Voila! Finally, the War Of The Roses
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring
Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of War Of The Roses. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Do you have some valid reasons
for wanting a divorce?
My sinuses are very sensitive to irritants.
ln the past five months,
l think l've breathed freely,
with both sides working, maybe a week total.
l gotta cut this out. lt's gonna kill me.
l hadn't smoked for years.
l kept the last cigarette from my last pack.
l said if l never smoke this one cigarette
l'll never smoke again, period.
years l kept that cigarette.
l had this little case made for it.
And then, one Thursday afternoon,
Barbara came to see me.
And when she left...
You know where l am
if you change your mind.
Barbara and Oliver Rose.
You'd have heard of 'em, except l kept
what happened out ofthe papers.
l think you should hear the story, though.
lt might matter to you.
l won't start the clock yet.
My fee is $ an hour.
When a man who makes $ an hour
wants to tell you something for free,
you should listen.
They met... Great.
They agreed on that.
But, the way l saw it,
the poor bastards never had a chance.
lt was the final day of
the season in Nantucket.
A nor'easter was blowing the last
of the tourists offthe island.
The next item up for bid is an exquisite
Japanese carving, circa .
A rare relief of a Shinto goddess,
very richly detailed.
- The intricacies ofthe Orient...
- $ !
l have $ from the premature young man
in the grey raincoat.
- Do l hear ?
$ . Ladies and gentlemen,
please, do l hear ?
- $ . l have $ ladies and gentlemen.
Do l hear for this
exceptionally exotic item?
- $ .
$ . All right, l have $ ladies and
gentlemen. ls this my final offer?
Ladies and gentlemen, going once...
- $ .
- $ ! . Do l hear ?
- . Five- .
- $ . l have $ . Do l hear ?
$ going once. Going twice.
Sold... to the pretty lady in the white sweater.
- Do you know how much it's worth?
- Doesn't matter. l'm not selling.
Well, l guess l have a good eye.
l gotta catch the last ferry.
Wait a minute. Let me carry that for you.
Here. Put this on.
- l love the rain.
- God, l love it, too.
l know what you're thinking. Harvard Law,
woo, woo, woo! But l got a scholarship.
l'm not rich or anything. l'm brilliant.
- What about you?
- l'm not rich or brilliant.
- Where are you going to school?
- Madison. l got a scholarship. Gymnastics.
l don't know, though.
My body's getting kinda big.
lt looks, uh...
Like a pendulum -
the longer it is, the slower you move.
My vaults and tumbling aren't what
they were. My strength moves are good.
Your strength moves?
l love Nantucket.
Oh! l'm gonna miss the ferry.
- Thanks for walking me. Bye.
- Wait! What's your name?
Wait a second! l've got a great idea!
l'm sorry! l'm sorry!
Never, never, never apologise
for being multiorgasmic.
l honestly didn't know l was.
Oh, bless you!
lf we end up together,
then this is the most romantic day
of my whole life.
And ifwe don't,
then l'm a complete slut.
This is the story
we're gonna tell our grandchildren.
lt's the return ofthe bald avenger.
OK, that's the sixth time.
Now turn it off, honey.
Merry Christmas, Bird.
- Honey, give me those papers.
- Say please.
- Where are they?
- l don't got.
- Nice try.
Hello! Mom's home!
Get over here, you squeezy! Squozy!
Ohh, up we go!
Come on, you.
Yeah, now you go in that chair. Got it?
Well, you're gonna go in this one, lady.
- l got you...
- ls that for me?
- There's green for you.
- Oh, thanks.
And it's red for you.
- lt's not a good idea to give them sweets.
- Oh, no. lt is.
l read that kids who are deprived
of sweets and candies all the time,
they get obsessed by it
and they turn out to be obese.
Kids who get it all the time,
it's no big deal - they turn out normal.
Being a waitress on Christmas Eve's
- What do you think, guys?
- Ah! Nice!
l have to put it on the tree! Josh, look!
What do you think?
- Looks like tin foil.
- No, you're right. lt doesn't make it.
- Let's go for a walk.
- l gotta finish this.
- Just a quick stroll. Come on.
- lt's freezing outside. lt's snowing.
Yes. And l'm still asking you to take a walk.
- Where are we going?
- Just to the corner.
Barbara, l have work to do.
l can't be walking around here in the snow.
OK, we're at the corner.
So what do you wanna do now? Walk back?
- No, l wanna go for a ride in your car.
- l don't have a car.
- You got me a Morgan?
l don't believe it! A Morgan! A Morgan!
- The cook's brother brought it from England.
- lt's got a little rust. l'll restore it.
- How much you pay?
- lt's a present. l used my money.
Your money is our money.
Can we afford this?
You are gonna be so successful, this may be
our last opportunity to worry about money.
Come on! Here. Get in.
lt's a right-hand drive.
- Well, are you happy?
- l'm more than happy. l'm way past happy.
Sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it?
And it was.
My father used to say: ''There are four things
that tell the world who a man is.''
''His house, his car, his wife, and his shoes.''
Oliver didn't have the house yet,
but he was definitely moving up in the world.
He'd only been with the firm six months
when he decided to have the senior partners
over to his new apartment for dinner.
