Voila! Finally, the The Wedding Planner
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jennifer Lopez and
Matthew McConaughey movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Wedding Planner. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
You may now kiss the bride.
From now on, he'll take care of you...
and you'll take care of him.
He'll makeyou big baloney sandwiches...
and you'll buy him new socks and a white briefcase.
And you'll live happily ever after.
You're the luckiest girl in the world, Barbie.
The luckiest girl in the world.
You are the luckiest girl in the world.
When I did Whitney Houston's wedding, she was even more nervous than you.
And you look ten times better than she did.
No, I don't.
This isn't gonna work.
And I'm gonna marry the wrong guy.
Look at me.
You are exquisite.
You're the envy ofyour future sister-in-law Janice...
whom I overheard say at the last gown fiitting, " Look at those thighs.
I'd kill for Tracy's thighs."
Butyou have more than great thighs.
You have the love ofa man named Tom.
A man who, when he walked into rehearsal dinner the other day...
said, "I can't believe she picked me.
I can't believe I'm marrying the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
That tells me that this marriage of yours is not only gonna work...
it's gonna last forever.
Oh, Mom, come here.
Hey, what areyou doing?
Keep to areas A, B and E. I don't want any interference with the video team.
I know whoyou're looking for. They're right downstairs.
- Father, where areyou going? - Nature calls.
You must call back later. We're about to start.
Let's go. Inside.
Penny, stop firting. We're going in one.
Penny, go to M- . We have a darkTower choking the AV.
Hi, ma'am. You're in the preferred seating list.
- Ifyou'll just follow me. - Bye.
There we go.
Enjoy the wedding from way back here.
All right. Places, everyone.
Todd, cut the fiill lights.
Maestro, on three.
Excuse me, Mary. We can't fiind the father ofthe bride.
That's okay. I got it. Penny, send over the FOB.
I did, minutes ago.
Cover me up north. The FOB is MIA.
Oh, no, no, no. Count to and start again, okay?
Father, you're gonna have to hold it.
Hey, guys, we're on. Come on, put your jackets on.
Hickory, dickory, dock. The mouse ran up the clock.
I have a on the FOB.
My little girl's getting married today.
I remember her graduation from nursery school...
when she was a little girl.
like it was yesterday.
- Who areyou? - I'm the wedding planner.
Look, there's the wedding planner.
She must lead such a romantic life.
"X" on a double letter. "A" on a triple word.
No, I challengeyou. " Earwax" is two words.
- It's one. - You're bluffiing.
" Munch." Sixteen points.
Maria, I know I'm a pain in the neck. I just wantyou to be happy.
I'm gonna say something thatyou may be a little resistant to...
but sometimes a father has to take action.
What areyou talking about?
I found you a man who has agreed to marry you.
Oh, my God!
Ifher motherwas alive...
and she heard that, she'd wish she was dead.
"Shaft." Twenty-two points.
Anyway, you know him. Remember Massimo?
Massimo Lenzetta, the little boyyou played with the summer we were in Italy?
- The kid who ate mud? - That's the one!
I bumped into him on New Arrivals Night at the Sicilian Association.
Why, this is the most wonderful day ofmy life!
A man of my very own!
- You must bring me to him at once. - No need.
- He's here? - Yeah.
- He's here? He's here? - Massimo.
- No, he didn't. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You remember Massimo?
That mud did him good.
The last time I see you, you were scrawny and ugly...
and your head was too big foryour body.
How nice. Thank you.
I look forward to our life together.
I want three sons and a garden oftomatoes.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
The paper, and I'm gonna take that Yahoo too.
- Keep it. - Thanks.
- Seeya. - Bye.
- You look all excited. - I am.
- Mary, I need-- - Can you take it, please?
Her family sold gourmet sausages out of the working-class kitchen.
- Yeah? - Now today, five years later...
they're one ofthe biggest Internet food specialty companies in America.
Pierre, I loveyou, but ifyou use another carnation in my bouquet...
I will deport you.
- Thank you so much. - Geri.
They put her wedding announcement in the society pages. Why?
Because theywant their new money to be taken very seriously.
Sheila! Book the Gazebo Package for the Belettis, okay?
Take this ugly fower.
Call davis and tell him we need a rush order on the chuppa rental.
- What the hell is this? - Sunless tanning cream.
Wedding's tomorrow. You do the math.
Stop crying. Quarter cup oflemonjuice, halfa cup ofsalt and a loofah sponge.
- Really? - Scrub, scrub, scrub. Okay?
Look, they see this as their ticket into the club.
They wanna make it a social event, the party everybody talks about.
Oh, thankyou, Sheila.
I already made contact. They're coming to the Copeland wedding to see mywork.
I'm gonna nail this account.
We'll be in every major bridal magazine in the country.
- It'll be our biggest event ever. - Good.
