Voila! Finally, the The Weather Man
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Nicolas Cage and
Michael Caine movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Weather Man. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
That was refreshing.
Welcome back. I'm Bryant Gumbel.
And I'm Anne Howard. Good stuff today.
We're going to be busy. We've got pop superstar Elton John.
He's going to be with us.
And so, too, will best-selling author Al Franken.
Along with some super-smart fourth graders...
...with a great idea for getting schoolbooks...
...to kids who really need them.
But here's an idea whose time has come.
Why don't we just start with...
...and fill the tart shell.
Bryant, you put some ice cream on our angel food cake...
How much do you want? As much as you like.
What are you laughing about? This is Baked Alaska.
This is supposed to be low-fat. It is!
Did they call?
Someone from the show. The Gumbel show. They didn't call?
Are you sure?
Once again, we're out of time. Thank you. Already?
We still got lots more ahead this morning. We're going to be back...
What's up, dude? Next person in line.
Hey, can I get your autograph? Next in line.
I'm not who you think I am, so...
You're not the weather guy?
I'm not Dave Spritz, no. But I hear that a lot.
You don't have to be a dick.
Look, can you just... All right, I'm just waiting in line.
Bro, I can read your vehicle registration form.
All right, can you give me a break? I just wanted to wait in line.
You're on TV, bro.
You're on TV.
You're on TV, bro. So what? You keep saying that.
So you're on TV, bro.
Go work in a bank or something...
...if you don't wanna be cool to people.
Whatever. Just... Can you get out of my face?
Can you get out of my face?
Asshole. You want to say that to my face?
I thought you wanted me to get out of your face.
People recognize me sometimes.
Some are dicks.
This is the same system that created those strong snowfalls in Minnesota.
It's meant some slightly warmer weather...
...I should cool out a little, I guess.
I mean, I'm not just this two-dimensional guy they recognize.
I do have a relationship to them.
I let them know what they have to deal with.
But listen, these warmer temperatures are not going to last.
This wind system will keep pushing colder air across the Midwest...
I guess that's why they think they know me.
But they don't, really.
...our Spritz Nipper of the week with a high of just .
I'm not a hill of beans.
I have a plan.
Okay, see you then.
What's this afternoon? You're picking up Shelly.
Where? Chicago Dance.
Then you're taking your dad to Northwestern.
At : ?
Do you have that Hello America stuff?
The letter? Yeah.
You have Mike, too. : at the Norris house.
Do they have my cell phone?
Well, they should have all the numbers in case.
And am I supposed to call that guy Dersen?
Didn't he want me to call to touch base?
Dad, can we stop here? What for?
I need a notebook for school.
I'll just walk home.
Can I have some money? You don't have any?
You're years old.
You shouldn't be walking around without money, okay, Shelly?
You're not a kid.
How's your mom doing? She's good.
Can I have a pack of Lights?
Regulars? The s.
She's doing great.
Little angel. Yeah.
She's doing great.
Who's an angel? Shelly.
Shelly is grossly overweight and unhappy.
I'm concerned about her, as I am Michael.
David. Yeah, Dad.
Would you get me a paper...
...for the way back, Son? Yeah.
Yes. I'll see you then.
It's getting cold. Yeah.
What's the Nipper this week? Thursday.
Thursday's the Nipper? All right.
Yeah, can I get some change?
Can I just get some quarters? I just need a quarter for a paper.
All right. I'll get something then.
No, it says $ . .
After the whole everything, it's $ . .
Where's the paper, David?
I didn't have enough money.
You bought a coffee.
What? You bought a coffee.
Yeah, that, and then I didn't have enough money after.
I didn't have enough money after I bought the coffee, so...
You should carry more than $ David.
You're a grown man.
Let me just move this letter from Hello America.
My father is Robert King Spritzel.
He won the National Book Award when he was .
And the Pulitzer when he was .
President Carter called him a national treasure.
They played racquetball in a regular game.
He was a great writer.
But what was the cost?
Did he neglect his family?
No, he didn't.
He was a fine father.
More than that, really.
It's fruitless for Shelly to be dancing.
She should find another interest that would be more rewarding to her...
...that she can take more from, David.
We've talked about that. Well, you should do something, Son.
We've tried a couple things. We'll keep trying, so...
I think that was an overreaction on Noreen's part.
I don't think he has a problem with pot.
How's the weather business?
...I had encouraged Shelly to explore some other activities and interests.
She picked archery.
So I took her to an archery range in Bolingbrook.
It was a -minute drive.
We purchased a junior bow-arrow kit...
...and a leather wrist/forearm guard.
Okay, we'll take that.
And private lessons.
All right, Shelly.
You take that one...
