The Waterboy Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Waterboy script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Adam Sandler movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Waterboy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

The Waterboy Script





Cut his ass.



- [Grunting]

- Go! Now let's go!






- Heads up!

- [Grunting]



[Man] Take him down!

That's it, that's it!



- Hey, Coach, how you been?

- [Laughing] Lynn Swann.



Now, why ain't I surprised...



to see you snoopin' around my

football field first day of practice?



Well, that's because you got

a good-lookin' football team.



Maybe good enough to add another

national championship trophy

to the old case downstairs.



That's kinda like my old man

told me one time, Lynn.



"The only thing better than a crawfish

dinner is five crawfish dinners."



Hey, here comes

the shithead.



It's clean.



It's cold.



Now that's what I call

high-quality H  .  h!




Right in the head!



It's over there!



Any unused magic in that

legendary green playbook of yours, Red?



I may have a couple

squirrelled away in there...



for a rainy day.



[Players Yelling]



See what we got here.



- Not exactly what I'd call

constructive criticism.

- [Whistle Blowing]



- Smell like you could use

a shower, stinky.

-  h!



Listen, you-you could think what you

want a-about my personal hygiene,



but, please,

don't-don't waste any water.



That-That's bad policy. If you

need to amuse yourself at my expense,



just-just rough me up

or something.



- Fair enough.

- [Groaning]



- [Laughter]

- [Sighing]



[Waterboy Mumbling]



Laski, get over here!



- Yes, sir, Coach?

- [Sighing]



What is that moron

doin' here? Huh, huh?



Didn't I tell you as plain as I could

speak to get rid of his ass last year?



Yes, sir, but I didn't think

you were serious, Coach.

Besides, he does a great job.



Disrupting my football team,

you idiot?



Eighteen years of this

is enough!



Hey, Waterboy!



Yes, Mr Coach Beaulieu!



You're fired!







Get out of the way, you moron!



- When I was just

a little boy -



- I stood up to

my daddy's knee -



- My papa said, son

don't let the man get ya -



- And do what he done to me -



- - Born on the bayou -

-  h.



- Born on the bayou...



Bobby Boucher,

come give your mama a kiss.



- Hi, Steve.

- [Braying]



 h. Why you home so early,

my precious angel?



Mama, s-somethin' bad

happened today.



Somebody hurt you, my boy? Who hurt

you? You tell Mama who hurt you.



Nobody, Mama.

It's just that...



I lost my position as the team's

water distribution engineer.



Why, that's the best news

I heard in a dog's age.



Now you be able to spend your days

at home where you belong.



Yes, but...



l-I was... I was thinkin', Mama,

maybe l-I could...



I could try to-to get another

waterboy job for-for a different team.



Don't you raise your voice

to me, Bobby Boucher.



l-I wasn't raising

my voice, Mama.



I don't like confrontation

'cause I'm a Virgo.



Who told you

you was a Virgo?



Vicki Vallencourt,

that-that-that-that girl.



A girl?



Bobby Boucher! Don't you remember

what your mama told you about girls?



I remember, Mama.



A girl was so nice out at

Wasser's Creek this morning.



- Really?

- We looked for crawfish together.

Her's name's Vicki.



I don't ever want you

associatin' with little girls.



- Why not, Mama?

- Because little girls are the devil!



Mama, it-it's just

that I'm a waterboy.



The team gets thirsty,

and I bring them the water.



They-They need the water, and I likes

to be the one that brings it to them.



Yeah. They like to give you a boot

in the patoot for all your trouble.



Bobby, you don't have what they call

"the social skills."



People don't understand you.

That's why you never have any

friends, except for your mama.



All I know is this, Jimmy:

Next Friday, August   

at the Baton Rouge Exposition Center,



I'm gonna open a can

of whoop-ass on Herculon,



and I'm gonna drive him back into

whatever galaxy it is he came from.



And that's a promise!



Strong words from a strong man,

Captain Insano.



Now let's take a call. It's our

old friend from Jackson's Bayou, Mr B.



Hello, Jim.



l-ls it possible

to speak to Captain Insano?



- Shoot, Mr B.

- Captain Insano,



I notice sometimes

when you are wrestling...



or-or openin' up a can of whoop-ass,

as you like to say...



- You seem to be sweating

quite profusely.

- Yeah?



I was wondering if,

perhaps, you might need...



the services

of an experienced waterboy.




That's pretty cute.



How old are you, kid?

Eleven, twelve?



l-I am    years old.



[Both Laughing]



[Captain Insano]

I guarantee, that guy's still a virgin.



 h!  h, my God!



[Laughing Continues]



[Engine Whirring]



- My mama said -



- That your life

is a gift -



- And my mama said -



- This much weight

you will lift -



- And my mama said

leave those bad boys alone -



- And my mama said...



This is where

they strip the ball from us.



And then we miss one tackle.

There, two tackles.



Joey drops the ball.



Whoops, he has time

to pick it up and dust it off

and run in for a touchdown...



before our guys even know

what's goin' on.



- [Sighing]

- [Knocking]



- Hello?

- My name is Bobby Boucher.



And I am inquiring as to whether

you have the need for

an experienced waterboy...



on your upcoming season.



Nice suit.



Thank you.

l-l-l-lt was my daddy's.



- Hold that thought.

- Yeah.



Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Come on. Come here.



Come here. Come on.

Come on, everybody.



- All right, this is it.

This is the play.

-  kay.



This is the play.

This is the play.  kay?



The quarterback. Two receivers

lined up to the left, one to the right.



There's a flanker lined up to the left

behind the quarterback.



-  h, okay.

- He gives the ball...

No, he doesn't get the ball.



The receiver goes

all the way over there to the left.



 nce the quarterback has the ball,

he fakes to the left.



No. He fakes to the right.

He doesn't fake.



He thinks about faking.

He pretends to fake.



I don't know

where I am.



I can't breathe.



 r, this room is getting smaller.

I have to sit down.



Hang on here.

Take some water.



All right, there.



This is good. This is much better

than what I serve.



- That is the water that

you serve to your players?

- Uh-huh.



It is imperative that you allow me

to be your waterboy.



I can't hire you.

I can't hire anybody with the...



You do not have to... have to pay me.

l-I will do it for free.



Just promise me that you will

never distribute the contents

of that jug to any human person.



- That's a deal.

- It's a deal?



Thank you so-so much, Coach Klein.

l... I will not let you down.



- Good day.

- Good day.



l-l-I'll see you

at practice.



- - Boom, boom, boom, boom -

- [Yelling]



- Bang, bang, bang, bang -



- Boom, boom, boom, boom -



- Bang, bang, bang, bang

Hey -



- Hey...



Quit hoggin' that.

Pass it over.










Just have the defence

run sprints.



[Mumbling Continues]



Yo! Water's better cold.



Yes, I agree, but to guarantee that

the H   is-is purified,



i-it's good to use

the heating source, Sterno.



It's like my mama always says,

"Better safe than-than sorry."



My mama says that too.

Aren't all mamas the same?



- Yes.

- Derek. I kick

the field goals around here.



Will you listen up? I need

your cooperation. I need it now.



Is he gonna be-be

all right?



Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has

his good days and his bad days.



Used to be an assistant coach

at some big football school,



but he had a mental breakdown

or something.