When I pull it off, you're gonna make me a partner.
- A partner? - Yes.
Okay, you are fantastic.
Really, you're incredible.
Very good work, but let me tell you something.
I built this business on my back.
I sweat, I toiled.
I did things a little, innocent wedding planner shouldn't even hear about.
I won't even say it.
I made the big plans, okay? I made the sacrifiices.
You also never made any money.
Until I came along.
Look, I've been here for five years, Geri.
I bring in more revenue than all of your other wedding planners combined.
- That's great. - Times fiive!
You need me.
You knowyou need me.
- I know you know that you need me. - I don't know that.
You know, maybe I should just start my own company.
You wouldn't dare.
If I nailed the donolly account and you made me a partner...
you'd save me the trouble ofdesigning my own letterhead.
Let me see. What font would I use?
- You'regonnabeapartner! - I gotta get the account fiirst.
Please, Mary, you're totally gonna get the account.
The Greenburg marriage lasted oneyear, two months. You win the pot again.
How doyou do it? I was more than fouryears off.
"I Honestly Love You" by Olivia Newton-John was theirwedding song.
Puts them in the -month divorce range.
Speaking ofhonest love, Jed was asking aboutyou again.
I don't trust a man who gets regular pedicures.
- You haven't had a date in twoyears. - Your point?
Ifyou're not interested inJed...
there is a handsome Italian man waiting to marry you in the lobby.
Hide me. did you talk to him?
Just for a few minutes. He is so adorable.
- He's not adorable. - How can you say that?
When we were kids, he followed me for a summer asking me ifI had a vagina.
I think that's adorable.
I gotta get out ofhere.
- Grab that side. - You shouldn't hold that against him.
You should give him a chance. He was a little boy.
Maybe he wanted to be a doctor. Besides, you do have a vagina.
My, this is hard to push all by myself.
Mayyou have enough happiness to keep you sweet...
enough trials to keep you strong...
enough hope to keep you happy...
Enough friends to give you comfort.
enough friends to give you comfort...
- Enough determination... - and enough determination...
- to make each day a better day... - to make each day...
- a better day... - thanyesterday.
- than yesterday. - Raiseyourglass.
Congratulations, you guys. I loveyou both.
What? You think Kissinger came up with his own stuff?
Youjust fed the best man his speech.
Smooth. Real smooth.
You must be Francine. I saw your article in Yahoo.
- Very impressive. - God, I hate that picture.
It made me look like a psychotic poodle.
My fiiance has got to see this.
He will just die.
- He should be here by now. - Most grooms are NI ds.
" Not Into details."
That's Eddie, all right.
- I want you to meet my parents. - Okay.
Thanks, doll. That rocked.
Mary, meet my parents, Kitty andJack.
- How doyou do? - So nice to meetyou.
- dad, are you eating the food? - Mm-hmm.
Champagne is delightful. Cristal? d.P.?
- Actually, it's Taittinger. - Exquisite.
Mother, we're not guests. You're not supposed to be drinking the champagne.
You give my little girl whatever she wants, no expense spared.
I'll be faxing you a list ofthe songs I'll be performing at the reception.
And none ofthose mini egg rolls. A lot ofimportant people are coming.
- We've got an impression to make. - We haven't hired heryet.
And as previously discussed in detail, you won't be singing at the wedding.
I'm sorry, Mary. Hi.
The belly dancer's here, and she has a tattoo ofan--
It's okay. Penny, I wantyou to meet the donollys.
- This is one ofmy associates, Penny. - Pleasure.
What I need you to do is go to the offiice and prepare the Murdoch fiile.
The Murdoch fiiles. Right.
All right now, wedding woman.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
What doyou see for ourwedding?
Well, now, having metyou...
off the top of my head...
dubounce Botanical Gardens.
White, silk tents thin enough to see the stars.
Exotic waringin trees imported from Bali.
I'm thinking Gatsby.
Not a period wedding...
but the spirit ofit, the time.
I nailed it, Geri. Yeah, but they want it in three months.
They're going forJune. I know.
The clock is ticking. Put Penny on.
Guess what, Miss Moneypenny?
Hold on, Penny.
This shoe is stuck.
Not my good shoes.
Oh, my goodness.
My new Gucci shoe.
Oh, are you okay? Areyou okay?
- Okay. - Where's my shoe?
Your shoe? You got it right here.
Now talk to me. How areyou feeling?
Areyou experiencing any dizziness, nausea, diffiiculty breathing?
The breathing thing rings a bell.
Then again, you are on top ofme, cutting offmy air supply.
Your mental clarity's excellent. That's good. That's good.
don't appear to have a concussion.
You took quite a fall.
Why are you still on top ofme?
That's a good question.
You see that dumpster there? Seems that dumpster tried to kill you.
You were standing in the middle ofthe road, and it was coming right atyou.
