Wedding Crashers Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Wedding Crashers script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Wedding Crashers. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Wedding Crashers Script





- I don't have custody of the kids.

- Yeah.



- You know what?

- I don't get custody.



It is an insane pathetic joke,

what I've had to go through.



Right now, right now she doesn't know

where the kids are, do you?



- Do not talk about me as a mother.

- Are they at home?



I'm so sick to death of you talking about

me as a mother



- and what I've done wrong!

- They at your sister's? Where...



they're probably at a firehouse

somewhere. She'd just drop 'em off



- with a fireman, you know?

- Do not talk about that!



I am sick of you accusing me

of not being a good mother!



- Are they at home? Are they at home?

- Seven years I've been a good mother!



A perfect mother?

I can't have custody.



Just remember when we went out.

Just remember how you...



Right now. Where is Tim

right fucking now?



Don't you talk about me

being a mother. I hate you!



Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you just kiss my left nut?



- I told you this was a bad idea.

- You know what, Ken?



A bad idea would be to let your client

walk outta here today and drag



this thing out for another year, wasting

more time and wasting more money.



The only good idea is to let

me and John do our job



- and mediate this thing right here.

- You wanna hear the crazy thing?



I know it doesn't feel like it,

but we're making progress.



- Mm-hmm.

- We settled the deal with the cars.



Let's see, that takes us

to frequent flyer miles. We're flying!



- Those are mine.

- I want them.



You know what we're gonna do? We're

gonna split 'em right down the middle.



- How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?

- It would be no-not good at all!



- I earned those miles!

- Yeah, you earned them flying



- to Denver to meet your whore.

- Oh, Lord.



Well, she's not afraid

to express herself sexually



- if that's what you mean.

- She's a stripper, for God's sake!



- She is not!

- Her name is Chastity!



She is white trash!

Same as you.






That's it,

go comatose for me, baby.



You shut your mouth when

you're talkin' to me!



Hold it. This is getting confusing.



You didn't always hate each other.



There had to be some nice moments,

during the courtship, maybe?



- Or the wedding?

- The wedding had to be fun!



- You have your families together.

- You have your decorations.



Families coming together.

That's a nice moment.



- What'd you have to eat?

- Crab cakes.



Are you kidding me? Crab c...

how could you not have a good time



- eating crab cakes? I love 'em.

- Crab cakes, I love crab cakes.



- They're phenomenal.

- And did you have a band?



- Did you have a band? Good or bad?

- Yeah.



Who gives a shit? It's a great band,

it's a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.



- It's good no matter what.

- That's true. You got them...



- There's music in the air!

...playing "Shout" and you hate it.



- Yeah. Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey

- A little bit softer now



- Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey

- Shout now, jump up and shout now.



It's a good time,

do you know what I mean?



- Yeah.

- Rubbin' up against each other,



just a couple of kids who like to fuck,

trying to make it honest. I get it.



Guys, the real enemy here is

the institution of marriage.



It's not realistic, it's crazy!

Hey, don't do this



for the other person.

It's about saying yes to yourself



- and saying yes to your future.

- Say yes.



And have some opportunities for

yourself. I'm sure you'd love



to be free, maybe go out and meet

some Latin guy that can dance,



grind up on you, make you

feel dangerous but also safe.



And how about you? Don't you want

to get inside Chastity



without having to wonder

if everyone's gonna find out?



- God, wouldn't that be sweet?

- Wouldn't that be nice?



And have some Latin guy

sweating all over you,



talking to you in languages

you don't understand,



- needing you, wanting you, taking you?

- All we're trying to say is,



put your swords away

for a second.



Let's finish this

and let's move on.



Get out there and get

some strange ass.



Could you give her a glass

of water so she can take that?



Hey, John, that's weird.

That glass looks half full to me.



Wow, now that you mention it,

it is half full.



He can have the miles.



Nah, sweetie,

you take the miles.



Great. Great! Let's sign

the paperwork and we are done!



This is just semantics. If you guys

want to throw a couple miles at us,



we'll take a couple. The big this is,

is that we're all movin' on.



Could you two just not talk anymore?



Oh, good, you got it.

Is it    % goose down?



- Yes. Why do you need this?

- Are you sure?



I sleep over at John's house

every year for his birthday.



Okay, that's not creepy.



I guess it is a little creepy



when a young man who happens

to be an only child



loses both of his parents

in a tragic accident



one month before his birthday



and then has

a best friend make a vow



that he will never spend

his birthday alone again.



Maybe that would fall under

the category of creepy.



Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.



- That's okay.

- No, you're really sweet.



I've got the perfect girl for you.



Janice, I apologize to you

if I don't seem real eager



to jump into a forced,

awkward intimate situation



that people like to call dating.

I don't like the feeling.



You're sitting there, you're wondering,

"Do I have food on my face?



Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are

they talking enough? Am I interested?



I'm not really interested.

Should I play like I'm interested?



But I'm not that interested,

but I think she might be interested.



But do I want to be interested?

But now she's not interested."



So now, all of sudden I'm...

I'm starting to get interested.



And when am I supposed to kiss her?

Do I have to wait for the door?



'Cause then it's awkward,

it's like "Well, good night."



Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where

you like... you hug each other like this,



and the ass sticks out because

you're trying not to get too close.



Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em

on the lips or don't kiss 'em at all?



It's very difficult trying to read

the situation and all the while



you're just really wondering, "Are we

gonna get hopped enough to make



some bad decisions?" And perhaps play

a little game called "Just the Tip."



Just for a second,

just to see how it feels,



- or "Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair."

- Okay.



Okay, can... can you... can you

put that so he... he can't see it?



And thank you.

Hey, Janice. Great talk.






I gotta see you right away,

it's important.



What's going on?



We've got three really

big weeks ahead of us.



It's wedding season, kid!



You sandbagging

son of a bitch!



I got us down

for    of them already.



Okay, now, how many

of 'em are cash bars?



Great question, love where your head's

at, and two of 'em actually are.



But... I got us covered.



Purple hearts. We won't have

to pay for a drink all night.



Oh yeah, perfect.



We are gonna have tons and tons

of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies



that are so aroused

by the thought of marriage,



that they'll throw their

inhibitions to the wind.



And who's gonna be there

to catch 'em?



Grab that net and catch that

beautiful butterfly, pal!



What do you like better?

Christmas or wedding season?



- Mr. Grey.

- Yes, um, the answer would be, um...



- wedding season?

- Bingo.



I'm gonna go get my suit.

Oh, now who are we this time?



Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet

a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.



Oh, stop.



And as we carry on the tradition

of thousands of years,



we honor the eternal bond



that stretches

through the ages.



I have known this couple

for many years.



Deborah I've actually known

for her entire life.



I was at her house when her parents

brought her home from the hospital,



and I was there the day she graduated

from medical school.



Josh I have known

since his bar mitzvah,



which those of you

who were there



know it was not

a very pretty sight.



But he has pulled himself

together nicely,



and he's grown into a remarkable

young man himself.



- Okay.

- He never got the courage



to ask her out, until    years later.

Josh was in the emergency room,



and he saw Debra again



- and he said to himself...

- Hi.



"Wait! That's the girl

I'm going to marry!"



I now pronounce you

man and wife.



Mazel tov!



Mazel tov, baby! From my family

to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.



 Hava nagila



 Hava nagila



 Hava nagila,

ba ba ba!



Oh my.



You sly son of a bitch.



 Nagila, hava nagila




 Hava nagila, hava...



Does anyone know what

this here is used for?



- Rolling a fatty.

- No, not...



not for...

where'd you learn that?



You want to get

a whole combination.



You gotta get the frostings

in the middle and on the other end.



- Ba-ba ba ba

- That's it, that's it, that's it,



that's it! Come on!



You both look beautiful

up there today,



particularly Debbie in that white

dress. Enjoy it. After tomorrow,



I don't think you're gonna be able to get

away with wearing a white dress.



Here, I'll just pick this off,



I'll go grab

another piece. That's it.



- Ooh!

- Whoa.



In the words of the old country...



- L'chaim!

- L'chaim!



Come here!



I want you to take this note,

bring it to that blonde girl.



Hurry, 'cause I'm

gonna time you. Go!






Who gave this to you?



You know, I saw you

at the wedding.



- And?

- You were crying.



Oh, shit. You weren't

supposed to see that.



Now you probably think

I'm a big pussy.



No, you were so sweet.

Come here.



Look, I knew I was never gonna be

a professional bullfighter,



- but that's not why I did it.

- Weren't you scared?



Can I say yes?



- Sanjay Collins.

- Chuck Vindaloo,



excited to be here.



- Shamus O'Toole.

- Bobby O'Shea.



- And we're gonna get drunk.

- Ha-ha!



 Keep it comin', love,

keep it comin', love...



- Who is that?

- Uh, him.



Uh, I think that's his kid Leonard.

The diabetic.



- Who is that?

- That's Luigi and Gina's



son Christopher.

You know, the banker.



Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny,

the veterinarian.



The French Foreign Legion?



Yeah. We lost a lot

of good men out there.



Wow, really? Mount Everest?



I just don't like to talk about it



because we lost

so many good men out there.






Lost so many

good men out there.



Playing with the Yankees?



Yes, with the Yankees.



You lose good men

to trades and unruly fans.



L... look, I don't want

to talk about it, I'm sorry.



Tattoo on the lower back.

Might as well be a bull's-eye.



You know how they say

we only use   % of our brains?



- Mmm.

- I think we only use   % of our hearts.



I feel so tiny in your arms.




How tall are you?



I'm  ' ", but...



I feel like I'm four feet.



And some poetry,



courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.



 You've been

so good to me



 You know you

make me wanna shout



 Kick my

heels up and shout



 Throw my head

back and shout!



- Kick my heels up and shout!

- Yeah!



- Come on now, take it easy

- Shout! Shout!



- Take it easy! Shout!

- Hey-ay-ay-ay!
























- Hey-ay-ay-ay!

- All right



- Shout! Shout!

- All right



- Shout! Shout! Shout!

- All right! All right!



- The bride!

- Now, wait a minute...



All right let's go,

let's go, let's make a memory!



What are you gonna do for an encore?

Walk on water?



Great guy.

He brung me along, too.



Jesus. Come on! Get in there.

You can do it!



You want that cake!

You don't treat cake like that.



- You gotta treat cake like a lady.

- Give her a kiss. Look at that.



Oh my God,

in front of all of 'em!



