. Four tickets to Wayne Newton. Wayne Newton?! Wayne Newton? That's Las Vegas,
they never stop giving! Hi, for Ellen Griswold? I'm Mr. Ellen Griswold. "Please wear this tonight. "A friend." Who's it from? I don't know. But it's beautiful. They really know how to treat
their high rollers around here. Okay, kids... ...inspection in five minutes. You heard him! Move it! Wayne Newton just happens to be
one of America's greatest entertainers. He has an effect on women. Yes, Griswold, Griswold.
Right this way, sir. Here... ...make the seats good. No gratuity is necessary, sir. - No, really. Keep it.
- Follow me. We're in the front row. I tipped him. "A man knows a moment "One wonderful moment "When fate takes his hand" What energy! "My once in a lifetime" Thank you. You're a magical group of people. And, Greg... Give me some birds. Let me hear birds. "Yes, loving you "Is easy 'cause you're beautiful "Making love to you "Is all I want "To do "Yes, loving you "Has made my life so beautiful "And every time that we "I'm full of loving...?" Mrs. Ellen Griswold. Ellen, huh? Holy crap,
Wayne Newton's hitting on Mom. It's all part of the act. Now you. "No one else" I think we know who sent the dress. "The colors that you bring" You're lucky. I've been to every Wayne show
for the last years. I've never seen him do
anything like this. "Each day in springtime" I'm just saying I've never heard you
hit those notes before. Don't worry. You have nothing to fear
from Wayne Newton. He's... ...unattainable. Did you see him staring at... Watch your mouth. I think I'll go upstairs
and take a bath. Not me. Anyone for craps? We're too young. I was once too young. Here. Take bucks. If you need me... ...l'll be rolling the dice. Have fun, kids. - Have a nice night.
- See you later. Daddy wants a seven! Let's go, seven! Seven! A winner! Place your bets.
Lucky roller coming out. Place your bets. Let go of me! Let go of me! There he is. Clark! See, I told you. Look out, don't hurt me now. Nice place for a pearl necklace. Do you know this person? Hi, Clark Griswold. Nice to meet you. Have you ever swam with dolphins? Them things is hard to catch. Twelve. Craps. A loser. Has anyone ever told you before...'re bad luck? Those were my mother's dying words. But when you got your body
covered in third-degree burns... ...and your foot's in a bear trap,
you start talking crazy. I've run out of money.
Do you cash checks? Only if you're staying at the hotel. Indeed I am. Here we are. No problem. Good luck. Look, Clark, if you're... ...thinking about buying me
a Cadillac, forget it. I won't take it. I'm just trying to get even. Now where can I do the most damage? "Come fly with me "Let's fly" Shrimp cocktail, cents. "If you can use some exotic boo" Fake IDs. How'd you know? When I was your age I needed
a water cannon to keep me away... ...from the girls. Ten bucks. Ten! Ten! Shrimp, ladies. I need the ten. Here. Have a good evening, Mr. Morris. "That's why..." Whatever. - Another !
- You nailed her there. Let's see. House has
and house busts. Oh, boy! Wendy, you are my lucky charm. I don't know what's wrong
with me tonight. You're rolling. Good luck, everybody. Good luck, everybody! Batter up. Big bet for a big man! Sure you don't want to save money
for the buffet? Okay, wise guy. Go against three hands. This should be sweet. Sweet for me. You're finished. Straw. I'm trying to concentrate. That's a bigger fire
than the red drink. Did you come to Las Vegas
to be a showgirl? No, I'm on vacation with my parents. Hard to believe we're related, right? A drink, please. Welcome. Can I see some ID? I think we have a problem. Good night. Hey, why the long face? You know that crap ID you sold me?
I want my ten bucks back. Those bums threw you out? Helicopter rides to the Grand Canyon.
See it as God does. They tossed me. Don't they realize
what it's like to be: "A boy on the town when he's in love" Give me my money. I'm not through with you yet. Okay? You're Nick Pappagiorgio. You're from
Yuma, Arizona. You're into software. Put your head in the hole
and say "Joey Heatherton." - Right here on the strip?
- Smile, kid. You're in Vegas! So you guys have been together
longer than the real Beatles? Great. Will you excuse me? You want to dance up here? No, I don't think so. Audrey, honey, let me tell you
something I learned. In this world, you're either
up on stage in the spotlight... ...or down in the pit serving drinks. Go have fun. What are you doing up there? I'm starting my vacation! She's going to break hearts. She's going to break something. Congratulations. You won the car. May I see some ID? Where would you like the car sent,
Mr. Pappagiorgio? Eighteen. Nineteen. So close. I've had enough.
