Very Bad Things Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Very Bad Things script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Peter Berg movie with Cameron Diaz, Jon Favreau, and Jeremy Piven.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Very Bad Things. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Very Bad Things Script



woman: honey, you sent in 

all the deposit checks, right? 

man: yeah, i think so. 

what do you mean, you think so? 

i mean--what? i mean, i sent a lot of checks. 

i think i sent them all. 

the--the wedding cake check? 

sent it. 

ok, the photographer? sent it. 

ok, the hotel for my parents? 

sent it. the band? 

brought that one to them, yeah. 

ok? yeah. 

the tent and judge. judge townsend. 

uh, honey, the tent? i don't know about that. 

you forgot the tent check? 

i th-- 

why? why would-- why did you forget the tent check? 

why? i forgot. i forgot. 

you can't play around with these tent people. 

you can't. you can't play around with them. 

i know. i've been dealing with them, 

and believe me, i'm not playing with them. 


i have been doing all of this by myself, ok? 

i know. i have been busting my ass. 

i have done absolutely everything, everything, 

everything, everything, everything by myself. 

i know. 

ok, everything has been on my own, ok? 

ok, i've been doing it all. 

i bet you didn't forget 

the bachelor party checks. that what this-- is that what this is about? 


because we could talk about it. no! 

let's go over it again. no, no, no. 

no, it's ok. 

no, i'm just saying that i'm sure 

that those checks found their way to the mailbox. 

that's all. 

i wouldn't know. 

it amazes me, you know, it really amazes me 

how you and your little fun bunch can become so organized 

when it comes to mobilizing to vegas. 

it's not-- it's not me doing it. 

it's them handling it all. 

and i'm sure that boyd is the creative force behind all of this. 

yeah, boyd--boyd's organizing the whole thing. 

robert boyd is a big sack of hot gas. 

[banging, phone ringing] 

robert boyd. 

tina...great, ok. here's the deal-- 

we're talking 5 guys. 

nice guys, tina. my friends. 

yeah. well, i'm calling you directly 

so you don't have to go through the agency. 

hey! could you please not enter the house? 

that's correct. cash straight to you. 

could you hold on? 

could you please wait off the property? 

we're just trying to sneak a peak. 

well, just stay off the property until i'm off the phone. 


because that's the way we do it. 

chop, chop. 

so, it's 5 guys, 900 bucks, just dancing. 

anything else is extra. 

are you in? 

it's just how i feel. i feel that, at some point in time, 

you're going to have to reevaluate some of your friendships. 


specifically-- specifically who? 

charles moore. 

you don't like moore? 

i just don't see him in the big picture. 

ok...but realize, 

i've known him since the third grade. 

well, he's weird. 

he's quiet. 

he's weird. 

hon, he just doesn't talk a lot. 

why? i mean, is he mildly retarded? 

he never speaks! he's a mechanic. 

well, he's weird, kyle, and frankly, i really-- 

i--i expect more from you. 

yeah, ok, wh-- you expect more what? 

you are going to be hung over for 3 days, 

like those guys onoprahwho-- who get drunk 

and have disgusting sex with prostitutes, 

and then they go ahead, and they just say their vows. 

they say their vows with the stench 

of cheap hotel whore sex all over them. 

that's absurd. listen to yourself. 

it's vile, kyle. it's not vile. 

i've seen it on television. i'm not going to-- 

what do you mean it's not vile?! 

i'm not going to marry you 

with the cheap smell of hotel whore sex-- 

i am not to be common, kyle, ok? 

i am a creature like no other. 

i know that. i am a creature like no other. 

and i will not--i willnot be common. 

do you understand me? i got you. 

is that too much to ask, kyle? is it too much to ask? 

you won't be common! 

honey, take it. 

are we going to eat, or am i just going to-- 


do you love me? 

of course i-- i love you. 

of course i love you. 

how much? 

i love you with all my heart. 

kiss me. 

man: look, it's just insecurity. 

kyle: i don't know. she's just really been stressing. 

it's insecurity, nut-gnawing gut-splitters. 

what does that mean? 

it means she's insecure. 

about what? 

about-- [telephone rings] 

mike berkow. 

just a second. all right, big man. 

14.3. thank you. 17.5. 


at 9. 

look at him. 

i'm amazed that the windows 

don't blow out of their fucking sockets 

with all the ass-puckering rage 

in these soulless lizards. 

you know, i just-- i just want her to be happy. 

same alarm clock every morning, 

same two pops on the same snooze button. 

same shower, towel, toothbrush, razor, blazer, 

hair pump, gel spray. it's a fucking epi-- 

woman: the beatrice accounts. 

it's an epidemic, fisher. 

you're getting married, baby bub. 

i'm not going to candy coat it. it just gets worse. 

it's an 18-wheel cement truck 

that's going to crush every bone in your big body. 

well, i'm not breathing right lately, either. 

course you're not. 

i--i just start getting, like, lightheaded and dizzy, 

and then the next thing i know, i realize 

i haven't breathed in, like--in two minutes. that's because-- 

hey, hey, hey-- we're leaving from my house in 3 hours, ok? 

if you want to come, you better get your numbers in order by then. 

all right, first of all-- 

no "first of all." i'm not in a game mood, ok? 

we were having a conversation, ok? 

you never said "excuse me." 

i'm sorry. fisher, i'm sorry. 

that's all right. we'll be there, adam. 

i know you'll be ready. michael--3 hours. 

ok. all right. 

look at that big, blind, gawky bitch boy. 

well, he's your brother. 

freaks me out, man. you know that? 

panic junky, i want to smack him. 

i don't deserve that. 

[telephone rings] kyle fisher. 

we've got problems. 


seating problems. 

ok, well, uh-- 

ok, first they said it wasunderstood 

that we were supposed to have gold-trimmed, padded seats, right? 

and now they're trying to tell me 

that there's some sort of misunderstanding 

and that now we can't have padded ones! 

ok, so what kind of seats can we have, then? 

nonpadded ones! 

so what do we do about it? 

well, you're going to go down there. 

go down to where? 

you're going to go down, 

and you're going to straighten out 

those chair people. 

what--honey, i'm going to vegas in 3 hours. 

i need your help! 

i'll call from the road. 

do you love me? 

do--more than i ever imagined i could ever love anyone. 

straighten out these chairs? 

ok, listen, we're leaving from adam's. 

why don't you come down and see me off? 


woman: timmy, adam junior, take a good look at this 

and notice how clean-cut 

and well-behaved they all appear, 

respectable members of modern society. 

boyd: that's us. 


boy: smile, dad. smile. 


hey. smile... 

smile, smile... 

boyd: we're smiling! and all right. 

as you were! 

[all talking at once] 

good-bye. i love you. 

i love you. 

have a really, really good time. 

i'll be back tomorrow. 

woman: no, hey, hey, hey-- 

no, no, don't let anybody smoke in the car honey-- 

because adam junior gets sick, ok? ok, i'm-- 

did you hear that, boyd? no smoking. i'msoserious. 

i'll drive. come on. not on your life. 

[guys yelling] 

boyd, do you promise on camera that you won't smoke? 

uh...i won't smoke. 

good. thank you. 

i'm coming, honey! 

bye, dad. 

woman: don't smoke! 

boyd: we won't smoke. 