He had his eye on the future.
So did l.
Ah, what a night!
Elke, Elke. Wait a minute.
We're eating with elderly people now.
Keep that closed.
- Where you been? Come on!
- Oliver, this is Elke.
- Elke, this is Oliver.
Come on. Come on.
Here is to Oliver and Gavin
for ajob well done
on Kentuckyversus Brunswick Coal.
- Hell of a litigation.
- Thank you.
l couldn't have done it without you, Oliver.
This man has a face
juries can't help but believe.
Gavin told the state attorney general
that if he didn't settle,
next election he'd be running as a gelding.
Well, let's drink up.
Good night, Mom.
Good night, sweethearts.
Can l take some more dessert to our room?
OK! Time for bed. Let's go.
- Guess not.
- Kiss... Kiss.
- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night.
- Good night, buddy.
- Good night, Dad.
l used to be chubby as a kid. Yeah.
Whatever flavour is this?
No, don't tell me. Let me think now. Uh...
- lt isn't apples.
- You make something with apples.
- No. Unless you mean baked apples?
No. Wait a minute.
This is a very special taste...
- lt isn't pears.
Um... fresh fig with, uh... a little cognac.
- Figs! l never would have thought offigs!
- l never would have guessed.
lt's fantastic, isn't it, Elke?
lt's absolutely spectacular.
- Mrs Marshall, more wine?
- Your crystal is lovely.
- Thank you.
- lt's not Waterford.
Then we are paying our associates too much!
Actually, we got it quite reasonably.
lt's... lt's kind of an interesting story.
Why don't you tell it, Barb?
Well... we were in Paris...
lt was our fifth anniversary.
We'd had lunch in this wonderful place in
the market district, called the Pa-day Crishon.
- Pied de Cochon.
We were wandering around
and we came upon the...
Rue de Paradis,
where the Baccarat
has its factory and museum.
l didn't know about this before l met Oliver.
My mother bought her glasses at the A&P.
You know, the kind with the raised flowers
that always chipped off after a few weeks.
They were always yellow, remember?
Anyway, here we were in this immense room
filled with all that Baccarat had ever made.
A field of crystal. lt was so... so pretty.
l mean, l felt...
whatever the word.
And suddenly, from the next room,
we heard the sound of glass breaking.
Well, l looked at Oliver and Oliver
looked at me, and then... Oh... No.
there was this big, black limousine.
Now, this is important.
Well, before the limousine...
To make a long story short, a couple
had ordered a design for their anniversary.
When it was ready,
they were getting a divorce.
The woman had smashed her half,
and l convinced the man to sell us
his half cheap -just to spite her.
And, uh... that's our Baccarat story.
Well, l think everybody
had a great time, don't you?
- To make a long story short, no.
- l'm sorry. You were just rambling on...
Tell your own story next time you care
so desperately what everybody thinks.
- They're my bosses.
- They're Gavin's bosses, too.
lt didn't stop him from getting
a footjob at dinner.
Gavin doesn't care about making partner.
He doesn't have a wife and kids. l do.
You wanna keep living in this apartment?
Because you do not buy a house
on an associate's salary.
At least, not the kind of house that we want.
OK, l care what they think.
l care, all right? l care.
And that phoney laugh.
That was a genuine laugh.
All right, all right! Maybe l overdid it.
l was just trying to keep things going.
God, l hope they didn't notice
what ajerk l am.
They never seem to.
l love your house!''
''lf you ever consider selling,
please... contact me.''
Mom! l'm gonna be late for practice!
You've been doing this for a year
and nobody's called.
This is a great house. l love this house.
lt's a waste oftime.
l bet l get this house. Five bucks.
- Oh! l was just leaving a note.
How kind. Please, won't you come in?
l don't believe we've met.
- Barbara Rose.
- l'm Maureen.
l don't remember Mother mentioning you,
but she had so many friends.
Oh! Oh, l'm very sorry.
Thank you. She went peacefully.
What am l going to do with this old place?
l just can't bear to put it up for sale and have
a bunch of strangers tromping through it.
lf l could just find someone
who would love it as much as Mom did.
That's more important to me
than whatever money we get for it.
lf you know anybody
who might be interested...
- Can we go up and pick our rooms?
- We can do whatever we want. lt's our house.
Who gets first pick? As if l had to ask.
Don't get scared. We'll do it together.
l just feel kind of strange.
l mean, this house is so beautiful
and we live here.
This is who we are? This is me?
- l'll be home early.
- Where are you going?
To work. l wish l didn't have to,
but somebody's got to pay for all this.
- lt's Saturday.
- Come on, this is a great day.
You got the fun part!
Everything was working for the Roses.
Let me restate that.
The Roses were working for everything.
Over the next six years, Oliver dug in.
Made senior partner.
The kids lopped off pounds.
And Barbara laboured seven days a week
to create the perfect home
that Oliver always dreamed of.
Not easy for a girl who grew up
drinking her milk
from glasses with chipped, yellow flowers.
There were a million choices...
and she sweated every one of 'em.
She refiinishedall the tables herself.
lt took sixmonths
to get the floors exactly right.
A hundred Sundays to fiind the perfect
Staffordshire fiigures andplates
that she put over the fiireplace.