Let's get out of here. Good luck, sir. Never seen such a beating since
someone stuck a banana in my pants... ...and turned a monkey loose. Thanks for the pick-me-up. Why don't you just call it a night
and let Ellen lick your wounds? That sounds great,
but Ellen went to sleep hours ago. She must be one hell of a sleepwalker. Did you record that in Germany? Good night, Eddie. That's how they got the title
"Danke Schön." It means "thank you." "Thank you" in German. I thought you went to bed. It got late. I got worried. Clark, Wayne Newton. Nice to meet you. You're in food preservatives?
What a gas. I like it. As I was saying... You've traveled.
We never go anywhere. We're very boring. Usually Clark falls
asleep in front of the TV each night. I guess I'll go upstairs
and get some sleep. Let me just tip the piano player.
She was marvelous. I might have... l've got a chip here. Danke Schön. Thanks. Sit down. Very special lady. That's why I entered into the sacred
bond of marriage with her. I hear that. You know, I love women. I observe them. I cherish them. Don't let that one out of your sight. Wayne has invited us to Shenandoah
tomorrow for lunch. That's my home. Thank you. But we have a lot of plans. Don't we? Oh, my God! It's Wayne Newton! I'm a fan, sir. I'm a fan. I can believe it! Take my seat, Eddie. Thank you for the drink. Good night, Wayne. Do you need a bodyguard? I'd die for you. Could I play $ in coins, please? I'd like to bet $ . $ . New roller. Looks like a shooter.
I'm going for it. - Go for this. Go for this.
- I'm ready. Come on! Seven, now! Seven! A winner. Way to go! Press it? Press it? I want to press this up. Press it? Yeah, press it. Give him the dice. Come on. Seven, dice! Winner. Fantastic! He's great! I'm sorry to bother you, sir.
May I see some ID? ID? Sure. Thank you. Welcome to the Mirage, Mr. Pappagiorgio. Why do they do that
when we got a hot table? How's Yuma? It's great. My wife and kids are back in Yuma,
where I work in software... In the software business. Let him roll the dice. No glasses tonight? No, I do not require them. Good luck, sir. But you do. - Come on!
- Seven! Seven again! Seven again!
I can't believe it! Don't wake them. Forget craps, forget blackjack.
If you want to make money... ...walk up to a baccarat table and say,
"I want to play baccarat." Feeling lucky tonight, Sparky? Not right now, honey.
They're teaching me baccarat. Bet with the player. That's not exactly what I had in mind. Bet with the bank.
Bet with the player. Nine is a natural. Bet with the bank. Bet with the player.
Nine is a natural. Bet with the bank. Bet with the player. Nine is a natural. Bet with the bank. Eight is a winner. Give me that. We shouldn't be doing this
before we get married? Hard six coming out. Hit me. Good night. Do it again! Do it again! I'm coming out. Ready? Seven out. God! Nice roll. You did good. Thank you. Cash me in. Kid, you made me
a lot of money tonight. Jilly from Philly. Nick Pappagiorgio from Yuma. Nick Pappagiorgio from Yuma,
you like getting massaged? By who? By me! Meet us in the spa at :
tomorrow morning. Randy, this guy is with us.
You take care of him. We're so impressed with your play
we'd like you to stay here. Follow me. And if there's anything you need,
don't hesitate to call me. Thank you! Oh, my God! Card counting, Clark? Is that legal? Sharpens the player's edge. Here's the kids. What happened to you last night? What are you having for breakfast? Coffee. Three. Four. Gang! Don't shout, Daddy. I had an idea.
How about an "alone" day... ...where each of us Griswolds
goes out and explores Las Vegas... their own way? I don't think that's a good idea. - Great.
- Love you. Be back at : . You'll have a great time. Have fun. Payback time. $ . You don't know when to quit. Chips. Changing ! Here's an idea. You give me half the money
you're going to bet, we go out back... ...l'll kick you in the nuts
and we'll call it a day? Pappagiorgio... ...enjoying the massage? I'm enjoying it, Jilly. Really. You know what your problem is?