Ba ba ba.

Ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho!



And then everyone

said, "Jabroni!"




This fucking guy, unbelievable!



Hop in.



Now spread it around

on each other.



We need a picture of this

They're crazy!



Bacio! Bacio!



Time to party!

Time to party!



Come on, we need a picture.

Get a picture.



 You've been so good to me



 You know you make me

want to shout!



 Lift my heels up

and shout!



 Throw my head

back and shout!



 Kick my heels up and shout!

Come on now!

















- Hey-ay-ay-ay!

- Ooh.



- Hot.

- Hey-ay-ay-ay!






 Shout now!

Jump up and shout now!



 Jump up

and shout now!



 Jump up and shout now



 Jump up

and shout now



 Jump up and shout now



 Everybody shout now,

everybody shout now



 Everybody shout shout shout

shout shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout

shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout shout

shout shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout,

oh, shout



 Whoa! Shout!



 Oh! Shout shout

shout shout!



 Shout shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout shout

shout shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout

shout shout shout shout



 Oh! Shout!

Come on, come on and shout!



 Shout shout shout shout

shout shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout shout

shout shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout

shout shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout shout

shout shout shout shout



 Shout shout shout shout!



Oh, no no.



Oh, I'm sorry.



Sarah, I feel like

I don't even know you.



It's Vivian.



Would you say you're completely

full of shit or just   %?



I hope just   

but who knows?






Bet that blonde was

a real shot of life.



Yeah, real shot.



You don't think we're being...



I don't want to say sleazy,

'cause that's not the right word,



but a little irresponsible, maybe?






One day, you'll look back

on all this and laugh,



say we were

young and stupid.






A couple of dumb kids

running around.



We're not that young.



Hell of a season, pal.



Hell of a season.



Oh! Baba ganoush.



What do we got?



Christmas come early.



- Secretary Cleary?

- The Secretary of the Treasury.



The guy you loved since business school.

Don't thank me.



I don't know.

I mean, I thought the season was over.



I was looking forward to kinda

taking a break for a little bit.



John, what are you

talking about?



This is the Kentucky Derby

of weddings.



It's the Clearys.

They're an American institution.



Pal, there's gonna be

over     single women at this wedding.



Not to mention, if you look here,

they've got three live bands,



they got oysters, snacks,

phenomenal finger food.



I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt.

My voice is hoarse.



Oh, please don't take

a turn to negative town.



What are you talking about?

Who's getting negative?



Well, at the Buckner nuptials you were

sitting and sulking in the corner.



I wasn't sulking.

I twisted my ankle.



Rule # :



Do not sit in

the corner and sulk;



it draws attention to you

in a negative way.



Draw attention to yourself,

but on your own terms.



Please don't quote

the rules to me, I know them.



When Chaz Reinhold passed the sacred

rules of wedding crashing onto us



   years ago,

he gave us a legacy.



You make it sound

like a cult, okay?



And from everything you've told me

about Chaz, he sounds like a kook!



You bite your tongue.

Chaz Reinhold is not a kook!



He is a brave and a decent man.

He is a pioneer!



He lived with his mother till he

was   ! She tried to poison his oatmeal!



Erroneous! Erroneous.



Erroneous on both counts!



- Oh, Lord. Here we go again.

- What you should be worried about



is not Chaz Reinhold,

who is in the hall of fame.



What you should be worried about

is you're getting sloppy.



Now, if you sit there

and expect me to go out on a limb



and try to pull off

the greatest crash of all time,



I gotta know that

your head's right.



There is no room

for error.



Secret Service.




I love your enthusiasm.



If I do this,

I don't wanna half-ass it.



I want it well planned.



He's back!



All right, partner.

We'll start scheming tonight, okay?



- Sounds good.

- If you need me, I'll be on line six.






Could be fun.



- Wow.

- Mr. Senator.



- Congratulations, Kathleen.

- Thank you.



- Bill, congratulations.

- Thank you, Senator.



Secretary, they just

grow up so damn fast.



That's the truth.



- Okay. Let's do our pregame.

- What do you got?



A few articles on Secretary Cleary's

economic policies.



There's also a roster of key family

members, a glossary, sailing terms.



- Sailing?

- Sailing's like sex to these people.



- They love it.

- Harvard, Kennedy School of Government,



Mom's big with charities,

blah blah blah.



Three daughters, one son.

I get it. Good work.






Let me see that again, please.






Okay, what's our back story?



We're brothers from New Hampshire,

we're venture capitalists.



I'm sick of that!



Let's be from Vermont



and let's have an emerging

maple syrup conglomerate.



Wait, that's stupid. We don't know

anything about maple syrup.



I happen to know everything there is

to know about maple syrup.



I love maple syrup.

I love maple syrup on pancakes.



I love it on pizza. I like to take maple

syrup and put a little bit in my hair



when I've had a rough week.

What do you think holds it up, slick?



It's the first quarter of the big game

and you want to toss up a Hail Mary!



I'd like to be pimps from Oakland

or cowboys from Arizona,



but it's not Halloween!

Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula!



Look, we been

to a million weddings.



And guess what?

We've rocked 'em all!



Great day.



- The Eagle has landed.

- The big show.



Hey, hey. Fifth row back

with the fancy hat.



I like that.



No, don't waste your time on girls

with hats, they tend to be very proper.






The proper girl in the hat

just eye-fucked the shit outta me.



I'm sorry. I'm sorry.



Why don't you say it a little louder?

I don't think the priest heard you.



Look, John, I'm sorry

I'm not sorry, okay?



I'm not gonna apologize.

I'm a cocksman.



- Tourette's.

- Frank Myers.



John Ryan.

Say hello to my brother Jeremy.



Hi, how are you?

So, um, how do you know the groom?



- We are Uncle Ned's kids.

- Mm-hmm.



Uncle Ned.



- Is he Liz's brother?

- Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.



How is everybody?



Well, Dad kinda putters

around the house.



Hey, Aunt Liz sends her best.

She couldn't make it.



Uh, yeah, I know.

Uh, ah...



she's dead.



From the grave.



She sends her best from the grave.



We've become extremely spiritual



- ever since she passed.

- I see.



But thank you so much

for your kindness, brother.



Lord knows we need family now

more than ever.



- You're welcome.

- Thank you.



How many times are you

gonna do this shit?



Rule #  :

You don't commit to a relative



unless you're absolutely positive

that they have a pulse.



Rule   : Give me

an up-to-date family tree.



That was your mistake.

You made me look like an idiot.



Rule #  : No excuses,

play like a champion.



Hello, Red.



- Dibs.

- She's all yours.



I ain't gonna fight you.



I think we've got a crier.



- No shot.

- $  .



- Make it   .

- Done.



Oh, are you kidding me?



It's beautiful.

It's moving. It's a wedding.



And now for our next reading,



I'd like to ask

the bride's sister Gloria



up to the lectern.



$     Corinthians.



Double or nothing,

Colossians  :  .



And now a reading from

Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.



"Love is patient, love is kind."



As you all know,

Craig and Christina



are quite

the sailing enthusiasts.



In that light,



they have elected

to exchange vows



which they themselves

have written.



The ring.



I, Craig,



take you, Christina,

to be my wife,



my best friend

and my first mate...



through sickness and health,

clear skies and squalls.



I'm sorry,

I have a tickle in my throat.



I, Christina,

take you, Craig,



to be my best friend,



and my captain...



to be your anchor

and your sail...



Well, this is a first.



...your starboard

and your port.



And now I pronounce you

husband and wife.



You may kiss

the first mate.



Sorry, just...

just a sampler.



Told you this would

be classy, right?



Yes, you did, class, first class

all the way. You were not lying.



Class class class.



They've got some kind

of seasoning on here.



It must be sprinkled.



Okay, go get us seats near,

but not too near, the bridal party.



I'm going to go drop this box

of fresh Wyoming air.



If you see any crab cakes,

get your hands on some



- 'cause I love the crab cakes.

- Consider it done.



- Fondue set.

- Excuse me?



The present you're holding is

a sterling silver fondue set.



- John Ryan.

- Claire Cleary.



Uh, so how do you know that?



Well... I'm a psychic.



You're psychic?







- What's that one?

- Knife set. German. Very nice.



Hmm. And that?



- Cotton linens, Egyptian.

- Ooh.



- What about that?

- Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings,



candlesticks, crystal stemware

which they'll probably never use



'cause it's... crystal stemware.



- Okay, how about that?

- This...



uh... massage oils

and a book on tantra



from the wacky aunt.



Let's check.



- Who's it from?

- Aunt Millie.



- Yes!

- Well, you... you have a gift.



I know. Unfortunately my powers only

apply to useless consumer products.



Well, you know, if the police are

missing a Belgian waffle maker



you could, um,

give 'em a hand.



- Claire, we need you for pictures.

- Oh, okay.



- Who's your friend?

- This is John Ryan.



Could I just have one more

of the samplers here?



- Good.

- What have we got?



Come back with

some more stuff.



That's good, though. These

bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal.



Really hit the spot.




Oh, shit.

Isn't that the girl



you hooked up with

at the Andersons' wedding?



- Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked.

- No, no, don't panic.



We're gonna do #  

from the playbook. Here she comes.




I thought you were



renouncing all your possessions

and moving to Nepal.



Shlomo, don't you

remember me?



Oh my God,

you didn't hear.



I'm so sorry.



Shlomo had a scuba

diving accident.



Yeah, he came up too fast,



and the oxygen




poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone,

even me, his own brother.



I'm just some nice guy

who helps him out.



You poor thing!



He actually can't hear anything either.

It's part of the accident.



So you're here

for the Clearys' wedding?



Oh, yes, yes,



but l-I have to leave.



- L-I've got a flight to Madrid, but...

- Oh, you have to leave?



- Yes.

- Oh, okay.



I could hang out

for a few minutes.



Oh, actually,

that won't be necessary.



Shlomo would now

like me to take him



to the bathroom, and then get him

some crab cakes.



So, yeah, no, that's o...



okay, okay! Okay,

I'm gonna take you



to get crab cakes first,

then I'll take you to the bathroom.



You know what?

Here is my number.



If there is anything

I can do to help...



Have a safe flight.

Don't worry about us.



We're gonna be fine.

We're gonna make it.






She looked good.

I'm gonna give it a shot.



How are you gonna call her?

She thinks you're deaf.



Everyone wants to be

a part of a miracle.