When you work thathard on something,
eventually you have to fiinish
and face the awful question:
''What's left to do?''
- Are you working?
- Yes. ls it important?
Yes. Kind of. l hope so.
Stephanie Mayes called to say
thank you for dinner the other night.
She said the pâté l made was so good
l should go into business.
So l asked her if she really meant it
and she said she did,
so l took a pound over to her
and collected $ .
l'd almost forgotten
what it felt like to make money.
- You sold liver to our friends?
- She paid me in cash, Oliver.
Somehow that felt different from
the money l get cashing a cheque.
lt made me feel like...
trading in the Volvo on one ofthose...
four-wheel drive things with the big,
knobby tyres and the -horsepower engine.
So l did. l'm gonna pick it up tomorrow.
Thank you so much for telling me.
And you think that you... need this?
l mean, the Volvo was a fine car.
- l'll pay for it with my own money.
- How much does it cost?
All right, l know it was kind of crazy
but l just... wanted it, OK?
So you only have to sell
more pounds of pâté.
Maybe l will. Maybe l'm starting a business.
- But ifyou don't want me to, uh...
- No. No, no, no, no. You do it.
Do it. Do it.
l'm doing it.
Wait a minute. Wait one minute.
l do not understand. What's the, uh...
what's the attitude?
l told you l would handle it.
Yeah, and l didn't see anything happening
so l went to Ed and l set up the interview.
- l would have done it.
- Yeah, but sometimes you need a little push.
We all need a little push.
We agreed that,
if you're doing this liver bit,
we would need someone
to take care ofthe house, right?
Right, Oliver. Right again.
Oh, come on. Let's not argue, OK?
Just think about it for a minute!
lf you don't want to interview the lady,
l will send her home.
l'm only trying to make your life easier.
Somehow the thought of a stranger living
in my house just seems weird, you know?
Doesn't it? l don't mean just for us,
but for you, too.
- Oh, but then l guess you do this all the time.
- No, no.
l try this as a means offinding
room and board and a little money.
l'm also attending a few classes
at William and Mary College.
But that won't interfere with my duties.
That's great. l'm happy for you - really.
- So, do l get the job?
- The fact is, Susan, l don't need a live-in.
This was my husband's suggestion.
l have raised two kids on my own
and now they're about to go offto college.
- They were both accepted at Harvard.
- That's a nice school, too.
So, anyway, it'll just be
Oliver and me here at home.
Although l am getting going
my own catering business.
But let's face it,
l don't need to work for the money.
And that does not make me one ofthese
women who is married to a successful man
and has dedicated her life
to him and her children,
and then has to validate herself as a human
being, because her children are leaving her,
by studying photography
or opening an art gallery
or going into interior design
in her husband's office. No!
l have a wonderful house,
crammed with beautiful things.
l did this house myself. l did a greatjob.
Not that l am necessarily
a slave to materialism. No.
But l am proud ofwhat l have accomplished,
although l suppose some people find my life
disgusting. Disgusting is too strong a word.
No, l would not say that many people
would respectthe choices l have made,
although women would. Women like me.
But then l don't care what they think
because l can't stand who they are.
What l'm trying to say, Susan,
is that l don't need a live-in.
Well... thanks for the interview
and good luck, and God bless you.
l would like you to understand
that, if l were to hire you,
my life would probably change.
You would be this new element in the house.
Let me show you where your room is.
Hey, Bennie. Dumb dog.
Let's see if he'll go for it again.
Oh, the Bennie boy.
The Bennie-Bennie-Bennie boy. Yes.
He's the best boy. He's the best boy!
We love our good boy.
He's a good boy! We love our Bennie boy.
Yes, a pretty dog! He's a pretty dog!
- Susan, is that for me?
- lt's for Josh.
- Are you expecting a call?
- Jason Larrabee said he'd confirm lunch.
l'm trying to land him as a client.
The word around town is he's up
for a Cabinet post. l wish he'd call.
Did you get a chance
to look over that contract for me?
- What contract?
- On the consulate luncheon l'm doing.
- Oh, yeah. No, but l'll read it this weekend.
No. No, not OK.
l have to sign it tomorrow. l gave it
to you last week, but it's probably fine.
- l'll read it now.
- Oh, no, don't bother.
No. Get it.
What?! What is it?
lt's a fly. Where'd it go?
On the fridge.
Stay upwind of him.
How about that?
Not bad, huh?
l admire your technique.
Mr Larrabee, hi. How are you?
No! No, no, it's not too late.
Could you hang on just one second
while l use the other phone?
Yes, sir. l'm looking forward to that, too.
No, no, no. Course you're not bothering me.
Lawyers, we neversleep.
l'm available to you, sir, hours a...
Who left the appliances on in the kitchen?
lt sounds like who knows what!
l must have hit some switches when l was
cleaning up. You know how that can happen.
l got great news.
Lunch is on tomorrow with Larrabee.
l'm gonna meet him
at his club in Philadelphia.
Look how crazy you are
about yourself right now.
- l'm sorry.
- Don't apologise.
l live with the assumption that all guys
owe an apology to the woman they live with.
You're so full of shit.