Don't worry.

He'll snap out of it.



- Let me know when it

cools down, baby. All right.

- Yes.









Hey, did you all get a load

of the new waterboy?



Let's make him feel right at home.

Jerry, go right.



Casey, go left.

Way left.



-  n one. Ready?

- [All] Break!



Set! Red,   !



Red,   ! Hut!






- [Cheering]

- [Laughing]



l-l-l-I think you zigged

when you should've zagged on that play.



- Sorry.

- Hey, Waterboy, check this out.



[All Laughing]



[Laughing Continues]



Hey, Waterboy!

Check this out.



- [Laughing]

- [Grunting]



- Yes.

- [Grunting Continues]



Well, my, my, my.



Was my little aquatic engineer about

to bash one of my football players?



Well, he spit

in the c-c-cooler.



He happens to be

a finely tuned athletic machine.



And I ain't gonna have him hit

in the head by some idiot waterboy.




Do you understand me?



- Are you all right?

- What? I wasn't gonna

do nothin', Coach.



Well, you better do something.

You gotta defend yourself here, Bobby.



But they're-they're-they're

finely tuned athletic machines.



I am not telling you

to go on a shooting rampage.



But you have to stand up

for yourself, or they're

gonna ride you all season long.



Believe me,

I've seen it myself.



Hey, moron!



Hey! Moron! Duh!



[lmitating Bobby]

L-Look at me. I'm the w-w-waterboy.



Duh! I got

a wooden spoon. Duh!



Smell like you could use

a shower, stinky. [Cackling]



You're fired!




[Both Laughing]



Stop makin' fun of me.



Red, ready! Hut!



- Wow!

- Damn!






- I'm sorry.

- [Groaning]



Who that?

Who there?



So that's what openin' up

a can of whoop-ass feels like.



Son, you just opened

a whole case of whoop-ass.



I would be honoured if you

play football for this team.



- Me? Play football?

- Yes.



Thanks, but no thanks. My mama

won't let me play no football.



We're gonna go home.

You and l, we're gonna talk to Mama.



M-Mama said... M-Mama said...

My mama said... Mama said...



- My mama said... My mama say that...

- She's gonna say yes.



[Zapper Buzzing]



Mmm, that snake

looks delicious.



What part do you think

I'm about to eat?



Uh, basically

a snake don't have parts.



But, uh, if I had to

call it anything,



I would say

it's his knee.



Great. His knee.



And what are we having

for dessert?



[Animal Chittering

In Zapper]



- Squirrel.

- [Squirrel Thuds]






Let's talk about Bobby

playing football.



I don't like it, Mr Coach Klein.

I don't like it one bit.



You see, my boy is too delicate

to be playin' "fool's ball"...



or whatever you call it...

with them gargantuans.



I don't think you understand,

Mrs Boucher.



No, you don't understand me,

Mr Coach Klein.



My boy is all I got left.  w!



- [Steve Braying]

- Mama, here.



It's the brain pain, Coach.



You see, my husband Robert,



one day back in     

pick up sticks,



and me four months pregnant

with this precious angel.



He decides he wants to go

and help the foreign peoples.



He's gonna go

and join the Peace Corps.



And he promise me

that everything's gonna be okay.



Just like you

promisin' me now.



But everything wasn't okay. No.



He got lost in the middle

of the Sahara Desert.



And he died.

He died!



- Couldn't get no water, Coach.

He died of the dehydration.

- And we were left all alone.



I would've gotten my daddy some water,

but I was just a little baby

inside Mama's stomach.



And now you wanna take away

the only part of my Robert I have left.



But don't you want the only part you've

got left to get a college education?



- Nah.

- Me, a college student?



Yes. Bobby, think about it.



A whole new world

will open to you.



Boy, Mama, that-that-that sounds nice.

Me-Me, a college man.



Coach, my Bobby's

a sweet boy,



but he ain't exactly what you'd call

"college material,"



so don't you go fillin' his simple head

with all those crazy dreams...



of school and college

and things of that sort.



But Mama, l-I'm tired

of everybody callin' me a dummy.



I'm-I'm tired

of not havin' any friends.



And my ass is tired sittin' here

jawin' all night. I'm goin' to bed.



Nice to meet you, Mr Coach.

Good luck with your fool's ball.



Bobby, after you let Mr Coach out,

you come into my bedroom.



Mama'll brush your hair.



- [Door Closes]

- You know, when I was your age,



my mother told me not to get a tattoo...

of Roy  rbison.



But what Mama don't know

won't hurt her.



I trust you'll make

the right decision.



-  h, yeah -



- Huh

I'm -



- Gonna get under your skin -



- - Sooner or later -

- Damn, I don't want that ass

on the team.



Everybody's gonna

laugh at us.



Everybody's already

laughin' at us.



We ain't won a game

since     .



- - Sooner or later...

- Hey! What's up, baby?

- Hey.



- Where's your helmet?

- Derek Wallace, they-they

don't got no more helmets.



Here. You can share mine.



Try it on, man.

See if it fits.



- All right.

- Thanks, friend.



- What a dink.

- [Whistle Blowing]



Come on!

Huddle up!



- [Mumbling]

- [Coach Klein] All right,

we have an announcement to make.



 ur former waterboy, Bobby Boucher,

is gonna play some linebacker for us.



[lmitating Bobby]

 oh, I'm a f-f-football player.




- Coach, I'd like to tackle him

right now, please.

- Not yet.



All right, now I wanna work with the

offence. I wanna work with the defence.



- Special teams, go with

Farmer Fran, do some laps.

- Shit.



[Farmer Fran Mumbling]



Line up on the ball.



- [Man] Let's go.

- All right? Third and ten.



Third and ten?



Yeah, you know, that's

the offense's last opportunity...



to gain ten yards

before they have to punt.



Gee, he's gonna run

the option.






- [Grumbling]

- He ain't never gonna be able

to figure this out, Coach.



Yes, he is.



Now, Bobby, you've waterboyed

for    years.



Didn't you occasionally

watch the game?



 h, I had a lot

to k-keep me busy.



- Checking the pH levels,

refillin' the cups.

- All right.



Well, then let's just

keep it simple.



Casey. I want you

to tackle Casey...



like you did Gee yesterday.



- Right now?

- Right now! Go!



- Does he know about this?

- Doesn't matter. You're a warrior.






- [Man] Boy, what you doin'?

- [Players Grumbling]



[Coach Klein]

All right. Bobby, Bobby.



Don't be afraid to use

all of your strength, you know?



He's resilient.

He's a resilient guy.



 kay? Come on.



[Man] Hey, Casey,

I think he wanna make out with you.



- [Whistle Blowing]

-  kay, that's enough. Thank you.



Is there any sport that you

do watch? You know, a physical sport?



- Boxing? Hockey?

- Wrestling.



Wrestling! Wrestling is good.



Who's your favourite wrestler?



Well, even though he was slightly

discourteous to me recently,



I'm gonna have to say

Captain Insano.



 kay, okay,

I want you to do to Casey...



what Captain Insano does

to the bad guy.






-  w!  w!

- [Players Gasping]



- He poked me in the eye.

- Captain Insano shows no mercy.



Bobby, where was the intensity

that I saw yesterday?