[horn honking] 

bye! bye! 

bye! bye! bye! 


all right... 

dog needs a flea bath. let's go. 

mike: oh, what if i bring the wrong thing? 

what if i bring cucumber soup? 

boyd: who cares! you're a fucking moron! 

shut up! it's my fucking opinion. 

it's a stupid fucking opinion, ok? 

oh, thank you. 

you have developed this incredibly annoying habit of talking just... 

for the pleasure of hearing yourself speak. 

listen, he--boyd brought up statistics-- 

hey, hey, hey! leave me out of this. 

the hell i did. 

the hell you didn't. you said-- 

the hell i did-- 

you said one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. 

you said it. boyd: i didn't-- 

you're an asshole, adam. 

you're an asshole. 

oh, why am i an asshole? 

multiple reasons. 

give me one. no. 

name one reason. no! 

give me one reason. i'm not going to give you-- 

you can't give me a reason. i don't have to-- 

give me one reason. give it to me. 

shut up! 

i want one reason. 

shut up for one second. 

give me a reason. i want a reason. 

shut up! shut up! 

you're just an asshole. live with it. 

is this culver party rentals? 

yeah, can i speak to whoever's in charge of chairs? 

can't you wait till we get back there? 

i'll pay you for the call, ok? 

i'm on a monthly rate, here. 

how am i going to tell what call is your call? 

just use my phone. 

hey, don't be ridiculous. 

no, you're being ridiculous. you're being a tightwad! 

a tightwad, huh? yeah! 

why don't you just say what you mean, huh? jew! say it! 

all right, you're a jew! 

yeah, "jew." i knew it. you're being a jew! 

i knew it was coming, you goyisherfuck. 

shut up! hello? 

boyd: cheap bastard! 

i'd like to speak to somebody in chairs, please. 

hola. you drive like a jew! 

ah, how does a jew drive? 

4 hours and 15 minutes. i can make vegas in 3 and change... 

i'm not getting a ticket. 

i'm not going to get a ticket for you. 

you slow-driving son of a bitch! 

kyle: yes? is this-- let's go! 

tony, this is kyle fisher. 

i have a wedding in a week. 

we have--you're doing my wedding with the chairs. 

boyd: every car is passing us. 

yeah, i'll hold. 

hold? you're going to hold? 

for chrissakes, call him when we get there. 

you're being a jew! 

please get off the goddamn phone-- 

yes, i'm holding for tony in chairs-- 

don't hold anymore! hang up! 

it's 45 cents a minute! 

no, i'm not tony. i'm holding for tony. 

[funky music playing] 

[roulette wheel clicking] 

[telephone ringing, background noise] 


kyle, funny voice: hi. 

hello? hey! 

is it--hello-- baby, is that you? 



are you calling me from jail? not yet. 

hey, did you check out the chair situation? 

what? what about the chairs? 

the chairs? i made 3 calls-- 

what? 3 calls? 

but i can't stop thinking about how much i love you. 

well, you should. well, i do. 

what are you doing? 

oh, just a bit of organizing. 

are you nesting? 

yeah, i'm nesting. 

go have some fun. 

not too much, ok? 

ok, i'm going to go have fun with my friends, 

but not too much. 


[tv crowd cheering] 

boyd: and you know in your heart 

that it is just a matter of time-- 

all day, bullets flying, babies are getting shot. 

if i'm the king of israel, right-- 

israel does not have a king. 

what the hell do they have? 

they have a president-- president yahoo. 

ok, i'd say to myself, "yahoo"... 

hee hee hee. 

"take a look at the map." yeah? 

"look what's all around you. 

"people who are wishing horrible, bad, bad things 

for you and your people." 

[tv announcer shouting] 

kyle: the buck's going to stop right here, buddy. 

not going to happen with me. 

my kid don't know the 6 fucking new england states, 

he has trouble with geography, 

i'm not going to stick that shit in his face. 

i'm going to help the little guy, you know? 

that's right. 

put him in the car. 

take him to maine for the lobster dinner. 

that's how you teach a kid. go skiing in vermont. 

that's it. take him skiing! 

or yankee stadium for a hot dog. 

that's the way. you got to-- 

i'm just saying, it's not-- you don't stare him down. 

no, don't stare him down. 

i'm not going to do it! 

do not... eyeball your kids. 

boyd: that's my point exactly! 

mike: what? what is your point? 

take mexico! 

think about it. the mexicans would love it. 

they're dying for a little order down there. 

first of all, you get what i'm saying. 

you know exactly what i'm saying. 

[bong water bubbling] 

let the israelis work it out! 

[tv blaring] 

they kind of all look alike! 

the jews and the mexicans! 

so i think, on a whole, your average joe mexican's 

going to have less of a problem getting his head around 

the whole fucking assimilation thing! am i right? 


i mean, i tell mine-- 

i tell mine they're little men. 

i tell them that they're strong, 

that they make me feel joy. 

i let them know, man. i mean, i really-- 

i really let them know that they are just-- 

just as important. they mean just as much. 

you know what i'm saying? mm-hmm. yes. 

just as much, man. yes, yes. 

and you're their godfather. 

i know, and i'm honored. 

no, no, no, no, no. 

no? i'm not. 

no, no, you're the godfather, 

but i'm saying-- what i'm saying is, 

if anything ever happens to me-- 

oh, brother, don't even--yeah. 

don't worry about it. 

becausethatis the point here, ok? 

that is what i'm driving for. 

because, man, when the big storm comes 

and all the forests are knocked down 

and all the rocks have fallen away 

and--and the leaves are bare, 

what's left? 

what is left? 

the little trees. 

the little fellas that the storm didn't see. 

the tiny, little fellas. that's where it's-- 


the stripper's here. 


gentlemen, tina. 

hey, boys. 


[loud dance music playing] 


she's all yours, buddy. 

anything you want, man, bought and paid. 


i can't do it. i can't do it. 

i'm sorry. i'm sorry. 

i'll take a ride. 


i didn't jump the gun, did i? 

i feel the vibe. i feel the vibe a little bit. 

i'm michael. 

did i do ok out there? 

mike: yeah, you kidding? 

i'm just in vegas gambling, spending money. 

you're so beautiful. 

did you win anything? 

look at this. 

not what you thought, huh? 

[all yelling] 

woo! ha! ha! 


man on tv: got an awful big hit. 

ok, you do know it's 500 right? 

yeah, over there, no problem, 

but yeah, 500 of my dollars? 


but i thought-- boyd didn't pay? 

no, boyd didn't pay. it's 500. 

straight sex, nothing kinky. 

no, no, i'm not going to use you as a hand puppet or anything. 

i just want to make sweet love to you 

because you have no idea what you've gotten into. 

oh, yeah! 

man on tv: trying to get his legs up, so he can try to-- 

see, you didn't think it would be like this, did you? 

you thought i was some punk, didn't you. 

you thought i was a little punk. 

pumped up! pumped up! 

[moaning and screaming] 

good boy. 

this isn't work, is it? not work. 

man on tv: look at the jump he did, 

sticking it in there. 

take it! 

take it! take it! 

[primal scream] 

easy, baby. 


[glass breaking] 


cool. ha ha! 

[all laughing] 

you fucking maniac! 


[breathing heavily] 

i fucked up. 

