Wake Up Ron Burgundy Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Wake Up Ron Burgundy script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Will Ferrell and Steve Carell movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Wake Up Ron Burgundy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Wake Up Ron Burgundy Script


  

  

          Narrator: There are stories, epic and grand stories

          that are forever lost in the sands of time,

          forgotten or changed by cruel kings

          who can hear only the whispers of these lost legends.

          Right there, Scottie. Take her down.

          Narrator: Still, other tales become too frightening

          for future generations to impart to their young.

          But other stories are lost to us

          because they don't test well with recruited audiences

          or because a movie is too long

          and the story must be cut for time.

           This is one of those tales.

            This is the chaff from the wheat,

            the skim from the milk...

            the pudding from the all-you-can-eat lobster buffet,

            and the surgeon guy from Prince & the Revolution.

            This is the lost movie

            ''Wake Up, Ron Burgundy.''

            Don't worry, San Diego, Daddy's here.

            Hey, Ron Burgundy!

            - You're the best! - Looking good, San Diego.

            I just met Ron Burgundy, and he gave me a cup!

            Hey, Ron Burgundy!

            You should do story about me.

            You're a riot, Mikos.

            Hey, Ron. Bottoms up!

            Well, hello, booze.

            Peace, brother. I'm where you're at.

            Hey, I like that fanny.

            Oh, Mr. Burgundy.

            I'm Sue, I'm in the book.

            Narrator: Ron Burgundy was at the peak of his power

            as an anchorman.

            I got you, old glory.

            Walking tall and sharing a desk

            with his beloved Veronica Corningstone.

            Wait a minute, who's that handsome devil?

            Narrator: The city of San Diego

            now had a king and a queen,

            and they ruled with a mighty,

            and sometimes sexy hand.

            Veronica, however, had recently been nominated

            for a National Excellence in Broadcasting Award

            and was out of town.

            For one night only, it was just Ron and the boys.

            So, Champ, did you get lucky last night?

            Oh, no. Last night--

            Oh, I stayed home for a while, drank about six bottles of white wine,

            pissed my pants, so I drove down to Mexico,

            and shot some stray dogs.

            You know, pretty much standard Tuesday night.

            Hey, you guys... what is that word?

            - ''Because.'' - Bee-cose...

            - Because. Because. - ls that even a word?

            All righty, news team, whose drink needs a freshening up? Anyone?

            Helen, I'll have a Beefeater and tonic, hold the tonic.

            Ron, oh...

            I know.

            I know I'm bad. I've been a bad boy.

            I know, it's silly.

            All right, gang, it's almost  :  . Let's do what we're paid to do.

            Da, da, da.

            Unique New York.

            Unique New York.

            A tarantula enjoys a fine chewing gum.

            Ron: Chewing gum, chewing gum.

            Snoopy was stabbed by a spear.

            The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.

            The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet.

            The arsonist. The arsonist.

            Cue it.

            Ready, Phil.

            We're on in five, four...

            Announcer: It's Channel   News at  :  .

            Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,

            and this is what's happening in your world tonight.

            An international coalition of countries

            has banded together to investigate and solve

            the mystery of the Bigfoot

            once and for all.

            The conference held in Munich

            included some of the top scientists from the United States...

            Ron Burgundy. Oh, boy.

            If I were only    years younger...

            By that I mean I'd blow him.

            ...with some interesting new and shocking statistics

            out of Washington, here's Brian Fantana

            with a report you won't want to miss.

            Tonight, I conclude my five-part series

            on the evils of breast-feeding.

            So remember, let's leave those ho-hos to us big kids, moms.

            Well, it looks like it's gonna be another great weekend.

            Here to tell us all about it is Brick Tamland with the weather. Brick?

            Now, it got all the way up to   

            in some of the outlying areas today, and that, my friend,

            is really, really hot.

            And I always make the same plea

            every year at this time. If you've got pets

            and you're going to leave them in the car in this kind of heat,

            make sure they have a lot of chew toys,

            and be sure to roll up the window, so that heat doesn't get into the car.

            Lots going on in the world of sports.

            Champ Kind is gonna let us know what's going down. Champ?

            Big night tonight for the Padres

            finishing up a three-game series with the Dodgers.

            They lost the game  - .

            Here's the pitch, it's a curveball,

            and what happens? I'll tell you what happens.

            And... whammy!

            Dave Winfield takes Burt Hooten deep.

            Box seven, let's ready three.

            From here at Channel   News, I'm Champ Kind. Back to you, Ron.

            There was a special addition today at the San Diego Zoo

            as Linda the giraffe gave birth

            to a    lb. baby boy.

            Officials at the zoo say the baby giraffe

            will be named Freedom.

            Looks like the Clippers might have themselves a new center.

            - Man, that's hilarious. - ( all laughing )

            For all of us here at News Center  

            I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego.

            All clear.

            Ed: Ron Burgundy scores.

            You're my boy.

            Hey, Ron, Deacon Charlie, the weatherman

            over at Channel   News, is having a pool party.

            Every anchor in town is gonna be there.

            Well, I think it's time to show the fine gals of this city

            what a number-one-rated news team looks like.

            News team!

              Narrator: And with Veronica gone, and another broadcast done,

              it was time to do one thing--

              socialize... hard.

              I couldn't do that.

              I couldn't do that.

              - Woo! - Hey, Ron,

              - do you know what chlamydia is? - No, but it sounds like fun.

              - Hey, Ron. - Hey, Garth. How's the divorce?

              Oh, not so good. My kids don't even remember me--

              Listen, I don't have time. You done with that?

              I think you are now.

              Well, hello, Pete. You look good. So do you.

              Konnichiwa.

              - Cannonball! - Champ: Hey, everyone!

              Orgy!

              Sorry, I misread the vibe.

              Just go back to what you were doing.

              Narrator: But even in the midst of this supposed bliss,

              trouble can step forward and say, ''Hey! Don't forget about me.''

              Everybody get down!

              This is a robbery! We are The Alarm Clock!

              - It all begins today! - Heroes get blasted!

              Shoot, I'm havin' a good time! This is a party! Come on!

              It's a revolutionary sure shot.

              We're taking it all back.

              Y'all better wake up, 'cause The Alarm Clock's ringin'.

              Ding-a-ling-a-ding-ding-dong!

              You've got a real reason to be afraid!

              Hurry up!

              We are liberating this money so that the truth can be set free,

              and the people of this city can wake up! Dig it!

              We are The Alarm Clock!

              Oh, that was one crazy party.

              I feel awful.

              I had about    beers.

              I mean, literally.

              I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation.

              It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said.

              My stomach's itchy.

              I woke up this morning,

              and I shit a squirrel.

              The hell of it is, the thing was still alive.

              So now I got this shit-covered squirrel

              down there in my office, don't know what to name it.

              You should name him Shawn.

              Garth: All right, guys, let's focus up.

              Morning, everyone.

              Here are the stories we're gonna be chasing today.

              The radical protest group called The Alarm Clock

              robbed their third bank this morning.

              Let's keep on top of this story. If it gets any bigger,

              the network could need coverage.

              Narrator: Veronica had gone straight from the airport to the newsroom...

              - Hello. - and Ron's heart nearly leapt

              out of his chest when he saw his sweet, sweet lady.

              Oh, Ron, you are a big deal.

              Take me. Take me right now on this conference table.

              It's jazz. It's jazz, baby!

              Ron, control yourself!

              Not-not with the lights on!

              Ron: Let's make a baby!

              Veronica: This feels sexy!

              Ron: I am engorged!

              He's like an unleashed animal, run!

              Put it back in!

              No, no, he didn't mean that! Take it out!

              - Look at this. - Brad: Yeah.

              Must be    Gs here,

              plenty of money to start the revolution.

              We got enough bread to arm the people, feed the people,

              get people riotous in the streets.

              Know what we should do with this money?

              I think we should buy a big bag of grass.

              What about the revolution?