That was no intensity. You said it

was all right to fight back,



and l-I just started thinkin'

about all the people who-who'd

been mean to me over the years.



That's it.

That's it.



I want you to think about

all those mean people.



- They're gonna be your tackling fuel.

- Tacklin' fuel.



- We're gonna use them to play football.

- Tacklin' fuel.



I want you to pretend

that Casey...



- Is insulting you.

- Pretend?



I want you to visualize all those

people that have been mean to you.



And then I want you to attack. I want

you to visualize and then attack.



- Can you handle that?

- I'll try.



He's gonna try.



What's the matter with you, boy?

You too s-s-stupid...



to do what your coach

tells ya?



- [Coach Laughing]

- No!



- No what?

- [Yelling]



[Players Murmuring]



I didn't mean to hurt you.

Coach told me to pretend.



Bobby. Bobby! Can you do this for

me every single game? Can you do this?



Coach, not only

will I do it for you.




Yes, yes, I'll do it for ya.






So, uh, why you pick this class anyway?

It's pretty hard.



 h, beautiful view.






All right, all right!



Y'all shut up now!



Now, last week,

we talked about...



the physiology

of the animal brain...



as it pertains

to aggression.



Now, is there anyone here

that can tell me why...



most alligators

are abnormally aggressive?



- I know the answer to this question.

- Raise your hand.



Anybody? Anyone?

Yes, sir. You, sir.



Mama says that alligators

are ornery...



'cause they got all them teeth

but no toothbrush.




Yo mama said,



alligators are ornery

'cause they got all them teeth...



and no toothbrush.






Anybody else?

Yes, sir. You, sir.



Alligators are aggressive because

of an enlarged medulla oblongata.



It's the sector of the brain

which controls aggressive behaviour.



- That is correct!

The medulla oblongata.

- But Mama said...



The medulla oblongata...



is where anger, jealousy

and aggression come from.



Now, is there anybody here can tell

me where happiness comes from?



- No, man.

- Anyone?



All right, let's hear what

Mama has to say on the subject.



Mama say that happiness is

from magic rays of sunshine that

come down when you feelin' blue.



Well, folks,

Mama's wrong again.



No, Colonel Sanders,

you're wrong.



- [Students]  oh!

- Mama's right.



You're all wrong.

Mama's right. Mama's right!



Somethin' wrong

with his medulla oblongata.



- [Class Laughing]

- [Yelling]



It's okay to fight back.

Coach Klein said I could.



Mr Coach Klein said I could.

It's fine, fellas.



[Announcer] Well, Mud Dog

fans, it's time to kick off...



another year

of Mud Dog football.



With the weight of a   -game

losing streak on their back,



everyone seems to be diggin' in

for the long haul.



- There's blood in the streets

It's up to my ankles -



- There's blood in the streets

It's up to my knee -



- Blood on the streets

in the town of Chicago -



- Blood on the rise

It's following me...



What you doin', Bobby?



 h, Lord, that-that-that's some

heavy-duty armpit saturation.



That's an early warning sign of

the dehydration. You gots to have H  .



- Please, for me.

- Look, you need to stop

worryin' about water, baby,



and start worryin'

about the game today, okay?



Here. Now, just do whatever you did

to Colonel Sanders,



and you'll be fine.



l-I will, thank you. L-l-I just...

I feel bad about lyin' to my mama.



I wonder what

she's doin' right now.









- [Grunting]

- [Announcer] And he's down

with a three-yard kickoff return.



- The Mud Dogs offence takes the field.

-  kay, come on, here we go.



Come on, everybody.

You can do it. Gain some yards.

Put some points on the board.



Hey, Walter,

I'll bet you    bucks...



Gee Grenouille throws a touchdown pass

on the first play.



Check it out.



Set, fool,    hut!






[Man Laughing]



You owe me    bucks.



- You said it was gonna be

a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole.

- Go, go, go, go!



Hold 'em, hold 'em, hold 'em.

 kay, you can do it. Come on.



Bobby, Bobby, this is

just like we practised, okay?



 kay, go, go, go.

Come on.



Watch where you're going, needle dick.

[lmitating Bobby Grunting]



[Whistle Blowing]






Set!    !



- Time for retard to find out what

college football's all about.

- [Laughing]



   ! Check, check.



Red,   ! Red,   !



Needle dick! Needle dick!

Needle dick!



[Bobby Grunting]






Your name is needle dick.



- [Grunting]

- I knew that this was a good idea.



[Bobby Grunting]






- Time-out from the game.

- What's he calling time-out for?



- Man, what are you doin'?

- Here, this is for you.






- [Coach Beaulieu]

Hey, Waterboy, you're fired!

- Stop it!



Yes! Bobby!






-  oh-la-la. Yeah, man! Yeah!

- Yeah, yeah!



- Slap hands!

- Whatever.



Waterboy's killin' 'em.



He's the best tackler

I've seen since Joe Montana.



Joe Montana was a quarterback,

you idiot.



I said, "Joe Mantegna."




We're tied at seven with

   seconds to go in the fourth quarter.



Eagle cover two.

Eagle cover two. Ready?



Best of luck to you

on-on-on the upcoming play.



- I'll be playin' with your mama tonight.

- Sixty-two.



- Move,    hut!

- [Announcer] Bernard drops back.



- Looks like a screen pass.

- [Cheering]



Sixty-two! Sixty-two!

There you are!



- [Groaning]

- Thank you.




Number    is headed for the end zone.



He's at the    the   .

He's almost...



Man! Touchdown!

Reds lead.



[Bobby Grunting]



Dropkick. Looks like Boucher

knocked him out cold.



I love my mama very much.

Now you know that.



- [Crying]

- [Crowd Moaning]



The waterboy handed them the game.

What an idiot.



Waterboy, you stink!



Nice job, shithead.

You just lost us the game.



I'm sorry. Would you please

still be my friend?



No! Get away from me.






Excuse me?

May I help you?



Hey, stud.



Vicki Vallencourt, this is...

this is quite a pleasant surprise.



Yeah, well, I just got out of jail,

and I heard you were playin' football.



Yes, well, l-l-I've...



[Mumbling, Indistinct]







[Mumbling, Indistinct]



So, let's say we go and get

somethin' to eat, catch up on things.



 h, uh...



Mama's not a-a-a big fan

of restaurants...



or of-of me going to one.



But if-if you'd like,




Mama, she, uh... she like to...

on a Sunday afternoon...



There-There's a-a-a grill

with the charcoal b-biscuits.



- You want me to come to a barbecue?

- Yes, that's it.




Sounds great.



And by the way, I hope you like

what I did to y'all lawn mower.



[Steve Braying]



You know that old hag that does

astrology on Good Morning America,



she really ought

to pack it in.



Listen what she said

for Sagittarius. She goes:



"You're gonna be faced with

a difficult decision today."



But the thing is-is-is, we're all faced

with difficult decisions every day.



- That's like sayin'

you're gonna eat today.

- Yeah, m-maybe...



by leaving her predictions

vague and generalized,



there's less of a chance of someone

findin' out she's a phoney.



Whatever, college boy.



- Don't say college boy. Here comes Mama.

-  h, okay.



That looks nice, Mama.






- Mmm, here you go, Vicki Vallencourt.

- Thank you.