[gasping and heavy breathing] 

adam: oh, my god! 

all: oh! 

charles: jesus christ! 

adam: don't touch her! don't touch her! 

call 9-1-1! 

don't move. 

we were playing. we were playing. 

i think she's dead. 

how do you know she's dead? 

she's got no fucking pulse! 

listen, you don't know what the hell you're doing. 

just get back. 

all right, where do you look? what side of the neck? 

left, left, left side. 

either side, you idiot! 

i'm calling 9-1-1. 

mike: we were playing, and she bumped her head. 

bumped?! bumped?! 

she's got a fucking spike in her head! 

adam, wait! what? 

boyd: what are you doing? 

what do you think you're doing? 

i'm calling the ambulance! 

just wait one-- wait one second. ok? 

michael? michael? 

i'll take it out. 

i can take it out. 

what the fuck have you done?! 

why are you calling an ambulance? she's dead. 

i'm sorry. sorry. 

oh, god, just call the police. no. 

just call 9-1-1. 

i slipped. 

what did you do, goddamn it? 


what the fuck did you do, you little shit?! 

charles: get out of here! 

all right, all right, just calm down. 

mike: it was an accident! 

boyd: everybody just get a hold of themselves, all right? 

you are a lying deviant! 

it was an accident! 

are you sure-- yes, i'm sure! 

what were you doing? 

the floor was wet, and so i slipped. 

why was the floor wet?! 

i don't know. 

why, goddamn it?! 

why, you little fucking pervert?! 

boyd: come on, damn it, take it easy. 

you don't fucking know! 

calm down. 

we're not helping anything by losing our temper. 

boyd: let's just get our heads together. ok? 

whatever we associate in our nervous system determines our behavior. 

you fucking guys. you fucking guys. you fucking guys. 

kyle: you fucking guys! 

boyd: now let's just take a second here, 

and take a hold of the situation and review our options. 

we call the police! 

ok, call the police, 

that's good. that's one option. 

that is not an option! 

this is not multiple choice here. 

yes, it is! 

there are always options, adam. 

kyle: you fucking guys! 

boyd: we can definitely call the police. 

that's an easy call. 

now, if we call the police, what happens? 

they come up here, 

they find a dead prostitute in the bathroom, 

and then they ask us what happened. 

what the hell are you going to tell them? 

you had nothing to do with it? 

you didn't know she was a prostitute? 

i mean, that it was all michael here? 

your brother, by the way. 

you don't mess around with a homicide... 

what about the alcohol, narcotics... 

don't tell me there are no options. 

there are always fucking options. 

what is the choice? what options? 

we can bury her out in the desert. 

oh, sure, why not? 

charles: no, no, he's right, he's right. 

he's right. he's right. 

boyd: we could take her up to red rock. 

find some nice quiet place 

and just put her in the ground. 

we can do this. we can get her out of here. 

have you lost your fucking mind? 

nobody knows she's here. 

i called her personally. nobody knows. 

her blood is all over the bathroom. 

don't you think we got a little bit of a dna problem here? 

it's a marble floor. we can clean it up. 

they've got us on accessory to murder, adam. 

it's not accessory, ok? i didn't do shit. 

that's not the point, adam. 

i mean, the room is covered with blow, 

moore looks like he went at it with a fucking mountain lion. 

i mean, the room looks like the manson family stayed here a month. 

this is a major thin-ice situation we got here. 

i'm getting married, guys. 

adam: i have got a wife, and i've got two boys, ok? don't tell me. 

let's just take a vote, a simple vote. 

we got two choices: 

one, we clean up this mess right now, 

bury it out in the desert, 

go home, and never look back. 

or, we can easily call the police, 

roll the dice, take our chances, 

and pray to god that it's only michael who falls. 

the choices are simple: it's desert or police. 


the fucking desert. 



i owe you, bro. i owe you, man. 



nobody knows she's here. 

oh, god... oh, god. 

[breathing heavily] 

how do we get her out of here? 


we can wrap her up in blankets, 

bring the car around to the back of the hotel, 

lower her gently down off the balcony, 

put her in the car. we're done. 

jesus christ, have you done this before? 

the reality is, you take away the horror of the situation, 

take away the tragedy of the death, 

take away the moral and ethical implications 

of all the crap that you've had conditioned and beaten 

into your head since grade one, 

what are we left with? 


it's a 105-pound problem. 

105 pounds that's got to be moved from point "a" to point "b." 

now, a straight line is the shortest distance between two points, 

but we're denied the luxury of a visible straight line, 

but that line exists, and i see it. 

i see that line. 

trust me. 

adam, trust me. 

[knock on door] 

man: hotel security. could you please open the door? 

oh, fuck. 

[knock on door] 

man: hello? hotel security. 

[whispering] what do they want? 


oh, fuck. 

they know. 

calm down. 

man: hello? 

adam: goddamn it, they know! 

tell them right now! 

boyd: just keep your voice down. 

[all talking at once] 

they have cameras in the ceiling. 

shut up! 

boyd: shh-shh. 

we don't have time. shut up. shut up. 


he's gone. 

boyd: he's gone. 

[door unlocks] 

[door opens] 


hotel security. 

hi, how are you? 

y'all didn't hear me knocking? 

no, we heard you. 

mmm, yeah. you guys making a lot of noise tonight. 

what is it, a toga party? 


it's a bachelor party. 

well, y'all going to have to keep it down. 

boyd: well, we will. we will. we absolutely will. 

listen, we're very, very sorry, we apologize. 

we've been partying a little hard, 

but we're all getting ready to go to sleep. 

guard: mmm-mmm. 


well, this is going to be a problem. 

someone's going to have to pay. 

yeah, we're going to take care of that first thing in the morning. 

yeah, you will. 

what the hell gets into you people? 

drugs and alcohol. 

well, i got no problem with that. 

[laughing loudly] 

dr. bigbucks. 

[laughing loudly] 

adam: hey, how about a beer? 

no. maybe some other time. 

listen, we're very, very sorry, we apologize. 

we didn't mean any disrespect to the hotel. 

we're very sorry. 

hey, hey, don't worry about it. don't worry about it at all. 

just as long as you keep it down. 

what the fuck is that? 

adam: sir, please, before you go in there, 

i just want to explain. 

can i talk to you one second, please? 

d-d-don't go in there yet. 

we were calling 9-1-1 right when you came, i swear to god. 

this is not what it looks like. 

[all talking at once] 

adam: go in there and put your fucking pants on. 

mike: i'm not going to put my pants back on. 

no, you get dressed. goddamn it, i'll handle this. 

just get back. just get back. 

everybody just get-- just move back. 

mike: the floor was wet. she completely slipped. 

guard: get me a phone. just get me a telephone. 

back up, back up! he wants us to back up. 

guard: i want everybody just to move back. 

just take your fucking hands off me! 

[all talking at once] 

guard: clear a path! 

boyd: don't let him bleed on the carpet! 

go on! get out! get out! 

shut the door! 

boyd: come over here! help me! 

jesus! oh, shit! 

son of a bitch! 

boyd: he'll bleed out. he'll bleed out! 

oh, my god! 

guard: you motherfuckers! 

boyd: all right, he'll bleed out. he'll bleed out. 

[pounding on door] 

oh, die! 

[pounding stops] 

[guard screaming in bathroom] 

[glass breaks] 

[all breathing heavily] 

think anybody-- 

[guard pounds on door] 


die, you son of a bitch! 