You're a nervous guy. You must learn how to relax. You're right, Jilly, I do. Harder on the shoulders. That's it, kid. Now that you got that,
we must teach you how to dress. Now aren't you a little slice of pie? Are you thinking of dancing? She's got a body for it. I do? Thanks. If you're thinking about it,
do it while you're young and foolish. I'm going to college but hoping to do
volunteer work in the summer. Our prime years are few and fast. Would've, could've, should've. Show this girl something with a heel. Hit me! Yeah! Twenty! It's . It's a push. I didn't lose. That's it, Griswold,
you are freaking dead! I love you, kid. Outrageous. Where's the family? They're busy. Did I come at a bad time? Because... ...I could just... A singer's body is his instrument and
I believe in keeping it finely tuned. Come in, let's have some fun. Blackjack. Blackjack. Six. They're not bad. The boys aren't much to talk to, but if
you need a night away from your cat... ...they're more than fine. What did you say? I said, "Blackjack!" Changing ! Lunch was wonderful. I hope you enjoyed the company
as much as the food. Please, madam, chin up. You know... ...l've always felt very blessed
by all the gifts I've been given. But after meeting you
I realize how truly alone I am. But, Wayne, you have millions of fans. Please. They just love my talent. I feel so many things right now. I wish I could spend my life with you. Well... ...we could turn the den into a guest
room, but what about your horses? Clark pretty much likes the garage
for the car and the lawn mowers. You're too much. I have something for you. It's a lock of my hair. Gosh! It's getting late! I've got to go! But thank you. - It's been wonderful.
- Wait. If you have nothing to do later,
please come back! I'm making pasta! Come on, you think this sign's here
to hold down the table? What can I do with $ ? I don't know. Buy a bullet and rent a gun? See you. Have a good time. Good luck, sir. I had a fantastic "alone" day.
It was a great idea. Where'd you get that stuff? At the men's store. My God! Vickie took me to her stylist. Did you know there were muscles
in the human throat? All this time I thought I was
unhappy with you and Mom. But I was dissatisfied with myself.
That's changed, thanks to Las Vegas! This is Larry, Kurt and Ira.
They're professional entertainers. Nice to meet you. You know what drives me crazy? The baccarat tables. Larry can bend his leg up
over his head. Want to see? You should. It's after-riding wear. If those guys weren't bust-outs,
you think they'd be home writing? Come with me! Not you! I know we haven't seen a lot
of each other lately and that's okay... ...but we're Griswolds. We're on vacation. And starting now, we're going
to have a great time. But, Dad, we're having a great time. My sister has the legs
of a thoroughbred. Am I right? Shut up. The point is, starting now... ...we'll have a great time together! How? How? Well... How? We could all... ...sit on a bench, as a family... ...and watch a Vegas sunset.
Wouldn't that be great? We could count the bulbs
on the strip, Audrey. Larry's taking me to see
the world's largest thermometer. I got a thing happening downtown. I mean, you know... I know. We can get remarried. Right now. There's a honeymoon slots tournament
over at the Golden Nugget. And guess? Newlyweds get in for free. I've got news for you, Clark. I haven't said "yes" yet. If you're too busy... You hang on a minute! You brought us on a family vacation... ...and we only see you on your way
in or out of the casino! I've invited you... You find the Clark Griswold
I married... ...and tell him I'm at the Mirage! Come on. Don't worry about me! I got plenty
I can do on my own in Las Vegas! Which hand is it in? Who wants it now? Who wants it? There you go, you heathens! Thanks for buying me dinner. Best $ . in town, Clark. Clark, this is all you can eat. We only need one plate. I need rolls. I had that last time. Fresh broccoli. Bless you. Thank you. Maybe I'll just replace these
and take a carrot. The best macaroni. - That's good.
- No, let's get a little more. Some of this spaghetti bolognese here. You're lucky you came on Italian night. That stuff... ...will knock your socks off. This doesn't look like chicken. Oh, you're right. This isn't chicken. This is chicken. Want some? Eddie, I think I'll just be over
by the Saltines. - Here, go ahead.
- Go get us a table. We'll have some... ...of the yellow. And don't get cheap on me. This bread pudding's
extra runny tonight. Eddie, when you look at me,
what do you see? Time's up, Eddie. I'll tell you what you see. You see a man... ...whose family counted on him
to give them the best vacation ever. And I can't do it. Because... You have something on your... Off? You got it. I've gambled away more money
than you'll ever understand. Try me. $ . God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! - Oh, God!