I turned a corner.

She's a part of it.



People helping people.

It's powerful stuff.



God, you're a sick man.

You also may be a genius.



Okay, so what angle

you gonna play here?



I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal

display for the kids,



and then when she comes close to

check it out, guess who's a broken man?



- Haunted past, that's it.

- Haunted past. Excellent.



- How about you?

- I'm gonna dance with the little flower girl.



- It's all deadly.

- Yes.



I'll see you in a little.



Final touch.

There it is.



One happy elephant.

All right.



Who else

wants something?



I want a bicycle.



A bicycle? Well, a bicycle,

that would take a lot of balloons



and honestly Uncle Jeremy's

a little tired right now



so why don't we do something like, uh...

let's say a giraffe?



I just want a bicycle!



Why-why are

you yelling at me?



Whatever, make me

a bicycle, clown!



I'm gonna make

you a bicycle.



But I don't want

to make you a bicycle.



Shut your mouth,

funny guy, and make it!



Let's see how you do

with somebody your own age.



I think I'm up

to the challenge.



All right, will you save me

a dance for later?



- Maybe.

- Okay.



Go on, take it, you hyena.



Don't say thank you.



Hi. You're good.



That thing? I'm just warming up.

Last week I did a, uh,



exact replica of...

to scale... of Wrigley Field.



- Ha!

- Honest to God.



- I don't have anywhere to put it.

- Okay, then I'll take a sportscar.



How about a dance?



That's what

I really wanted.



So how long have you

and the Secretary been married?



   years next April.



Oh, that's beautiful.



Yeah, and we were

faithful for two of them.



- Hmm?

- Enjoy the party.






Secretary Cleary,

John Ryan.



- Hi, John.

- I just wanted to tell you how much



I enjoyed your position paper

on economic expansion in Micronesia.



You've read

my position paper?



I read it while I was

sailing my boat to Bermuda.



A sailor?



- Good man, take a seat.

- Oh, thanks.



You didn't happen

to catch my speech



on the Paraguayan debt

and money supply issue, did you?



Are you kidding me?

I thought it was great.



Your argument

for the inverse ratio



of capitalization

to debt was genius.



Now, if we can just get

Congress not to be so shortsighted.



Yes! Well put.




John, what do you say

you and I head out to the deck



- and light up a couple of cigars?

- Stogies?



- Yeah.

- Why not?



It's just that we lost a lot

of really good men out there.



I'm sorry.



Gloria, I think I gotta

go get some fresh air.



Thank you so much for the dance

and it was wonderful to meet you.



I wish I were stronger.






Jeremy, wait up!



- John, you seem like an astute man.

- Thank you.



Maybe you can help

explain something to me.



You see that young man

out there on the dock?



- Sure.

- That's my son Todd.



   years old, the whole world

in front of him,



every advantage in life,



advantages I never had...



that's not exactly true.



He had the same

advantages I had,



which is a hell of a lot

of advantages.



So here's my question.



What's he got to be

so morose about?



Maybe he hasn't found

something to believe in.



Oh, he says

he believes in art,



but all I've seen him do is



dribble his own blood

on a canvas



and smear it around

with a stick!



You know, some people

call that art.



It's crap!



Whatever happened

to public service,



obligation to our fellow man?



Well, maybe he's...



maybe he's just trying

to find his own way, his own path,



I mean, you cast

a pretty big shadow.






Well, perhaps...



I should take it easy on him.






Death, you are

my bitch lover!



Todd, that's good!



Tell that mean ocean!



Oh, uh...



It's a start.



So you dove

into the icy water?



I mean, why would a man

risk his own life



for the life

of a complete stranger?



The great   th century

philosopher Schopenhauer,



he said, at that moment



when a human sees

another human in danger,



that there's this breaking in



of metaphysical awareness.



Do you know what that

awareness is, Gloria?



- What?

- That we're all one.



That separateness is



an illusion,



and that I'm one

with everyone...



with the Prime Minister

of England,



and my cousin Harry,



you and me,



the fat kid

from "What's Happening!"



The Olsen twins,



Natalie Portman,



the guy who wrote

"Catcher in the Rye,"



Nat King Cole,



Carrot Top






- Weird Al Yankovic...

- Hmm.



Harry Potter, if he existed,



the whore

on the street corner,



your mother...



- we're all one.

- We are?



That my hands are

your hands...






and that my cheek...



is really your cheek,



and that my lips...



...are my lips.



According to Mr. Schopenhauer,



they are.



Well, the guy wants

to run for President.



Oh, so you're hiding, I see.



He thinks Moby Dick

is a venereal disease.



Well, that's what I need.




Sorry to interrupt.



- Um, Christina wants to talk to you.

- Fun's over.



- Yeah.

- Funny.



- Franklin!

- What a great guy.



You are a big hit

at this wedding.



Well, everyone's

so nice. It's easy.



- They're all full of shit.

- What?



Half of these people

are here because of my dad.



They're all just, you know,

suckling at the power teat.



No no.

Come on, they're here because



they want to believe they're

in the presence of true love.



That's why people come to weddings,

'cause they wanna believe in true love.



What's true love?



True love is your soul's recognition

of its counterpoint in another.



Well, it's a little cheesy,

but... I like it.



Uh, I saw it

on a bumper sticker.



- So, you gonna give a toast?

- Yes.



- Nervous?

- Mm... little bit. Um...



What are you gonna say?



Would you?



You keep it in your cleavage.



Nowhere else to put it.



Normally, I'm not very

good at these things,



but l-I think

this one's pretty good.



"I never thought my sister

would find someone



who cared about what other people

thought as much as she did...



- until I met Craig"?

- Yes!



That's funny! That's funny because

it's true. You know, people like funny.



I know. But the whole

funny-because-it's-true bit



only works if the truth

is a small thing



like "Everyone knows Jennifer likes

to shop," Ha ha ha.



I think you're better off going

with something from the heart, honestly.



I think that people

are gonna like this.



I think you're

gonna hear crickets.



- I thing you're wrong.

- Sounds of silence.



- Nope.

- Okay, go walk the plank.



- Mmm-mm. I'm sticking to it.

- Go ahead.



Hey, meet me

at the back of the room.



I'll be the guy waiting

to say "I told you so."



Good luck!



And so, after my ninth stint in rehab,



um, Craig...

oh, Craig.



Craig was the only one

who still believed in me.



Been sober now

for eight months.



And uh...



I thank God every day,



for sending me

a friend like Craig.



I love you, man.



I never thought that

my sister would find someone



who cared about what

other people thought



as much as she did

until I met Craig.







as you all know,



my sister and Craig

are both lawyers



at big law firms

in New York.



But that's not the only thing

they have in common.



Um, they both like

the color green



like Craig's eyes

and money.



Um, uh...



you know, someone

once told me that



true love is



the soul's recognition of

its counterpoint in another.



And I think that

that's a very rare thing in this world.



And I think it's something

to be valued.



And I'm just really happy

that my big sister's found it.



Uh, congratulations, Chris.



Ah! That was amazing!



It was really great.



We should probably head back

so they're not lookin' for us.



I always knew my first time

would be on a beach.



First time?



- You were a virgin?

- Mm-hmm.






Jeremy, we're gonna

be so happy together.



I love you.



- I'm sorry?

- I love you!



- You totally saved me.

- No.



- Yes.

- Claire, come on. Come here.






Oh, baby,

you were awesome.



- No.

- Listen to me, awesome.






Uh, John, this is... this is

my boyfriend, Sack.



- Hey, fella.

- How you doing?



Listen, we've gotta

go meet the Schreibers.



Okay, was great to meet you.

Thank you!



Boom, I gotcha!



Oh, great!

Good to see you.



I've been looking all over for you.

I gotta get outta here pronto,



- I've got a Stage Five clinger.

- No no, I need more time.



Did you hear what

I just said to you?



Stage  ? Virgin? Clinger?

Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.



I'm serious, let's go.



I don't think that you're

appreciating the urgency here.



Not only is she a virgin,

she's totally off the reservation.



I'm terrified of this broad.



- Here you are!

- Hey! Gloria, wow!



What a coincidence,

I was just singing your praises.



- This is John Ryan.

- Oh, hi.



- Yeah.

- So my family and a few friends,



we're all going back to our little place

on the shore and it would be



- so great if you guys came.

- Really?



- Sounds sort of wonderful.

- I am...



well it does, it sounds...

it sounds very nice.



But-but and I'm flattered

that you would



even think of me to include me in

something like that, Gloria. Thank you.



It kills me however to have to tell you

I'm sorry, I just... timing's no good.



- I won't be able to make it.

- Why?



- It's gonna be so much fun!

- It's gonna be so much fun!



I'm sure it will be fun for the...

for the people that are going.



L-I unfortunately can't go.

L-I don't have, um...



I only have this monkey suit.



- I don't have any clothes.

- No, we have everything you need.



- Problem solved. Problem solved!

- The problem's not solved.



- The problem's not solved.

- Deal us in.



Oh, cool cool cool!

I'm gonna run and find my dad! Ah!



Hey, don't ask your dad!

Don't ask your dad! Don't...



- The train's going. We gotta get on.

- That's true. Why don't... why don't you



- just feed me to the lions?

- What?



- Step on my head when I'm drowning.

- What?



What a great friend.

What do you mean, what?



John, this is completely

against the rules.



You have a wedding and a reception

to seal the deal. Period.



- There's no overtime. No!

- Oh, no overtime?



What about the Chang wedding

three years ago?



- Oh, that's bullshit.

- Yeah, thought I forgot about that.



 :   A.M., you dragged me

   miles to watch you and some chick



play mah-jong with her grandmother

at a retirement home.



Yeah, completely

different situation.



- How?

- What do you mean how?



She was a very very

family-oriented girl.



And she was very into her grandmother.

They're very family-oriented.



- Give me a break!

- That was my first Asian!



- You better lock it up.

- You better lock it up.



- No, you lock it up. Lock it up.

- You lock it up. Lock it up.



Please! It would mean

so much to me, please!



Look at the way

he's looking at me.



I can tell he doesn't like me, John.

He's the Secretary of the Treasury.



And to be honest with you,

my taxes aren't exactly in line.



Oh, come on,

you're being paranoid.



He's threatened

by the way I dance.



Damn it! Why'd I have to

go showin' off like that?



Now I'm all over

his radar. Stupid!



You're not

that good a dancer.



Oh, please!