[security guard moaning and screaming] 

it's all right. 

come on. 

come on. 


new plan. 

no, no, 

not so much of a new plan 

as a modification on the old one. 

i'm calling the police. 

so help me god, you touch that fucking phone, 

i'll bury you with them. 

surrender is no longer an option. 

i repeat, it is not an option. 

is there anyone here who does not understand that? 

little gut check time, fellas. 

time for some serious self-exploration. 

how do i function? 

for real, no more bullshit. 

can i keep my cool when they bounce my bananas, 

when they won't play my song, et cetera, et cetera? 

you get me? 

do you get me? 

not really, no. 

that's not a problem. 

understand not my words, but follow my orders. 

follow my orders. 

let me be the success coach. 

wait a minute. 

wait a minute. 

wait, wait, wait, wait. 

boyd: what? we can't do this. 

we've already done this. 

no, no, i mean the suitcases. 

we can't bury them like this in the suitcases. 

why not? 

because it's sacrilegious. 

how do you figure? 

according to jewish law, the blood and the limbs 

are considered to be a sacred part of the human spirit. 

the body has to be united, or the soul can't rest in peace. 

what the hell? that's what we're doing. 

no, no, it's not. we got their parts all mixed together. 

we can't do this to them. 

she's asian. they don't have jews in asia. 

that is absolutely not true. 

michael, do they have jews in asia? 


they have-- yes, they do. 

they have jews in asia. he is correct. 

what the fuck are we supposed to do? 

we're going to have to open up the suitcases. 

we're going to unpack the bodies 

and reunite the appropriate limbs. 

no fucking way! 

that's what we're going to do! 

no fucking way! 

we have to do this, goddamn it! 

adam, we got to get going. 

the sun's coming up. come on! 

i am not flexible on this. 

let's do it. 

i've got her head. 

adam: this is her head. 

i got a combo situation. 

do you have any of him? 

i have--that's her. 

boyd: watch your step, all right. 

hey! hey! 

i've got a mop. 

kyle: just open the fucking bags up! 

adam, heads up. 

jesus christ! 

mike: don't just toss it around, goddamn it! 

show a little fucking respect! 

i have her lower leg. 

ok, i have his upper leg and her lower leg. 

i have his upper leg and her lower , 

leg and they don't go together! 

boyd: how do we get started, adam? 

look, if you don't want to do it, just sit the fuck down! 

great fucking idea! everybody's losing their goddamned minds! 

is this her stuff here? 

that's her! that's him! 

all right, let's do this. 

boyd: all right, somebody get his torso, find his torso. 

forget the head, we'll just start. 

mike: we got the head. 

boyd: we'll start with black, then we'll go to the asian, all right? 

we're going to make you very happy. 

ok, you don't do nothing. 

i got toes! 

ok, relax. 

i got toes. i have somebody's toes. 

boyd: ok? 

all right. 


allow me to be the first to say 

that what we have done here is not a good thing. 

it's clearly not a good thing, 

but it was, given the circumstances, the smart play. 

i'm proud of us. 

i am proud of each and every one of us. 

it's going to be ok. 

we performed under the most complex 

and nerve-shattering of situations. 

i mean, each one of us stood fast, and we all delivered. 

i feel proud. 

we're going to hell... 

hell or prison, whichever comes first. 

that's wrong. that is flat-out wrong, adam. 

you got to change your associations. 

hell is for cowards, for hypocrites, 

for people who fear to live by the strength of their own conviction. 

now, this is war! 

given the circumstances and given the fact 

that we are alive and they are not, 

we've all chosen life over death. 

i mean, two wrongs don't make a right, 

so our conviction and execution 

would only mean more death here, not less. 

i don't know, boyd. 

just seems to me ever since you started this personal growth, 

self-help, power fucking dysfunctional fucking bullshit, 

you are all fucked up in the head! 

don't even go there. 

you don't know what the hell you're talking about, all right? 

personal strength has nothing to do with this. 

true, it's helped me to unlock energies and see my options more clearly, 

but to give it credit for all of this 

is a little bit more than they deserve. 

kyle: don't you think we ought to say some words over the bodies? 

what kind of words? 

like a...a prayer. 

go ahead. 

dear god... 

i don't fucking know how to pray. 

say what's on your mind. 

speak from the heart. let it flow. 


dear god... 

this is pathetic. 

you're pathetic. 

what did you say? 

you're not a team player. 

don't point at me. 

you've never been a team player. 

that's why you don't have any friends. 

what are you talking about? i have friends. 

the hell you do. 

the hell i don't. 

you have acquaintances. 

business friends, superficial golf buddies. 

you've always been a fringe player. 

don't point at me. 

you have some serious male-on-male intimacy problems. 

what are you fucking talking about? 

you can't deal with men! 

guys, maybe now is not the time for this. 

come on, fisher, this is the perfect time. 

this is the real time. we're in the moment. 

adam, your brother and myself 

as well as several others present 

have always felt that you were 

a fully repressed, living-in-major-denial, lock-down flyboy. 

[chuckles] what? 

fire in the hole, big guy. 


dear god, please forgive us for what we've done here tonight. 

we've lost our way. 

speaking for myself, 

i am deeply in love with the woman i'm about to marry, 

and i am very much looking forward to raising a family 

and being a positive member of society. 

we promise, if you forgive us, 

that we will never forget this tragedy 

and we will try with all our power 

to use it as a daily reminder 

that we are on this earth to do good, not evil. 

let us move from this day forward with new spirit and purpose. 

you have given us a second chance, 

so let us take that second chance 

and use it to fuel our fires of productivity 

so that the spirits of the two people that we buried here tonight 

can forever live on in our good deeds and positive achievements 

that we, from this day forward, shall make our lives' work. 

thank you, god, and once again, 

please give us your guidance and your forgiveness. amen. 


it's me. 


i'm on the road. we're running a little late. 

really? how late? an hour. 

honey, did you check on the chairs? 


did you check on the chairs? ok. 

okwhat? what? 

what. yeah. what about the chairs? 

i left a message. everything's going to be ok. 

yeah? you sound a little funny, honey. 

did you do the cocaine last night? 


i'm gonna be home in, like, 4 hours, ok, hon? 

did you have fun? 

was it fun, honey? 

adam: you think he had kids? 



do you think that man was a father? 

i don't know. 

i got a really bad feeling... 

that he had children. 

i don't know. i think he was too young to have children. 

we're gonna burn for this. 

[lois whistles] 

lois: come on, guys. daddy's home. let's go. adam jr. 

adam jr.: where did you go, dad? 

today is the beginning of the rest of our lives. 

hi, daddy! 


honey! honey, we have to go. 

my soccer game's today. 

you were gonna drive me and my friends. you have to. 

nobody says anything to anybody...ever. 

we're late. 

boyd: right? 

let's go. 

laura, voice-over: the idea is to be able to, like, look at everybody 

and know that they're all in the same wedding, right? 

i mean, i just want to make sure that everything's sort of pressed. 

i don't want to look like it's been hanging on a hanger all the time. 

i want everything to be, like... 

i just want them to all look like they're just... you know, clean. 

here, let me... 

let me help-- i'll help you with that. your nails are filthy. 

i don't care-- like, just for the day, 

all i ask is that they're clean for the day. 

after that, i don't care what happens, ok? 


hi, boyd. hey. 

ok, um, basically... are you gonna stand like this? 

i'll stand any way you would like me to stand. 



mike--what is-- what happened here? 

he gave me a collar center because i have an irregular size. 

an irreg-- 

i'm in between sizes. my neck is wide, and... 

this looks like it hurts. it does. 

does it hurt? yeah. i can't really breathe. 

is this your shirt? did you bring this, or is this theirs? 

it's theirs. ok, well, this is just totally unacceptable. 

how are you feeling? put your arms down. 

if you can just take it in on the sides right here... right here. right here. 