Mama, Vicki's

an astrologist.



I don't believe in that sort

of thing, personally.



Astronomy is one

of the many tools of the devil.



You sure played great

yesterday, Bobby.



- What did my boy play great?

- Uh, um...



Waterboy. Yeah, waterboy.

He played... He played waterboy great.



Everybody who was thirsty

got a drink right away...



yesterday at the...

at the football game.



Fool's ball! Bunch of overgrown

monsters manhandling each other.



Remember when that man wanted you

to play fool's ball, Bobby?



Yeah, l... He...

Roy  rbison...



Coach Klein.

l-l-I remember.



So, Bobby, did they ever catch

that gorilla...



what escaped from the zoo

and punched you in the eye?



No, Mama, he...

The-The search continues.



What would you think if Bobby

did play football, Mrs Boucher?



Well, I wouldn't

think much of it at all.



And to tell you the truth,

I don't think much of you...



and all your snotty questions,

Miss Vallencourt.



I'm quite disturbed to see

that you're so interested in my boy.



I'm very, very interested

in your boy, Mrs Boucher.



- Really?

- Mm.



Well, did he tell you

about how much his feet smell?



- Mama.

- He has to wear two pair of socks.



Well, men are supposed

to have stinky feet.



Well, are men

supposed to wear pyjamas...



featuring a cartoon character

by the name of Deputy Dog?



- Mama, please.

- Well, you know what?



I happen to find

Deputy Dog to be...



very, very sexy.



Did he tell you about

a little bedtime problem?



- Mama, I'm beggin' you, don't.

- That's his sheet back there.



If you'll excuse me, ladies,

I'm gonna go hang myself.



- Now you see what you done?

- What I did?



Now you listen here, cupcake. The

"onliest" woman in my boy's life is me.



Nobody's gonna take him away, especially

not some godless Jezebel like you.



 h, yeah, well your Bobby

is a grown man.



And guess what? He can hang out

with whoever he wants!



 h, yes, he can.

Whoever he wants. 'Cept you!



Bobby, that-that woman

is the devil.



- I want you to stay away

from her, you hear me?

- Yes, Mama.



Now you come on inside before that

little ol' witch casts a spell on us!



I'm sorry,

Vicki Vallencourt.






- If you want it, you got it

You feed it, you love it -



- Say that you need it

You never......



When we report on the S.C.L.S.U.

Mud Dogs here on Sportscenter,

it's usually to add...



another number to their amazing

losing streak, which now stands at   .



But now, Bobby Boucher

has given us another reason.



In the Mud Dog's latest loss

this past Saturday,



the amazing   -year-old freshman

set a new N.C.A.A. record...



by sacking the quarterback




shattering the old record

of seven.



And, oh, by the way, Bobby Boucher

is also the team's waterboy,



which, of course,

begs the question:



What exactly are they putting

in the water...



down in Jackson's Bayou,




- There is a house

in New  rleans -



- They call The Rising Sun...



[Announcer] We're deadlocked

at three with less than a minute to go.



[Coach Klein]

We are one family with one dream.



There are    of you

on this team, not just one.



Bobby can't do this by himself. Now get

out there and make something happen!



- All right, sacrifice

your bodies. Go, go, go!

- [Players Cheering]



Thank you. Bobby, you're gonna

have to do this by yourself...



because there is nobody

on this team that's any good.



Now look, I can't stand

losing any more.



We've got to win one game. Can you

go out there and make something happen?



- Visualize and attack.

- Yeah.



- Visualize and attack. Please!

- Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.



- Please!

- [Mumbling, Indistinct]



[Announcer] Central Kentucky's down

to their third straight quarterback.



Good news, folks.

First-string quarterback, Tommy Gardner,



does not have a broken neck.



Blue,   !

Blue,   ! Hut!



I forbid you to talk to

that enchantress. She's the devil!



She's not the devil. She's the

most beautiful woman in the world.



- I never said she was the devil.

- She's the most beautiful woman

in the world.



 h, please, don't hurt me!



Follow the...

Come on!



You crazy man!

 kay, okay, okay!



It's a safety!

They win, they win, they win!



With the help of Boucher,

the losing streak is over!



I'm so sorry, Mama.

Please, forgive me.



I love you so much, Mama.

I love you.



- I love you too.

- [Derek] We won!



We won, baby! It's gonna be a big

party tonight, and you're going!



- Me? Party?

- Yeah, baby!







Party! Party!



- Let's groove tonight -



- And share

the spots and light -



Hey! Nice suit.



Thank you.

It was my daddy's.



Mama don't know I'm here,

but I took these outta the icebox:

Louisiana frog cakes.






- Come on in.

- [Woman] Hey, Bobby Boucher!



Look who's here:

Sergeant Stutter.



- Want a beer?

- I'll take a Scotch and water.

Hold the Scotch.



- You just make a joke, Bobby?

- Yes, I did.




Good one.



Now that you finally won a game, right,

you feel looser, the pressure is off,



and that will lead

to a lot more victories.



- Yeah, that and a waterboy

getting    sacks a game.

- That too.



- Professor!

- [Gasping]



We still havin' that test on amphibians

and reptiles next Friday?



Yes, sir. That is,

if it's all right with you.



-  f course, it is.

- My best regards to your dear mama.




Let's talk to the waterboy.



You played amazing

at the game today, Bobby.



And you are so cute.

Is there a girl you're seein'?



Seein'? Uh, uh, I see

a lot of girls.



I see a lot of guys too.



I think that's sexy.



You ever been with a guy and a girl

at the same time?



 h, yeah, plenty of times.



The other night, I was with my mama

and Coach Klein at the same time.



You are a bad boy.

I wish you were my boyfriend.



 h, thank you, but, see, there's

this girl, Vicki Vallencourt.



She may be the devil.

Mama said that.



Consequently, I am prohibited

from contact with her.



But I hope to get past that

one day 'cause she's nice to talk to.



[Mumbling, Indistinct]



 h, oh.






- Take me and break me off

Baby, let me play the clothes

and I'll take me off -



- 'Cause I've been checkin' out

your style from across the stand -



- And I'm much more than your waterboy

and average fan -



- You ask me why

Perfect practise makes perfect game -



...[Rap Continues]



- Sit-ups and pull-ups

   octane, premium, fill up -



- I'm doin' my thing

for much more than the thing -



- I'm doin' my thing

for much more than the thing -



- I'm doin' my thing

for much more than the thing -



- I'm doin' my thing

for much more than the thing -



- I'm doin' my thing for

much more than the thing...



Yo, we have a very special

guest here today.



Let's have a warm L.T. welcome

for Bobby Boucher. Come on, Bobby.



- [Cheering]

- Thank you, Mr Lawrence Taylor.



Tell me, what is your secret?

How do you find yourself

in the right position all the time?




a good question.



What-What happens is, the-the-the

centre has-has the ball first.



And-And-And the quarterback

will say, "Hike."



That's when the c-center puts the ball

in-into the hands of the quarterback.



So what I do is,

l-I start tacklin' the quarterback,



unless he give the ball

to-to s-somebody else,



in which case,

l-I try to tackle that person.



Hmm? Gentleman, which brings me

to my next point:



Don't smoke crack.



- [Chattering]

- [Horn Honking]



Vicki Vallencourt.