              Our mission...

              is clearly stated in the manifesto.

              Where the hell is that manifesto, man?

              I am writing the manifesto.

              I'm beginning to start to think you just here for the --.

              You wanna know what our cause is?

              Yeah, we wanna know.

              Narrator: The group was at a crucial juncture.

              For months, Paul had put off writing the manifesto

              by smoking skunkweed and jacking banks.

              But now it was time to state ''the message''

              or lose his hold on this band of dropouts and outsiders.

              The TV! That's right!

              The TV!

              This... this propaganda box,

              if we don't control this propaganda box...

              the man... will always control our minds

              and the minds-- the minds of the people.

              Just look at some of the lies they're telling.

              Oh, hello.

              I'm beloved anchor Ron Burgundy.

              You know, lately I'm hearing all this talk about kids

              smoking pot, or marijuana-- reefer.

              Hey, what's the deal with that?

              What happened to just getting high on good old clean life?

              Maybe enjoying life looking at a rainbow,

              or sitting underneath a waterfall,

              enjoying a big glass of Scotch,

              or enjoying a pack of cigarettes on a hot summer day.

              What happened to those simple pleasures?

              Did they die with the dinosaurs and the Tyrannus rex?

              In my book, they didn't.

              And there's only one book--

              that's the Bible.

              So, give it a read when you got a chance.

              Hey, last time I checked, Bibles were in libraries.

              Hey, good night.

              The following has been a public service announcement--

              Listen to this shit!

              That Ron Burgundy is the devil.

              We gotta take back the airwaves!

              Yo, I'm telling you, Ron Burgundy don't even know the hell awaitin' him.

              But he sure is handsome.

              Frame up two.

              Give me a tighter one on two.

              Good evening, I'm Ron Burgundy.

              Here's what's going on in your world tonight, San Diego.

              The group of bank-robbing radicals

              who call themselves The Alarm Clock

              have struck yet again.

              Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene

              with a Channel   News exclusive. Brian?

              Police are still baffled by this string of politically-motivated robberies.

              They have little evidence, and few leads.

              - All they can do now is sit and wait-- - What is that stench?!

              Smells like a biker threw up on a pile of rotten shrimp.

              Hey, jag-off, why don't you keep it down? I'm on TV.

              Back to you, Ron.

              Which proves yet again that even a blind man

              and his pet Japanese devil owl

              can find true happiness in this world we live in.

              Let me take a moment here...

              just to collect...

              A story like that makes this job hard and great all at the same time.

              A lot of emotion right now.

              A lot of emotion.

              Well...

              that's gonna do it for all of us here at Channel   News--

              God, I'm still shook up.

              Still shook up.

              That's gonna do it for all of us here at Channel   News.

              I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego.

              What's that?

              Just a little song I heard, made me think of a special lady

              that I happen to be driving with right now.

              Ron, it's making me very nervous that you're not looking at the road.

              Don't worry.

              I know these streets like the back of my hand.

              Mr. Burgundy, please, would you look at the road?

              Woman: ...gonna get killed...

              'Cause it's really making me very, very nervous.

              This is a Pontiac Catalina, by the way.

              It really handles well on the open road.

              Mr. Burgundy, please, watch out.

              Hold on. All right.

              You have captivating eyes,

              like a... like a unicorn or a princess.

              Has anyone ever told you that?

              No. Thank you.

              I've never crashed...

              this month. And earlier last year--

              There's a Spanish family trying to get across the road--

              - No, I know, the Rodriguez family. - Veronica: Ah!

              Do you like Thai food?

              You should look at that place over there.

              And if you're looking for a good supermarket...

              that place is not bad.

              Oh my God.

              How do you do that?

              It's okay, we're almost there.

              Ron: Let me just parallel park here.

              - There you have it. - Oh...

              Oh my...

              what a beautiful view, Mr. Burgundy.

              I know.

              It always takes my breath away.

              Over there is the San Diego Observatory.

              It's on the highest point of the city.

              I've always had a dream of doing a broadcast from there.

              Bouncing a telecast

              off the planets and the stars, through the Milky Way

              and onto Jupiter's arrow.

              Broadcasting...

              with the gods, I like to call it.

              Reaching people for hundreds and millions of miles.

              So, is this where Ron Burgundy goes

              when he's tired of being San Diego's number one anchorman?

              You are a firecracker.

              Ron: How is everyone tonight? Good to see you.

              So, here it is.

              My little sanctuary, Tino's.

              - Like I said, it's not much-- - Oh, no, to the contrary,

              - it's quite charming and colorful. - Well, good.

              - Mr. Burgundy... - Yes.

              because of the story you did last year about delinquent landlords,

              - we had heat for Christmas. - That was October   th,

              Tuesday night, I was wearing a red tie with white speckles...

              are you Paula Tran?

              You are a national treasure, Mr. Burgundy.

              Well, thank you. We'll try to get you some air conditioning this summer.

              Take care.

              Oh, this city really seems to love you.

              Well, it's like having one million children,

               % of which are predominantly Asian.

              Narrator: Meanwhile, as Ron and Veronica's romance blossomed,

              the team found themselves even more alone...

              and confused.

              I saw the funniest thing the other day. It was this balloon,

              it was just popping around in this string.

              I would hit it with my hand, it would just keep popping back up.

              You guys would have loved it.

              Let's do something. I'm bored.

              Hey, I got an idea.

              Let's tear up the Channel   News teams' lawn, huh?

              Whammy? Huh? Whammy.

              Eh, why the hell not?

              Hell's bells, not again!

              You sons of bitches! That's the fifth time this month!

              I'm getting tired of it. I was in Korea!

              I miss Ron.

              You know, I have an admission to make, Mr. Burgundy.

              When we first met, I-- I--

              thought that you were just like every other anchor.

              But... you're not.

              God, I was so tongue-tied that night.

              I kept wishing there was a Teleprompter for life.

              It's ridiculous to think about now.

              What about you, Veronica?

              What are your hopes? What are your dreams?

              - What are your passions? - Well...

              believe it or not, we share the same dream.

              I, too, want to be a network anchor.

              Oh boy!

              And I'd like to be king of Australia.

              Seriously, you sound like an insane person.

              No, I'm very serious, Mr. Burgundy.

              You see, I've always been...

              cursed with a talent for pursuits usually dominated by men.

              When I was a little girl, instead of playing house,

              I would play drill sergeant or butcher.

              Later on in high school, instead of trying out for cheerleading,

              I was president of the bow hunting club.

              One morning, I read the announcements over the PA,

              just the sound of my voice...

              so powerful,

              commanding all of those students,

              grabbing their attention, I just--

              I knew I had but one destiny,

              and that was to be the first female anchor.

              Yes, the road has been lonely, and...

              difficult...

              and lonely.

              You are electric.

              Now, Ron, friend to friend,

              sounds to me like you better just be careful.

              Just take some caution with this, 'cause...

              you're really making a lot of us feel uneasy with this type of talk.

              Well, this morning...

              when I woke up...

              and I saw Veronica lying there next to me...

              for a split second...

              I actually cared about someone more than Ron Burgundy.

              That doesn't make any sense!

              You're you, she's a whole different person.

              You care about her? That's just crazy.

              Well, if love is a form of madness, then lock me up

              and throw away the key. ( chuckles )

              Ron: Hey, gang!

              Papa's home!

              Oh, honey, I am so glad you're home.

              My alabaster doll, mmm.

              Gentlemen,

              you look great. No eye contact!

              Oh, darling, oh!

              I've spent all day cleaning your Emmys and preparing dinner in the nude.

              Oh, let's make whoopee.

              - Oh, yes! - You are a bad boy!

              I'm bad! I need to go to the principal's office.

              I love my life!

              You take that back right now, Ron.

              Or you tell me right now that you're under some kind of spell

              or witchcraft or you got bit by a horrible bug.

              - That's crazy! - So where is Veronma--

              Veronamaca now?