[telephone ringing] 

he's got two kids, goddamn it, just like i said! 

two fucking kids, goddamn it! 

calm the fuck down! let's move on past the fucking blaming shit. 

ok, now, where'd you get this? 

at the newsstand on third. 

fucking boyd, that fucking idiot! 

goddamn it, they're onto us! they're not onto us. 

boyd, did you read the paper? 

is that him? is that him? give me that! 

goddamn it, calm down. 

boyd, you fucking idiot! this shit is coming down, man! 

that's just nothing. 

that's just a stupid missing persons thing, that's all. 

you got us into this mess! 

i did? from what i remember, 

it was your rat-fuck brother that decided to play chop suey 

with the hooker's fucking head. 

will you shut up?! calm down. 

shut up! these fucking phones aren't secure, goddamn it! 

just lighten up, would you, please, adam? all right? 

just show some character. walk through some fucking fear. 

don't talk to me about character, pal. 

watch the tone, fella, ok? 

fuck you, boyd! give me the phone. 

fuck you, too, snake-eyes, cocksucker! 

fuck you! shut up. boyd? 

they have my credit card imprint, you know that? 

he hung up, goddamn it! 

fucking asshole! 


look what you did, goddamn it! look what you did! 

refocus...your mind! 

control... your...fear! 

[kids chanting repetitively] 

knock it off! 

hey, don't snap at them. 

they're making me nuts! 

no, they're singing. 

it's a disgusting song. 

well, you taught it to them. 

[kids arguing] 

lois: guys! guys, be quiet. 

your daddy's in a really, really bad mood, and if you're really good, 

you're gonna get some whizzers-- i promise. 

both: whizzers! 

we want whizzers! we want whizzers! 

lois: ok? ok, yeah. high-five. all right. 

kids: we want whizzers! we want whizzers! 

we want whizzers! 

we want whizzers! whizzers! whizzers! 

whizzers! whizzers! whizzers! whizzers! 

whizzers! whizzers! whizzers! whizzers! 

whizzers! whizzers! 

whizzers! whizzers! 

whizzers! whizzers! whizzers! 

we want whizzers! we want whizzers! 

we want whizzers! 

[police radio] 

[kids' chanting continues] 

hey, how do you like the minivan? 

kids: we want whizzers! we want whizzers! 

we want whizzers! 

we want whizzers! we want whizzers! 

we want whizzers! 

so, how do you like your minivan? 



we want whizzers! 

[adam swears] 

no, no, honey. honey, go in there and get them some whizzers. 

what? they're screaming for whizzers. 

just go in there and get some whizzers. 

i'm not going in there. 

they are screaming like monsters. it's giving me a headache. 

i used the credit card so i don't have to go in there! 

go get them some fucking whizzers! 

whizzers! whizzers! whizzers! 

kids: whizzers! whizzers! 

thank you. go. please. whizzers. 

kids: we want whizzers! 

love you! 

fucking whizzers! 

man: excuse me. 

[police radio] 

yeah. sure. no--no problem. 

aah! oh! aah! 

ooh! aah! jeez! 

i'm sorry. i--i got it. 

i got it. sorry! i'm sorry. 

just leave it. 

leave it and get out. 

i'm--i'm sorry. 

officer: buddy, you ok? 


clerk: what the hell is wrong with you? 

just get out! 

lois: yay! 

kids: dad's got the whizzers! dad's got the whizzers! 

dad's got the whizzers! dad's got the whizzers! 

here he comes! 

where are the whizzers? 

they didn't have any whizzers. 

what do you mean, they don't have any whizzers? 

they didn't have any fucking whizzers, ok?! 

what are you doing?! 

what is your problem?! what isyour goddamn problem? 


kids: dad! 

oh, oh... 

nice to see you. 

oh, my god! 


you look so beautiful! i love that dress. 

oh, my god... have you seen amanda? oh, my god, come here. 

she's wearing the same exact dress she wore to heidi's wedding. 

i'm losing it, fish. 

hey, now-- how's it going? 

nice to see you. nice to see you. 

i got a migraine like a fucking monkey kicking in the side of my-- 

i get you, i get you. hi. hi, cynthia. nice to see you. 

hi, mr. and mrs. wilshire. 

fish. fish-- 

i'm sorry, i'm not myself. 

just, please, not now. 

where's the bathroom? 

it's just past-- where's the fucking bathroom?! 

it's past the bar! excuse me. 

here's a picture of kyle, age 4, 

and his good friend, jo-jo the mule. 



evidently, when they got to camp, 

kyle and boyd over there had some serious arguments. 

try and get me in the mouth. 


mr. fisher: ...who exactly was kyle's best friend, 

boyd or the mule? 

boyd: well, fish had a less than normal relationship 

with that ass. 

[guests chortling] 

kyle: you're just jealous, boyd. 

mr. fisher: well, be that as it may, 

after camp came football, 

and for those of you 

who didn't follow the sports pages back in 1977, 

you might not remember the peewee powerhouse of oklahoma, 

who, under the leadership of yours truly, 

managed to roll to an auspicious league record of 0 for 12... 

scoring exactly not one damn touchdown. 

[speech continues] 

lois: where are you going? 

oh...ho ho! 

he was a husky kid then, and he's a husky kid now... 

whose great talent was persistence. 

they showed up. 


mr. fisher: they didn't score much. they didn't score at all. 

ha ha! but they showed up. i'd like to propose my toast... 

to the groom and... his wonderful bride. 

god bless. 

god bless. 

god bless. 

adam, what's wrong, man? 


i can't-- i can't fucking breathe. 

what's wrong? 

fish, i'm sorry. boyd: ok! 

you're freaking me out, brother. 

that was definitely not cool--definitely inappropriate behavior. 

just shut up for a second. 

negative! this is not what you've worked out 

in terms of self-management here, adam. 

come on! pull it together. 

he's having some kind of problem? 

what's the problem, adam? 

what is the fucking problem, huh? 

come on. 

i just--i just-- we're gonna get caught. 

we're not gonna get caught. 

i know we're gonna get caught. 

they're eyeballing my minivan. 

who? what? 

at the minimart. 

what the hell are you talking about? 

they're smoking me out! who's smoking you out? 

nobody is smoking you out! 

shut up! 

laura: kyle! 

yeah? what, hon? 

honey... yeah? 

is everything ok? 

yeah, everything's fine. great. 

ok. can we go back inside? 

yeah. sure. 

honey, can we go inside? 

i just have these... um, we have these... 

yeah, we got, uh... groomsmen's last-minute preparations to make. 

we've got a rehearsal dinner going on inside. 

dad, everything's fine, ok? 

i'm in the middle of my goddamn toast in there! 

why don't the two of you go back inside, 

you get back into the toast, and i'll be back in, ok? 

so just go on, please. 

honey, we have a rehearsal dinner here, ok? 

boyd: everything's beautiful. your wife looks beautiful, 

except for what you did to her fucking nose. 

adam, the timing fucking sucks on this here. 

we got the rehearsal dinner thing right now. 

you never gave a damn about anyone but yourself. 

you're a fucking reject, ok? 

you eat my ass! 

hey! eat my ass! 

boyd: this doesn't help! 

if youevertouch my minivan again, 

you are going to be very sorry, brother! 

very fucking sorry! 

you are aloser! loser?! 

loser! you're a-- you think your shit's so fucking righteous? 

you were right there, right there with us-- side by fucking side. 

you murdered that girl! 

you murdered her! you're a murderer! murderer! 

keep it fucking down! keep your fucking voice-- 

shut your fucking mouth. 

i didn't do anything, ok? yes, you did. 

i might just turn your little pathetic ass in. 

how about that, pal? 

did you hear that? 

boyd: adam, calm down, ok? 

adam: i'm not gonna calm down! i can't do this! 

i can't do this! i'm telling you, they-- 

it won't work! it cannot work! 

ithasworked! itisworking! 

it's done! 

i'm telling you, they've got fiber optics, 

they've got dna samples, 

they've got fbi scientists-- 

the fucking internet, goddamn it! 

they figure this shit out! they figure it out every fucking time! 

they won't figure it out. you've just got to relax. 

i've got children. i've got a life! 

your kids are one crutch away from a telethon. 

you got a frigid, swamp-hog wife-- 

you fuck! 

laura: kyle! what is going on?! 

jesus! what is-- are they fighting over there? 

no, baby-- baby, they are fighting over there! 

now, what the fuck is--aah! aah! 

boyd: back off, michael! that's enough! 

goddamn it, back off! 

you are not going to ruin this for us! 

you will not ruin it for us! 

this is gonna stop. you fucking go home! 

you fucking murderer! 

back off! he's gone! 

you're a fucking loser! you're a loser! 

you need to take a time-out. 

go home! go home, you fucking murderer! 

fucking loser! 

go home, you fucking murderer! 

easy, easy! we got to go back in. we got to go back in. 

the problem is gone, ok? time out. 

oh, fuck. we got to get in there. 

listen. we're gonna go back inside, 

we're gonna collect ourselves. 

adam...are you cool? 

no, boyd. 


i am definitely not cool! 