So, where's that little contract ofyours?
Maybe l can up your price, huh?
Where is it?
- You sure it's all right?
- My fee's going up.
Better get me while you can afford me.
- l don't want you to read it.
- Let me have it.
l got you and l'm not gonna let you get away!
Let me go.
Let me go! Let go!
Let go of it! Let go!
You think you're pretty strong,
What the hell is wrong with you?
lf you're with a woman for any length oftime,
eventually you'll ask her that question.
lf she doesn't answer, that's trouble.
And when trouble begins, it comes at you
from directions you'd never expect.
Oliver was a sitting duck.
l think you're gonna be
very well served by our firm,
especially ifthe rumours are true.
Well, there may be a Senate
confirmation hearing in my future.
- We could definitely be of help with that.
- Yes. Waiter... Ohh!
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. l'm fine.
- Could l have some more coffee, please?
- Certainly, sir.
Regarding your Senate confirmation,
it may not be a bad idea for us
to have your personal asset liability...
Do you think you're having a heart attack?
- Call an ambulance!
- Wipe that stuff off his chin.
- Hang in there, Oliver.
- Call my wife.
You're doing just fine.
- Somebody called for the defibrillator.
- Right here.
How's it goin'?
You may be the only person
l'm doing better than.
The wife stabbed me in the stomach.
With a nail file this time.
She's training to be a manicurist.
- They make good money, you know?
- l'm trying to get a doctor for you, babe.
They always feel bad after.
Mr Rose? l'm Dr Gordon.
This is my associate.
- Dr Hillerman. Jason Larrabee called us.
- How are his vital signs?
- We were here first.
- We'll be with you in just a moment.
Babes, take it easy.
Can't you see the guy's dying over here?
- Did someone call my wife?
l need to write her a note...
in case she doesn't get here in time.
- Let's get him to ClCU.
- Jeff, let's go.
l'll get the pen back once we get there.
- ls my wife here?
- l don't think so.
Get me some pictures. Upper Gl.
You're gonna have to swallow some barium.
But you'll like it. lt's peppermint flavoured.
Nothing is more important
than the hors d'oeuvres.
That's where people
make their firstjudgment.
Perdóname, senora. La senora Rose
ha recibido una llamada urgente.
There's an urgent phone call for you.
Oh, my God! All right. l'm leaving right now.
- My husband's had a heart attack.
- That happened to my mother.
Don't worry. Your luncheon's gonna
be terrific. Everything's gonna be great.
The x-rays showed an oesophageal tear.
lt's commonly known as a hiatal hernia.
The pain symptoms are identical to angina.
Stress, coffee, spicy foods, gas.
Your nerve endings get irritated. You know
what that's like. Not pleasant, but not fatal.
Could you get this hiatal hernia, say,
by being squeezed
between someone's legs?
- So l'm not going to die?
- Eventually, but not today.
- You can wait right here.
- Thank you.
Oliver! You're alive!
Yeah, it was something else.
lt wasn't the heart, it was a rip. A tear.
- So what are you gonna do?
- Wait for Barbara to pick me up.
- l'll wait with you.
Think we can get that nurse to come
back here with a bottle of musk oil?
- She should be here any minute.
lt's stuffy in these places.
- l got us enough booze for the whole trip.
l couldn't remember whether you wanted
a twist, so l got you some just in case.
Thank you, Gavin.
All those lives going on out there...
People we'll never meet...
experiencing things we'll never know.
We can't know.
ln your own life, by this point,
you think you know what's gonna be but...
- But you don't know.
- You don't know.
lt's always just when you think
you got it figured out
when, bingo, something comes along
and knocks you right on your ass.
Why do you think Barbara
didn't come to the hospital?
l don't know.
She probably had a good reason.
Hiya, Bennie. Come here, sweetheart.
Where is everybody, huh?
l guess you're the only one who
gives a damn about me in this family.
You don't know how happy l am to see you!
- You didn't come to the hospital.
No. Well, l called and...
well, everything seemed to be...
l just... l didn't want to disturb you.
Well, l wasn't doing much. Just dying.
Oliver! You weren't dying.
- You didn't even call.
- Of course l did. l talked to someone.
- Not to me.
- Well, l talked to a nurse and...
she said that you weren't dying.
Well, l thought l was dying!
l wrote you a note...
in case you didn't get there in time.
l can't read your handwriting.
l was on a gurney being rushed
to lntensive Care in excruciating pain.
''My love, by the time you
receive this, l may be gone.''
''My life was... fun...
..full... beyond my dreams.''
''All l have... and all l am, l owe to you.''
''You gave me courage
to surpass what l know l am,
the strength to...''
Oh, this is where l had a spasm.
l can't read it, but the next line says:
''l lie here, feeling my life ebb away.''
''l cling to your image.''
''l will take you with me to eternity.''
''l cherish you.''
''l thank merciful God for you.''
l didn't have the strength to sign it.
l'm... l'm sure they, um...
they would've told me who it was from.
l can't believe
you didn't call us at school, Mother.
l didn't see any point in alarming you until
there was something to be alarmed about.
Your mother didn't want
to disturb anybody today.
Yeah, well, you still should have called.