You and I both know

I'm a phenomenal dancer.



Now I know you're lying

through your teeth!



You'll do anything

to get me to go on this thing,



even if I have to walk

right into the lion's den.



Gloria, come on!



You know I'm not gonna give in

to this kind of behavior.



She's like a kid at Toys R Us.

I can't be around it.



Oh, get off your high horse.

Stop judging people.



You take off the white wig,

and you stop judging me.



I don't want to be around

someone who's a nut job.



- I need some alone time with her.

- If you want to hang out with Claire,



the boyfriend and Cybill,

by all means. I'm not going.



Let me lay it out for you in simple

chapter and verse: You're going.



Let me break it down for you so you

understand: I'll hold your hand like



- a small child. I'm not going.

- Yes, you are.



You can go if you want. I'm... no,

I'm not. No, I'm not.



You're gonna be a team player

for once in your life.



- He'd love you to come.

- Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush!



- What do I do?

- Baba ganou!



Okay okay.

Home sweet home.



- You okay?

- Yeah.



Come here, come here.



Are you okay? Because I'm gonna need

   % of Jeremy this weekend



and you're looking

a little weird.



She took me below deck

for    minutes. I don't have



- any bodily fluids left in me.

- Gentlemen, everything okay?



- Great! Yep.

- Great?



You know, we were thinking about

a little game of touch football,



- you know.

- Yeah?



- Cleary family tradition.

- A little pigskin, why not?



- Great.

- Don't forget to stretch, guys.



We're gonna be on the field in   .



- Clothes fit.

- Ooh.



I'm not even gonna say it, but you...

you-you know I'm upset.



I know you are.

I think you look good.



You know

I don't look good.



Hey, honey!



I'm over here!



Are you ready?

Are you ready for some football?



You want the noise brought on you?

'Cause here it comes.



- The what?

- The noise brought on you,



- 'cause here it comes.

- Just hike the ball, nut job.



Ready! Set!

Hut! Hut! Hike!



One Mississippi, two Mississippi,

three Mississippi.



- Yes!

- Ooh!



- Whoo!

- Yes! Crab cakes and football!



- That's what Maryland does!

- Nice one!



- A little out of shape?

- Yeah.



- Way to bring it!

- Way to anticipate that rush, man.



- No, I just saw you had it.

- Hey, shut up!



You gotta anticipate that rush.



- Cool, no, of course I do.

- You did a great job.



- What happened, Toast?

- I think he's on steroids.



It was like trying to cover

a fuckin' racehorse.



- Well, don't worry about it.

- Get it up!



We'll burn 'em with the post.



No no. No, I got

a better idea.



Look, I want you to

fake the post,



throw an interception to Claire,

get her to feel good, you know?



Gets them foamy.

You think you can do that?



John, I was first team, all-state.

I can put the ball wherever I want to.



I'll make it rain out here.

All right, guys, bring it in. Blue   !



Blue   ! Red   !



- Oh, you're gonna cover me?

- Like white on rice.



All right, I like my odds here.

I'm gonna give you a little warning,



- I'm going downtown.

- Hot route!



Red seven,

red seven, red seven!



Look for me in the endzone after this

play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.



- John! Red seven!

- What? I don't know



what "red seven" means.

- Hot route!



I don't...

w-what is "hot route"?



Will you just go stand

on the other side, please?



Are you runnin'

away from me?



- No! I'm just gettin' over here.

- You scared?



- Down!

- Come on!



Ready, down, set!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!



Go, Jeremy!



Hey, yo!

Hit me! Hit me!






That's what we call

a sack lunch!






Ow! Bird.



Big tree fall hard, right?



How many fingers I got up? Come on,

Pepe, how many fingers I got up?



Oh, come on, I got

four. Okay, here's five.



Man down!

We got a man down!



You okay?



Hey, is your brother okay?



What? Aw, he's fine.



I can't breathe.



- What's that?

- I can't breathe.



No no no, I think

he's really hurt.



Well, serves him right

after that throw.



Hey! Baba ganoush!



I don't know... I don't know

what got into me, Secretary, I just...



I do. Five generations

of Lodge family breeding.



- Your father used to pull...

- I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



- The same stunt when we were your age.

- I can't breathe.



- Is that right?

- You okay?




You threw it perfectly!



Come on, get up!



- Don't oversell it.

- I'm not selling anything.



Come on, stop milking it. You make

us look like a bunch of pussies.




Sit this play out.



Todd, come on in.



You must be joking.



It wouldn't kill you to play

some competitive sports



once in a while, would it?



Well, would that

make you love me?



Pfft. Jesus.



Hey, Jeremy,

red moon dog  -  !






Hut one! Hut two!















- Oh.

- That looked like it hurt.



- I got you!

- No, you didn't!



- You're cheating! Oh my God.

- You're cheating!



- The only...

- Your brother, he's down again.



What is his deal?



L... I don't know what's getting

into me today, guys. It's just...



Nature versus nurture, Lodge.

Nature always wins.



What are you doing?

It's a game of touch.



Every time I look over,

you're on your ass again.



If I had any air in my lungs,

I'd scream at you!



Oh, now you're

gonna blame me?



'Cause you're not athletic

enough to stay on your two feet?



I hate you.



Let's take

a daiquiri time-out.









Sweetheart, why don't you take him

into the house and fix him up?



- Sure, Mom.

- Oh, don't baby him,



- it just makes it worse.

- Oh! My back hurts.



Oh, great.

Game's over. Satisfied?



You got everyone on you now?

Get all the attention.



- It's hot out here.

- Yeah, it is.



You should have played

in your underwear.



I'll get you a drink.



Oh, Jesus Christ.

It burns.



- Oh! Poor baby.

- It stings. Oh, Jesus.



You want me

to blow on it?



No. No no no.

No no no.



No, I don't need any blowing.

I'm good, I'm good.



- I'm... thank you.

- Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.



- Oh. Yeah.

- That's right.



- Ooh, ah, oh!

- Um, uh, okay. That's fun. That's nice.



Uh, yeah,

that's fun, yeah.



That's fun. Okay, Gloria,

could you just stop for...



That's funny,

that's funny,



- that's funny.

- Ahem.



Don't you worry,

Miss Gloria.



- Mum's the word.

- Thank you, Randolph.



A little more discreet,

though, okay?



Jesus Christ.



Don't worry,

he won't say anything.



Okay, I'm a little confused.



Just like eight hours ago

you were a shy little virgin,



and now you're not wearing any

panties. I'm just trying to...



- to catch up with you here.

- You do that to me. Ooh.



- Where's my little friend?

- I do what... no no no.



- Where's my little friend?

- He's tired. He's tired.



- Where's my little friend?

- He's in time-out.



He's in time-out.

Gloria, please! I'm exhausted.



I'm exhausted.

I've had a very long day.



Dry hump me up and down

the field all afternoon.



My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just...

I'm not really in the mood for this.



Ow! Jesus Christ!



My father warned me about

people like you, Jeremy.



I'm just another

notch on your belt!



Wha... this is not like that.

What are you talk... it's not like that!



Really?! Then what's

it like, Jeremy, huh?



- Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait!

- Huh?!



It's just that I'm

feeling very strongly



that we're only starting

to express ourselves



in a physical,

sexual-specifically way.



That's it! Wait!



And I'd like to play some catch-up on

finding out who's inside here.









- Jeremy, you're amazing!

- Oh God, I think you're amazing.



- Oh my God, don't ever leave me.

- Ever.



Good! 'Cause I'd find you.






Of course like all kids, I had

imaginary friends, but not just one.



I had hundreds and hundreds and all

of them from different backgrounds



who spoke different languages.

And one of them, whose name was Caleb,



he spoke a magical language

that only I could understand.



Get him all patched up?



I sure did, Daddy.



Gloria bug.



You go change for dinner.






You know, she's not just

another notch on the old belt.



I don't even wear

a belt. Beltless.



I'm a very powerful man.



Yes, you are.



See you for dinner.



So, I am President of the

Environment Defense League.



And I pick up this little sea otter...



...and... and... and... wipe off

the oil from the tanker spill.



All right, you gotta step this up

already. I'm gonna give you



- the damn eyedrops.

- No, I don't want 'em.



- It's too hardcore.

- Well, do you want to be alone



- with her or not?

- Yes.



Put a few of these in his drink and

he'll be going down on toilet seat



- for the next    hours.

- I don't want to do it.



I can beat this guy.

Let's be honorable for once.



And the whiskers.



And the oil's... the oil's

flapping, he goes...



- Give me the eyedrops.

- Thank you.






Let us bow our

heads in prayer.



Heavenly Father,



we thank You for Thy

bounty on this table



and ask that You bless

the entire Cleary family



and all the friends

here assembled.



- Amen.

- Amen.



- Mm. Oh, these scallops look fantastic.

- I, uh... I bought them from



an organic scallop farm right off

the coast of, uh, Nattachoke.



Actually, Sack got the Governor

to subsidize part of the project.



And now it's the state's only

self-sustaining scallop farm.



Say that five times, fast.

You can't do it. Self-sustaining...



They actually look terrific.

Maybe I'll actually try some



when I get the sensation

back in my face



- from the, uh... football game.

- Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry.



I just, you know, I have

this damn competitive streak.



Um... I'm seeing

a Buddhist about it.



Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness,

the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.



Stop traffic. Because when

I go back to town,



I'm actually gonna

see an orthopedist



about what you did to my back.

And not just any orthopedist,



I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein

who specializes in...



Hey, Sack, how long have you

and Claire been seeing each other?



Claire and I? Um, what's it been,

sweetheart? A couple years?



Three and a half.



Yeah, um, actually, we started

dating while we were doing



- Habitat for Humanity.

- Sure.



Pretty soon...

we'll be getting married.






Well, not too soon, um...



We still have a lot of things

that we want to accomplish.



Anyway, once Claire

and Sack tie the knot,



two of the great American families,

the Clearys and the Lodges,



- will finally unite.

- Hear, hear.



And then of course, you can

challenge the Klingons



for interstellar

domination, right?






I saw you

on the dance floor.



You move pretty good.



Oh. Thanks a lot.



L... really just got lucky.



I was more in the zone

than anything else.



It was

the booze dancing.



Sorry guys, I forgot.



How are you guys connected

to the family again?



Uncle Ned's kids.



You know...

Uncle Ned?



Aunt Liz's brother.

Ned and Liz.