              She's off to go do her first story,

              The Feline Fashion Show.

              I hope she can handle it. This is big time.

              ( applause )

              Oh, next we have a popular favorite--

              the bride and the pirate.

              Yes, it's time for a pirate wedding,

              enacted by cats.

              Emcee: And now here's Felinus Maximus, ready to do battle.

              All right, let's just do my sign-off and get out of here.

              Hello, my name is Paul.

              Um, this is so cool, what you do.

              Maybe we can get an Orange Julius later and you can tell me all about it.

              Look, sir, I'm about to broadcast, so if you'll excuse me, please.

              I noticed the cables. They go out into your van.

              - ( sighs ) - I almost tripped and broke my leg.

              If anybody gets a van like that, can they broadcast their own news?

              Sir, we're about to go live in about    seconds.

              - You're gonna have to move off-camera. - Hey, I can dig it.

              You've got to let the truth ring out, wake up all the squares

              in this city of lies. How about that Orange Julius later?

              Get the hell away from me before I kick you!

              And we're on in three...

              It was quite a show down here at the Pet Shack.

              And just for today, fashion curiosity did not kill the cat.

              It made him look ''purr-fect.''

              From the Pet Shack in Fulton, I'm Veronica Corningstone

              for Channel   News.

              Nice little story.

              That, of course, was Veronica Corningstone.

              I'd also like to share with you that currently we are dating.

              And I have to tell you, she's quite a creative partner in the bedroom.

              She did this one thing on Tuesday night

              that involved a hula-hoop and a lasso...

              - and an ice cream scooper. - Man: Ron!

              What? Well, that's going to do it for all of us here at  :  .

              For the Channel   News team, I'm Ron Burgundy.

              You stay classy, San Diego.

              Oh, that's good. That's just good.

              You're not eating your food.

              Oh, you stupid, stupid man!

              I can't believe that you said that we were dating on the air, Ron!

              I thought you would like it!

              Don't you get it, Ron?

              Well, I doubt anyone heard it, I said it very fast.

              - Besides, I think people-- - Hey, you two.

              - Congrats on getting it on. - Thanks you, it really is remarkable.

              I bet you're both great in the sack.

              Let's just say we get the job done.

              And this little lady over here, she knows how to handle herself.

              - Man: Yeah. - Okay.

              - Are you both athletic? - You know, I have a bad back.

              Bad lower back, so I have to watch out for that.

              But other than that, I will do some things in the bedroom

              - that'll blow your mind. - Ron!

              - Shh! - Enjoy your meal.

              That was very nice.

              I'm sorry, Veronica. I--

              I truly am!

              I don't know what to say, I just--

              I got excited.

              Look, I report the news, that's what I do.

              And today's top story...

              in Ron Burgundy's world read something like this--

              ''I love Veronica Corningstone.''

              Oh, Ron!

              Are you two about to get it on?

              Oh no, no, no, no. Not right now, maybe later.

              - Okay, stop answering him. - I'm just trying to be polite.

              You know, 'cause getting it on's a beautiful thing, you know.

              Hi, hi!

              Geoff Grendon. I didn't introduce myself, Geoff.

              E-O-double F.

              - Geoff Grendon. - If you all need photos.

              - If you ever need wedding photography-- - Great.

              Or boudoir photography.

              I'd love to write that down. If you have a pen, I don't have a pen--

              - You're being very inappropriate. - Yeah, hey...

              Do y'all need more cheese? I can...

              Honey, can I have your napkin to write down Geoff's name?

              - G-E-O-F-F-- - G...

              - G-E-O-F-F, Grendon. - Grendon.

              Well, I understand, Mr. Dawson.

              But, he is my son and I would prefer

              if you didn't refer to him as ''a dirty little animal.''

              Well, okay, if that makes you feel happy.

              But let me just say I... I really feel Chris is at a point

              that he's ready to turn everything around.

              What's that?

              You don't? Well, fair enough.

              But let me just say--

              Let me just--

              Let me-- okay.

              Well, thanks for listening to my side of it anyway, sir.

              You have a nice day. Goodbye.

              Um... I could come back later, Mr. Harken.

              No, no, it's just parent stuff.

              It seems that our youngest Chris

              was joyriding with a sheet of acid and a spear gun.

              Anywho, what can I do you for?

              Mr. Harken, I wanna investigate The Alarm Clock.

              A source of mine at the FBl

              says that they are planning a citywide disruption.

              Take a shot at the meat loaf story, honey, and we'll see how that goes.

              Well, what if I refuse?

              Well, then you'll probably be fired.

              Garth, let me handle this!

              I'd probably have to fire you, sweetpants.

              Well, then I would sue you, sir,

              for sexual harassment.

              Ooh, I like the sound of that.

              Sexual Her-ass-ment.

              Mr. Harken, you have a lot to learn about a professional work environment.

              ''You have a lot to learn about a professional work environment.''

              That is very immature and counterproductive.

              ''That is very immature and counterproductive.''

              - Stop it. Stop it! - ''Stop it. Stop it!''

              - Stop it! - No. ''Stop it.''

              Oh my God, nobody has done that to me since the sixth grade.

              ''No one has done that to me since the sixth grade.''

              Screw you, Harken!

              Wait a minute, are you coming on to me?

              Because if you are, I am interested!

              Narrator: Veronica was doing extremely well as Ron's co-anchor,

              some would even say too well.

              Veronica continued to win awards and garner praise.

              Ron's ego finally gave.

              He would love Veronica, he would even share a news desk with her,

              but he would not be outshone by her.

              She's got to be stopped.

              - This has gone too far. - I will not be a co-anchor.

              Ron Burgundy is a lead anchor.

              She's writing her own stories.

              Her own stories, Ron.

              Not to mention what this is doing to your chances of going to network.

              It's good to have you back. That female messed with your head big time.

              - I like Ron. - Thank you, Brick.

              Champ: Remember that limp-wristed fairy

              that was supposed to do the financial reports?

              Oh yeah, we were   / sure he was gay.

              He was gay, all right. I made out with him at the Christmas party.

              - What? - Uh, nothing.

              I say we run Corningstone out like we did that girlie-boy.

              Well, I'm in.

              So, it's settled. We declare war on Corningstone.

              By the way, Brick, what is that you're eating?

              Oh, it's one of those...

              delicious falafel hot dogs with cinnamon and bacon on top.

              What do you mean ''one of those''?

              Those don't exist.

              I mean, that's a used coffee filter with cigarette butts on it.

              Well, I got it out of the food basket at the end of the lunch line.

              - That's the garbage can. - Mm-hmm.

              Although with the cooking at this place, there's not much difference.

              - Whammy. - ( all laughing )

              Ron: Oh, that is true. I didn't see that coming.

              An astute observation has led to laughter.

              We are laughing.

              And it is continuing, and then slowing down a little,

              - but there's still a good spirit-- - Brian: Yeah, we got it, Ron.

              It's getting less. There's a little chuckle...

              and it's done.

              You really wreck moments when you do that, Ron.

              Brick, please... you're really gonna get sick.

              The Coast Guard was unavailable for comment.

              - Veronica? - A North Oregon man has come forward

              with an antique sword he found in his basement.

              It turns out the sword belonged to Christopher Columbus

              and may be worth $      . The man said he would

              keep his job as a car wash attendant. Ron?

              The... San Diego Padres...

              flew to Cincinnati.

              Veronica Corningstone.

              - ls this Veronica Corningstone? - Yes, it is.

              Did you order...    pizzas?

              - No, I did not. - Well...

              you got nice boobies.

              Excuse me?

              This is pathetic, Ron.

              Veronica: What are you doing, Ron?

              She can see us.

              Damn these blinds, I never figured them out.

              Lasers are becoming more and more

              a part of our daily lives.

              And now here's Champ Kind with sports.

              Boy, you seem kind of weird tonight, honey.

              It must be that time of the month. Whammy! ( chuckles )

              Padres looking at a double header today--

              I'm just curious, Champ, do you even know

              what the expression ''that time of the month'' means?