Just takeyour time. Sit up straight. You okay?
Your shoe was what I was going for. Youjust turned out to be a bonus.
Come on. We're gonna try and get up. Takeyour time.
Here we go. I gotyou. I gotyou.
I gotyou, okay?
You smell like sweet red plums...
and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Okay. Hereyou go.
Yeah, I get that all the time. Thank you.
All right. Hold up! All right.
Yup, she's dead, all right.
- You think she's going to heaven? - defiinitely.
She's got the cleanest toes I've ever seen.
Where am I?
You're at the children's ward ofSt. Vincent's Hospital.
I'm your doctor. Try not to talk.
I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed!
Ifyou're moving your arms and legs, you're clearly not paralyzed.
Yes, thankyou. There's my fashlight.
Thankyou. How's our patient doing?
- It was touch and go for a while. - Was it? What doyou recommend?
I think she needs more fuids.
Why don'tyou go load her up with cc's of Yoo-Hoo, all right?
Here we go.
- You're the guy-- - Steve Edison.
I'm the supervising pediatrician here.
- Mary-- - Fiore. Yeah, I know.
I had to go through your wallet to get your identifiication.
I must say, I've never met anyone who alphabetized her credit cards before.
Here's the skinny on you.
YourX-rays are fiine. Hemoglobin levels are normal.
We'rejust waiting on the CAT scan to be processed, then we can get you out.
You can take this offnow.
- Oh, you've got a big neck. - I have a big neck?
don't get me wrong. It's a fiine neck.
It'sjust that haven't had a patient over the age of six in three years.
What happened toyour hand?
My hand. You fell on it with your big neck.
Your CAT scan came back, and it's all clear.
- So I'm okay? - You're better than new.
Speaking ofnew, that's a pretty modern girl you have there.
- Who? - Your girlfriend.
No, that's my sister. I guess you could say she's modern.
The last time I saw her, she had a spike through her chin.
What I don't understand is how she got near the dumpster!
- Oh, my God, you're alive! - How did you fiind me?
I'm so happy! The nurse found my phone number taped toyour Palm Pilot.
She told me what happened, and--
Is this the guy who saved you?
I wouldn't exactly call it a rescue.
I wasjust in the right place at the right time.
Well, aren'tyoujust the modern-day hero?
Penny Nicholson. Nice to meet you.
I'm Steve Edison. Nice to meet you too.
Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Mary's gonna be fiine.
So, you must work long hours. Areyou working late tonight?
No, I'm not even on duty tonight.
You know, Mary and I were gonna go to Golden Gate Park.
They show old movies on the side ofthe museum.
You should come with us.
- We won't take no for an answer. - Will you leave him alone, please?
Oh, you don't want me to go?
Ofcourse she wants you to go.
You know, the truth is, doctor...
that I've been thinking about a career in medicine.
Something medicinal orwhatnot.
I'd really like to just pick apart your brain.
- do not leave me here. - I know what's best foryou.
I'm gonna get you over this Keith thing once and for all!
It's only been sixyears.
It's not a date!
do not leave me alone. Please.
- It's foryour own good. - don'tyou dare!
- There he is. - There's your gum ball.
Thankyou. Oh, good. Boy, you can never get the colors you want.
darn it. I just remembered that I promised...
my friend's brother's godmother...
that I would help her...
change her fax cartridge tonight...
because she's going out oftown tomorrow...
on an African safari.
I should go do that.
I'm really sorry that we're not gonna be able to have that...
- medical chat. - Medical chat, yeah.
- Penny. - Wow.
Goodness, I hope her...
friend's brother's godmother is gonna be okay.
You know, I have reserved seating.
- All right. - Okay. Let's go.
- Thanks for guarding my tree. - Yes, I'm guarding your tree.
There's your blanket right there underyour tree I kept foryou.
- Thankyou, Burt. This is Steve Edison. - Steve, how you do? Nice to meet you.
- Pleased to meetyou. - It's about time you had a date.
- It's not-- - What line of business are you in?
- I'm a doctor at St. Vincent's. - You a doctor?
He's a doctor. Well, I get the hint.
Seeyou at the Scrabble practice, kid.
Sorry. I'm so sorry about that.
Please, don't ask.
Come on. You can't leave me hanging on that.
"Seeyou at Scrabble practice, kid"? What's that?
I'm a member of the BayArea Scrabble Club.
- Pathetic, I know. - Wow.
- What? - That is pathetic.
At least I can spell. What can you do?
- I throw a mean yo-yo. - You know what?
- No more caramel corn foryou. - I'm serious.
How'd you get into it? I've never met a member ofa Scrabble Club before.
That's for sure.
When my parents came over from Italy...
the yjoined a Scrabble Club so they could learn English.
After my mom died, my dad became, like, obsessed with the game...
and wanted me to playwith him all the time...
so I guess, in a way, I was destined.