Hmm. No, I don't know.



So, Jeremy,



you and your brother are

venture capitalists.



- That's right.

- That's great.



Venture capitalist.

The backbone of the system.



- It's the new pioneer.

- New pioneer.



So is it just

about the money?



No no, it's about,



investing in companies that

are ethically and morally defensible.



Well, like what?

Give me an example.



Like what? Well, there's the company

that we have where we're taking the...



the fur or the wool

from sheep



and we turn it into thread

for homeless people to sew.



And then they make it into cloth,

which they in turn sew



then, um...



make some shirts

and pants



for other homeless people to sell.

It's a pretty good deal.



- People... people helping people.

- Yeah.



That's... that's very admirable.



Thank you. Although, don't make me

out to be a saint just yet.



We do turn a small profit.



After all, someone

has to pay for the, uh,



lap dances for

the big guy here.






He's joking around.

It feels so good when he jokes.



What's this, uh,

company called?



- Holy sh...

- Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.



It's a little corny

and obvious,



but what do you get

out of being subtle, right?



Well, that's a hell

of a good project.



I'm gonna mention something

to the Commerce Secretary.



That would be terrific.

That would be great, huh?




it was terrific.



Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job

there in Washington?



- Mommy.

- You know, Willy's father, my husband



was the Secretary of State



for President

Franklin Roosevelt.



That must have been

so thrilling... FDR.



My gosh, FDR was

a wonderful President.



He was a doll.



The wife, though,




- big dyke!

- Oh Lord.



Huge dyke!

A real rug muncher!



Looked like

a big lesbian mule.



Grandma, you can't talk

like that, okay? It's not right.



Somebody... somebody get me

another Scotch for Christ sakes!



I think I'm

gonna go to bed.



Honey, are you okay?



Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know,

I'm just a little tired. Thanks.



- Okay.

- You all right?



Oh, yeah. Yeah.



What an athlete.

A tremendous competitor.



I know.



Todd, I noticed that you haven't even

touched your food yet.



- I don't eat meat or fish.

- He's a homo.



Mommy, let's not

go there again.



Actually, um, Todd

is an amazing painter.



He's going to the Rhode Island

School of Design.



Oh, that's a great school.

Congratulations, Todd.



That's really

impressive, "Rizdee."



Yeah, Dad... Dad used to think

I'd be a political liability,



you know, in case

he ever ran for President.



Now, Todd!

Actually, truth be told,



polling shows a majority

of the American people



would ultimately empathize

with our situation.



- What is our situation, Dad?!

- You're a homo.



Oh, for God sakes, William,

put Mommy to bed already.



Okay. Mommy,

we've had a long day.



I can do it myself, asshole.






I'll be in my room painting.



Homo things.



You just go

right ahead, Toddy.



- Mmm, wonderful scallops.

- Absolutely. Wonderful.



You know, um...



I think I'm

gonna get some air.



Oh, I'll get some air

if you want some company.



- Sure.

- Let me just change my shoes.



- Excuse me.

- All right. I'm gonna... can't walk away



from the delicious food

that we got here.



I just had my tits done.



You like 'em?



Those... seem like lovely tits.



William doesn't give

a shit about my tits.



Well, darn him.



But Mrs. Cleary,

this is pretty sudden.



You've been playing cat and mouse

with me ever since you came here.



- Mrs. Cleary, I don't...

- Call me Cat.



Okay, Cat...



Call me Kitty Cat.



Okay, Kitty Cat,



this feels borderline

inappropriate, and...



- Feel them.

- What?



- I said feel them.

- Mrs. Cleary...



Kitty Cat.



I'm sorry, Kitty Cat.

Are you out of your fucking mind?



I'm not letting

you out of this room



until you feel them.



Wow, they feel really nice.

Real orb-like.






Mom make you

feel her tits?



Did you say something, Todd?



Mom make you feel her tits?



Todd, where are you

going with this?



Just don't... don't say anything

to my dad, though.



Some friend

of my sister's...



and she said something to my dad

a couple of years ago...



he now lives

in a shack in Guam.



Not by choice.



Stop kidding with me, Todd.



You almost had me,

come on.



- John, I need to talk to you.

- No, not right now.



What's wrong with you? Why you got

the weird look all over your face?



Claire's mom just made

me grab her hooters.



Well, snap out of it!

What? A hot, older woman



made you feel her cans?

Stop crying like a little girl.



I wasn't crying

like a little girl.



Why don't you try getting jacked off under

the table in front



of the whole damn family and have

some real problems? Jackass.



What were they like, anyway?

They look pretty good. Are they real?



Are they built for speed or for comfort?

What you do with 'em? Motorboat?



You play the motorboat?




You motorboatin' son of a bitch.

You old sailor, you!



Where is she?

She still in the house?



What is

wrong with you?



What do you mean what's wrong with...

what's wrong with you?



- No, what's wrong with you?

- No, what's wrong with you?



- You're projecting.

- Drop it.



You drop it!

You stop projecting on me.



Why don't you go enjoy yourself while

I go ice my balls and spit up blood?



- Drop it!

- "Team player."






Oh, Mr. President!



What do you want?



You're in my room.



Oh, dear.



Well, I'm too drunk to walk,



so carry me to my room.



Carry you...






You banging the daughter

and the grandma?



How much jam

you got, man?



- Jam? L...

- Listen, man,



the family dog

lives downstairs.



I can wake him up for you, if you like.

His name is Snooky.



You could not be more wrong

about what's happen...



Just be gentle

with her, okay?



She be pushing   !



Jesus Christ.



Hey! Good thing

I didn't hold my breath.



Yeah, I'm sorry,

I just, uh...



Sorry I'm late, I just...



You okay?



No no, I'm fine, I just...



- I just got, uh, held up.

- Hmm. My family's a little strange.



A little strange?



Come on. Claire.



Your family...

are totally nuts.



- And guess what?

- What?



- I love it.

- You do?



- Yeah, it seems great.

- Really?



- Yes!

- I get a little self-conscious.



It's a family!

You're mixing it up.



You got the sweet little

grandma who's really sweet



with her, like, little, like,

white hair, but then she's kinda mean.



But you're like,

"Well, fuck it, she's so old,



and she's not

gonna change now."



- Oh.

- Shit, it was great!



I just hope I didn't embarrass myself

with that stupid joke I told.



Are you kidding?

That was so funny!



- No, really? Really?

- Yeah! Yeah, you're like that



crazy guest who thinks he's part

of the family already, it's...



Doesn't sound that great.

That sounds horrible.



- No, it's cute.

- The crazy guest who thinks he's



like a part of the family who's gonna say

inappropriate stuff? What is that?



- Yeah. You know, you break the ice.

- Yeah.



It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.






- Yeah?

- There you are.



Have you checked on Sack?

I think he's pretty sick.



- Oh, really?

- Yeah.



Okay. Yeah.

No, I'll be right in.



Um, I should...

I should go check on him.



Yeah, sure, okay.

Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.









I'Il... I'll talk to you later.






Oh no.



Are you okay?



Well, Claire, um...



my head's buried

in a toilet.



What do you think?

Why don't you do the math, okay?



Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable

sometimes. It's just me.



Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble

bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?



- Right.

- Hey, you wanna help me out?



Do ya? Do ya, kid?

Why don't you go get me a  -Up, okay?



All right,

'cause I think I'm...



I think I might

get vulnerable again.



What the f... fuck

is going on?



Shh, shh, shh!

You'll wake my dad.



Baby, I started thinking

about what you said before



and I think the problem is I am not

being adventurous enough for you!



Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not

what I've been saying to you.







I'm gonna make all

your fantasies come true.



But this is not fant...



I love you.



 Till I drive you away



 I know

what you'll say



 You say oh



 Someone you know



 But I promise you this



 I'll always

look out for you



 Yeah, that's

what I'll do



 I say oh






 I say oh






 I saw sparks



 Yeah, I saw sparks



 I saw sparks



 Yeah, I saw sparks



 I saw them



 La la la.




go to sleep, honey.



It's not Gloria.



Jesus Christ!



We had a moment at

the dinner table, didn't we?



No. No, we did not have

a moment at the dinner table.



Yes! We had a moment.



I was right there. Todd, I would have

noticed if there was a moment.



- There was no moment.

- I made you a painting.






I call the painting




It's sexual and violent.



I thought you might like it.






- Hide! You gotta hide! Yes.

- No. They need to know about us.



- It's okay.

- No no no no. Hide hide hide!



Please please please.



You gotta hide, you gotta hide!

Not there. Not there!



I'm not comfortable...

I'm not comfortable with that!



- Let's play tummy sticks!

- What's tummy sticks?



I don't want to play tummy sticks!

Get in the closet.



It's okay, I was where

you were a year ago.



Get in the fucking closet right now!

You go get in the closet!



You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet!



You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet! Go!



I'll pop out

at the right moment.



No, you will not!



Everything okay in here?

I thought I heard something.



I was just

having a bad dream.






I know about bad dreams.



You know, Todd...






at night sometimes.



You know, the doctors

call it night terrors.



I don't know.






Oh. Okay, then.



Sleep well.



There's nothing

terrifying about the night.



Now, listen, if you let me

go to bed and get some sleep



then l... we can

talk tomorrow.



You won't

make time for me.



If I get my sleep

I'll have to... I'Il...



I'll love to make time and talk about,

uh, uh, different things.



Like paintings.



Can't wait for tomorrow



when I got energy

and I can really share some stuff.






- Oh, it's gonna be great.

- You sleep.



Mmm. Okay.

That was nice.



That was nice! Please

let me just sleep.



I can't take

this fuckin' shit anymore!



There he is!

It's the big guy! Get in here.



Wait till you see the spread.

Anything you want.



Yeah, well, get

what you want to go.



The ferry leaves in    minutes.

We gotta get outta here.



Whoa, what's your problem?

Have some of this stuff.



I didn't get a lot of sleep

last night, John. I'm fried.



- Soft mattress?

- Yeah, that could've been it.



It could have been the soft mattress.

Or, it could've been



the midnight rape... or the nude, gay art

show that took place in my room...



one of those probably added

to the lack of sleep...



Try one of these scones,

you're gonna love 'em.



I'm a little traumatized

to have a scone. Let's move.



Will you slow down for a second?

The whole eyedrop thing backfired.



Okay? It didn't work. She had to

leave me and go attend to him.



Why are you looking

at me like that?



You're falling

for this broad.