[starts engine] 

all right, problem child is leaving. 

back inside, ok? 

just get the fuck out of here! 

[tires squealing] 

go home, you fuck! 

pull it together. i got my whole fucking family in there. 

just get it the fuck over with. 

[tires screeching] 


[tires squealing] 

what do you want?! 

[revs engine] 

mr. fucking minivan. 

[revving engine] 

get the hell out of here, mike! 

[tires squealing] 

he's gonna take out my minivan! 

don't you dare! 

hey, hey, hey-- my god! 

aah! fucking christ! 



so it was some sort of accident? 

yeah. he, uh... he didn't realize. 

i guess he just lost control of the car. 

was there some sort of argument? 

no, nothing like that. 

we heard there was some arguing going on. 

what, some kind of sibling muscle-flex thing? 

boyd: no, no, no. they love each other. 

just, uh...we were all just outside, just talking. 

we were just talking. 

what were you talking about? 

uh, the wedding... 

yeah, how it's probably going to be the last time 

for all of us to be together... to see each other... 

before he gets married. married. i'm getting married. 

a lot of people seem to think there was some hostility. 


how the fuck am i supposed to comment 

on what a lot of other people thought, huh? 

i mean, listen, 

we've all suffered an incredible trauma here, 

and we're in full-on grieving mode right now, 

and your questions are just a little bit poorly timed. 

do you understand? thank you very much, officer randone. 

easy, boyd. 

no "easy boyd." don't give me that shit. 

i got a friend in there in pieces, for god's sakes. 

how about a little sensitivity, huh? 

there was no fighting going on or nothing. yeah. 

unh, unh, unh! 

randone: what was that guy's name? 

robert boyd. 

unh, unh, unh! 

excuse me... 

his situation is critical. 

he's, uh...asking to speak to his wife. 


it's bad. i just want to warn you of what you're going to see... 


[monitor beeping] 

[adam whispering] 

[monitor alarm sounds] 

woman: he's in defib. gonna have to step away, ma'am. 

10 of lidocaine. 

man: clear. 

more blood here. more blood. 

second man: charge 300. clear. 

woman: nothing. 

man: he's got nothing left in his heart. i've got nothing. 

woman: i'm gonna call it. 

time of death, 11:58 p.m. 

man: i'm very sorry. he's dead. 

what did he say? 

man: i'm sorry, he's dead. 


you--why are you walking away? 

what are you walking away for? 

what are you walking away for? 

[country music playing] 

the need to know is clear: 

what did adam tell lois? 

that's the name of the game. what did adam tell lois? what does lois know? 


i killed my brother. 

i killed my brother. i killed my brother. 

all right. 

i ran my brother down in cold blood. i ran him down. 

i killed my brother. i killed my brother. 

come on. 

i killed my brother. i killed my brother. 

it's time to pay the man. 

[rambling incoherently] 

goddamn it! it's time to pay the man! 

just take it easy! 

it's time to pay! take it easy! 

listen to me. easy! 

you kill one man, and you're a murderer, ok? 

you kill all, and you are god. 

ok, just take it easy. i killed my-- 

take it-- 

you motherfucker! 


aah! unh! 


the memory of the just is blessed, 

while the name of the wicked shallrot! 

get the--get the car. 

the evil that men do lives after us. you hear me? 

easy. get off me! 

get off me! 

the memory of the just is blessed, while the name-- 

boyd: pick him up. 

it's time to confess your sins! confess our sins! 

keep your voice down, michael. 

open the door! 

just shut your face! 

get in the car! 

get in there. come on! 

the memory of the just is blessed, 

while the name of the wicked shall rot! 

michael! michael! 

you will control your conditioned response. 

you will pull yourself together, mister! 

all right! are you hearing me? 


jesus. he's cracked up. 

i'm not cracking up! he is not cracking up! 

what have we done? 

what did you ask me? 

i said, what have we done? 

[tires squealing] 

yes, you did. now, that is the question. 

that is exactly the question we should be asking ourselves. 

"what have we done?" why don't you tell us. what have we done? 

i just want to get married. exactly! 

exactly my point. what's your fucking point? 

i'm not talking to you, moore. 

what's your point?! what's your point?! 

you want to know what you're doing here? 

you are love-pumping. 

you are protecting all that is sacred and beautiful 

and in sync with poetry and sunsets 

and little newborn babies. 

you're walking the walk. 

this is it, fisher-- the real stuff. 

you love this woman, 

and nothing-- absolutely nothing-- supersedes love, man. 


i love you, i love moore, i love michael. 

this car is full of love! 

but trust me, we will do what it takes-- 

whatever it takes. 

[muffled yelling] 

love does not lose. 

[man singing in hebrew] 

[high-pitched sobbing] 

michael. michael-- oh, michael... 

i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. 

no, it's not your fault. it's not your fault. 

[singing in hebrew] 

i'll get you a new minivan. 

then you can be the soccer mom. 

you're the soccer mom! steady, boy. 

no, it's not your fault. 

no--michael, watch the nose. the nose! 

oh, michael. 

michael, come on, let's go. 

oh, god. oh, oh! 

[michael ranting incoherently] 

i'm sorry! 

i'm sorry! 

i'm sorry! 

woman: oh! oh, my god! 

i'm sorry! 




you're out of your fucking mind. 

nobody's talking about canceling. 

i'm just talking about modifying. 

no way. no way! 

can we just talk it through? 

talkwhatthrough? lookit, lookit... 

we are locked and loaded here, right? 

i mean, we are nonrefundable. 

i have family at the airport as we speak, 

getting ready to come here to see us get married. 

do you understand? i have a table full of presents out there. 