              Sure I do.

              It's when the bones... in a lady--

              lady's boobs, they get sore.

              Because of the...

              the vaginalistic cells are...

              expanding.

              Whammy.

              Help.

              Well, I'll tell you...

              You girls, you talk about it a lot and you--

              I know this, I know-- I know...

              it's your little friend,

              and then, you gotta wear...

              - protection. - Mmm.

              And then,

              the belly button is inflamed

              and...

              and then engorging of the...

              - fah-la-cule. - ''Fallacule.''

              Yeah. You might wanna write that down, honey.

              - Oh, I am. - Little lesson tonight.

              You didn't know you were dealing with the science desk there, huh?

              Champ: And then...

              nine months later is the miracle of life. Whammy, huh?

              Thank-- thank you, Champ.

              That will do it for sports. Back to you, Ron.

              Well, that was Champ Kind with a very informative sports report.

              Okay, it's ringing, it's ringing.

              - It's ringing. - Here she comes, here she comes.

              - Pick it up. - Pick it up!

              Veronica Cor...

              Hello, Veronica.

              ( chuckling ) Oh, Ron.

              Really stupid, boys! Really stupid!

              Oh, you got her.

              Everybody get down, this is a robbery!

              Paul: We are The Alarm Clock.

              It's time to let the truth ring out

              and wake up all the squares

              in this city of lies!

              We got guns, now fill this sack with cash!

              What do your masks mean?

              Just fill the sack with cash!

              Just what point are you trying to make?

              - Do you not like Lincoln? - Yeah, of course we like Lincoln.

              - He freed the slaves. - So you like Lincoln and...

              Nixon and...

              werewolves?

              - What? - I mean, Nixon, whatever.

              He's kind of a creep, but werewolves?

              Werewolves are the walking undead.

              They're bloodthirsty killers.

              - Who likes werewolves? - We don't like werewolves, man!

              - We hate werewolves! - Well, you've got a werewolf mask on,

              - so... - I can see that.

              Are you bloodthirsty killers?

              No, we are not bloodthirsty killers, okay? We're pacifists!

              That's not a really smart thing to tell somebody when you're robbing them,

              'cause now I know that you're not gonna kill me.

              - Man, somebody shut her up! - No, no, listen.

              You've got it all wrong, okay? They're just to cover our faces.

              No, I'm not gonna give you money, because you didn't deserve it.

              You say you're a political group? You come in here

              with a Nixon mask, and a werewolf mask

              and a Lincoln mask-- I'm gonna make connections.

              So, what's your statement?

              And this guy's not even wearing a mask!

              'Cause I don't give a shit.

              That's scary to me.

              That works.

              I will give that gentleman a little bit of money.

              But the rest of you, beat it!

              What's going on? Just get the money!

              Hey, listen. Our commitment is to truth,

              not consistency. Now fill the sack with cash!

              Fine, your commitment is to truth? Here's some truth for you.

              The Alarm Clock is a ridiculous name.

              - It's not scary. - Man, she's pissing me off,

              - let's shoot her! - Excuse me, sir,

              - could you lower your voice? - Oh, hell no.

              Now you're calling me sir?

              I am a ma'am, ma'am.

              I'm sorry, I didn't know what sex the werewolf was.

              How many werewolves do you see around here wearing a skirt...

              and a gun? None!

              You know what? Get out of here, you dicks! You're a bunch of dicks!

              I told you we should've worn stocking masks.

              All right, let's get out of here!

              All right, let's go. Come on.

              It's been a pleasure doing business with you.

              I'm coming back for you. You got a bad attitude.

              You've got a bad attitude, sir.

              You-- you're a jerk.

              ( Mouse sighs ) I'm sick of this. I'm gonna move to Tahoe.

              Paul: No! I mean, be cool, baby,

              we're gonna get our message on TV, I promise.

              I would like the next person in line, please.

              Everybody get down!

              We are The Alarm Clock, it's time to let the truth ring out

              and wake up all the squares in this city of lies.

              We got guns, now fill this sack with cash!

              Turn it off.

              This was their sloppiest robbery yet,

              which could mean they're getting desperate.

              - How new is this? - Forget it.

              Channel   already aired it as an exclusive.

              - Aw, man nipple! - ''Man nipple?''

              - ls that a curse word? - I'm pretty sure it is.

              It's too bad, Ed. We could've used a scoop like this.

              ''Wake up all the squares in this city of lies.''

              God, I've heard that somewhere before.

              Really? Doesn't ring a bell to me.

              Veronica: Donna? Donna?

              - Donna? - ( gasps ) Oh!

              - I'm sorry. You okay? - Yes.

              Listen, Donna, I need the unedited tape

              of the cat fashion show that I did a while back.

              - Do you have that? - Sure, Ms. Corningstone.

              Oh, wonderful. ( clears throat )

              - Here we go. - Oh, good, thank you.

              Can I just say that I think you're fantastic?

              - Oh... - I see you, and you're just going.

              And you're a girl.

              It just makes me want to yell, ''Keep going, girl!''

              or ''You go, girl!''

              Keep working on that.

              ''Keep it up, lady.'' I don't know.

              - That's probably silly. - Are we done here?

              - Oh, oh yeah. - Oh good. All right, thank you, Donna,

              - very much. - And you're pretty.

              And I'm bisexual.

              I'm having a fondue party...

              in my pants.

              - You're gonna have to move off-camera. - Hey, I can dig it.

              You've got to let the truth ring out, wake up all the squares

              in this city of lies.

              Garth, put Harken on the phone right now,

              he's gonna wanna hear this.

              Sons of bitches.

              Ed?

              Can you spell ''award''?

              You can't?

              You're watching Channel   News

              with Ron Burgundy, and introducing our new lead anchor,

              Veronica Corningstone.

              It's Channel   News at  :  .

              - I'm Ron Burgundy. - And I'm Veronica Corningstone.

              Tonight's top story. A chemical spill outside of Temecula

              has closed down all lanes of lnterstate   .

              CHP has evacuated the area,

              and has reported that there are no injuries.

              Local officials are concerned

              about the long-term environmental effects

              and are looking where to place the blame.

              Yeah, that's nice, Billy.

              I've witnessed train wrecks that weren't this ugly.

              Also, in other news today, if you're planning on taking the city bus,

              it's gonna cost you extra.

              City officials have raised bus fares

              from    a ride to   ,

              so you're gonna have to dig a little deeper.

              Fine!

              Ed: I know this has been real hard for you, Ron.

              I'm not gonna lie to you, Ed, it's been a bear.

              - You aren't crying, are you? - Nope.

              I wouldn't think any less of you if you did.

              - I'm not gonna cry, come on. - All right.

              If it's any consolation, Ron, this girl is good.

              She is damn good.

              - She is a dynamic anchor. - Yeah.

              What's more, she is a hell of a journalist in the field.

              - I know you don't wanna hear it. - I get it, I get it.

              Now look, I think it's time that I get out on the streets

              and do some real hard-hitting journalism, you know?

              I wanna-- I wanna--

              I've really been pondering, and I think I'd make a hell of a reporter.

              Oh, boy, Ron, I think that is a bad idea.

              You know, you don't do well without a Teleprompter.

              Well, that's just a rumor, okay?

              Now look, let me put together a weekly feature

              where I rip the lid off of some big story.

              Hey Harken, nice suspenders, dick.

              - What was that all about? - That's my son.

              Look, Ron, people seem to like you. I'm not sure why,

              but I'll tell you what. I'll put you in the field if that's what you want.

              - Great. - But you've got to do this right.

              I mean, follow leads, confirm sources.

              I am talking real journalism, my friend.

              Great. Right on.

              Now, what's a lead?

              Well, Ron, a lead is when you find information

              that ''leads'' you to larger stories.

              - Of course, you know what a source is. - Easy. Yes.

              No, I lied, I don't know.