No! I just met her.




I'm gonna go.



- You can't go.

- Watch me.



Watch me take this

on down the road.



If you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out

and throw a shit fit,



and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown

mode here at the house.



I don't give

a baker's fuck!



I just had my own sock duct-taped

into my mouth last night!



- Whoa, what?

- Yeah, the sock



that I wore around all day,



playin' football in,

pouring sweat in,



was shoved into my mouth,

and there was duct tape over it!



Well, let's talk about it.

I'm a good listener.



I'm not in a place to discuss

what happened. Okay?



I felt like Jodie Foster

in "The Accused" last night.



I'm gonna go home,

see Dr. Finkelstein



and I'm gonna tell him...

we got a whole new bag of issues,



we can forget about

Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.



Suit yourself.



Rule # .



Rule # : Never leave

a fellow crasher behind.



- I can't believe how selfish you are.

- I need you.



A friend in need is a pest.



I'll stick it out with you

because you're desperate.



- I need the big guy.

- I'm gonna try to give you



a little bit more time,

because somebody can't close.



- Fair enough.

- But if you want my help,



you gotta listen. Number one:

Stop being a pussy.



Number two:

Make a move.



Number three...



you know it.



Could you pop the syrup for me?

Just as a top off?



Here's what's

gonna happen, Tonto.



Kimosabe's gonna have

some flavor,



- I'm gonna choose not to eat with you.

- We're not gonna eat together?



No. I like to recharge

my batteries,



and shut down the engines,

and get myself back to neutral.



When the meal's over with,

I will talk to you.



I don't want to get

into what happened last night,



'cause it's only gonna make me mad.

Let's get through today,



let's keep our eye

on the prize, let's focus,



- and let's close some ass.

- Noted.



Can I tell you something

without you getting angry?



I love you.



Yeah, you, big guy.



I love you too.






- Trapster, it's Sack.

- Sackmaster!



- How was the wedding?

- Oh, it was boring, you know,



but the bachelor party,

of course, rocked.



We got Heidi a couple

of those fucking sluts



from the environmental

group, remember them?



No way!

Did you tap that again?



Once at my place,

then once back in the cab.



Damn! Sluts!



Oh, how's Claire?



Still trying to figure out

what she's doing with her life?



Claire? She's, you know,

whatever, I don't know.



She's saving the world

one maladjusted kid at a time.



But that'll all change

when we're married,



'cause I want a wife.

I don't want a fucking martyr, right?



I hear that, my friend.



Hey, man, listen,

l-l-l-I got...



do you remember

that private detective we used



to set up that fucking

Shearson Lehman prick?



The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano.

He's a wop genius.



Yes. I need you to get some dirt

on these two guys



John and Jeremy Ryan.

They're brothers from New Hampshire.



They got some sort of N.P.O. Called

"Holy Shirts & Pants."



- I will check into them.

- Excellent, bro.



- You da man!

- Take it easy.



Where's Sack?



Oh, he's... he's still

not feeling very well.



Well then, "The Woodwind"

takes off without him.



- John my boy.

- Yes?



We're tacking back round.



Do me a favor,

ease the sheets,



swing the jib




Okay, let me...






One minute.



- Hi. How's it going?

- Hi.



Oh, just swinging the jib

here for your dad.



Starboard. Trying to get it over here

and crease the sheet.



Um, but starboard's

this way.



- Oh, that's right. What am l...

- Yeah.



- What am I thinking?

- I'll help.



- Okay.

- Hang on, hang on.



- Watch the jib boom.

- Oh.



All right, push it.

Push it this way.



Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this is better.



- Come on, use some muscle.

- There we go.



All right, that's good.

Done. Done.



You know, I'm used to sailing

down under with the Kiwis,



so everything

is backwards.



Even the toilets...

when you flush them,



the water spins

the opposite way.



Really freaks you out

the first time you see it.



John my boy,



come on up here.



Man "The Woodwind"

for a while.



On my way.



Hey, your dad was telling

me about a great beach near here



that maybe we could

check out



if you have any interest

when we get back.






Great. Okay, it can get

confusing up here.



If you have a problem,

just give me a call.



Thank you.






Now how would one

get to this Sook's Bend?



Actually, it would be

a really nice bike ride.



Everything's ready

for the quail hunt!



For the quail hunt?



Yeah. It's a... it's

a Cleary family tradition.



Well, I think you might have

to deal me out on this,



- 'cause we were gonna...

- Nonsense, I insist.



John, you gotta go! You're gonna

love it! You're gonna love it!



Sack, honey, um, you're a little bit

sick for hunting.



Oh, no, I'm great!

Honey, I'm great!



Oh, I'm going!

Right? Right?



Okay. You're going.



- So, I guess I'll see you later.

- See you later.



Just take it easy, okay?



- Okay.

- Okay.



Mr. Environmental

is also a-a hunter.



It's kind of an interesting




I hunt quail, Jeremy!



They're overpopulated in this

region and they're decimating



the grub worm population.

You got a fucking problem with that?!



Not nearly as much as I do with the,

uh, attire that you have on,



or just your general point of view

towards everybody.



But let's go kill some birds.

I'm psyched.



Have you even shot

one of these things before?



The whole    years

we've known each other,



I've been sneaking off to go on little

hunting trips around the world.



No, I don't even know

what the fuck a quail is!



I feel totally ridiculous.

Like why do I have to be in camouflage?



So the big bad quail

doesn't see me?



I know. It's like, why can't we

hunt something cool



like a hawk, or an eagle, or something

with some talons?



That'd be awesome. You mean, something

like big game even like a gorilla...



Yeah. Gorilla!



- Or rhinoceros...

- Rhino!



Or a fucking human being?

That'll get you jacked up.



That's a little heavy.



I mean, like... you're hunting

a human being right now,



the most dangerous game.



Like a worthy adversary.

Not a human being that's armed...



- Oh, if he wasn't armed.

...but a clever... a clever human being



- who knows the jungle, or the woods.

- Or like a bad guy.



There's something not right

about these guys.



What do you mean?



- I mean, it's time to send them home.

- Sack, don't do anything crazy.



Just relax, I'm just gonna

scare them a little bit.



All right.



To the right!



- They got me!

- Oh, shit.



- They got me!

- Oh, shit.






- You okay, buddy?

- Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.



Look, we just came by to say

we're gonna take a little bike ride



and then we're gonna come back

and check up on you.



And take care of him, okay? I want you

to get my little angel up and running.



- Hang in there.

- I hope you flip your bike over



and knock your two front teeth out,

you selfish son of a bitch!



You leave me in the trenches

taking grenades, John!



 In the summertime

when the weather is hot



 You can stretch right up

and touch the sky



 When the weather's fine

you got women



 You got women on your mind



 Have a drink, have a drive



 Go out and see

what you can find



 We're no threat, people



 We're not dirty,

we're not mean



 We love everybody, but we do as we

please, when the weather's fine



 We go fishing or go sailing

in the sea



 We're always happy



 Life's for livin',

yeah, that's our philosophy...



- Tough luck, Ralphie boy...

- Randolph.



Shh. I'm watching

my stories, man.



Is that what

you get paid to do?



It's exactly what I get

paid to do.



Look, I want to know

where Claire is.



She took a bike ride

down to the beach.



With who?



With that fellow

from the wedding



that everyone seems

to be so fond of.



So you're a venture




What does that mean?



Oh, it's really not that

interesting, actually.



You don't sound

very enthused.



Oh, no, it's just...



you know, things

started happening



and you go down a road

and you think



it's just

for a little while.



And then you get

caught up in it



and you're

kind of into it



and just don't

even have time



to really ask questions about it.

And before you know it



you're living a life that you didn't set

out to, or that you intended to.



Do you know

what I mean?



Yes, I do.



I think that there's

some great things



that I'd like to do,



that-that maybe I'm

capable of, hopefully.



Oh, yeah?

Like what?



I don't know.



We'll see.

I'm still young.






you're not

that young.



I'm sorry.



Give me your hands.



I know this game.




I'm not gonna bite you.



Do you want it full speed

or half speed?






You're never gonna hit me,

I don't think.



I'm pretty quick.






- Let me get settled before you go.

- You didn't approve of that?



No, because

you're supposed to...



You gotta wait

until I put them back!



Come on!



So what about you...

with Sack?



Is that a good thing?



Yes, I think it's

a... good thing.



You don't sound

very enthused.



I am.



L... well, I mean,

I think I am, l...









I g... you know,

we've just been



talking so much

about the future lately



and, uh... I mean, I always assumed

that we would get married.



But, uh...



I'm scared.



I am.



But I think that

that's how everyone feels



before they're about to get married.

I mean,



don't you think?



Yeah, no.

Don't answer that.



That's my rationalization

and I'm sticking to it.



Fair enough.



And I don't mean to pry.



Yes you do.



Well, however it works out,

I hope you...



uh, I hope you realize



that you deserve

somebody great.



I have an announcement.



I know that we said

we were gonna wait, but, uh,



given the spirit

of this weekend






Claire, come on.



Come on.

Come on come on, it's okay.



Come on! Come on.



Claire and I are

getting married.



Good, Sack.

That's wonderful!



- Wonderful.

- Wonderful!



Way to go, man!

Way to go!



Claire bear,

you never told me!



Two of the great

American families.



- Claire, you took us all by surprise!

- Yeah.



- Yeah.

- You're good! You're good!



Can-can you just

give me one minute?



- Yeah!

- Okay.







young man!



- Welcome to the family!

- This is wonderful!



Look, kid, I'm sorry.

You win some, you lose some, right?



- Let's go home.

- No, I'm not...



- I can't... I can't do that.

- What are you talking about?



Look, l-I think

I'm in love with her.



Yeah, l-l-I think...

I think that you're nuts.



That's what I think.



I'm gonna tell her

the truth.



Jesus Christ!



- Hey.

- Hey!



How are you!



Okay, listen, Gloria,

you know that I think



that you're an amazing person,

a really amazing person,



but I feel like I have

to be upfront with you.



L-l-I really don't see this relationship

going further than this weekend.



But I love you!



Yeah, I think you'll learn

as time goes on



that there's a difference



between infatuation

and love, you know?



Obviously, you're gonna have

strong feelings for me



because you lost

your virginity to me,



- but that doesn't mean...

- Oh, I wasn't a virgin.



- What?

- I wasn't a virgin.



Far from it.



I just thought that that's what guys

wanted to hear.