...and go right ahead.
All right. Okay, just remember...
...pull it straight back, parallel to your ear, okay?
You can do it, Shelly.
We purchased a five-pack lesson plan.
We haven't been back.
Can you pick up Mike at the mall on North?
I thought he was at a friend's house. Paul Norris.
They went to the mall. He just called me.
He finished his rehab. Okay.
That's one of my counselors. In your program?
Don Boden. He's pretty nice.
He swears all the time, though. Swears?
Yeah. To relate, I guess. But he's pretty nice.
What are you guys doing? Looking for clothes.
You're just looking for clothes.
Yeah. That's great.
I'm looking for clothes.
This is Paul. What's up?
It's cold today.
Yeah. Yeah, no kidding.
What is it, like, or something?
Yeah, like .
Yeah, I like this. It's good-looking.
Yeah, I've been looking for something like this.
Chuck it in here.
What? Chuck it in.
I'm loading up. I got a discount card. I'll get it for you.
That's all right. Mike, big deal.
I can get it. Bro, I got a serious discount.
It's gonna cost, like, $ .
I'm gonna take off. Nice to meet you. You, too.
That's my dad. I'll see you later.
Sure. I'll catch you later.
Who's that? Don Boden.
Who's Don Boden? He's one of my counselors.
That's a nice sweater. Thanks.
I'll walk you up.
Hi. Thanks for getting Mike.
Hey, how was your thing? It was good.
I'll see you, Dad. Okay, Mike.
I think he's gonna be okay. Well, we'll see.
I got a feeler from Hello America.
What? I got a feeler.
Dales is leaving it. I might get called to audition.
If I get called. That's good.
What about the kids?
It's just a shot in the dark, that's all.
Well, thanks for getting Mike.
I had to take my dad to Northwestern for a test...
...so I was right there, anyway.
Oh, is he okay? I think so. It was just a test.
Are you okay?
Fuck! What are you doing?
I was just... You turned into it.
I think you cracked the glass.
So do you have everything you need?
Yeah, we got everything.
We'll pare it down to three applicants after we watch the tapes.
We'll call if you're one, Dave. Okay, Mark.
It's nice to make your acquaintance.
You, too. Take care. Hey, weatherman!
All right. Bye.
What happened? I got hit with a Frosty.
Why did you get hit with a Frosty? What is a Frosty?
A Frosty is a shake from Wendy's.
Why would someone throw a shake at you?
That happens sometimes. People throw shakes at you?
Stuff. People throw stuff at me sometimes...
...if they don't like me, or something.
They don't know you.
But you just read the weather.
Well, I predict it.
You don't have a degree in meteorology.
I make suppositions, or I...
What are you doing?
I walked over. You walked? It's freezing.
I have lymphoma, David.
I have lymphoma.
Doctor Pritch called. What?
I was having tremors. That's the reason that I went in.
Pritch read my scans.
What's the prognosis? Well, it's not good.
We'll talk about it this week. I wanted to tell you.
I'll call you after I've talked to Pritch again.
I'll drive you home.
I like the fresh air.
Well, I'll walk back with you. No, that's okay.
Every couple months, someone throws something at me...
...a shake, a burrito once.
Why? My name, partly, I guess.
I changed it for professional reasons.
My first station manager suggested it.
He said it sounded refreshing and that they wanted that quality.
That may be true, but it's also annoying. I know that.
What kind of name is Spritz?
It's a bullshit name. It's a TV name.
Well, I like him. He's handsome.
He's an asshole.
I don't like his face.
His asshole face.
The other thing, my job is very easy.
Two hours a day, basically reading prompts.
I make $ a year...
...which are, you know, not comfortable for me...
"Four score and seven years ago..."
"...our fathers brought forth, on this continent..."
Also, it makes other things easy, being on TV.
I receive a large reward for pretty much zero effort and contribution.
The shakes and stuff are a reaction to that, I think.
What must you think of me?
Your non-meteorologist, yet weatherman...
...frosty-taking, fuck-happy son.
Don't die yet, Robert. Give me time to get it together.
Give me a little while.
Let me get the Hello America job. I can get it together.
Two for High Water.
I got mine, Don. No, it's cool. I got it.
Tricia's a bitch.
She's a little cunt.
I hate that little cunt.
I'd like to burn her.
Today's the company party. I thought I'd take the kids.
Well, Mike is out.
Shelly's home? She's walking Jackson.
Where do you want to take them? The rink. WCH.
I didn't know you were coming. I always come to these...
...when I can.
I have some time this week if you want to go back up to Bolingbrook.
What's in Bolingbrook? Sportsman's. The archery range.
Okay. Okay? You wanna go?
Okay, I remember it.