              Well, a sour-- oh, Jeez. Why don't you just watch Corningstone?

              - She has a handle on what's going on. - Okay.

              She's always on the phone, she's viewing tapes.

              She's probably got dozens of juicy leads.

              - I'll watch her like a hawk. - You do that. I have confidence in you.

              - Now, I'm gonna go grab some steam. - Great.

              Ron, ''I'm'' gonna go grab some steam.

              - Right. See you, Ed. - See you back at the office.

              I won't let you down.

              Helen?

              Helen, has anyone been at my desk?

              Because I am missing some very important papers that I need

              - for a story that I'm working on. - Yes, Ron came by,

              he said there were some naked pictures of him

              he wanted to get them back from you, so...

              What? He did what?

              Oh, that... man!

              I hope that crazy gypsies castrate him

              and feed it to the dogs!

              - May I have some tea? - Yes, of course.

              You have such passion.

              All right, team, I've got a hot lead right here.

              Really? Where'd you get it?

              - Stole it from Corningstone. - Oh cool, what is it?

              It says Paul Hauser, a tropical fish clerk at Pet Shack,

              is head of the radical political group known as The Alarm Clock.

              Has his home address and everything. Oh my golly.

              - This is great. - Wow.

              This is a big story. You could win the Wurlitzer for this.

              Hey, look, a camera.

              Hey, if I win the Wurlitzer, you guys are all coming to the dinner.

              - What do you say we do it, gang? - Sweet sugar brown.

              Step on it, Brian. We're about to rip the lid off of this thing.

              I'm Ron Burgundy, San Diego,

              and it's time to rip the lid off of it!

              I'm Ron Burgundy, reporting to you from the mean streets of San Diego.

              So mean, in fact, I feel frightened for my life.

              Guess what, citizens? A political radical

              who's been eluding authorities for months is living here, among you.

              But I'm now going to-- rip the lid off of it!

              Ron: Let's go. Hurry up.

              Be swift. Be swift.

              Stay close, guys.

              Let's go, guys, stay sharp.

              Well, if it isn't Mr. Hauser. How are you today, devil?

              - What? - You heard what I said.

              You are the devil incarnate.

              What is that, a devil sandwich made of lies and hubris?

              I think you must have the wrong house.

              - Do I have the wrong house? - Yeah, Hauser lives across the street.

              Oh, that's a deceptive ploy, isn't it?

              I ought to knock you in the hip.

              My name is Anthony Caltran.

              Why don't you shut your mouth, you filthy piece of trash?

              Go to back to prison where every pervert can pass you around for cigarettes.

              I don't understand. What's happening?

              Would you like to tell the fine people of San Diego what you've been up to?

              Lies, corruption, deceit?

              - Thuggery, buffoonery. - Me?

              I don't like the way you're looking at me.

              You should avert your gaze, because you are a low-life scum

              who doesn't pay taxes and, as far as I'm concerned, is a Communist.

              - No, not I. - What would you say

              if I boxed you in the ears for San Diego?

              This-- this ring right here that says RB.

              I'd knock and break both of those-- the pair of spectacles you have on.

              I got problems already with my ears. I don't need anymore.

              I'll give you more problems. I'll give you problems in your kidneys.

              I'm gonna batter your kidneys. Champ, hold on to the microphone here.

              - I'm going to town. - Champ: Hey, Ron?

              - This is gonna be good. - Champ: Ron, he's right.

              The mailbox, it says Caltran. We got the wrong house.

              My apologies. Sorry, you have a great day. Wrong house.

              We make mistakes, that's okay. That's what happens in the news biz.

              All right, let's try over here. Stay focused, guys.

              Stay focused, pick up the pace!

              On behalf of Channel   News and the ''Rip the Lid Off of It'' gang,

              I'd just like to say thank you

              for letting us interview you on such short notice.

              I don't know why you guys wanna talk to me,

              - I just sell tropical fish. - Duly noted.

              As a real journalist, I have to start with one question...

              Are you the leader of a radical group known as The Alarm Clock?

              - No. - Sorry to have bothered you.

              All right, let's get that cable up and shove out of here.

              I think we should...

              Oh, yes.

              Then how do you respond to these security photos of you

              outside the bank five minutes before it was robbed

              by four members of the group?

              You're touching his face, Brick. Look alive.

              Well, that happens to be my bank.

              Just because I go there doesn't make me a dangerous radical.

              By that logic, you could arrest anybody who's ever been to a bank.

              Paul: You know, like I just-- like I said,

              I just-- I work in a pet store, you know?

              Pet Shack, you know?

              - I sell tropical birds. - Right.

              I'm not even-- I'm not much for politics.

              Once again, I am sorry. Big hearty handshake there.

              All right, let's bring the van around the front,

              - and maybe get lunch at Lancer's. - ( clearing throat )

              I'll have a veal chop. Would you stop coughing, Brian?

              - Look at these. - Do you need a lozenge?

              Oh, right. How could I forget?

              Then how do you explain this clear voice match

              between you and the man in the security cam footage?

              A lot of guys talk like I do.

              - Maybe it's my brother. - Your brother?

              - Hadn't thought of that. - Paul: Or...

              Or maybe The Alarm Clock is going off!

              You're gonna pay for this, Ron Burgundy!

              Let the truth ring out!

              Follow him with the camera!

              Ron: Oh boy, he's fast.

              Boy, we really ripped the lid off of that!

              He took the van.

              Oh my God. He is a member of The Alarm Clock.

              Ron's voice: This is fun!

              All right, what do we do now?

              Since this report was filed,

              Paul Hauser has disappeared.

              Unfortunately, police were just days away from arresting him,

              but now must start from scratch.

              Well, that was quite a story, Ron.

              Well, I appreciate that, it sure was.

              I really kind of found myself

              as a reporter, as journalist.

              But, that's my job. I'm a journalist,

              I'm a very good journalist.

              I'm a damn fine journalist.

              And right now, I'm sensing some jealousy.

              But, that's part of the game.

              And sometimes some people are better, and other people aren't.

              So, coming up after the commercial break,

              Brick Tamland, he's gonna have a little weather report for you.

              We have a hot one in store over here in Fallbrook.

              It's     and you can expect on Tuesday--

              Not yet, Brick.

              - We'll be right back. - We'll be right back.

              Huh? That's how you do it...

              - by the way, P.S. - Unbelievable.

              Unbelievably good.

              Champ: That was great, that came off really well.

              Thank you, I couldn't have done it without you guys.

              Narrator: lmpeding a federal investigation,

              stealing another reporter's lead

              and not to mention losing an $      news van,

              Ron was fired that night by Ed Harken.

              And once again, he hit bottom... fast.

              Driver: You bastard, we trusted you.

              Narrator: In fact, Ron bottomed out as fast as just about anyone.

              He sometimes bottomed out when he couldn't find a parking place

              or if the sports section was missing from the paper.

              Anyway, I feel like I'm explaining this too much.

              Narrator: Sharon! Damn it, Sharon,

              I'm recording narration, turn that phone off.

              Sorry about that. So anyway, he hit bottom.

              ? You got me going in circles. ?

              Announcer: It's Channel   News at  :  .

              Good evening, San Diego. I'm lead anchor, Veronica Corningstone.

              This just in.

              The group The Alarm Clock, using the Channel   News van,

              - ran an armored car off the road today - Ron: Damn it, Harken!

              and stole nearly $     .

              - Oh, for crying out loud! - The group has been using the van

              ever since they stole it from former anchor, Ron Burgundy.

              I hope you're happy.

              I'm trying to just enjoy my ribs.

              From all of us here at Channel   News,

              I'm Veronica Corningstone

              and you stay classy, San Di-- ( clears throat )

              Thanks for stopping by, San Diego.

              Man: All clear.

              Charlie, I needed that research last week.

              Well, get it to me as soon as possible. Thank you.

              - Miss Corningstone? - Yes?

              I tried calling the mayor's office, but they won't call me back.