You should have.
l'm sure your mother didn't want
to worry you needlessly.
The important thing is your father is alive.
We've always been a family
lf anything important happens,
everyone should know about it.
That's the rule.
- What's going on?
- l'm very upset.
lt's o'clock in the morning.
Turn the television off.
l wasn't sure why l didn't go to the hospital,
but now l think l know.
l'd just like to put today behind us, OK?
l was gonna drive to the hospital,
but l knew you were OK.
Cos l never think that anything really terrible
could happen to me or the kids or you.
And l was getting on the expressway,
and suddenly l had this very strong
feeling that you were dead.
And l knew what it would feel like
to be alone in this house,
to not have you in my life.
And l got so scared, l had to pull over.
Well, you don't have to be scared any more.
l got scared because l felt happy.
You were happy because l was dead?
l was happy to be free.
Like a weight had been lifted.
- Like a weight had been lifted?
So, how am l supposed to respond?
You tell me you wished l was dead?!
l thought it was important.
l think you owe me an apology, Barbara.
lf you have something to say,
l'd like to hear it.
l want a divorce.
No, you don't.
You can't have one!
l've thought about this a lot.
l really don't want to be
married to you any more.
Why do you want a divorce?
Did... did l do something?
Did l... did l notdo something?
l can't give you specifics, Oliver.
- Well, try!
- l don't want to try!
ls there somebody else? Another man?
- A woman?
- You wish.
l should be the one asking for a divorce!
l was rushed to hospital
suffering from severe...
Oh, you're such an expert
at making me look like ajerk.
OK, OK, OK. l'm sorry.
l'm the bad person.
Let's just blame me for this.
No! No. l think l need...
l think you owe me,
after this many pretty goddamn good
years of marriage, a solid reason.
l worked my ass offto make enough money
to provide you with a good life,
and you owe me a reason that makes sense.
So let's hear it.
Come on. Let's hear it. Let's hear it!
when l watch you eat,
when l see you asleep,
when l look at you lately,
l just wanna smash your face in.
Come on, smash my face.
Come on. You wanna smash my face?
The next time... l hit back.
And you'd better get yourself
a damn good lawyer.
The best your money can buy.
- What does she want?
- Child support.
l've always taken care of my kids.
And they will be in one year,
which makes it nice for you.
- What about alimony?
- Barbara, against my advice, waives alimony.
l'm making money with my business.
l get a lot of referrals. l can support myself.
Well, l'm a lucky guy.
My client is being more than fair, Mr Rose.
She's waived alimony and she's willing to
waive her rights against your law practice
in exchange for the house and all of
its contents, except your shaving gear and...
- Everything l made went into that house.
- l found that house.
Every piece offurniture is where it is
because l put it there. lt is my house.
lf your client has finished yammering,
explain to her
that a wife does not
automatically get the house.
l thought you told her that
she was entitled to anything and everything.
- l told her what?
Here it is.
l quote: ''My love,
by the time you...''
Boy, what a handwriting.
''By the time you receive this, l may be gone.''
''All l am and all l have, l owe to you.''
You wrote this, Mr Rose?
Excuse me, Mr Thurmont, you tiny,
little, worm-like, infinitesimal prick,
could l have a word with my wife, please?
lf this is a who-can-sink-lowest-fastest
contest, you won.
By showing him my letter,
you have sunk below the deepest layer
of prehistoric frog shit
at the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp.
l may have let you have the house,
you'll never get it.
You will never get that house.
Do you understand?
You will never get that house.
- We'll see.
- Yeah... we'll see.
Maybe l shouldn't have
let you see that letter.
Dear girl, by the time this is all over,
you'll think oftoday
as one ofyour lighter moments.
What do you call lawyers
at the bottom ofthe ocean?
An excellent start.
l used to resentjokes like that.
Now l see them as simple truths.
Honey, l can't talk right now.
l'm with a client.
Love you, miss you, want you... Bye!
l recently married.
Which is the last thing l ever thought
l'd do after what happened to the Roses.
When it comes to women...
l hope l'm a better man now than l was.
l know l'm a better lawyer,
when it comes to divorce.
l'll never make another mistake
like l made with Oliver.
Let's just concentrate on the job at hand.
She wants the house. You want the house.
- l'm the one who's living in a hotel room!
- Not for long.
- She claims she found the house.
- She did find it, right?
Yeah, but that's not the point. She says
she made it what it is. She didn't. She didn't.
l'm not keeping score but, if l were,
it'd be about to in my favour.
Of all the really... good stuff.
Those wonderful Staffordshire dogs...
ln fact, most ofthe Staffordshires, l found.
And that Art-Deco rug and, uh...
And that stove in the kitchen? She wouldn't
have bought it if l hadn't pushed her!
Shoes. That's what she's good at buying.
l gotta have shelves in the closet
or she'd have them all over the place!
Here we go. You're gonna love this.
Civil Code, Title - - - Section C.
l used this once for a freebie divorce
l did for my cousin Paulie. Total loser.
''For the purposes of subsections
one and two of paragraphs...''
Here. Skip down to...
''Parties who have pursued separate lives...''
''Parties who have pursued separate
lives sharing neither bed nor board
shall be deemed to have lived apart
even though they reside
under the same roof...''