Well, do you wanna go back up?
What's gonna happen?
What are we gonna do here?
Ladies and gentlemen, on your marks!
Let's go team Spritz!
Go! Go! Go!
Just keep up, Shell. Come on. I'm trying to.
We should finish.
We're last. We're way last.
There's a lesson here. Let's finish.
Hon, you can do it. You can finish. Okay?
I don't want you to quit. It's gonna mean a lot to Dad. Okay?
That's my girl. That's it.
Good. I'm proud of you.
Yay! That was great!
Hon. Hon, you okay?
You shouldn't have made me finish!
That was like yards you made me go.
I'm not a football-jocker.
Just... We got tangled up in a sack.
What happened? She tore her ACL.
These fucking crutches are too long!
What did you say? Shelly!
Well, what were you doing? It was a picnic.
And she tore something? ACL. MCL.
Dave! Well, we didn't go bungee jumping!
It was a fucking potato-sack race!
That's where she got it. What?
"Fucking" this. "Fucking" that.
No, I never said that around her.
You don't know you have, Dave, because you don't pay attention!
Just fuck that, Noreen. You know... Dave.
What? Step back.
Step back? Step back.
What are you talking about, Russ?
Russ... Step back right now.
Fuck you, right now. Fuck you, Spritz.
Fuck you, fat asshole!
David, what are you doing?
I'm talking to my wife! I'm talking to Noreen...
...and this clown, whose business this isn't.
You call me a dildo, it is my business, Spritz.
You are a dildo, pork-fuck. You porker!
Why don't you go?
Why are you here? Are you okay?
I came to talk to Noreen.
Dave, come on. I will talk to you later.
Dave, what's going on, Son? It's nothing. Just...
Why are you here, anyway?
I came to talk to Noreen about an issue concerning Shelly.
Well, you can talk to me. I'm her parent, too. So? What?
Shelly dresses in clothing not appropriate for her...
All kids wear... Dad, it's a different generation.
They call her camel toe.
What? Are you aware of that?
That her colleagues call her camel toe.
What are you talking about?
It means the crease in her vagina...
...that they can discern through her clothing.
What? Camel toe.
Yeah, I heard you. I mean, how do you know they do that?
I heard it.
I picked Shelly up on Wednesday, heard taunting, the older boys calling it.
You might have heard wrong. No, I heard camel...
Okay, okay, look. I'll deal.
I want to get her through this ACL thing.
I'm gonna take her shooting.
I'm gonna reapply her there.
I'm gonna get her talking to me. I'm gonna get to her...
...and I'm gonna work it out.
A camel toe is pretty much what Robert said it was.
It's basically just when you can make out more than you should.
But it's the kind of thing...
She's you know?
If you're around and paying attention, you catch it...
...then name-calling doesn't start, and maybe smoking doesn't start.
And maybe she can just stay a happy kid for a couple more years.
She shouldn't be unhappy.
Fuck. What did she ever do to anybody? Shelly.
Noreen, I was thinking...
...this pushing and pulling...
...the tug-of-war we do sometimes...
...it's not good for the kids.
Noreen, let's see somebody. Work it out. Let's...
Are you okay?
I got hit with a pop! What?
A Big Gulp.
Man. Are you okay? Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay. So...
...what I was saying...
We're going to begin with some trust-building exercises.
The Buddy Drop. Up on your feet. Let's go.
Dave, Noreen. Center circle.
Now, Noreen, you're just gonna let yourself go...
...and Dave is gonna catch you.
Just go back? Yeah. Cross your arms up front.
Now? Whenever you're ready.
Good. Very good.
All right, Teresa, Mark. You're up.
Now I want you to name something...
...that you did that affected your partner...
...and that you're not proud of.
I had this thing with porno on the computer, sort of.
I got a little preoccupied...
Actually, I want you to write it down, not say it.
I want you to put it on the paper that you got for a reason.
Now make sure it's something the other person doesn't know about...
...that they don't know.
Then you are going to give it to the other person...
...and the other person is never going to look at it.
I thought Dave's science-fiction novel, or whatever it was...
...was stupid and sucked...
...and was a waste of time.
It was embarrassing. Four years?
Well, I thought that went pretty well.
It wasn't science fiction, just so you know.
What? It wasn't science fiction.
What are you talking about? Did you even read it?
No. One of the side characters was a scientist...
...but that's not even important... God damn it, Dave. God damn it!
What? I'm just asking, did you ever even read it?
It was hard to read. It was poorly written.
You're an asshole. God.
You are a champion asshole.
You're a real blue-ribbon fuck!
I just wanna make it work, Noreen.
I just want to know everything, so I can make it work. That's why I...