[telephone ringing] just answer it! 


kyle, it's lois. 

i was up at adam's study, and i found a note. 

it seems to be some sort of confession 

about some horrible thing he did to a woman in las vegas, and... 

buried outside of vegas, about boyd being the ringleader... 

she wants to know what the hell's going on. i'm starting to freak out. 

we're goosed. we're not goosed. what's her disposition? 

regarding what? did she sound pissed, scared, hostile? 

did she say anything about calling the police? 

no, but she's definitely pissed and hostile, 

and she clearly is starting to think that something's not right. 

we're goosed-- goosed by god! 

michael, would you please calm down, all right? what did you tell her? 

i told her i had no idea what adam was talking about in that letter. 

did she believe you? i have no idea. 

you can tell when people believe you. it's obvious. 

i don't have that skill, but if i had to guess, 

i'd say that she in no way believed me. 

goosed! shut up. 

goosed! stop it. 

goosed! what's goosed? 

would you give him another pill? he's already had two. 

give him two more. 

we are goosed! 

open sesame. 

jesus, boyd, you're gonna o.d. him. suck my ass! 


man: hey! 

lois: i never liked you, boyd. 

you're a sneaky little fuck-- always have been. 

what are you talking about? 

don't sweet-lip me. 

i don't understand where this personal attack is coming from. 

you're a liar. i want to know what happened in vegas. 

nothing happened in vegas. 

i don't want to hear it from the liar, 

so stick a plug in it, boyd. 

fisher, what happened in vegas? 

nothing happened in vegas. 


nothing happened, lois. 


do you have something to tell me? 

michael, just tell lois nothing happened in vegas. 

shut up, boyd! shut up. 



goosed. what? 

lois, we were bad. 

we were very, very... we were very, very bad. 

he's just upset about adam. we're all a little upset. 

michael, michael, michael... what did you do? 



nothing happened in vegas. 

all right, i'll call the police. 

i will call the police right now 

if i don't start getting some answers. 

please calm down, lois. fuck you, boyd. 

just take it easy, ok? enough of this. 

nothing happened, lois. 

nothing happened. nothing happened. nothing happened. 

i am going to count to 5, and i will call the police, 

and then we'll find out what happened. one... 

mike: goosed! 

two... please don't make this situation 

3... any more tense than it has to be, all right? 

4... just relax, would you? 

i am calling the fucking police! 

ok, here's the deal! 

adam slept with a prostitute in vegas. 

he was sick with guilt. 


it's true. no. 

it wasn't the first time. 

adam had a... 

adam had a thing for...prostitutes. 

my adam? 


my adam? no... 

[sobbing] i don't believe it. 

i don't believe it. it's not true. 

not my adam! 

we're very, very sorry. 

you're lying! 

you're a bunch of liars! 

i don't believe you! 

watch your fingers, watch your toes. 

all right, fellas, i want you to listen to me. 

now, mommy's going to take a little time-out, 

and bunker's going to keep you guys company, 

and everything's going to be ok--i promise. 



take my cell phone. 

after you drop the kids off, take michael home. 

put a couple drinks in him so he'll sleep. 

i don't think that's a good idea. 

just do it. i'll call you later. 

what are you doing? 

i'm gonna take care of business. 

what doesthatmean? 

what does that mean? are you insane? 

do you actually think i would hurt lois? 

she's the mother of these kids, for christ's sakes. 

what's wrong with you? 

you got a real nasty side to your thought process. 

[bunker barking] 

kyle: look, i'm sorry. it's just for tonight. 

lois is a mess, michael is upset, everybody's upset. 

shut up! 

ok, i amnotcanceling this wedding. 

i don't want you to. i won't even discuss it. 

nobody's discussing it, ok? 

i'm just gonna bring them back home. i'm gonna come right back. 

you have to pick up the cake in the morning, early. 

don't we have somebody to do that for us? 

yeah. you. [bunker barking] 


ok. ok. 



why did i have to... 

aw, jesus fucking christ! 

evil bastards! 

aah, you hear that buzzing, fish? 


yeah, like a... 

like a fucking chirping in the back of my skull. 

i don't hear anything. 

yeah, well, it's a nasty problem. 

deedee? deedee. 

boom! bing, bing, bing. bam, bam, bam. 

[lois snoring] 

[glass slammed on table] 

mike: ahh... 

dad used to bring home these sparklers for me and adam, you know? 



we'd go out back, the 3 of us, 

and we'd hold it up to the sky 

and watch the explosions of light and sparks, you know, 

and dad would be all, "wait for it. here it comes. watch for it. 

ok, here it comes. here comes the wah-hoo." 


wah-hoo! the sparkler would burn hot, 

then hotter, then even hotter, 

and then there'd be this one moment of pure burn 

when that little fucker would cook perfect-- just perfect. 

it would only last a second, but that second was it. 

it wasit. 

and that's what dad had us looking for, man. 

are you with me? the wah-hoo moment? 

that's exactly right. that's what i'm driving at: 

man burning at his absolute-- 

all the forces coming together, 

burning just perfect-- 

perfect harmony. 

that's what i'm driving at. 

are you with me? 

i think so. 

i've been looking for that flash. 

i've been looking, and i've been looking, 

and i can't find it. 

and what if it already happened, you know? 

my moment. 

what if it happened, and i didn't even see it? 




no, it's boyd. 

i just want you to know 

just how much i didn't appreciate 

that personal attack. 

i'm really offended! 

uhh! no! 

[muffled cries] 


you picked the wrong woman, motherfucker! 


auuuuughh god! 



it's over, baby. 

i'm gonna turn myself in. 

no. after the wedding, of course. 

after the wedding, out of respect. 

i don't think that's a good idea-- 

no, no, no, no, no. you don't understand. 

out of respect for fisher. 

out of respect for you-- 

listen to me, listen to me-- 

respect for your wife 

and your wedding, ok? all right? 

do you hear where i am here? 

i appreciate it. 

you're just being too hard on yourself. 

no, no, no, no, no. 

this is my doing, ok? 

just stop. 

i'm gonna have a spark of my own, all right? 




get up! 

you're mine! 

i'm gonna do this for lois... 

[glass breaks] 

and for my brother... 

and for the kids... 

i'm gonna turn myself in, 'cause i'm all that. 



mike: [drunk] i've thinked it over, fish. 

kyle: what is it? 


if you think about names, 

you know, babies... 

michael's a pretty good one, 

you know? 

this stuff will be over, right? 

fish? fish? 

[telephone rings] 

you know what i'm saying? 


[breathless] ok, here's the deal. 

and it's a good one. lois is cool. 

it's a pacified situation. 

whoa, whoa. what do you mean? 

she's resting, she's comfortable. 

the only thing is, 

you still got michael there, right? right? 


ok, great. 

she wants to see him in person. 

she, uh... 

she needs to grieve with her family. 

just a little family time. 

right now? yeah. 

well, isn't it a little late? 

get over here and don't be so goddamn selfish! 

boyd: ok, you guys wait in the car. 

i'm gonna take him in. 

she just wants to see him alone. 

mike: lois wants to see me? 

here we go, big guy. 


[drunken stammer] 

yes. she wants a big hug, big family hug. 

come on. 

one foot in front of the other... 

there you go. 

mike: hey, fisher? kyle: yeah? 

i'm gonna do this, and then we're gonna go to fatburger. 

ok, big guy. 

boyd: lois is in the house. 

come on, michael, get in the house. 

[door opens and closes] 

you know... 

i'm thinking about maybe making a move. 

a move? 

yeah. greenpeace. 


yeah. yeah. yeah. 

maybe go up to the north pole, the arctic. 

tag polar bears with dart guns. 

i've always had pretty good aim. 




michael was in love with lois. 

that's what michael and adam were arguing about 

in the parking lot. 

michael killed adam in a jealous rage, 

lois rejected michael, 

he strangled her to death... 

and he shot himself in the head. 

happens all the time. 

that lois, she fought like a fucking comanche. 

man: well, i don't see how this could have been kept from you. 

last month, adam and lois changed their will. 

they requested that you two, as a married couple, 

be custodians of record for their estate, 

including all properties, cash holdings, security holdings, 


adam had a $500,000 term life insurance policy. 

what does that mean? 

that means we have $500,000 to help raise the kids. 

no! yes. 

no! yes. 

actually, no. 

adam failed to make his last payment, so his term life lapsed. 

but he did have a pension account worth $150,000 

and the house, valued at 350,000. 

ok, so where does that leave us? 