              Well, try again. Tell them that it's me

              and that he owes me something. He knows that.

              Why do you have to keep typing this in Chinese, Lloyd?

              Helen, would you put Ron on the phone?

              You know what? Forget it.

              It's all right, no. I'll call him later.

              The Vs aren't working on my typewriter.

              It's ''eronica Corningstone.'' That's horrible, they can't say that.

              My name's not Eronica.

              What did I do wrong?

              Ron's voice: ? I'm not home right now ?

              ? I am not home ?

              ? I am out, so leave a message ?

              ? When the machine goes beep. ?

              Ron, this is your mentor, Jess Moondragon.

              I thought maybe you'd like to talk.

              Jess...

              help me.

              Ron: You've done well for yourself, Jess.

              Yeah, I dreaded retirement forever,

              until I found this piece of land.

              - It's God's country. - Magnificent.

              Mother Nature sure got up on the right side of bed today, huh?

              She's a giving lady, Mother Nature, she is.

              She didn't even bother to put on makeup.

              You know, I'd deeply like to take her and...

              - make love to her. - Mmm.

              She's an elusive goddess, Mother Nature.

              Yeah.

              Still, to...

              feel her succulent breasts pressed against me...

              - Mmm. - and my breath,

              whispering hot in her ear...

              ''Yeah, baby...''

              while I fumble with my belt.

              You get my drift, friend?

              Yeah, yeah I do.

              I do, but therein lies the rub,

              for she turns away all suitors.

              I'd like to take Mother Nature to a sleazy motel,

              get in the shower and...

              wash each other all over,

              then go in the bedroom and do things you can only do in Bangkok.

              All right, I'm gonna have to stop you there.

              You're making me very uncomfortable.

              Sorry, Ron Burgundy, I--

              Mother Nature does that to me.

              So I guess you heard what happened to me.

              I did indeed, old friend.

              Everyone hates me, Jess.

              I can't work anywhere.

              My dream of going network is all but dead.

              Now you listen to me,

              the world always needs a good anchor,

              and Ron Burgundy is a damn fine one,

              so you just hang in there.

              That's your advice? ''Hang in there''?

              Look, I don't know why

              you ever looked up to me so much in the first place.

              I'm not all that great a guy.

              Well then, I guess I'll be going.

              You know, it's funny.

              I always wanted to do a broadcast from the observatory.

              I bet you could reach a million homes from up there.

              Now I'd be happy to reach just one.

              Why don't you take a naked nature walk with me?

              - It'd cheer you up. - Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

              I tell you, you get out there and everything's just hanging free...

              - Kind of weird. - The deer come up, sniff you...

              - Not my style. - It's neat. Bend over to pick a flower

              - and that cold nose-- - Okay. Now I'm getting uncomfortable.

              I got extra sandals.

              - I bet you do. - No, really, I mean, come on--

              - Nope. Nope. - You'd like it. It'd make me happy.

              - Nope. - Make an old man happy.

              - Not gonna do it. - Come on.

              Well, hello, Miss Anchor-liar.

              Guess what? Now you're gonna read the real news.

              I hope you don't mind, I ate some of your cottage cheese.

              Hey, what're you doing? Give me the whistle.

              Let's go. Come on, come on.

              - Move! - Move it.

              Chris, how many times have we had this conversation?

              - About a million times. - I guess it'll be a million and one,

              so listen up. You cannot hang around people's houses at night

              - wearing a ski mask. - I'm not hanging out, I'm doing stuff.

              - Well, it makes them nervous. - Sorry, Dad. God.

              If you have to be back there, take a look,

              see what you gotta see and then leave like a gentleman.

              - Bitch. - And if they start to scream,

              - don't try to ''shut them up.'' - ls it cool if I smoke a joint?

              Now what do you think?

              Oh, sweet. Thanks, dude.

              Will you put that thing out?

              Shut up! You're not the boss of me anymore, I'm   !

              See the hair on my chest? It means I'm a man now.

              I'm sorry I didn't see it. You think you're tough?

              Take a swing. I'll hit you so hard

              you'll be wearing a catheter as a charm bracelet.

              I'm right here! I'm gonna kill myself!

              Oh, promises, promises!

              - Ed! I'm sorry to interrupt. - It's all right. We were

              just having a little father and son chat.

              Veronica's MlA. The police found this note in her apartment.

              ''Dig it, at long last, Miss News Witch

              will read the truth.'' Signed The Alarm Clock.

              See, Dad? I told you I wasn't part of that group.

              Okay, it looks like I owe your mother $  .

              Always accusing me.

              Hey, don't ''boge'' on my jay! What's up?

              Oh... never mind!

              I'll hold that as evidence. You take this down to fingerprinting.

              We don't have fingerprinting, do we? Just file it.

              You'd do well to emulate that young man.

              He's pulled himself up by his bootstraps.

              ''Garth, take this down and put it in the files.''

              - ''Garth, do everything I say.'' - Oh, that's a nice mouth.

              I suppose you wanna be like your friend

              who's so proud of himself 'cause he's considered a model prisoner.

              Spider at least has a good heart.

              In local news...

              Dr. Jim Bavelick

              grew the world's largest tomato.

              Hey, fella,

              you need to take a bath. You're starting to stink.

              You don't talk to me like that, I'm an anchorman.

              You take care of that stink, or I'm gonna call the police.

              - You hear me, Ace? - Yeah, I hear you, Ace!

              I'll crush your balls in these two cups here.

              - What did you say? - I said I'll crush--

              This is Wes Mantooth reporting live from the residence

              of rival anchorperson Veronica Corningstone,

              where last night she was apparently kidnapped by The Alarm Clock.

              Veronica.

              Police believe that the group is trying to get Miss Corningstone

              to anchor a pirate broadcast from an unknown location

              of their sick, twisted message.

              And while it is not my job to speculate,

              odds are...

              she's probably already dead.

              Bartender: I wonder where those hippies took her.

              It must be somewhere with a big enough broadcast radius--

              Eli Whitney's nose!

              I know where they are! The San Diego Observatory.

              - It's the highest point in the area. - You need to call the cops,

              - there's a phone right by the door. - No.

              If they go up there with their sirens blaring,

              those crazies could panic.

              I did this. Now I have to make it right.

              Good evening, I'm Ron Burgundy.

              Son of a man nipple.

              Mother-flippin' Ron Burgundy is back.

              If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna need my news team at my side.

              Ron: News team...

              assemble!

              I'm sorry we turned our backs on you, Ron.

              Champ: I'm sorry, Ron. That was horrible.

              Hey, all is forgiven, all right?

              I'm just glad we're back together as a team.

              - We love you, Ron. - Thanks, man.

              I love you, Ron.

              I said I love you, Ron.

              Why is everyone ignoring me?

              I love you, Ron.

              And I think we should adopt a child together in Vermont.

              Answer me!

              So...

              the car's running great.

              - Oh, yeah, yeah. - Take it in for a tune-up?

              - Yeah. Changed the oil and... - Good.

              Answer me! Ron!

              Ron...

              I know you heard me.

              I love you.

              And I wanna be with you...

              like men. I wanna be inside you.

              I want you inside me.

              - Brian: Anybody up for the radio? - I would love to hear the radio.

              No radio! I have something to say to Ron!

              You know I've had feelings for you for a long time.

              We'd be good together, Ron, I-- I--

              I'm a good cook.

              Do you like your feet rubbed? I bet you do.

              I'll rub 'em, and maybe we could...

              get married in a ceremony presided over by Roger Staubach.

              I already called him last week, I hope that's okay.

              Mexican food on me?

              - Brian: Thanks. Sounds okay. - Brick: Yeah, burrito.

              Say it!

              Say, ''Champ Burgundy.'' Say it!

              Tostada.

              - Tostadas would be great. - Brian: Oh, man.

              I am in love with Ron Burgundy!

              I'm always thinking about you, Ron.

              I have dream journals about you.