I want to try again. I'm not going back. You fucked it up.
I mean, our marriage.
I want to try again.
You know, Dave, you can't even...
You looked at it. That's dishonest. It's crappy.
Noreen. Hey, should I look at yours?
That's all right.
No. No, no, Noreen...
"Throughout marriage BJ's lacked enthusiasm."
"Had difference of opinion over how important that was."
"I thought very."
You know what, Dave?
You want to know why my BJ's lacked enthusiasm?
I hated you.
I hated your hair.
I hated your ugly legs, your forearms.
I hated kissing your lips, Dave. Okay?
And that's why I lacked enthusiasm when your cock was in my mouth.
Shelly, it's cold.
Your father said it was going to be degrees today, but...
Go ahead. I'll see you later.
How did it go?
I'll call you tomorrow. Go ahead in.
Did you start my novel yet?
Breaking Point. Did you start that?
No, I haven't yet, Son. I've been preoccupied.
Well, that's good, actually.
I want to make some changes, so...
I'll give you the new one.
What did he say?
It's further bad news.
The metastatic plane was too wide for radiation.
He suggested I see a Dr. Frost in New York for clinical trials.
I got a feeler from Hello America.
They're looking at guys, but they'll be cutting down to three soon.
It's a possibility.
The salary's great. It's real strong.
It would mean moving...
...but I'd like to move everybody, you know?
Renew things with Noreen.
We've been seeing somebody.
Let the kids start over in New York.
Keep them away from some of the bad influences here that...
Just get a fresh start.
I think that would be great.
That would be terrific. Yeah.
You could rededicate yourselves, knuckle down.
It's a Big Gulp.
You should say, "We might see some snow..."
"...but it might shift south, miss us."
I can say it, but I sort of wanna understand it.
Why is it?
Well, it's Canadian trade winds.
Behind all of it?
Yeah, this will get pushed by wind out of Canada.
So what's it gonna do? I don't know.
It's a guess.
It's wind, man. Blows all over the place.
For some reason.
I don't know.
I went back to Bolingbrook.
I bought a three-month lesson plan.
Hang on. Before you do that, you know...
...let's go out here and do a little stretching exercises.
You got to rotate your...
We warm up...
...then do basic focus drills, stuff you never think about.
Like closing an eye without moving your face...
...because your face is the anchor point for your hand...
...that allows you to focus.
You have to keep your triangle against a lot of force.
We do draws for a half hour, then releases.
That's called "loosing," when you release.
Great shot! All right!
...but that one good shot leaves you thinking...
...you might be catching on.
Do you lift weights?
What's that? Do you lift weights?
Cardio? Yeah, you have to do both.
Are you on any kind of a program?
Yeah, our gym coach gave us a program.
That should be good. Yeah.
You know what would be interesting? What?
We should take some pictures. Some shots, like...
...some now, some in a month or whatever...
...see if you're making gains.
I've got my mom's Nikon.
Whip your shirt off. Whip my shirt off?
This is great, man.
We can compare this shit.
That's a Nikon FM?
Well, yeah. You know something about cameras?
Yeah. I took a class at Parker.
A couple more.
My dad's gonna get the F for me...
...if I can finish the program and maintain a B average.
It's like a $ camera. I'm psyched about it.
I could loan that to you.
I could loan that shit to you if...
...you wanted it earlier.
This is gonna go a lot better.
Because I got you some bobtail arrows. They're easier.
Well, they're thicker at the ends.
See? They taper toward the nock.
What's the nock? The arrow end.
What was I using before? Chested arrows.
That guy didn't know what he was doing.
What? Fix your arrow in.
That's the term.
Arrow makers were called fletchers. That's where the last name came from.
Here. There's a little bit of a...
It takes a little while. Right there, right below the nock.
Okay, let's loose a few.
Let's show our stuff.
Aim about a half-foot above.
Okay. You wait till you're steady.
Are you aligned? Yeah.
Okay. Let it go.
Come on, Shelly. Get your arrow.
We probably didn't home long enough.
That's the pause between drawing back and firing.
Let's pause a little longer.
Are you just not interested? Yeah.
Yeah, you're not interested? Or, yeah, you are interested?
Yeah, I'm not. Really.
What was it you liked? Let's think of it that way.
What interested you when you thought about archery?
When you wanted to do it.
I don't know. Going hunting or something.
For animals? Yeah.
You wanna shoot animals with arrows?
Yeah. You do?
Yeah, to kill them.
But that's not archery. That's hunting.
That's called bowhunting. That's what you wanted to do?
Bowhunting? Yeah, I saw it on TV.
Well, I don't really wanna kill animals with arrows...
...so that's not going to happen. We can target shoot, Shelly.