150 and 350, 

that takes us back up to 500,000. 

not even close. the property value's down. 

the house is worth 100,000 less... 

3 credit cards... 

the minivan payments... 

and the income and the state taxes assessed on his i.r.a... 

that leaves you in the neighborhood of... 


are you fucking kidding me? 

timmy: the hell did you do that for, you little asshole? 

what are you gonna do about it, you little fucker? 

come on, hit me! 

secretary: hey, hey, come on--enough, enough, enough. 

[children fighting] 


when's the wedding? 


we're getting married tomorrow. 

secretary: i've had enough of you two devils! 

enough! enough! 

excuse me for a moment. 


what is going on? 

these are your clients' kids! look at these-- 

it's gonna be ok. 

[whimpers] it's not ok. 

it's not ok. it's not ok. 

we're gonna be fine. 

we have to cancel. 

no. no, we don't, no, we don't. 

it's gonna be ok, honey-- 

it's gonna be ok. 

do you love me? 

kyle... it's gonna be ok. 

w-w-we killed a woman. 


what are you talking about? 

in vegas. 

michael killed a woman. 

michael killed her-- he hit her head and she bled. 

and she...she died. 

but there was nothing we could do about it, so we buried her. 

who's dead? 

the prostitute's dead. 

you fucked a prostitute? 

no. michael did. 

it was an accident, michael did it. 

where is she? 

she's buried in the desert. 

you left a dead prostitute alone in the desert? 

she's not alone. 

boyd went-- 

boyd went crazy. 

he went nuts, and he started killing everybody. 

he killed a guard. he killed michael. 

he killed lois-- 

stop, ok? just stop right there. 

i don't want to hear any more of this, ok? 

i told you not to do that stupid fucking bachelor party thing. 

i know. 

you were warned! i know. 

you were warned, kyle! you were warned! 

i told you your friends were just jackasses! 

i know! and i'm sorry. 

i've waited 27 years, ok? 

27 years i have focused and prepared 

to walk down that aisle, 

and i will not be derailed. 

i will not be embarrassed, 

and i will not be denied! 

so tomorrow, i am walking down that aisle, 

come hell or high fucking water! 



we're about two minutes out. 


better take your position. 


let me see you. 

there you are. 

you look great, man. 

go get 'em. 


this is a situation that defies judgment. 

we have acted and shown courage 

of a nature not known by most. 

you've got a warped though process. 

your brain doesn't function properly. 

whatever you say, kojak. 

i'm serious. 

no, no, no-- 

i'mthe serious one here, ok? 

i'm the serious one. 

i'm the guy making the fucking plays. 

i'm the indian runner, for chrissake, 

and i want my money! 

what money? 

blood money! 

insurance dollars which you have thus far 

somehow let slip your mind to tell me about! 

you're sick. 

if you think you can fuck me, fish, 

you can't, ok? 

i'm backed up. i'm insulated, baby! 

backed up on floppy, do you get me? 

i want that fucking money! 

oh, god, i can taste it! 

not a prayer. 

goddamn it! 

i'm a fucking lighthouse, man! 

i stay lit for you! i stay lit! 

i never go dark! never go dark! 

you need help. 

i want that fucking money! 

i told boyd two fucking minutes. 

i want my money! 


hope you have a nice wedding, you stupid idiot! 

you trying to cheat me, you goddamn bastard! 


laura: boyd! 

this ismyday! 

baby, wait! wait! 

stop, baby. 

[giggles] ok. 

stick him in the crapper and get your ass upstairs. 


[organ plays] 

the best man's not gonna make it. 

we're gonna just start, ok? 



where's boyd? 

in the toilet. 

we're gonna get started, ok? 

[playingwedding march] 


dearly beloved, 

we are all here today because two very special people, 

laura and kyle, 

have found each other. 

you can't...spawn the salmon man! 

when i see two young people in love as they are, 

i find myself renewed and inspired because the spirit-- 


with hope for the future and joy. 

i'm coming! 

let us begin. 

may we have the rings, please? 

i'm on my way! 

the rings. we need the rings. 

i don't have the rings. 

i got the ring! 

[whispers] boyd has the rings. 

i'm there... 

excuse me. 

[boyd strikes floor] 

charles: oh, god. 

oh, god... 

where's the rings? 


aaaahhhhhh! jesus christ! 



got 'em. 

now we can begin. 

do you, kyle, take this woman laura 

to be your wife and helpmate 

in sickness and in health 

along life's highways, wherever they may take you, 

until death do you part? 

i do. 

and do you, laura, take this man kyle-- 

i do. 

you may kiss the bride. 


hey, guys? 

listen, i need two minutes with him. 

i'll be right out. 

baby, i just want you to know that all this, 

everything i did, is 'cause i love you 

and i wanted you to have that wedding 

like you always wanted to have, ok? 

you and moore are gonna go move those fucking bodies, 

do you understand me? 

and you're gonna bury boyd with them. 

and in fact, you know what? 

you're gonna fucking put moore in the ground, too. 

you want me to kill moore? 

i know he's your only friend left, ok? 

but he is a loose string, 

and you are gonna have to start 

fucking flushing the toilet like a big boy, 

do you understand me? 

woman: laura? 


you know... 

you guys, listen-- 

two minutes, please. just make my apologies for me. do your job. 

and while you're at it, you know, 

just get rid of that fucking dog. 

the dog? 

i don't care what you do, get rid of him. 

lose him in the desert. 

you want me to kill the dog? 

do you love me? yes. 

do you? mm-hmm. 

do you love me? 


do you love me? mm-hmm. 

do it? 

[girls pound on door] laura! 


i told you two fucking minutes! 

[charles digging] 

i've been thinking. 

i've been thinking about what you said that day-- 

the prayer. 

about using this whole mess 

to bring out the good in me. 

i think there's a lot of truth in that. 

i'm gonna pursue some options. 

i want to join that big brother thing. 


i want a black one. 

i want a little black brother. 

it's a big problem, it seems to me, 

you know? 

lack of racial integration, that's a big one. 

don't you think? 



laura, voice-over: do you love me? 

that ought to be about the end of that. 


adam, voice-over: because that is the point here, ok? 

that is what i'm driving for. 

when the big storm comes 

and it knocks down all the forests 

and all the rocks fall down 

and all the leaves are bare, what is left? 

what is left? 

the little trees. 

the little fellas that the storm didn't see. 

the tiny little trees. 


[pumping noise] 

kyle: ok, boys, let's hear the badger oath. 

come on, boys, let's hear it one more time. 

timmy: a badger is great. 

a badger faces great adversity... 

[stuff hits floor] 

adam jr.: a badger is economical, 

saves for the unforeseen. 

a badger is sanitary, 

keeps his mind and body pure. 


come on, let's see the badger salute. 

aw, no! 

come on, let's see the badger salute. 




the hell with it. 

come on, give me your hand. 

timmy: i don't need any help! 

kyle: if you don't reach out to me, i can't help. 

leave me alone! 

your new mommy's coming. 

your new mommy's-- 

come on. come on, now. we're gonna make it. 

let's talk about our feelings. 

i hate you and your bitch wife! 

get your own crutch, stump boy! 

please clean the bathroom. 

let's talk about our feelings. how do we feel? 

a little help? 

i can't breathe, asshole! 

a little help, please? 

let go of me, you gimp! 

a little help? 


honey, could you help me with the wheelchair? 

honey? i need some help. 

that's ok, she's not running from you. 

help me, honey. you want to talk about us?


Special help by SergeiK