- Please! I don't know what to tell Ellen. If I could just get that money back,
I could turn it all around. You've been so good to Catherine
and me through the years. I hate to see you down. I've got some... stashed away and...'d be my honor to help you
in your time of need. You mean it? There's just one problem. I forgot where I buried it. Is it safe to be digging like this? Just watch out for the scorpions. I got money buried all over this yard. I used to have quite a little system
for finding it. Wait, here's something. $ ! Got one. Got one. Got one. Six bucks. Yuban coffee. You can sprinkle
that stuff on anything. Ice cream, mashed potatoes, or eat it
right out of the can for a pick-me-up. Oh, my God. There must be over $ in here. Yeah, that's from when I sold
one of my kidneys. We didn't need the cash
at the time but... ...I figured with all the advances
in modern medicine... ...I should sell it while somebody
still wanted to buy it. The smartest thing I ever did. Why do you have all this money
buried in the ground? For a rainy day. We don't get many of those
in the desert. Where's the nearest casino? Hello, room service. I'd like the Crab Rangoon... ...chicken fingers... ...the Jackpot Burger... ...and the Tropical Banana Torte. No. Cancel that. I'm going out. I must warn you. They don't play the same games
here as at them regular casinos. Eddie, this place is great. They don't play this at the Mirage. Pick a number? I'm great at that. Coin toss? These are my games. Give me bucks. War! Russ and I play this all the time. I'm in. Here we go. Mine. That's fast. Give me another . War, bet again. Mine again. Maybe you should spread it around... ...not have all your fun at one table. Dealer has rock. Pay paper. Call it. What say we go home and
bury what's left of my money? Heads. I'm sorry, it's tails. Almost. No, give me that! Give me that! He cheated, Eddie!
He switched them, I saw it! Four. Seven. What am I doing? I need to go someplace
where a man can think. I wouldn't do that here. These stalls are awfully dirty
and they're backed up. I need to be alone. I see. Want me to come? All right. Come on. Come on, Clark. The night is young. They're giving away
free sandwiches at the blood bank. I'm not worthy of a sandwich. I'm not a father, I'm not a husband,
I'm nothing! You may feel like nothing now,
but look on the bright side. You used to be something.
Nobody can take that away from you. Good-bye, Ellen. I'm sure you'll be happy
with Wayne Newton. Where am I going to go? You can live with us
right here in Vegas. We'll dig you a room. And Rusty and poor Audrey... At night you can sit outside... ...and you can tell us how much
more good you used to have it. Look at all these happy families. Where did I go wrong? Without my family,
there is no Clark Griswold. We can go into business. We can raise more snakes,
open a petting zoo. Yeah, that's what we could do. We could have a lot of happy,
wonderful times. We'll get your money back. I'm not worried about my money. I don't care about it. I must get my family back! What about my money? Stay here, I'll be back. Police, emergency. Open up! Don't be alarmed, he's with me. Say: "Cheese." It's Dean Martin's recipe. I always make too much. Thank you for having me for dinner. There's something I must tell you. Oh, no. Wayne, please, don't. I've always been a moral man. But my resolve is melting
in the light of your smile. Maybe you're hungry. More pasta? There's Treasure Island. There's Harrah's. There's the Mirage. Next, Wayne Newton's house. Wayne, please. Please. Don't worry, I'm here. Get out of my way. Hands off my wife! Clark, it's not the way it looks. We're having pasta. I've been a fool. And not a loveable fool who clowns
for the delight of children. But a fool who's... ...only fooling himself. You're back. You have got to be kidding me. Why don't you go sing something? I've learned that
a family vacation only works... ...when you're with your family.
You and Russ and... Audrey. Audrey. You're my family. The most important thing is for us to
get back together before it's too late. What do you say? I'm with you. Let's go get our kids. - Is there a charge?
- No, sir. Park it. Have you seen him? Mr. Pappagiorgio. - Lanai Six.
- He's my son. Mr. Pappagiorgio? Let's go. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Clark, do something. Look out! Oh, my little baby boy! Excuse me. Excuse me! Am I right? Am I? So I says to him, I said,
"Get your own monkey." Oh, my Lord! Rusty! You must be lost.
This is Mr. Pappagiorgio. His name is not Pappagiorgio,
he's Rusty Griswold! He's a "C plus" student.
Now, out of the pool! Let's go, young man! Now! Get dressed! I'm looking for this underage kid
named Pappagiorgio. Yes, he stole my wallet.