It's not fun. It's a lot of fun.
You have to apply yourself. Targets don't move.
Well, you know, Shelly...
...you haven't really hit one yet.
You should support me.
I do support you. I support.
All right, forget it. Take your bracer off.
We're not shooting anymore. Okay.
There's a chance I might be going to New York.
A small chance.
You think you'd like to come, maybe, if I go?
We could maybe go with Poppop.
He's got some tests. Yeah.
You don't look real good, Dad.
Are you okay? Yeah.
What are you doing out here? Just sitting here.
Sometimes I just sit here and look at the house.
You park here sometimes? Yeah. Sometimes.
I just like to see you guys. I see you playing guitar up there.
Sounds good. Thanks.
You know, Poppop... Yeah.
...he's sick. Mom said.
I was thinking about that, too.
Why do you have a bow and arrow in there?
I was just out with Shelly. I'm not playing favorites.
I just think we need to be together for a while.
Yeah, that's okay.
How's your program going? Great.
You're gonna get that camera if you keep it up!
Look at this house.
Someone should be happy here.
How did I fuck this up?
What if I remembered the tartar sauce? Would things be different?
Would Robert die not thinking I'm a jerk-off...
Don't forget the tartar sauce.
Just call the order in, Noreen...
...and quit busting my you-know-what, okay?
You always half-listen to what I'm saying to you!
I heard you. Tartar sauce.
Tartar sauce. Tartar sauce. Tartar sauce.
Tartar sauce, tartar sauce, tartar sauce, tartar sauce.
Man, how I'd like to put my face in there.
Right in there. Tartar sauce.
My hips are cold. Tartar sauce.
That's when you know it's cold.
I like eating pussy. Tartar sauce.
A lot of guys don't. Well, maybe they do.
Maybe that's just black guys. Tartar sauce.
What happened to the guy who was trying to go around the world...
...in a balloon? Did he make it?
I should put some espionage...
...or stolen plutonium in my novel. Tartar sauce.
Spice it up. Neil Young. Fuck, it's cold!
Neil Young? Why am I thinking about Neil Young?
Neil Diamond. Neil. There's not a lot of famous Neils.
Is this Wednesday? I wish I had two dicks.
I thought the whole family was going to learn Spanish together this year.
That never really happened.
I haven't had a Spanish omelet in a long time.
Here we go.
Where is the tartar sauce?
They were out. They apologized.
They were cool about it. They were out?
They were out. They were out of tartar sauce?
I'm calling them.
It's not about the tartar sauce. It's about you. You don't care!
I don't care about tartar sauce!
I'm trying to make a living for this family.
I've got work things to think about and pressure.
Tartar sauce? Fuck, Noreen, are you serious?
You are so selfish!
I would do anything for you...
Everything you say is right. ...as if we're not happy.
I'm trying to take care of the family. You come in here, looked in my face...
...and you lied to me, Dave.
Do you think I'm a moron? "They're out."
We both just think it's better for the kids.
David, sacrifice is...
To get anything of value, you have to sacrifice.
I know that, Dad. But I think if we continue down this road...
...it's going to be too detrimental for the kids.
It's just too hard.
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do...
...are usually the same thing?
Nothing that has meaning is easy.
Easy doesn't enter into grown-up life.
I'm not comfortable with an -degree variance.
Why even forecast? It's a technical art...
...not a science. People get that.
Let's narrow it down, Tim. Dave, it's random.
We do our best.
A day can have that variance.
Dave, phone call. Tell him to take a message.
It's Hello America.
Can we shop here?
Sure. Where is that?
Bendel. All right.
You know what? Let's go for a walk. Take a break.
You don't like it?
No, maybe we'll come back later. We'll just take a break.
So how's everything going? Good.
How's school? Good.
Dance school? Good.
You know, when I was in school...
...I guess the hardest thing was how other kids can be a little mean.
Names and stuff.
Do you ever get called names?
I don't know, like "dummy" if you miss a question...
...or "Camel toe."
Yeah. Camel toe.
Do you know why?
Why you get called camel toe?
Because camel toes are tough.
They can walk all over the desert and all the hot rocks.
That's right. It's because they're tough.
You ready to shop again?
I think they make car tires out of camel toes.
Yeah, I think I heard that.
I just think you're more grown-up than that other stuff.
I don't think I like it.
But that was sort of kid stuff.
I like this dress. It's New York style.
Let me see.
You like it? I like it. Yeah.
Do you like it?
Yeah, I think I do.
Do you feel comfortable in it? Because, you know, that's the thing.
Yeah, it's comfy.
You look great.
You look all grown-up.
Okay, change. Let's get some more.
Sure, and then we'll go show Poppop some of this stuff.