What you doin' here?



 h, nothin'.

I was just thinkin'...



about stealin' L.T. 's Porsche

over there.



But I suppose I ought to

be movin' on before I get you

in trouble with your mama.



Well, Mr Coach Klein said that

what Mama don't know won't hurt her.



So maybe we could

ride home together.



- Really?

- If you'd like to.








- Who got the hooch...



- Who got the hooch

Baby -



- Who got the only

sweetest thing in the world -



- - Who got the hooch, baby -

- [Snoring]



- Who got the only

sweetest thing in the world -



- Who got the love

Who got the freshy freshy -



- Who got the only

sweetest thing -



- - In the world...

- [Braying]



You can sit down,

if you'd like.



[Braying Continues]



Vicki Vallencourt,

I figured...



'cause you're interested in astrology

and mystical stuff like that,



you might appreciate this.



That's water

from a glacier in Alaska.



It-lt was blessed

by a-an Eskimo medicine man.



- It's cold!

- Yes, it's always cold.

That's why it's so special.



That-That was...

That-That-That-That happened...



That-That happened to be

my-my first time with-with lips...




and-and-and-and-and the-the tongue.



That was your tongue.

l... I believe it was...



I never did that before.



Well, if that was

your first kiss,



then I bet it's the first time

you've seen a pair of these.



Yes, yes, that is

a-another first for me,



and l-I appreciate what-what-what

you're showin' me right now.



[Snoring Continues]



Vicki-Vicki Vallencourt,

l-I think Mama's up.




Devil, devil, devil.



You better get goin'.



My God, Bobby, I mean, sometimes,

I just don't know why I bother with you.



You ain't even a man.



[Announcer] It looks like

the Cinderella S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs,



led by linebacker

Bobby Boucher,



are gonna fall one victory short

of that Bourbon Bowl bid.



Iowa could win the game

by nailing this   -yard field goal.



Yeah, but the Mud Dogs have played

a sensational football game.



Let's take a look at the way Boucher

entered the Hawkeyes' last drive.



Here we see Boucher

instantly penetratin' the pocket.






There's a lot of pain

and shame in those eyes.



Friends, it's all over.



- [Man] My leg!

- Wow, that is a disturbing image.



Difficult to watch, Chris.




Whoo! My God!



Gonna kick some names

and take some ass!






Water sucks.

Gatorade is better.



- What?

- Use it on the field.



[Crowd Chanting]

Waterboy, Waterboy, Waterboy!



Gatorade not only quenches your thirst

better, it tastes better, too, idiot.



You're-You're-You're drinkin'

the wrong water.



- Gatorade.

- H  .



- Gatorade!

- H  !



- Water sucks, It really, really sucks

Water sucks -



- - It really, really sucks...

- Stop saying that. You don't

mean that. You're bad people.



[Bobby Whimpering]



- [Cheering]

- [Announcer] And my friend, Chris,



the Mud Dogs are goin'

to the Bourbon Bowl.



With yesterday's come-from-behind

victory, the S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs...



earned a New Year's Day date with Red

Beaulieu and the Louisiana Cougars...



in the first annual

Bourbon Bowl.



But not only has the waterboy

changed S.C.L.S.U. 's fortunes,



he's got other teams looking

around the sidelines for talent.



In fact, yesterday, Michigan,

devastated by injury,



experimented with their towel boy

at wide receiver.



- [Groaning]

- But the towel boy ran into

a laundry list of problems.






You know, when I see

so many of you here tonight,



it reminds me just about how special

this season really was.



Not just for the team.



Not just for the students.



But for each and every

one of you...



in our small corner

of Louisiana!



- [Cheering]

- You can do it!



 h, yes, we can,

and, yes, we will.



Because we've got...



a young man who has been

so vital to our success.



A wonderful student-athlete.



And a wonderful friend.



Ladies and gentlemen,

Bobby Boucher!






- [Together] Waterboy, number one!

- You can do it!



Thank you so much...



for bein' my friends.



- [Crowd Cheering]

- You can do it!



I'd also like to take

this opportunity...



to tell you that my mama

don't know how I play football,



so if-if you could not tell

my mama l-I play football,

that would be for the best.






...[Band Resumes]



[Horn Honking]



We must be a little lost. We're tryin'

to get to the Bourbon Bowl.



Looks like we ended up

in Retardville, U.S.A.



Hey, Waterboy, you fixin'

to tackle all of us?



- Kick his water-lovin' ass, Greg.

- I asked you a question, dumb ass.



You even exhale,

and I will saw your head off.



You can do it!

Cut his fucking head off!



Hold it, hold it. Just a minute.

Now what is the problem here, honey?



I mean, whatever it is,

we don't want this to get physical.



Right, Klein?



[Vicki] Yeah, well, your team actin'

like a bunch of shitheads.



This is not how ambassadors

for the University of Louisiana

are supposed to act.



So now you just get back on the bus.





assault with a deadly weapon,



very, very serious offence.



 fficer, get her

little country ass outta here.



- [Crowd Murmuring]

- Thank you, Vicki.



Let's go.



Ah! It's the waterboy!



I got something for you.



This is his transcript from

South Lafayette High School...



in Cherokee Plains,




Now, the problem with that...



is there ain't no South Lafayette High

School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana.



- So obviously, this is a fake!

- [Crowd Gasping]



However, this is not a fake.



This is from the N.C.A.A.



They don't think you ought

to play football no more.



So allow me to say this to you

one more time:



You're fired.



 h, no!

We suck again!



Ever see a championship ring?



- Don't be messin' with the champ.

Come on, Laski.

- You didn't go to high school?



I was home schooled.

l-I didn't know I needed...



- Forged a fake transcript.

- No, no, l-l-I didn't.



- The waterboy's a cheater.

Cut his head off.

- [Crowd Agreeing]



Listen, everybody!

This don't change nothin'!



We played as a team,

we won as a team.



And just because

the waterboy's a cheater,



don't change the fact

that the real Mud Dogs...



are gonna kick

some Cougar ass.



Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!



[Together] Mud Dogs!

Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!



Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!

Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!



Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!

Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!



- That's the way!

- [Cheering]



Sorry, Bobby.



-  h, what a lonely boy -



Believe me,

l-I understand.



Yeah, and you're

deeply appreciated, Mr Dodd.



Thank you so much.




Good news, Bobby.



- The N.C.A.A. is gonna allow you

to play in the Bourbon Bowl.

- Yes.



You just have to pass the high school

equivalency test.



It's not the test, Coach.



Everybody hates me.



That's not true.



 ne man said he wanted

to decapitate me.



Nobody else thought that

to be too bad of an idea.



Somebody made me

look like a-a-a cheater.



I did it. I did it. I did it!

I did it! I did it!



- It was me.

- Why?



Because I wanted you to play.

Because you were my way out, Bobby.



'Cause it was the only way

to get you in.



I am so sorry.



Why didn't you s-stick up for me

down by the river?



The truth is, I fled.



I came into my office,

I went under my desk, I cried.



I cried. I cried

like a ten-year-old girl!






Red and I have a history.



Twenty years ago,

we were assistants to Coach Cavanaugh...



at the University

of Louisiana.



Red ran the practices,

and I used to come up with the plays.



 h, boy, was I good.



I would write these foolproof plays

in my little green notebook that I had.