Even though they reside
under the same roof?
Yeah. The law was put on the books
for poor people:
folks who couldn't afford
separate residences. But we can use it.
- So l can move back in.
- lfyour divorce is settled in court,
it shows you're committed to the property.
Plus, you can see she doesn't sell the assets.
l can work on her,
get her to fold on the house.
No. No, Oliver, you don't even
deal with her. You avoid her.
Women can be a lot meaner than we think.
Never underestimate her as an adversary.
Don't talk to her.
No, no, no, l won't. Don't worry about me.
- Thank you.
- All right.
All right, go on. Go home.
- This is the stupidest thing you've ever done!
- Second stupidest.
- You can't stay here!
- The law says l can.
Title - - - Section C.
Look it up, tootsie pie.
OK, Mom, you're on.
Let me see that bag.
ls that what you're gonna put on top?
- Yes, it is.
Josh, plug it in, please.
- lt's a short.
- lt's not a short.
One ofthe ornaments
is touching the sockets.
You take care of it, Oliver.
Come on, it's Christmas time.
Let's get festive.
- l have to go out.
- l got stuff l gotta do in my room.
- Oh, God, my house is on fire!
- Mine too, babe!
Really, you idiot!
Wait up, babe!
Oh, my God!
Omar, do something!
Call the police! l'll get the extinguisher!
. . .
- Stay out ofthe way!
- Coming through!
''One: store in a cool place.
Two: hold upright, pull pin out.'' OK.
- ''Three: stand back, aim away from face.''
- Do it!
- Dad, hurry!
- All right! OK, OK! All right. OK, OK.
Dad! The curtain!
lt's over. Thank God l was here!
The whole house could have gone up.
OK, OK. l'll get a sponge
and start cleaning up.
Maybe a rake... or a bulldozer.
lt might not have been the lights.
You always know.
Rather than argue about who supposedly
did what, l'd like to reach some accord.
- Time is passing.
- l'd love to be done with this, too.
Right. lfwe leave settlement to the court,
the lawyers get everything!
So l've come up with a fair solution.
- You wanna hear it?
Now, l understand your point of view.
You've invested years in this marriage.
That's worth a lot.
A tremendous amount. $ .
- How did you arrive at that number?
- You do almost the same things as Susan.
- No! She's in college. She should make more.
There is no comparison whatsoever
between what she does and...
Her salary is a base, so l doubled it.
And that wasn't enough,
and then l tripled it,
and that's how l came up with this figure.
l shall give you that in cash. lt won't be easy.
lt'll be harder than hell,
but l'm gonna do it.
You just have to, you know,
agree to give up the house.
You owe me. You've gotten more out of
knowing me than l've got out of knowing you.
l'm not even gonna ask you what that means.
l found this house! l bought everything in it!
With my money! lt's a lot easier to spend it
than it is to make it, honeybun!
You might not have made it
if not for me, sweet cakes!
You weren't even multiorgasmic
before you met me!
You expect me to keep
reassuring you sexually,
even now when we disgust each other?!
Don't let this bother you.
lt's all gonna work out.
The red areas are hers.
The yellow areas are mine.
Green is neutral.
The kitchen was difficult, but Barbara
came up with the idea oftime allotment.
This seems rational to you both?
Oliver, my father used to say
that a man could never outdo a woman
when it came to love or revenge.
Why don't you let her have the house?
There are other houses. And other women.
No, no, no. l'm going to win because
l've got her to accept the ground rules.
Oliver, there is no winning in this.
lt's only degrees of losing.
l got more square footage.
Sorry to disturb you, but l was wondering
if l could borrow a sleeping tablet.
- Did Oliver send you for it?
- No. Actually, no.
All right, you got me there.
Which is good, because l'm
uncomfortable with the charade.
lt's nice to see somebody still
caring for somebody in this house.
- Good night, Susan.
- So, there will be no pills?
Oh, kitty. Kitty, wait.
Do you want me to call around
to find an open drugstore?
l'll find one.
- Should l come?
- lt's up to you.
- These are my favourite kind of cars.
- lt's a Morgan.
- What was that?
- A bump of some sort.
Oh, Kitty! Oh, mein Gott.
Look, why don't you go into the house
and find a large Ziploc bag?
Oh, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty.
So much for the nine lives myth.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Here, puss, puss, puss!
Here, puss, puss, puss!
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Have you see my cat?
Are you talking to me?
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, kitty.
Here, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Where are you, kitty? Come on!
Here, kitty, kitty!
Come on, kitty, kitty. Come on.
Here, puss, puss, puss.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
- What did you do with my cat?
- You're letting the heat out.
l know something happened. lnstead
of playing this game, what happened?
- You killed your cat, Barbara.
Yes. One damn Dalmane and
your kitty would be alive.
l had to get up in the middle ofthe night,
looking for Sominex, and l backed out the...
That supposed to scare me?
lf you're looking for trouble,
Barbara, you found it!
What do you expect?
You killed my cat! You're making me nuts!
Will you please...? l'm asking you to leave!
No, it's my house,
and l'm going to stay.