He's back there. Where's your sister? She's with Vickie somewhere. Where's Vickie? - Mr. Pappagiorgio, your usual table?
- Not tonight. You are in deep trouble, my friend. Excuse me. Hey, everybody! Where's Audrey? Oh, my God! Our baby! Hang on, honey,
Daddy's coming to get you! Move! What do you think you're doing? You told me to get a summer job! Ten years of tap dancing lessons
and this is how you repay me? Let's go! Excuse me! Excuse me! Come on, let's go. I don't know what I was thinking.
Let's go home now. When are we going? Let's quit while we're ahead. Ahead or behind, what does it matter? We still have each other. When we get home, even though
I lost most of our money... Wait a minute. "I've lost most of our money"? How much did you lose? Well, with the checks
and the credit cards... ...some trips to the ATM and
the plane tickets I cashed in... I don't know... $ $ . Somewhere in there. What about my tuition? And my snowboard? We still have our love. That's what I've come to realize. Clark, how much money
do you have right now? I'm broke. Rusty? I spent it all.
Having an entourage is expensive. Audrey? No pockets. I've got... ...$ . Get our money back. There. This is not the way to do this. Can't we just get your parents
to wire us some money? Oh, keno. This is easy.
I saw this on TV. Okay, you've got to pick ten numbers. We must play the kids' birthdays.
Sixteen, seven. And Dad's football number, . Excuse me, is that your family? You're lucky man. Luckiest guy on earth. The grandparent's anniversary. I never got married. I was afraid to take the risk. Beautiful children. Oh, thank you. We're very blessed. This thing is money, money. Let me tell you something. Money isn't everything. I sit here alone... ...nobody cares. If I win, I have nobody
to share it with. You have your health. It seems you have a hobby. Yeah, a hobby I got. My health? If I had a family,
I'd want it like yours. Tonight, consider yourself
part of our family. I'll take you up on it. Really, thank you. Nice of you. Good luck. The game's almost starting. Seven. It's seven. It's Audrey's birthday! We're going to do it! Ten. Fourteen. Doesn't matter. Even eight matches wins $ . Twenty-two. Thirty-three. Eighty. Your final number, . I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! All the years I've waited for this!
I've been coming in here for years! I've never won, never won once,
and now I won! The money is mine. I have the money,
the money is mine. I got it! For the first time, I have the mo... Sir... ...are you okay? Go get someone. Sir. Oh, my God. I won! I won the money! I won! Did you hear me? It's okay. It's here, right here. ... That's wonderful. That's wonderful. What did he say? He said, "Take the ticket." He said, "Take the ticket"? I think he did. He's gone. There was nothing you could do. We don't know his name. He was Mr. Ellis.
The loneliest guy I ever saw. He would've given anything to have
someone sit with him and be kind. Jeez. I hope you kids have learned something
about the dangers of gambling. No, Sparklett,
don't blame the gambling. Gambling is what made America great. You see, kids... ...when Columbus set sail
on a little rickety boat... ...and let it ride all the way
to the New World, it was a gamble. Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison... ...Albert Einstein, all gamblers. Wasn't Einstein German? Hard to tell from his accent. But I do know one thing. When a beautiful, young co-ed... ...took a chance on a gangly boy
of a man named Clark... ...she was taking a gamble, too. Ellen Priscilla Ruth Smith Griswold... ...will you remarry me? Ellen Griswold, do you promise
to love and honor Clark... ...for as long as you live? Oh, God! I do. Clark Griswold... I love you, Eddie. Do you promise to love and honor Ellen
for as long as you both shall live? I do. I don't care if you ruined my life,
I love you! By the power vested in me... the Las Vegas Entertainers'
Association, I pronounce you married. You may kiss the bride. This is for you. Clark, were did all this come from? We were very fortunate last night,
Eddie, and... I think we Griswolds learned
something on this vacation. And that is that it's not
what you have but... ...who you have to share it with. In a minute, Russ. The promise of material possessions
can often blind one... What is it, Russ? Those four cars over there... ...they're mine. What do you mean? They're yours? Where did they come from? Four slot machines. I put a dollar in and got a car.
I put a dollar in and got a car. Yeah, yeah, I think I get it. Give me the keys. Ellen, drive the red one. You take the white one. You take the Mustang.
And I'll take that big black thing. After you, Mr. Pappagiorgio. - Bye, Eddie.
- Bye, Clark. Bye, y'all! Drive carefully! Have a good trip!
Special help by SergeiK