Check this out. That's nice, hon.
I know. I got a lot more, too!
How are you feeling? I'm all right.
Mike got arrested.
He fucked his drug counselor's car up. They were on their way to a movie.
Mike said he was trying to suck him off.
Then Mike chucked a rock through his car's passenger window.
What is this sucking and chucking rocks?
I mean, what is this?
What did the guy say?
He said Mike tried to jack his wallet.
What is this sucking and chucking and jacking and fucking-up, Son?
He's years old!
What is this shit?
Where is he? He's at home.
What is this?
Are you ready for the doctors?
Got you! You're dead.
I think just what he said happened, happened.
I think the guy was trying to make a move on him...
...and Mike got surprised and scared.
Hon, will you get me a pop from the pop machine?
Can you get your pop later?
I'm trying to send Shelly away so she doesn't have to hear this.
This guy says that Mike tried to steal his wallet...
...and that's why they were fighting when the police came.
How is he? He's scared. I don't know.
I can come home.
No, stay there and do your Hello America thing.
You act like... What?
Like Mike's in trouble...
...'cause I'm interviewing at Hello America. Give me a break!
I don't have any money.
Russ is helping anyway.
That dildo's what? He's been a big help, okay?
You can stay there.
Fine. I'll stay here with camel toe.
You just take care of stuff there! You take care of it!
Camel toe? What are you talking about?
I had to find out how kids taunt Shelly about that...
...and you're letting her get taunted.
You're not paying attention to the way she goes to school!
I take care of everything around here.
Well, I bought her new stuff.
I bought her a bunch of brand new stuff...
...and she told me all kinds of stuff, so... Don't be such a dick.
You have her for one weekend.
You know what, Noreen? Just...
Fuck! Whatever. Let me talk to Mike.
He's sleeping, and don't talk to me like that.
More dildo, more fucking...
Listen, I have to go, Noreen. I'll talk to you soon.
I thought you were trying to improve matters with Noreen...
...if not reconcile.
I am. What did Frost say?
He wants to speak to me in about minutes.
It was cold in there.
Would you get me a coffee, Dave? So I can warm up.
Hi. $ . .
Poppop went in?
Yeah. Great. Yeah. He wanted a coffee.
Do you have my wallet?
You only had $ .
You should carry more money than that.
Well, did he say whether any more therapy could...
No, he didn't have a different opinion than Pritch.
There's too large a plane.
It's a no-go.
Well, did he say... He said months.
Did he say a lot of months? Well, what's a lot?
I don't know, like .
Well, if he meant he probably would've said a year, Son.
I think he meant three or four.
Well, you have a big day tomorrow.
The Hello America show.
...and here comes the grand marshal, Dave Spritzel.
Didn't his name used to be Spritz?
Yeah, it sure did...
...but he changed it back to the original Spritzel.
Why the change, Ed?
Well, when you're national, there's no more up.
So he changed it back...
...like John "Cougar" Mellencamp. He's realer now and more authentic.
Who's that with him? Those are the wife and kids.
Didn't they used to have a real fucked-up relationship?
Not anymore. That's something else that changed.
It seems Hello America with Byrant Gumbel...
...gave them all a fresh start...
...and an increase in salary to $ outside promotional fees...
...which puts Dave well over $ million a year.
That got his wife's ear, I bet. You bet. That buys a lot of face time.
Now everything's great.
Did he say that? Yeah, he told me that.
What are your hobbies?
And you don't have a degree in meteorology?
Well, listen. We've seen a lot of your work in Chicago.
We think you're great, refreshing.
We love the Spritz Nipper.
Why don't we run some blue screen, and we'll do a walk-through on the set?
Here's your station. We'll run some screen.
Give me a second to set it up.
I'm waiting for Mark. I'm running some screen.
You look just a little bit nervous.
It's not nerves.
Other shit. Yeah.
...mild in the Northwest.
As this high-pressure system gives way...
...we'll see warm temperatures in New Mexico...
I know it's not neurosurgery...
...but green screen is the one part of my job that's not really easy.
... in New York with colder temperatures west to Michigan...
You need a sense of where put-ons will come from...
...and a pretty strong sense of scale.
...there are travel advisories in New Orleans and Atlanta.
It's pretty heavy weather...
I've gotten real good at it.
I thought everything went over pretty well.
So we'll let you know in a couple of days.
This is my father, Robert Spritzel, and my daughter.
We're a little late for our plane...
...so we thought we'd leave from here.
Yeah, I'm sorry. We kept you late. That's cool.
So you've got the numbers? Yes.
There's a built-in with Purina I forgot. $ .
What's a built-in? It's a compulsory endorsement...
...if I'm offered the job.