Come on.









Hello, son.



- You okay?

- Not now, Father, please.



No offense to you,



I think we might be

on different wavelengths.



I think you'd just be

spinning your wheels with me,



but, uh, have a little

of the sacrament here.



No one likes to drink alone.

We'll set you up.



There you go, get your hands on it.

Take it while it's hot.



Take it while it's hot. I'm gonna pour

till it's on the tray. Here it is.



Can I ask you

a question, Father?



Do you ever get horny?



I'm sure you do.

I just... in your position



you're not... right?

Isn't that you're not allowed to...



sleep with anybody, right?



Does that get

tough sometimes?



You ever pull

on yourself, or...






Everything works?

Do you get swelled up still?



Yeah, of course.



- Well, what do you do?

- You pray.



Yeah, I pray, too,

you know what I mean?



I mean, I believed

that she was a virgin.



It hurts to be lied

to like that.



It's a horrible feeling

to feel that way.



But I, you know, was looking

to take advantage of something, too.



So could I really

feel that bad?



It's not like I was who I was.

You know what I'm saying? So, fair play.



And let's be honest

with each other here, okay?



Let's put all the cards on the table.

She's fit for a straitjacket.



This broad's fucked

three ways towards the weekend.



And you wanna know what?

I dig it! It turns me on!




It turns me on!



Because you wanna know

what the kicker is, Father?



Maybe I'm a little

fucking crazy!



That's right!

Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.



Maybe there's something about me

that I'm a little cuckoo.



I know it's a surprise.

I know it's not on the surface.



I mean, I had an imaginary friend

when I was a kid. His name was Shilo!



We used to play checkers

with each other every day,



and bless his heart,

Shilo'd always let me win!



And that ain't normal!

There's something odd in that,



but maybe that's what it takes

to make you feel



like you're connected with somebody.

I don't know!



But I know when that redhead

starts getting kooky



that something about me

feels alive inside!



I'm diggin' talkin' with ya.

You're a really enlightened cat



and I like that about ya.

I think you're a special special man.



Okay, come in

for the real thing.



- Mmm? Mmm?

- Get in here for the real thing.



I love ya.

You're a sweet man.



Oh, dear God.



You can't marry this guy.






Because I've fallen

for you.



Oh, good news

travels fast.



Excuse me.



Sorry, thanks.




Trapster, talk to me.



No shit.



And do you maybe feel

the same way?






Maybe. That's all

I needed to know.



But this is crazy,

because I don't know any...



- Why?

- I don't know anything about you!



- What do you mean?

- You do investments in New Hampshire



and you have a crazy brother...



Well, actually, I need to talk to you about

that. It's not a big deal,



but maybe you want

to sit back on the swing.






Johnny! She's trying

to kill me!



- Grandma!

- Whoa whoa!



- Get the gun from her!

- Put the gun down!



- Mother, stop!

- This is the real world, lady!



You can't just go

shooting people on a whim!



- What did you do?

- I told you that in confidence!



- That was a confession!

- What are you talking about?



Why don't you

tell her, John?



- I don't know what's going on.

- You don't know?



- I'm playing catch up, too.

- I don't...



- Sack, what are you doing?!

- Remembering yet?



- You remember yet?

- Are you okay?



They're not who they say

they are, Claire.



- Those aren't even their real names.

- What?!



No, everything he told you

is a lie.



L-I don't understand

what you're saying.



Claire, they crash weddings.



They crash weddings

so that they can sleep with girls.



Everything that they have told us

is a complete fabrication.



No, you're joking.



All of it is a lie.

Don't you fucking get up.



- Sack, will you just stop?!

- Okay okay.



Is that true?



No, well, no, it's...

not entirely.



No, it's a yes or no




I know,

but it's complicated.



Yes or no?



Yes or no?






- with shades of grey.

- Oh.



I'm not perfect,



but who are we kidding?

Neither are you.



And you wanna know what?

I dig it!



Jeremy tried

to seduce me!



You did?



I want my

painting back.



The painting was

a gift, Todd.



I'm taking it with me.



You had me going, son.



I thought it was

something special.



There's a ferry

leaving in    minutes.



I suggest

you be on it.



Come on, let's go.



I want you.



I love you.



He made a fool

out of you, Claire.



Come on, let's go.






Now bunch those panties up

into a little ball.



Put that little ball

right in your mouth.



- Oh, that's good.

- Hang up the phone.



Okay, and I will definitely call you

back later then.



- Come on, wrap it up.

- Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.



What the fuck?

You can't knock anymore?



- I know how I can get to her.

- What?



I know how I can

get to Claire.



Oh, John, you gotta

drop this thing.



I'm... I can't do this

anymore with you, okay?



It's been several months,

and you haven't heard anything from her.



She hasn't returned

your phone calls,



she's never responded

to one of your letters,



- she didn't respond to the candygram.

- Right.



God knows what happened

to the little kitten that you got her.



Because she didn't keep it and I know

you're not raising that goddamn thing.



- Okay.

- I think it's very obvious



at this juncture that she just flat out

does not wanna see you.



I disagree. Now look, they're having

the engagement party



for her tonight at the beach club.

We're going at  :  .



I'm not g...

John, I can't...



Okay okay, listen to me,

Tasmanian devil.



- Listen to me. I can't go.

- Why?



'Cause I can't go, because I have

a schedule. Because I have...



What is your deal?

What is your problem?



For the past couple of months

you've been a ghost.



I can't find you anyplace,

and now I come to you with an idea,



I put myself on the line,

you shoot it down with your negativity.



Your goddamn negativity!

I don't need it! I'm an idea man.



I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take

the wind out of my sails. I need you.



Buddy, you know

I love you,



and I hate to see you

like this,



but we gotta look

at reality here.



There's gonna be Secret Service

at this thing. They have pictures of us.



There's not a shot in hell

we can get into this thing.



You're so cautious.

I'm more of a risk taker.



I'm two steps ahead of you

and    steps ahead of Secret Service.



Oh, yeah.    extra long,

baba ganoush special.



We're waiters!



Buddy, for your own good,

you gotta let this thing go.



Now, I'm gonna

meet you there at  :   okay?






- Hey, how do I look?

- Good, man.



- Good.

- Where's your friend?



Late, as usual.

Is Claire...



- Oh, she's looking fine!

- Okay.



Next thing you know

they pick me up,



put me on the top

of this mountain



and they start chanting,

and I realized



they thought I was God!



And I'll tell you something,

I thought I was too.






Let's dance.






Okay, Sackmaster,



one more.

We should get back to the bar.



You're right.



You get near

my fiancée again,



I'll kill ya.



Did you check out

the rack on that bartender?



Hey, you're the Sack.

She'll come to you.



Oh my God, yeah, she will.

You're right.






 Everyone who's anyone

was there...



- God damn it.

- They all had something to share



 About so-and-so

and on and on



 I'm in the corner







Johnny, wait a second.



Come on, John!



Oh, what time is it?



John, will you wait a second

so I can talk to you?



Hold on, man.



Will you stop? Stop...

I'm not gonna chase you



down the whole

fucking street, man.



Hold on a second.

Let me talk to you for a second here.



About what?

About how you left me high and dry



- to get my ass kicked by Sack again?

- Sack did that to you?



And how long have you been

sneaking around with Gloria



- behind my back?

- I wanted to tell you about Gloria.



I tried to.

I didn't know how.



And I'm sorry that you had

to find out this way.



I'll level with you.



I care about her a lot.



I love her.






You're unbelievable!




Rule # .

You're an idiot.



You're wrong to pull out

the rulebook on this.



There was never any rules about this.

What's the rule



about walking away? Never walk away

on a crasher in a funny jacket.



Rule #   .



You're an asshole.



 I'm awake



 You're still sleeping



 The sun will rise



 Like yesterday






 That we are now



 Is everything



 We can't let go



 It's gone forever...



This is John.






Hey, John, it's Jeremy.



Uh, just calling to see

what you're up to, uh...



would love to hear

back from you, man.



Play sharp.



And we'll do the wedding

in peaches and apricots.



Even though it's a June wedding,

should the weather turn nasty,



warm colors will

really help you.



 Don't you go away tomorrow...






Johnny, open up, man.



Does anyone ever feel

like they're just...






I feel so much

like giving up.






Get it?!



Put your hands out

like this.



- Claire.

- Please.




Thanks for coming.



- Hey!

- Get off her, man! What are you doing?



You're supposed

to move your hands.



You're not getting

enough attention?



Love doesn't exist!



That's what I'm trying

to tell you guys.



And I'm not

picking on love,



'cause I don't think

friendship exists either.



Hey! Yeah!



Are you okay?

Get up, buddy.



Move it on.



Gloria, I've been doing a lot

of soul-searching lately,



and l-I think

that I'm ready



to take, um,

this relationship,



our relationship

to the next level.



To what the next level

of the... of the...



of the relationship

would be.



- Jeremy!

- Is that good?



I'm so ready to take

it to the next level too.



Do you want to watch me

with a girl?



What about those Brazilian twins

we met at the ballgame?



L-I was... I was...

I was thinking



more along the lines of an... of an...

of an engagement.



But that sounds terrific.

That sounds... that sounds unbelievable.



The Brazilian girls were very nice.

They seemed like...



Oh, Jeremy, I do!



- I love you.

- I love you.



L-I can't believe that

they're getting married.



I mean don't you-you think

that's really soon?



Well, you know Gloria.

She's impetuous.



Has to have what she wants

when she wants it.



Well, we had to give her

a Sweet   



on her   th birthday.

You remember that.



Yeah, I remember,

but this is...



Dad, this is marriage!



When you know what you want,

you know what you want.






which of these

do you like?






well, I could... I could go with the tall

tapered arrangement



with, uh, tulips

and freesias and orchids,



or I could go

with a votive



of roses and lilies,

I don't know.



- Claire bear.

- Yeah?



What's wrong?






we have no way

of knowing



what lays ahead for us

in the future.



All we can do is



use the information

at hand



to make the best

decision possible.



It's gonna be fine.



- Your whole life is gonna be fine.

- Yeah.



Happy birthday.



Can't let a little pissing and moaning

break tradition.



Oh right,

that's today.



I see you've been getting

into a little light reading.



That's not mine.

I bought that for a friend.






So how have you been?



- Great. Really spectacular.

- Good.



- What have you been up to?

- Eh, you know,



this and that.

Crashing weddings.