- The opposition

didn't even know what hit 'em.

- [Door Knocking]



And when Coach Cavanaugh

was going to retire,



me and Red, we just knew that one of us

was gonna be his successor.






- Hey, Red.

- How ya doin'?



Come by to wish me luck?



Well, not exactly, no, no.

Actually, I come by to get you

to do ol' Red a little favour.



Sure. What's up?



Well, you know that green

notebook you use to write

all them football plays in?



Well, I need to show Cavanaugh that

I can come up with some good play ideas.



But you didn't come up

with them.



They're my plays.

I need them.



Klein, I'm gonna have

this book one way or another,



so you might as well let the damn

thing go, 'cause if you don't,



it's gonna get awfully,

awfully physical around here.



And I don't think

you want that, do you? Huh?






 f course, Red got the job.

Next day, fired me.



 nce he had my notebook,

he didn't need me any more.



I didn't take it very well.



No, Grandma,

I didn't get it.



I can't believe it myself.



I know.

I'm so numb.



I just hate him,

I hate him, I hate him.



That is a terrible story, Coach.



- But why-why don't you just

come up with some new plays?

- I tried.



- I can't.

- Yes.



I guess I have a mental block,

you know, ever since Red took

my playbook and my manhood.



I knew what he was gonna do!



And I just didn't fight back.



Well, you're gonna show him

that you're a man on Saturday.



And I'm gonna show everybody

that I'm not a dummy.



I'm gonna go study.






Mama, maybe you could stop brushin'

my hair so I can read.






You don't have to read.



- What you readin' for?

- 'Cause I enjoys it, Mama.



Don't look like to me you enjoys it,

sittin' there all grouchy.



Mama, I gotta read this book

and six other books tonight,

or else I can't play foot...






Fool's ball? You playin'

the fool's ball behind my back?



The only reason I'm doin' this

so, so I can go to school.



School? You goin' to school?




- [Steve Braying]

- Sorry, Mama. I wanted to tell you.



You off gallivantin' with your fancy

fool's ball friends at school,



while I'm sittin' here all day

with nobody to keep me company,

except Steve?



The chickens are comin' home

to roost, Bobby Boucher.



You reap the fruit

of your selfish ways.



You're gonna lose all your

fancy fool's ball games...



and you're gonna fail your big exam,

because school is...



- The devil?

- [Gasps]



Everything is the devil

to you, Mama!



Well, I like school,

and I like football!



And I'm gonna keep doin' them both

because they make me feel good!



And by the way, Mama,

alligators are ornery...



because of their

medulla oblongata!



And I like Vicki,

and she likes me back!



And she showed me her boobies,

and I liked them too!



The Louisiana High School

Equivalency Examination...



consists of    

multiple choice questions.



You have three hours.

Good luck to you, sir.



[Knocking  n Window]



- Well, I was born

in a small town -



- And I live

in a small town -



- If I could die

in a small town -



-  r the small communities -



Ben Franklin.



Mama, when did Ben Franklin

invent electricity?



That's nonsense!

I invented electricity.



Ben Franklin is the devil!



I can't believe

you got a   !



l-l-I can't believe

that l-l-I told Mama...



that I got feelings for you.



Well, welcome to your manhood,

Bobby Boucher.



When we get a little more time,

I'll welcome you properly.



Yes, once again, I'm not quite sure

what that means, but...



- [Siren Wailing]

- You know, we should get goin'.



I told the coach that

I'd drive to the game with him.



[Tyres Screeching]



I was with you from two to four

last night. You-You tell them.



- [Brakes Screech]

- [Car Door  pens]



Bobby, your mama got sick this mornin'.

She's in the hospital.



Mama, what have I done?



I'm so sorry, Mama.



Doctors say... they can't figure out

what's wrong with her.



But I know what's wrong.



She got a broken heart

because of me.



Bobby, that's ridiculous.



Everybody else in this town

turn on me at the drop of a hat.



Mama is the only one who really cares

if I live or die.



She my whole world.



Will you just

leave us alone?



She'll be fine, Bobby.

We better get going.



God knows what the team is doing

with just Farmer Fran watching them.



- [Shouting, Indistinct]




[Woman  n P.A.,




- Everybody parties

on the New Year's Eve -



- You really made it look like home.

- - Waiting for the countdown -



- Make a lot of promises

they never keep -



- Party with the lights on -



- How's that, Steve?

- [Brays]



- Holding a glass

of champagne -



- - Everyone having fun -

- [Steve Braying]



- Trying to get out

of the rain -



- Everybody parties

on the New Year's Eve -



- Party with the lights on -



Take a look. The crowd has

never been bigger. You know why?



- Look who's on the television, Mama.

- [TV Continues]



The devil.






- Party on New Year's Eve -



- - Tell me what to see -

- [No Audio]



- The peak of

the holiday season -



- - Everything's all right with me -

- Who there? Who there?



- Bringing in a new year...




Three, two, one!



- Happy New Year!

- Happy New Year, Mama.



...["Auld Lang Syne"]

- My resolution is to

never hurt you again.






- Should auld acquaintance

be forgot -



- - And days of auld lang syne...

- [Crowd Chanting]

Waterboy! Waterboy!



Waterboy! Waterboy!






Bobby Boucher, all these folks

are here tonight...



to tell you that

they're sorry...



that they're sorry

for not supportin' you...



when it meant the most.



But you do have friends,

and one of 'em wants to say somethin'.



Come on.



I am not what you

would call a handsome man.



The good Lord chose not

to bless me with...



with charm, athletic ability

or a fully functional brain.



You see,

you're an inspiration...



to all of us who,

who weren't born handsome...



and charming

and cool and...






- I can't! I can't!

- It's okay.



Bobby, if your mama

could only hear us right now,



we would tell her...



what a fine boy she raised,



and how much your playing football

means to this town.



But she can't hear you,

'cause she's unconscious.



I'm sorry

to disappoint you all,



but please keep

your voices down...



so my mama

can get her rest.



[All Groaning]



Well, wake her ass up!

We gotta win tomorrow!



[Woman  n P.A.,




Mama! Thank God, you're okay.

I'm so sorry.



I was so bad, Mama.

You were right about everything.



- I've been a real knucklehead.

-  h, hush, baby.



You should've seen this

a long time ago.



 h, my word!



- Is that my daddy?

- No, no.



That's a guy I dated

before I met your father.



 h, you could iron

a shirt on his stomach.



Well, that was lust, not love.

Turn the page.



There's your daddy.



- So handsome.

-  h.



Read on.



"Dear Helen."

Who's Helen?



That's my first name, Bobby.






"I have arrived here

in New  rleans.



"It is even more beautiful

than in the picture books.



"I'm sure I'll have

no problem finding work,



"so you can expect my next letter

to contain lots of money.



Your loving husband, Robert."



That's nice, Mama.



"Dear Helen."

That's you.



"I found a job

as a lemonade vendor,



"but sorry,

no money yet.



"New  rleans is

an expensive city.



"Expensive, but fun.

Hope all is well.






"To Whom It May Concern:



"This will be my last letter.



"We have grown apart

over these last six weeks.



"I now have

two loves in my life:



"big-city livin' and

a voodoo woman named Phyllis.



Ciao, Roberto."