Dog food? Yeah. Pet products.
Dave doesn't own a pet.
Well, I have Jackson.
Jackson lives with your wife and kids.
We'll let you know.
Russ is here. Okay.
Where's Mike? Inside.
Dave. Hi, Russ.
He's upstairs. He's still pretty upset about it.
Did he talk about it? Yeah.
To you? He's told us what happened.
He was with his counselor, Don Boden. I guess he...
I don't really know why what happened next happened.
He was talking about my son, and I was taking my gloves off.
Apparently, they were going to a movie...
What the fuck? Why are you here?
What are you doing? Why are you here?
I'm helping Noreen! Why are you helping?
Dave. Son. Jesus.
Here's something that...
...if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck...
...don't slap a guy across the face with a glove.
Because if you do that, that's what he will think...
...unless you're a nobleman or something in the th century...
...which I'm not.
You can get inside okay, Dad? Yeah.
"When my back's against the wall, I order a chink call-girl..."
"...or I box some rounds with Richie..."
"...the Puerto Rican southpaw at Clancey's gym."
"But tonight, Roy thought..."
"...once I smuggle this fucking plutonium out..."
"...I'm just going to drink some Scotch and hit the sack."
"Roy had picked up Oliver at his science lab..."
"...and there he snagged the vials."
"He stashed them in his computer case..."
My mom discovered an idea known as a living funeral...
...in a book she read to help her with Robert dying.
It's where someone's family and friends gather...
...like they might at the person's funeral...
...only when the person's alive, so they can see everybody.
Hey, what's up? What's up?
Hey, what's the Nipper?
What's that? What's the Nipper this week?
I don't know.
You don't know yet?
Come on, man.
What? I just asked you about the Nipper.
Monday, okay? That's the... Okay?
What's your problem? It's February, man. It's cold.
Fuck you, then. Fuck you!
Do you know what variance is?
You think you could pick out a day...
...a week ahead and give a realistic... You know?
Did you know that? Weatherman!
I have kids!
I have to go see my kids!
You put fucking pie shit on my coat!
I have to see my kids with pie on me, man?
Go see your kids with shit on you!
Hey, calm down, man!
I have to see my family!
I have to see...
Hello? Hello? Dave?
What? It's Mark Dersen from Hello America.
Take care. Okay.
Shelly looks nice.
We bought that in New York.
Yeah, I know. That's why I said it.
It's very nice.
Noreen, I got offered the show. Hello America with Bryant Gumbel.
Well, that's great.
Are you gonna take it? I'm thinking about it.
It's a pretty substantial salary, and you know the venue. It's big.
It's a pretty big salary jump, I guess.
$ . million all in, Noreen.
Can we think about that?
What that kind of change could be like for everybody.
Mike, Shelly, you know?
If we thought about trying again.
Dave, I'm marrying Russ.
Accuracy equals focusing on a point.
Gravity pulls an inch a yard.
You point up.
But you have to factor in wind...
...which is the most difficult part.
I had to go in anyway.
It was time for my speech.
And that's what I know about Robert Spritzel.
Forbearance, charity, wisdom.
There are too few like him.
And now Robert's son, David.
Many of you came from long distances...
...and I know I speak for my mom and Noreen...
...and my family, Mike and Shelly, when I say thank you.
When I think of my dad, I think of Bob Seger's Like a Rock.
And then the power went out.
Then, when the lights came back on in minutes...
...everyone had pretty much forgotten that I was talking...
...and we never finished that part of the thing.
So my speech was, "When I think of my dad..."
"I think of Bob Seger's Like a Rock."
That's all I said at my dad's living funeral...
...something about Bob Seger.
You've reached - . Please leave a message.
Dave, it's Mark Dersen from Hello America.
Can you give me a call back? I called a couple of times Friday...
...and I'm wondering why you haven't called me back.
If I need to move down on my list, look, I need to know. Okay?
It's not "Hello, you know, whatever, Orlando."
Look. I'm still jacked about you, Dave.
I just need to hear from you. Give me a call.
Your phone's ringing.
Why aren't you getting it?
It's the Bryant Gumbel thing.
So why aren't you getting it?
Did you bring that stuff?
It's by the door.
You should get it.
It was a McDonald's hot apple pie.
They're not kidding.
It was hot.
The other thing that gets to people...
...that leads to pies, I guess...
...are these catch phrases we're required to use...
...to single the program out.
It gets under people's skin.
But the whole thing about all of it...
...all the getting hit with stuff...
...the whole thing is, who gets hit with a fucking pie, anyway?
Did anyone ever throw a pie at Thomas Jefferson?
Or Buzz Aldrin? I doubt it.
But this is like the ninth time I got...