Frankly, l'm concerned about
you, Oliver. You look haggard.
l feel great.
l'll take time off after the Larrabee
Why don't you take time before?
lt's vital to the firm this comes off
without a hitch. l want you at your best.
l'm at my best. l won't let you down.
l'm in fantastic shape.
l thank you so much for caring.
- Mr D'Amato. There's someone in your office.
- Use words, Mary Ann.
- Mrs Rose.
l didn't think l should leave her in reception.
What with all the... you know.
Yeah, l know... Yeah, l know!
You really shouldn't be here because
it might be viewed by some as unethical.
Well, l am here... ethical or not.
You don't mind if l tape this
just so no one gets confused
about what was said?
What's on your mind?
Well, since you're the one who
advised Oliver to move back in,
l thought you would
advise him to move out.
Why? Sounds like you two
have things worked out,
with the red areas and the green areas.
Gavin, ever since this thing started,
l've had trouble sleeping.
Most mornings l wake up sobbing.
l'm sorry. That's shitty.
But this morning... l woke up screaming.
And l couldn't stop.
l need this to end. This has to end!
- l suggested selling the house...
OK. You both seem to agree on that.
l don't have much money,
but l could pay you.
That'd be illegal.
what would it take to get you
to help me, Gavin?
Put your shoes on, Barbara.
l haven't been into feet since ' .
- Have you ever made angry love?
- ls there any other way?
This is ridiculous. Button up!
You wanna settle this? Let's all sit down
and work it out, find some compromise.
- There is no compromise.
- Then l can't help you.
Worth a shot.
You know where l am
if you change your mind.
Sometimes l wonder what might have
happened... if l'd taken her offer.
But l didn't.
l should have seen her toes
in the pit of my crotch as a cry for help.
- Stinking bitch.
- Dumb bastard.
- Morning, Susan.
- l made you some sandwiches for the trip.
- l'm not hungry.
You may be hungry later.
Why don't you wrap these up?
There's some things l should tell you.
You're going offto college.
- You told me you loved me.
- Yes, l do love you.
And about drugs - don't do 'em. And sex -
don't catch anything. What else is there?
Just... about women.
Don't be led by your emotions.
Just cos you screwed up doesn't mean lwill,
so don't try and put your shit off on me.
Josh. Don't leave like this.
- l'm pissed at you!
- So what do you want to do about it?
You wanna take a swing at me?
ls that gonna make you feel better?
Then go ahead.
What are you and Dad gonna do
to each other once we're not around?
Don't be silly.
Your father and l need some
time alone to work things out.
By the time summer school starts,
we'll have it settled.
Then l'll make a celebration dinner and
l'll bring it up - or you can come here.
We'll work it out.
- You promise?
You know l love you.
- My sweet girl.
l'll be back for my things.
l will be thinking the best for you.
- Take care, Susan.
- You have a great time, kids.
- Don't worry about us.
At l became an evolutionist,
and it all became clear.
We came from mud.
And after . billion years of evolution,
at our core is still mud.
No divorce lawyer can doubt that.
We can nail her. She's having
a black-tie dinner at o'clock tonight.
The food critic from The Post
called to confirm the time.
She sent me this phoney
saying the house is being gassed
for termites, so l'd stay away.
- She can have dinner parties.
- She lied about the exterminator.
She can lie.
She took two of my Staffordshire figures.
Any dealer would give you
at least $ for them.
She is financing her dinner with my things.
l want to file criminal charges
and l want her thrown in jail.
- Unless you have proof, there aren't grounds.
- Wait a minute. Whose side are you on?
Did she get to you?
- Did you bang her?
- Not at all!
She was great. She was a gymnast.
l lost my train ofthought.
Come on, Gavin. Let's have her arrested.
l don't think you should stay in the house.
Sell the house and divide the proceeds.
No. You're selling me out. You don't
think l got the guts to go to the mat.
You don't want to go to this mat, Oliver.
Look. l respect you, Oliver.
You're a professional. l'm a professional.
As a professional and a friend,
l'm telling you, one way or another,
you're gonna lose. Give it up.
l understand what you're saying.
Now, some ofthe dishes tonight are new.
Some, l've no doubt made for you before.
But they are all my favourite dishes
as you are all my favourite clients.
Hello, darling. Sorry l'm late.
Well, l guess l'd better not sit too close
to anybody because l have a bit of a cold.
Now l guess l'll go in and piss on the fish.
Oliver, these people are my clients.
You are messing with my business.
l have the food editor
from The Postout there.
ls everything all right?
- l would never humiliate you like this.
- You're not equipped to, honey.
Leaving so soon, baby doll? Huh?
A family tiff seems to be developing.
l don't know ifwe should leave, but
l definitely advise skipping the fish course.
What...? What...? What are you doing?!
What...? What are you doing?!
Do you see what she's doing?!
Do you see that?!
Get out ofthe car, hon.
You're gonna have to kill me.
l mean it, Oliver.
You don't have the guts!
Come on. Come on!
This is absurd. lt's just absurd.
OK, the gloves are off.
Look, l don't wanna create a scene.
l mean, l, uh,
live in this neighbourhood, too.
But the gloves are off!
Your guests would have loved this.
l expected a little more
imagination from you, Ollie.
Guess l'll go clean up.