- Alone?

- No, not alone.



Well, who have you been

crashing with then?






- Chaz?

- Chaz.



- John, you don't even know Chaz...

- Yes, I do.



He's a great guy.

We've been having a ball together.



All right, look,

I wanted to come by here



and tell you that I feel really bad



about everything that's happened

between us.



Your friendship means

a lot to me.



I miss seeing you.



I know, l...



look, I'm...

I'm happy for you.



I'm glad

you found someone.



I can't tell you

how glad it makes me



to hear you

say that, man.



Get on in here,

let the big bear



get his paws on you.

You know I love you.



- It's good to see you.

- Good to see you.



Are you sure you've been...

this does not look like a guy



- who's been okay.

- Oh, I know.



- It's like a pigsty.

- It's like a mosh pit in here.




I'm getting married.



- Get out.

- What?



You just sat there and said that you

were happy for me, that I'm...



I'm hanging by a thread.

I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.



- You said that the book wasn't yours.

- Don't worry about the book.



It isn't mine,

but I glanced at it.



John, you've been

my friend



for    years.

I'm getting married.



I need you there

to be my best man.



Kindly leave!



- I'm try...

- Kindly leave.



Would mean a lot to me

if you came.



Oh, I bet it would,







- White trash!

- What are you talking about?



Out! Out!



You better get your ass

to that wedding.



- Yeah?

- Hi, is Chaz here?



Chaz, there's someone

here to see you!



Pick up your

fucking skateboard!






What the fuck

do you want?



I'm John Beckwith.



I'm friends

with Jeremy Grey.



God damn it,

why didn't you say so?



Come here, brother!

Give me a hug.



Bring it in

for the real thing!



Have a seat. Yeah.



God damn you!



I almost numbchucked you,

you don't even realize.






- Yeah.

- Hmm.



- Is this your place?

- No. No no no no no.



- No, I live with my Ma.

- Oh.



Yeah. You hungry?



Hey, Ma! Can we get

some meatloaf?



Chaz, I think I'm okay.

I had a bite



- right before I came over. Thank you.

- You sure?



- So, how's my protegé?

- Jeremy, boy, he...



Yeah, J-bone.



J-bone is... believe it or not,

he's getting married.






What an idiot!



Oh, what a loser!



Good good!

More for me and you.



More for... more for...



I gotta go.



Hey, babe, yeah.



You do whatever

you have to do.



- Thanks.

- Okay, be strong.



I'm just

living the dream!



That's unbelievable.



Oh, man,

I feel like, "Wow!"



It's like I come over,

I don't know what to expect.



I gotta be honest,

I come in, it's like,



a little like I'm trying to get

my bearings.



There's cartoons, your mom,

and it's like, you still got it!



Look at her!



"Just living the dream,"

I love that!



You know what? I will have some

meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.



You want some?



I knew you'd come...

Hey, Mom!



The meatloaf!



We want it now!

The meatloaf!



What is she doing? I never know

what she's doing back there.



"Just living the dream."

Where did you get that girl?



- She's hot!

- I got her yesterday.



- Yesterday?

- Yeah.



I rode my bike over

to a cemetery nearby.



Her boyfriend just died.



- You met her at a funeral?

- Yeah.



The dude died

in a hang-gliding accident.



What an idiot!



"Oh, I'm hang gliding!



Honey, take a good picture...

I'm dead!"



What a freak!



You met her at a funeral.



Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding

every now and then,



but funerals are insane!



The chicks are so horny,

it's not even fair.



It's like fishing

with dynamite.



- Horny?

- Yeah, crazy horny.



I just...

at a funeral?!



Grief is nature's



most powerful aphrodisiac.



Look it up.



- I didn't know that.

- That's what I've learned.



Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!




I got one Saturday.



You're coming with!



Chaz, I'm...

I'm sorry, I don't...



I'm not judging you, 'cause I think

you're an innovator, but...



there's no way

I'm ready for that.



A time to plant,



and a time to pluck up

that which is planted;



A time to kill

and a time to heal;



A time to break down

and a time to build up;



A time to weep



and a time to laugh;



- A time to cast away stones...

- So senseless.



Damn you, Roger.






Damn you, Roger!



Damn it!

Damn you!



I'm in pain.



I'll try to fight it.

Try to fight it.



I don't know about you people,

but I'm in pain.



I know that there

is no good in them



for man to rejoice

and to do good in his life...



for that which befalleth



the sons of men,

befalleth beasts.



Even one thing befalleth,



as the one dieth,

so dieth the other.



Yea, they all have

one breath,



so that a man hath no preeminence

above the beast.



While each man thinks

he knows love,



love, we have learned,

is a mystery.



That's what makes today



so special.



We witness two people

choosing to marry



ones they truly love.



Whoa whoa, hey!



Hey hey!



He's the best man.






Thank you.



I don't believe this.



Hat in hand.



I'm sorry I'm late.



I'm glad you're here.



And-and I'm sorry

I called you white trash.



- I didn't...

- John, apology accepted.



And I'm sorry I called

you a hillbilly,



I don't even know

what that meant.



John, it's okay.



Do you mind

if I get married now?



No, go ahead.



Hi, Todd.



Although we may choose

whom we marry,



- we don't always choose...

- Psst.



Claire, I'm not here

to bother you,



I just came to be his best man.

Don't worry about me.



Pretend I'm not here.






I'm not a nut.



You look really pretty,

by the way.



That's all

I'm gonna say.



I can't stop

thinking about you.



It's all I think about

and I don't know what to do.



- Ahem.

- I'm sorry.



That's what makes today

so special...



God, I miss you.



Okay, excuse me,

I'm sorry.



Claire, hold on a second.

Claire, Claire!



Claire, will you wait

just a second?



All I wanted was

a second alone



so I could try

to explain things.



But I've never gotten

that chance.



Maybe I don't deserve it.



So here goes.



For longer than I care

to remember,



my business has been

crashing weddings.



I crashed weddings

to meet girls.



Business was good.



I met a lot of girls.



And it was childish,

it was juvenile...



And pathetic.



Yeah, that's probably



the best word

to describe it.



But you know what?

It also led me to you.



So it's hard for me

to completely regret it.



And that person that you met

back at your folks' place...



that was really me.



Maybe not my name...



I'm John Beckwith

by the way... or my job,



but the feelings we felt



the jokes,

the stupid laughs...



that was all me.



I've changed.

I've realized something.



I crashed a funeral

earlier, and l...



Oh, Jesus.



It wasn't my idea.



I was basically

dragged to it.



I went with Chaz, who you forgot

to tell me is totally insane.



He also might be

a genius



because it actually does work.

He's cleaning up.



- John.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.



That's neither here

nor there.



And I see this widow

and she's a wreck.



She's just lost the person

she loves the most in this world.



And I realized



we're all gonna lose

the people we love.



That's the way it is.



But not me,



not right now.



Because the person I love the most

is standing right here,



and I'm not ready

to lose you yet.



Claire, I'm not standing here asking

you to marry me.



I'm just asking you...



not to marry him.



And maybe take a walk.



Take a chance.









This congregation

really doesn't care



about how depressing

your life is, John, okay?



Claire, baby, could you just...

could you go back up on the altar



so we can have

a wedding?



I'm sorry.



I am.






I can't marry you.






your daughter's a little...



Sack, I've always

liked you...



so I put up

with your stories



about scallops

and otters,



and it's all good



because you seemed

to make her happy



and that's what matters

to me most.



But this is

her decision.



I stand by my daughter.



You don't know shit.



- Claire, go back up on the altar.

- No.



Claire! Claire, get up

on that altar right now.



- Stop it.

- Claire, get your fucking ass



- on that altar right now!

- Wow, getting a nice preview



or what marriage is gonna be like

with Ike Turner here.



- Sack!

- Oh God, here it goes.



Share that with

the Dalai Lama, jackass.



- I think I had him.

- I know you did.



Just go

kiss the broad.



Would it be a total cliché

if I kissed you right now?






Just wonderful.



So damn beautiful!



With every death

there comes rebirth.



It's the circle of life.



We're gonna be

all right.



- So, what's next?

- I'm starving.



Fujimora wedding,

 :   P.M.



I'm just throwing it out.

I'm just saying, just...



They would have

great tempura.



We don't even have

a back story, I just...



- No, forget it, forget it.

- I'm talking out loud.



We're a folk-singing group



- from Salt Lake City!

- Yeah!



Yes we are.



 In the morning

don't say you love me



'Cause I'll only kick you

out of the door



 Stay with me...



 Measure me

in metered lines



 And one decisive stare



 The time it takes



 To get from here

to there



 My ribs that show

through t-shirts



 And these shoes

I got for free



 I'm unconsoled



 I'm Ionely



 I am so much better



 Than I used to be



 And I'm leaning



 On this broken fence



 Between past

and present tense



 And I'm losing



 All those stupid games



 That I swore



 I'd never play



 But it almost

feels okay




this body



 Of wonder



 And uncertainty



 Armed with every

precious failure



 And amateur cartography



 I'm breathing deep




 I spread those maps out



 On my bedroom floor



 And I'm leaning



 On this broken fence



 Between past

and present tense



 And I'm losing



 All those stupid games



 That I swore



 I'd never play



 But it feels okay



 And I'm leaving



 With goodbye



 And I'm losing



 But I'll try



 With the last ways left



 To remember sing



 My imperfect offering.



 Sailing on this boat

away tonight



 Thinking I might drown

if the waves aren't right



 Wind pushing me

from side to side



 And I'm thinking



 Of what I had



 And my sweetheart



 And my sweetheart



 And if I never see you






 I just want you to know



 What I think



 Sunday took me out

for a walk in the park



 And as the dark ran round,

the track lights lit up



 People running round

in their shorts in the rain






 And again



 Thinking that you're

my sweetheart



 You're my sweetheart



 I can hardly see

the road



 But I'm gonna try



 Yeah, I'm gonna try



'Cause you're

my sweetheart



 You're my sweetheart



 And if I never see you






 I just want you to know



 What I think



 If you've got to run



 Yeah, I'll be there



 If you've got to run.



 Now Kiri waits it out



 But she's only young

enough for some things



 Healing the sick

and dumb



 And low on the radar,

the smoking gun



 We're moving fast enough

to function



 Fast enough

to function



 Maybe it's me



'Cause I seem to think

in twos and threes



 You find your open door



 And through the skids

I sail



 And keep that love





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