He changed his name

to Roberto.



I guess he thought

it was more exotic.



But Mama says that...

I mean, you say that...



Bobby, your daddy didn't

go into no Peace Corps.



He deserted us, baby.



No, no, Mama.




You shouldn't be dredgin' up these

painful memories in your condition.



 h, hush. Your mama's

as healthy as an ox,



and as dumb as one to boot.



I was so scared

you'd abandon me too.



And I made you abandon

all those people who depend on ya.



I hid you away from the world,

Bobby Boucher.



But I can't hog you

to myself no more,



because everyone's seen

how wonderful you are.



-  h, Mama!

- Now.



You go play fool's ball

with your friends.



[Man] Welcome to ABC's coverage

of the Bourbon Bowl.



Good afternoon, everybody.

I'm Brent Musburger,

along with my colleague, Dan Fouts.



And the big story here, Dan, is a game

that's lost some of its lustre...



without its star player,

the waterboy Bobby Boucher.



You know, Red's got a couple

of solid early rounders out there.



I know, but I really wanted to scout

that waterboy. Reminds me of Greg Lloyd.



- Naw. "Zack" Thomas.

- Whatever.



- Is she ready?

- [Clattering]



 h, yeah.

She's more than ready.



Come on, Bobby!

You'll miss the boat!



Let's go, ladies.



[Whistle Blowing]




We are underway!



The opening kickoff

is a beauty!



Holdsworth is gonna bring it out

from nine yards deep.



- Come on.

- [Grunting]



- Yeah!

- [Grunting, Groaning]



Dan, they're showing no respect

for this team without Boucher.



[Fouts] Good reason, Brent.

    yards untouched.



- [Cheering]

- Touchdown, Cougars! They strike first.



[Yelling, Shouting]



- [Whistle Blowing]

- Time running down in the first quarter.



Cougars lead is   - .






Three! Thirty-three!



- [Growling]

- Three! Thirty-three! Hut!



Dan, that quarterback can't even

get the ball off before he's hit.



It's as if they're in

the offensive huddle with him.



- [Laughing]

- [Muttering]



Are you gonna finish

that hot dog, Jimmy?



Ugh! Now I'm not.



[Bobby] Mama, you think

we'll make it on time?



Hang on! I'll show you what

A.J. Foyt taught me.



[Musburger] That's the end of

the half. The Cougars are dominating.



Let's hope the Mud Dogs

can make some adjustments.



- Well, they better, 'cause they suck.

- Mm-hmm.



Anybody got an idea?






- Remember the time Bobby tackled

the referee by mistake?

- [Chuckling]



Yeah, that was pretty funny.



How about the time he tackled

the guy from Louisville...



- And threw him into the stands?

- [All Laughing]



Y'all remember when he intercepted

the ball and his pants fell off?



And then he ran for

the touchdown, bare-assed.



Remember the time Bobby...

[Mumbling Incoherently]



Remember when Bobby Boucher

showed up at halftime and the

Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl?



[Cheering, Shouting]



Hey, sorry about givin' you

so much shit this year.



You're the heart and soul

of this team, Bobby.



And the only one of us

who could've passed that test.



Thank you all so much

for being my friends.



Well, let's wait till later

to hold hands and kiss.

We got a Bowl game to win.



- Right?

- [All Together] Yeah!



- Two, three!

- [All] Mud Dogs! Woof!




In a dramatic turn of events,



Bobby Boucher

just arrived at halftime.



And on a fan boat, Brent. His mother

drove him right into the stadium.



[Players Shouting,




[Crowd Chanting]

Waterboy! Waterboy!



Waterboy! Waterboy!



Waterboy! Waterboy!



Fool's ball's

not for the devil.



It's for my Bobby.



Time to open up

some whoop-ass.



[Cheering, Chanting




Shit, he showed up.

All right, look.



Just relax. Relax. Go in there and

do exactly like we planned. Go, go, go!



This could be the start

of some high drama, folks.



 r are the Mud Dogs

too far behind?



Bobby Boucher

is on defence.



- The Cougars are coming out

from their own    yard line.

- [Quarterback] Hut! Hut!



The pitch.

It's a reverse!



Boucher's not fooled.




Robideaux's got it!



Touchdown, Mud Dogs!






- Boy, Boucher knocked

the poop out of him.

- "Poop"?



[All Shouting]



Slap hands!

Slap hands!



Drink up, now. I want you girls to

sober up. Have faith in my Bobby.



[Musburger] The Mud Dogs are

faced with yet another third and long.



- Hut!

- Grenouille back to pass.



He's gonna be stuffed again!

And the Mud Dogs offence is

still unable to move that ball.



But the way their defence

is fired up, they still have

a shot at winning this game.



Blake, come here. Look.



Now, what if we, uh...




Trust me. Go, go, go, go, go.

[Evil Laughter]



[Musburger] The Cougars lead   -  in

the middle of the third quarter.



- And he takes a knee?

- [Whistle Blows]



- Y'all gonna play or what?

- [Chattering]




How do you all like my new offence?




All right, it's second and   ...



- As the Cougars line up on the ball.

- Hut! Hut!



[Whistle Blows]



What is Red Beaulieu doing,

refusing to play offence?



- Dan, this is bizarre.

- [Dan] No, it's not, Brent.



It's brilliant, because Red is

taking the waterboy out of the game.



By kneeling down

three times and punting,



he's gonna make the Mud Dog

offence try to beat him.



And the way they're playing

today, that's impossible.



[Musburger] Well, the Mud Dog's

most valuable player,



the linebacker they call "the Waterboy,"

is now powerless.



That means Coach Klein will have

to find another way to outfox Red.



- [Whistle Blows]

- [Man] Mud Dogs call a time-out.



- [Cheering, Indistinct]

- Mr Coach Klein. Mr Coach Klein!



Mr Coach Klein!



- Where are you going?

- I was just gonna get a hot pretzel.



Mr Coach Klein, are you afraid

of Red Beaulieu?



[Laughing, Shouting]



I am petrified of him.



Well, why don't you pretend

that Red Beaulieu...



is somebody that

you're-you're not afraid of.



- Pretend?

- Yes.



Visualize somebody

you're not afraid of.



- And then attack, like you told me.

- I'll try.



Well, he's right over there.






Little baby.






Hello, little baby.

[Baby Talking]



A poo-poo?

Do you have a poo-poo?






 kay. Now.



This is what we're gonna do.

He's gonna come here...



[Chattering, Shouting]



Come and get

this one, Cougars.



Red,   ! Hike!




Snap to Grenouille. A reverse!



No, it's a double reverse!

 h, what a block!



And Boudier springs free!



Trouble! Lateral!

Got him! What a play!



Grenouille to the   !

To the   ! To the  !



- Touchdown, Mud Dogs!

- [Fouts] Well, well, well.



I guess Coach Klein does have

a few tricks up his sleeve after all.



What the hell...

What the hell is this? Huh?



We go from a championship

football team to a bunch of dogs!



Right now, we're going to go down to

the sidelines and our man, Lynn Swann.



Swannie, what do

you have for us?



I'm with Vicki Vallencourt,

who's taking over...



Bobby Boucher's water duties

for this important game.



 h, I'm not takin' over.

I'm just tryin' not to screw up too bad.