Not the Staffordshires.
- You love them as much as l do.
Don't you touch that.
What are you doing?!
- Give that to me!
- Let go!
Give it to me!
The Bermuda high-pressure system is
keeping hot weatherin the Potomac area.
Look fora high today of degrees.
Not a good day to do strenuous exercise.
Good advice, especiallyifyou
Sara Murphyis at the Pentagon
with a report on whether women
still fiind uniforms sexyformen.
So far, it was a pretty normal
A few bruises, some broken dishes,
a pissed-on fish.
But l think you should have
a drink for this next part.
There are two dilemmas...
that rattle the human skull.
How do you hold onto
someone who won't stay?
And how do you get rid of
someone who won't go?
l opened a great old one, to let it breathe.
You look beautiful.
- l feel good.
- l do, too.
The Larrabee confirmation hearing
went very well today.
l was surprised, happily surprised,
by your invitation.
Thank you for the wine.
l hope it's not poisoned.
- We've made a mess ofthings, Oliver.
- We sure have.
- l want to start living a normal life again.
- l do too, Barbara.
Sitting here like this, it's...
it's hard to believe we can't be happy.
We can be happy... just not together.
l want to ask you one last time to leave.
l can't do that. l won't.
You make so much money, Oliver.
You can buy another house
and replace everything.
You may find this hard to believe...
but l still love you.
- l find it hard to believe.
- What you can't believe is l don't want you.
Well, l... Yeah, l have
a problem with that. l mean,
l think l'm a good person, as people go...
What can we do to patch things up?
- l don't know.
- Tell me.
- l can't.
- l don't know.
- Please tell me. Please?
- Just tell me.
- Stop it!
l guess you don't wanna talk about it.
No, l don't wanna talk about it.
if you don't get out of here now,
you have no idea how far l'll go.
How far? Tell me.
We've been horrible to each other,
but we had something - we still do.
We haven't passed any point of no return.
- l have.
- l'm not convinced.
Nobody who makes pâté this good
can be all bad.
That depends on what the pâté is made of.
A good dog to the last bite.
l'll give you the chandelier.
You can't get out!
l'm gonna find you, sweetness.
l know this house too well!
Where the hell is she?
l guess l'm on top now. And you're helpless.
l can do anything l want.
Stop it! l mean it! Stop it!
Oh, God. Oh, you smell so dirty-sweet.
Oh, Barbie... Oh, we need this, Barbie. Yeah...
No, don't talk!
Don't talk. Oliver,
l want to say hello
to the bald avenger. Please.
You haven't called him that in years.
Oh, Barbara! Oh, Barbara! Oh!
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Oh, what's going on here?
Oh, l'm sorry.
l thought you were Barbara.
Mr Rose, what's going on here? Are you OK?
l'm... l'm fine. Fine.
l'm in the middle of something now.
l... l... l really can't talk about it.
Let me get the door for you.
- ls Mrs Rose all right?
- Yes, she's fine.
Where is she? ls she OK?
You're sure she's all right?
Barbara. Susan's here!
- She wants to know ifyou're OK.
- Never better.
Thank you for dropping by, Susan.
Come outside with me, Mr Rose.
Wait a minute. l forgot something.
Mr Rose! Mr Rose!
Oh, mein Gott. Mrs Rose!
What fresh hell is this?
l brought you a surprise.
You are ajerk.
l'll tell you what.
You say it's mine
and you can have everything in this house.
Barbara! Barbara, l'm sorry.
Are you all right? You OK?
Well, well, well!
l'd be glad to help you...
in exchange for the house.
Please don't break
the terrazzo floor when you land.
Oh! That's better.
l'm gonna save you whether you like it or not.
That won't work.
lt's too heavy. lt'll pull you off.
All right. All right.
l think l can swing this over to the balcony.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
l loosened the bolt.
l was gonna drop it on you.
Ooh, that's a good one.
- Uh, Susan, let me stop the car first!
Thank God you're here!
l thought you'd never arrive.
They're in there. They're over the edge!
l guess at this point, there's no reason
to be anything but absolutely honest.
Through all that's happened...
l always loved you.
And through all this,
you loved me too, didn't you?
Get that, would you, Oliver?
- No, no. OK, we go in.
Oh, mein Gott.
- Gavin, get a ladder!
l knew everything would be all right.
We're gonna be all right.
You see those two wires?
Each ofthem can hold... at least pounds.
Mein Gott. They are dead.
Some story, huh?
What's the moral?
Other than dog people should marry
dog people and cat people, cat people.
l don't know.
lt could be just this:
a civilised divorce
is a contradiction in terms.
Maybe because ofwhat happened,
l've become too traditional.
Maybe it's not natural to stay
married to one person for life.
My parents did it.
A few of 'em good!
So, look. Here it is.
We can begin.
When it comes to your wife,
l'm going to urge you to be generous
to the point of night sweats.
The all-important thing is to get you through
this as quickly and cleanly as possible
so that you can begin rebuilding your life.
you can get up
and go home,
and try to find some shred
of what you once loved about
the sweetheart ofyour youth.
lt's your life.
Take a minute.
Hi, what are you doing?
l'm coming home. Love you. Bye.