              Filled pages.

              When I make love to women, I close my eyes

              and think of you when I finish.

              ? Ron Burgundy... ?

              ? ls in love with me ?

              ? Ron Burgundy ?

              ? And Champion Kind ?

              ? Oh, let's be so beautiful together ?

              ? Running in the grass ?

              ? In the summer and the fall ?

              ? And wintertime, too. ?

              - How much longer do you think, Brian? - It's gotta be another five minutes.

              - The problem is the altitude. - Right.

              Champ: Ron? I know you can hear me.

              I wanna...

              I wanna kiss you on the mouth.

              I wanna...

              Ron...

              Ron.

              Ron...

              - It's good to get my parking spot back. - Brian: Yeah.

              I love you!

              Don't ignore me!

              I am in love with Ron Burgundy!

              Paul: Hey, girl.

              Man, the transmitter's all set up.

              From this altitude, we can overlap into every channel,

              every station, every frequency.

              Dig it. It's time to light this bad boy up.

              I'm gonna tell you.

              Hello, gentlemen.

              Everything is ready for you.

              Thank you, Jess Moondragon.

              Boy, you should really put some pants on.

              It's all right. Now remember,

              the observatory is directly over that mountain pass.

              - Right. - That's some rough country,

              - How're we gonna get up there? - As I said...

              everything is ready for you.

              God be with you, Channel   News Team!

              God be with you!

              This is serious, this is not a--

              No, don't do that to him.

              Ron: Let's go, fellas. Give    /.

              Come on! We've almost got it!

              Ron: Stay close, gang.

              This is treacherous country.

              My ankle.

              Gentlemen...

              bad news. I believe we're lost.

              Ron, what're we gonna do? We don't have any food or water.

              Take it easy! Just everyone relax!

              If we panic, we die! Okay? Easy!

              Now...

              Okay, let's check the wind direction.

              And f-- No, no, shut up!

              Everyone shut up! We've got...

              some very tough decisions to make in the next couple of hours...

              or maybe even months.

              Or even years, I don't know.

              Just spit it out, RB. You're talking about cannibalism.

              Am I? ls that what I'm talking about?

              I guess I am. I'm talking about cannibalism.

              Developed by the Japanese in the     s,

              and now we're going to use it

              in present day time.

              The eating of flesh for the sustention of life.

              What do you think of that?

              It's about to happen!

              Champ: It'll have to be the weakest one.

              Sweet Lord, I don't know if I can eat a friend.

              I once ate an entire bowl of Legos.

              I don't care, Brick!

              I just don't care!

              How's that twisted ankle of yours doing, Brian?

              It's fine. I barely even feel it anymore.

              Please, Brian, please.

              - Don't struggle. - What are you guys doing?

              Come on. It's for the good of the group.

              Just lay down so we can eat you.

              - Oh no. - Ron: Don't make this any harder

              - than it has to be. - Stay away from me, you bastards!

              Let me do it, Ron. Don't need you being implicated in this murder.

              ? Hush little baby, Daddy's coming to eat you ?

              ? Mamma's gonna buy you... a back of your calf. ?

              Wait, don't eat me, don't eat me. Eat Brick, he won't care.

              No, that's fine.

              - You're a lot leaner. - Brian: Stop it. Guys.

              Please relax.

              Think of something relaxing, like a stream

              - or a meadow. - Stay away from me!

              - Stay away from me! - Okay, yeah.

              - Back, back, back! - Let me do it.

              I've wanted to do this for a long time.

              Dreamt of it. Dreams of Fantana!

              - Stay away! - I'm gonna eat your face

              off your bones, Fantana!

              Let me do it, Ron!

              You say it, and I'll kill this man!

              - Do it, Champ. Drop the rock. - No, guys, come on!

              Drop the rock. Drop the rock.

               - It was an accident, that's all. - Pretend I'm a wolverine.

                - We had to eat him! We had to! - Don't struggle. It's for the group.

                Brian: I've never even slept with a lady!

                Hey, you guys. Look at the big white bubbly building!

                Ron: Good work, Brick. All right, team. Let's move out.

                Ron: Keep a tight perimeter.

                Nice job.

                All right, gang,

                it's real simple.

                Just like when we were back together in 'Nam in '  .

                I'll take the point...

                Stand down, Corporal Burgundy.

                I'm running this show now.

                - Affirmative, a-ffir-ma-tive? - Affirmative.

                I'll take point. Champ, right flank.

                Gator Dirty Teacup. We will fan out,

                to a cobra double-helix formation.

                If we encounter any hostiles,

                silent throat cuts only.

                On my... mark.

                Looks like the captain's back.

                Any word yet from the police?

                Nothing. No sign of her.

                No one's heard from the rest of the news team either.

                Well, I hope they find them soon.

                These weekend anchors we have to fill in are...

                just not cutting it.

                - One of our own is missing. - Ready two.

                Miss Corningstone of this station, this very station,

                is missing. We are looking for...

                any information we have on the lady.

                And you can call-- you can call this number.

                - Where's the friggin' number? - Man: Ready two.

                I do have a message for one of our viewers.

                Mommy, if you're watching, don't be scared.

                I didn't know I was coming to work today, they called last minute.

                I left spaghetti on the stove, and I swear to God,

                I will cut your hair tomorrow.

                I want them off the air now!

                Why don't you think about losing the beard?

                Her name-- I can't-- lan!

                I can't find the number!

                You see, Mamma? You see, I told you I was for real.

                When that anchor witch reads our manifesto,

                this city's gonna go crazy with the truth.

                - Have you finished the manifesto? - Yeah, it's almost done.

                I gotta get a new typewriter ribbon. It's all up here.

                Ron! Ron, be careful.

                Blink and you're dead, 'cause we're in Rome now.

                Well, if it isn't Whitey McWhitington.

                Oh Ron, I can't believe you came for me.

                I've been thinking about you every second.

                Part of the time wanting to kill you, because of my hatred.

                Another time, wanting to make love to you

                in a   -hour endless cycle.

                Ron, there's something that you should know.

                Shh, shh. You needn't say a word.

                But Ron, I wasn't myself.

                I was angry, I was consumed with ambition and I'm sorry.

                I'm sorry, my little chinchilla.

                If it wasn't for my stupid pride,

                we wouldn't be here right now.

                Okay, here's what's gonna happen, Miss Corningstone.

                In    minutes, we're going live.

                At that point, you will read our statement.

                The hell I will.

                Then we kill you.

                Go ahead. I am an anchor

                and I would rather die than lose my credibility.

                I'll do it.

                I've just been informed by law enforcement

                that this is the largest search-and-rescue operation

                ever to be conducted in the San Diego metropolitan area.

                ls this worth our tax dollars?

                Maybe it is. You decide that.

                One thing here today is for sure, though,

                this is a frightening and confusing story.

                But I'm here for you, San Diego.

                Go on, pull up a chair. Put your hand on the TV set.

                We'll get through this thing together.

                I am Wes Mantooth,

                journalist, friend...

                human being.

                Brad: Listen up, everybody. We're going live on the air in two minutes.

                Ron: I'm ready to go here.

                But I have to be honest with you--

                this copy you've handed me, it's not your best work.

                It's awful. But I can't possibly read this on the air.

                Besides, it needs to be typed and preferably double-spaced.

                Courier, Helvetica, Monaco, I don't know.

                Okay, all right, enough. I'm-- I'm almost finished.

                I'm almost done. I've just got to...

                - do this one part here. - Man! What the hell, Paul?

                You been writing that manifesto for three months, man.

                - Read it before I kick your ass. - Yeah, you jive turkey, read it.

                You wanna hear the manifesto? Okay, fine, here it is!

                Here is how The Alarm Clock will change the world forever!

                All right, you know how when we...

                drink beer or soda,

                and then we throw out the bottles and cans?

                Well, how about we start saving

                those bottles and cans?

                Reuse them.

                You are a lunatic.