Well, let me ask you this.

What's your prediction for

the rest of this ball game?



Mud Dogs are gonna win,

   to   .



That's very interesting.

How'd you come up with that guess?



Guess? That ain't no guess!

That's what it's gonna be.



-  kay. That's fine.

-  h! Be careful down there, Swannie.



All right.

Meaney. Where's Meaney?



- Meaney?

- Here, Coach.



- Get in there and let's see if

that waterboy can stop you.

- Yes, sir!



Red is sending his best defender in

as a running back?



What do you make of this, Dan?



Well, Brent, he's gotta find

some way to neutralize the waterboy.



He probably thinks that Meaney

will just pound it in there like

Fridge used to do for the Bears.



Hey, Waterboy! Is your girlfriend

gonna save you again?



 h, no, sir. I'm gonna take matters

into my own hands.



- You'll see.

- Bring it to the hole!

Your ass is mine! Whoo!



Whoo! Whoo!



You sound like a...

a big choo-choo train.







Power bomb, compliments

of Captain Insano.



- Let's go fight

with your might...



All right, field goal.

Field goal. Go.



- Derek. Derek!

- Yeah.



Visualize the attack.

Go kick the ball. Kick it.



- Hut!

- [All Grunting]



How you doin', boy?




No, no, no!




[Cheering, Shouting]






[Players Shouting,




What the hell is that?



Where the hell is... What the hell

is he up to? That ain't in here! Huh?



- [Cheering]

- Hey!




Down by ten late in the fourth quarter,



Coach Klein

opts for the field goal.




Then they have to hope for the onside

kick and a touchdown to tie the game.



Dan, look what we have here.

Boucher's in the game as a blocker.



Last game of the year, Brent.

Can't hold anything back now.






The snap. It's a fake!



Boucher's out in front!

A great block!



- [Grunting]

- And a second one!



Touchdown, Mud Dogs!



- Boucher led him all the way!

- [Screaming] Yeah!



Red Beaulieu

is steaming, Dan.



Brent, he sees his

perfect season slipping away.



The Cougar's lead

is down to three.



[Cheerleaders Cheering,




The Mud Dogs need the ball back if

they're gonna have a shot at overtime.



And Bobby Boucher is

now on the kickoff team.



- Last game of the year, Brent.

Can't hold anything back now.

- I know.



- [Horns Blaring]

- Who's it gonna be?



Who's it gonna be?

Who's it gonna be?




 h, yeah. There's my bitch.



[Musburger] Remember,

the ball must travel ten yards.



It's loose!



- Mud Dogs football! Mud Dogs football!

- All right!



Mama, I got the football!

I got it...



 h, what a vicious hit!

That was a cheap shot.



-  h!

- [Murmuring]



- [Whistle Blowing]

- [Fouts] And what a dumb penalty.



That puts the Mud Dogs

in field goal range for the tie.



- Dan, I'm not sure that Boucher

is able to get back up.

-  h, my baby!



It's still cold.




- [Chattering]

- Excuse me.  ut of my way.



Dan, you hate

to see this happen.



Now, that's

high quality H  .



- [Cheering]

- [Vicki] You go on, now!

Make it happen, Bobby!



The waterboy

just needed some water.



- Wow, Dan. You think that up

all by yourself?

- Shut up, Brent.



- [Shouting, Yelling]

- Are you okay?



He tried to open up a can

of whoop-ass on me. I wouldn't let him.



Listen, I have an idea for the last

play. You haven't done this before.



All right? The offence

is gonna line up like this.



- Yeah.

- You're gonna be right here.




There'll be no tie here today.



Coach Klein is sending

his offence back on to the field.



He's going for

the win right now.



[Fouts] Yeah, this is

a real gutsy call, Brent.



He'll either be a hero

or a goat because of this.



[Musburger] And Dan,

Bobby Boucher is back on the field.



He is now playing offence!

We know. We know.



Meaney, if they give

that Waterboy the football,



I don't care if you

have to stab him!



Do not let him get away.

Do you understand me?



- Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

- Do you understand me? Get in there!







- I'm ready, friend.

- Let's do it, Bobby.



Set! Set!



Forty-three! Set!

Forty-three! Hut, hut!



Touchdown! They win it!

The Mud Dogs win it!



Bobby Boucher's the hero! He's gone

from waterboy, Dan, to saviour!



And it's because he didn't

hold anything back!



Well, Swannie's down on the field

with our hero, so let's go to Lynn now!



We did it! I can't believe it!

I can't believe it!



- Vicki, I love you!

- Whoo! I love you, too, baby.



We're the champions!




Mr Coach Klein, you got your manhood!

You got your manhood!



Bobby, congratulations.

You're the M.V.P. of the Bourbon Bowl.



How do you feel?



- I love Mama!

- [Cheering]



- There you go, Bobby!

- Lookin' sharp, Bobby!




You the man, Bobby!



Bobby, I've been dreading

this day for a long time.



- But you got yourself a fine woman.

-  h, thank you, Mama.



Good luck, son.



This is the best day

of my life!



You just wait till tonight.



- What's gonna happen tonight?

- [Chuckles] You'll see.



You can do it!

You can do it all night long!



[Cheering, Shouting]



I'm gonna go do it!



- [Tyres Screech]

- Bobby, it's me!



- Your daddy, Roberto.

- Daddy?



I've seen you on the ESPN

when they was talkin' about

you being drafted by the NFL.



Not going to the NFL.

I'm gonna stay in school and graduate.



The hell with school, dopey! Take the

money! You and me could be partners,



- Just like that Tiger Woods

and his daddy.

- [Mama Screaming]



- Uh-oh.

- [Screaming]



- [Grunting]

- [All Gasping]



[Crowd Cheering]



- Nice hit, Mama.

- Thanks, baby.



Now, you go on and have

some fun becoming a man.



- I don't remember

what day it was -



- I didn't notice

what time it was -



- All I know is that

I fell in love with you -



- And if all my dreams

come true -



- I'll be spending time

with you -



- Every day's a new day -



- In love with you -



- With each day

comes a new way -



-  f loving you -



- Every time

I kiss your lips -



- My mind starts to wander -



- And if all my dreams

come true -



- I'll be spending time

with you -



- I love you more today

than yesterday -



- But not as much as tomorrow -



-  h, I love you more today

than yesterday -



- But, darling, not as much -



- As tomorrow -



- Tomorrow may see springtime

just a day away -



- Day away -



- Cupid, we don't need you now

Be on your way -



-  n your way -



- Thank the Lord

for love like ours -



- That grows ever stronger -



- And if all my dreams

come true -



- I'll be spending time

with you -



-  h, I love you more today

than yesterday -



- But not as much as tomorrow -



-  h, I love you more today

than yesterday -



- But, darling, not as much -



- As tomorrow -



- Every day's a new day -



- Every time I love ya -



- Every way's a new way -



- - Every time I love ya -

- - Every day -



- - Every day's a new day -

- - Every day -



- - Every time I love ya -

- - Every day -



- - Every way's a new way -

- - Every day -



- Every time I love ya -



- - Every time I love ya -

- - Every day -



- Every day -



- - Every time I love ya -

- - Every day -



- Every day -



- - Every time I love ya -

- - Every day -



- Every day...


Special help by SergeiK