Clowns get hit with pies.
Fuck! I'm Mike's father! Here's your shit!
I saw you buy this at the mall on North Avenue!
And I'm telling the cops, too!
So you can cut your crap about Mike jacking your wallet!
He's just a kid. See!
He looks grown, but he's just a kid!
You fucking asshole.
I mean, I'll bet no one ever threw a pie at, like...
...Harriet Tubman, the founder of the Underground Railroad.
I'll bet you a million fucking dollars.
The first time I was struck with something...
...a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers.
I was standing next to a garbage pail.
I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out.
The second time, it hit me square on the chin...
...a soft taco.
Always fast food.
Shit people would rather throw out than finish.
It's easy. It tastes all right...
...but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment.
I'm fast food.
Did you see him? Yeah.
Am I gonna get in trouble? I didn't do anything.
You're not in trouble. I took care of it.
I got on him.
I let him know we're not messing around.
I whaled on him.
I caught him one clean one for sure, on the forehead...
...and then I fucking whaled on him.
He's not going to say you stole anything, and you're not in trouble.
What are you eating? Corn dog.
You're a kid, Mike. Fuck.
I'm not a kid. You are a kid.
Don't put yourself in grown-up situations again until you're a grown-up.
Do you want me to get you a corn dog? What? No.
What do you want?
Are you all right? Yeah.
I just wanted you to...
I was eighteen.
Didn't have a care.
Working for peanuts.
Not a dime to spare.
But I was lean and solid everywhere.
Like a rock.
I don't really get it.
Am I following it?
It was just a lead up to other things I wanted to say.
Here's the part.
And I held firm.
To what I felt was right.
Like a rock.
I wanted to talk about that part...
That's like you.
I was strong as I could be.
Like a rock.
I got the job.
That's terrific. That's a remarkable income.
That's more money than I ever made, that salary.
That's quite an American accomplishment.
Are you okay?
I can't knuckle down.
Noreen's marrying Russ.
There's nothing to knuckle down on, so...
...I can't fucking knuckle down.
I just saw Mike's counselor.
Mike mentioned that you were gonna fix this business up.
He's in no trouble?
Your hand okay?
You certain? Don't worry.
You always worry about your kids...
...no matter how old.
There's always looking after.
I read your book.
I was going to do some more work on it, then I chucked it.
You chucked it. Garbage.
It's just what I do, David.
I've practiced and I've gotten good.
Like you and the weather business.
But I don't predict it.
Nobody does, 'cause it's just wind. It's wind.
It blows all over the place!
What the fuck?
I have to go to work.
This shit life...
...we must chuck some things.
We must chuck them...
...in this shit life.
There's always looking after.
You have time.
Pretty soon after Robert's living funeral, we had his real one.
I'm sorry for your loss.
That's a lovely thing to say to me.
Where'd you hear that?
I'm glad one of you brought an umbrella.
I had a feeling it was going to rain today.
You're not going to take my job, are you?
No. I'm going to be a cameraman for Monday Night Football.
Is that okay?
Yeah. That's good.
There are a great many of Robert's friends here, even in winter.
I think it's because Robert was unusual.
I think that's what brought so many of you out.
A loving husband and father for years.
And a good friend to some of you for longer.
I'm sure that's why we appreciated and loved Robert.
He was excellent.
I remember once...
...imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like.
I pictured having all these qualities.
Strong, positive qualities...
...that people could pick up on from across a room.
But as time passed...
...few ever became any qualities I actually had.
And all the possibilities I faced, and the sorts of people I could be...
...all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer...
...until finally they got reduced to one...
...to who I am.
And that's who I am...
But first Dave Spritz has the check of our national weather. Dave.
Well, thanks, Bryant. Well, it feels like spring if you're in the Northeast.
Is it gonna last? Let's take a look.
We've got a warm weather system to thank for these high temperatures...
Mike, you ready for school?
Let's go, guys.
You're gonna get it!
Bye, Shelly. Bye, Mom.
That's your national weather. I'll be back with your local focus...
...at the bottom of the hour.
Hey, are you Dave Spritz? Yeah.
Can I get your autograph? Sure.
So is it going to rain today?
Hey, Hello America.
I've been doing the show for a few months.
People don't throw things at me anymore...
...maybe because I carry a bow around.
I don't know.
I go back to Chicago weekends...
...keep it steady with Mike and Shelly...
...come back, do the weather. So... Forecast?
Another man is with my family.
Things didn't work out the way I predicted.
Accepting that's not easy...
...but easy doesn't enter into grown-up life.
I'll take this American accomplishment.
That's where I live...
...behind Fire Brigade 47. Okay.
But in front of SpongeBob.