                Yeah, you'd need a whole 'nother garbage can for the bottles.

                - People would never do that. - Well, wait, what about--

                you didn't let me get to the part about electric cars

                so we don't have to be dependent on foreign oil!

                Electric cars?

                Man, are you high right now?

                You are, aren't you? I know you took some of my weed!

                - Oh, oh, oh! - Some of my weed is missing

                out of my purse. It was you!

                I would just shoot him right now.

                We gotta-- we gotta let the people know

                that meat is good for you,

                and potatoes make you fat!

                Oh, man.

                You know what? I cannot believe I did you in the hammock.

                I gave you all my Juicy Fruit, and then you treat me like this.

                - I have had it! - We can't read this crap on the air.

                We should all have computers

                in our houses, every one of us, so that we could talk to each other

                - with the computers. - Mm-hmm. That's gonna happen.

                Huh-uh, now you're talkin' crazy.

                Man, did you eat lunch today?

                Man, you'll make us look like we some kind of joke.

                Man, this guy's a fake. Hey you, anchorman.

                Get on the TV and make us sound good.

                Matter of fact, get on there and do some of that Newspeak

                so we can have the people hear about truth and freedom.

                They'll believe you. Get on there, man.

                It's just not that simple. I need a Teleprompter

                and I need proper copy.

                - Then the pretty lady dies. - Ron.

                Man, look, make us sound good or the lady dies.

                We're on live in    nine,

                - eight, seven, six... - I need a Teleprompter, I can't!

                - Ron... - five, four,

                three, two, and we're live.

                three, two, and we're live.

                What's happening, Daddy?

                What happened to the TV?

                Ed: What in the Sam Hill-- what's going on?

                It's on all three channels, there's not a thing I can do.

                They're breaking our signal.

                What the hell's wrong with him?

                Good lord! He's got no Teleprompter.

                Tino: He... has no words.

                W-wash-- washcloth.

                Damn it.

                My name is Ron...

                Ron: I can't think of a word.

                Think of any word, just say it.

                Camel...

                Process the informa-- It's just a blank slate.

                When I close my eyes, it's a blank slate.

                Man, this guy's a fool, man! Smoke that chick!

                Happy birthday to me.

                Ron, say something.

                My name is Kyle-- My name is Big Mark.

                It's too loud. It's too loud.

                My name is Big...

                Too loud. I'm Ron Channely...

                I'm Mark A-As-Aspen.

                Aspen, Colorado. Mark. Florida, pancake.

                Astronauts are on the moon. There's astronauts everywhere.

                Watch out for the astronauts.

                Ron.

                There's no Teleprompter, I can't do it.

                Ron, it's jazz. It's jazz, baby.

                Let it flow. Let it flow.

                I can feel it. I can feel it.

                Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,

                reporting from life. I'd first like to apologize

                for my past and hateful transgressions.

                I am sorry, dear San Diego.

                First of all, I'd like you to know that I'm safe.

                However, I'm under the careful scrutiny

                of a group of young upstarts who call themselves The Alarm Clock.

                And I have to say, although their methods may be questionable,

                they are on the road

                to righteous truth.

                That's it, that's it. Use them anchorman tricks.

                Have all them people follow us.

                A road that if you follow it with your heart,

                it will lead you, oddly enough, by the old Mobil station

                - near the old pickle stand... - Wait a minute.

                He's giving directions to where they are.

                - Take this down. - Ron: ...to Old Gearson Road.

                A group that outshines

                - many of the radicals... - Brad: Good, you're good.

                we come across today. In fact, they are bright,

                pearly, shining stars, that needn't be observed

                by, say, a telescope in an observatory.

                - Hey, he's narcing on us! - He's telling the cops where we are!

                News team! Commence Delta, Charlie, Charlie!

                Yo, yo, yo! We've been burned!

                What in the name of Solomon?

                What the shit?

                Ooh, I'm gonna kill these punks.

                - News team! - Let's rock.

                - Good work, team. - Garbanzo!

                It's just a new catch phrase I was trying out instead of whammy.

                No, I'd stick with whammy, Champ.

                Whammy works.

                I like whammy better. Stick with whammy.

                I'm not a fake!

                Let the revolution begin!

                Veronica!

                Ron!

                Ah! Spiderman's balls, that hurt!

                Oh, Mr. Burgundy, you took a bullet for me.

                And I would not do that again.

                Let's be clear on that. I care for you deeply, but...

                that-- it hurts!

                Oh, it hurts like a bitchy-bitch.

                Mr. Burgundy, there are literally thousands of men

                that I should be with instead, but...

                I love you.

                - Baby, cuff me. Cuff me back up. - Yes.

                - You're gonna get cuffed. - Cuff me back up, yes!

                - Oh, yeah. Oh. - Yeah. Oh, now we're doing this.

                Oh, yeah.

                Ron: You're cutting off the circulation to my hindquarters.

                - It's hypnotic... - Ron: Release the pressure.

                - ...yet disgusting. - Ron: I'm gonna pass out.

                - That feels good, baby. - That feels good.

                Ron: Ah, that's nice, mmm.

                Now it's gonna get good. Now it's gonna get good.

                Veronica: Get it off, get it off.

                Ron: Get that off, get that off.

                - Punch me in the arm. Ooh, again! - Did it hurt, baby?

                - Yes. - Did it hurt?

                Ron: Wake up the black lady.

                Veronica: Cuff me, cuff me, cuff me.

                Oh, yes, yes, yes!

                - Slap it, slap me, slap me. - Ron: What do I slap?

                Slap my ass, Daddy!

                Yes! Yes! Yes!

                - I'm gonna punch it now. - Oh mommy likes those tomatoes!

                - Ron: I wanna bite it! - I like those tomatoes!

                - I'm hungry. - Yeah.

                We don't need to see this anymore. Let's go to Charlie Lancer's

                - and get you a candle. - Candle!

                - A nice red one. - ( both laugh )

                Narrator: As for the news team,

                Brian Fantana is still a successful reality TV host.

                And recently he married Paula Abdul.

                The ceremony took place at Shutters and Lorenzo Lamas was the best man.

                Champ Kind has fallen on hard times

                since being fired as an NFL commentator.

                He now sells those big crayon balloons in the parking lot of the lce Capades.

                And will say ''Whammy!'' at birthday parties for $  

                and a   -pack of Stroh's.

                After serving as Bush's top political advisor for three years,

                Brick went in to the private sector,

                where he is now the CEO of Halliburton.

                Mr. Burgundy, Chad Reynolds, I'm with the network.

                We're doing a when-the-newsman- becomes-the-news angle.

                How would you like to report your own story?

                Network, huh?

                I'm Ron Burgundy. If you're looking for the best coverage of this story,

                you need the best journalist.

                And that would be this little lady right behind me.

                - Oh no, Ron, I can't. - Yes, you can.

                You're the best I've ever seen,

                - and that's a fact. - Oh, Ron.

                Can you feel it?

                This is a very, very special and emotional moment.

                I've learned to accept you for who you are

                and I'm a much better man because of it.

                - Ron. - It's so special.

                - And it's happening right now. - Honey, you're wrecking it.

                Right.

                Have at it, my little wild flower.

                I'm Veronica Corningstone reporting for Channel   News.

                Today could have been a very dark day

                if not for the quick thinking of one brave man:

                - Veronica: Ron Burgundy. - Ron Burgundy, I hate you.

                But damn it, I respect you.

                Narrator: Wes Mantooth is still in San Diego and still number two.

                And he still hates Ron Burgundy

                with an unnatural burning intensity.

                The Alarm Clock was jailed for five years

                but, upon being released,

                started a little company called Macintosh.

                They are now worth six billion dollars

                and own the San Jose Sharks hockey team.

                All photos and tapes of Ron Burgundy

                have long since been thrown away or erased.

                He's but a memory now for a select few.

                But talk to one of those old timers

                and they'll lean in and say one thing--

                Ron Burgundy was the truth.







  

 
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