What areyou doing?
I only eat the brown ones.
'Cause I fiigure they have less artifiicial coloring...
'cause chocolate's already brown.
That's very scientifiic ofyou, dr. Steve.
So where would one go to see a Scrabble match?
Oh, look. It's starting.
- Oh, that'sbeautiful. - Youlikeit?
This is by far the coolest thing I've ever done in this city.
- the brigh ter the starsglow - Wanna dance?
I don't know. I haven't danced in quite some time.
- Okay. - Girl asks you to dance, you dance.
Burt's right. Yes, Mary, I would love to dance.
- No pressure. - It's too late now.
Where'd you learn to dance like this?
Oh, you're gay.
Oh, yeah, the gayest.
My mother put me in ballroom classes...
when I was eight years old.
She wanted me to be Fred Astaire. I wanted to be Marcus Welby.
So nowyou're a little bit ofboth?
I thinkyou're being kind.
You can stop that. I'm gonna blush.
How's your thumb?
My next Scrabble match is Saturday...
at : at the north side YMCA.
It'll be the social event ofthe season.
Maybeyou should be there.
- Maybeyou shouldn't step on my foot. - did I?
- Yes. - I'm sorry.
That's okay. Just don't let it happen again.
don't tell me what to do.
Areyou guys crazy? This isn't funny!
I am thinking teal for the bridesmaids. What doyou think?
Good morning. Earth to Mary.
What is up with you? You're different.
I'm not different. How am I different?
You can't stop smiling.
I'm not smiling. Am I smiling?
Like a fool.
- Tell me. - It's nothing.
Then stop smiling.
- I can't. - Okay, who is he?
Okay. No, no!
Mr. Kotsioupolis, you cannot throw plates at the Ritz-fucking-Carlton!
This is like a fairy tale.
He saves your life. You dance under the stars.
- You kiss in the rain. - Almost kissed.
I don't know, Fran. I've been so out ofthe dating-relationship loop.
You know, those who can't do, teach? Those who can't wed, plan.
With my help, you could marry this man in three months.
I have totally lost control. Will you please, please, please help me?
Penny, ifyou can't beat 'em--
- What has gotten intoyou? - She met a guy.
You met a guy? You mean--
- I wanna hear all about it! - I oweyou one, Penny.
You do. You owe me one!
- Hello, Rene. How areyou? - Great.
Listen, they're gonna be signing up for six classes.
Sojust be sure to pay up front, okay?
Basil himself is gonna be here today.
- Really? - Yes.
I'll have to call you back. Okay. Bye.
Mary, what areyou doing here?
Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed.
I may be a hell ofa businesswoman...
but when I dance, I look like a retarded string bean.
I thoughtyour class wasn't till Thursday though.
I know. We had to change it. But this is perfect.
You can fiinally meet Eddie. Come here. Eddie.
Eddie, come here.
I wantyou to meet the wedding planner.
The two most important people in my life set eyes on one another.
Eddie, this is Mary, the wedding planner.
Mary, this is my fiiance Eddie.
- Mary, areyou okay? - Uh-huh. Yup. Good.
Let's see who that is.
Hi, dad. Wait.
I can't hear you. Hang on. All right. Okay, I gotyou.
Okay, I'm losing you again. I'm sorry.
Shoot. Okay, wait, wait. Hello. doyou hear me?
Quickly, people. Getyour tootsies out here, pronto.
Quickly, people. Get your tootsies out here, pronto.
Welcome to the Basil St. Mosely School of dance.
I am Basil St. Mosely.
Hang on. I can't hearyou. Wait a second. I can't hearyou.
You're breaking up. Hang on.
I'd like all my lovely couples, dancing partners, paired up in twos...
ready to dance, not next week, not tomorrow, but now.
- dance with Eddie. - I can't.
Quickly. Is there a problem in the room?
Pronto, people. I'd like us to still beyoung when this class is over.
I have to take this call.
darling, I understand you're busy. I'm busy too.
- You're holding up the class. - She's with him.
Mary, watch out for his thumb. He hurt it saving some old lady.
- Sorry, I can't. - Listen, I got a prior engagement.
Interesting choice ofwords.
Wallfowers, it's time to blossom and bloom.
Obviously, what we have here, people, is a fear ofdancing.
It's my fiirm belief we must conquer one's fears.
Now, I have to gauge what I am dealing with...
so I will play music, you will dance...
and I will observe.
Mary, would you like to dance?
Have no fear. dance. dance.
- Old lady, huh? - Listen, this is--
- You told meyour name was Steve. - It is Steve.
My last name is Edison. Fran calls me Eddie. It's a nickname.
I have a better nickname foryou. How about common, cheating, sleazy--
What I'm thinking involves a machete and a pair ofpliers.
- The day thatyou had the accident. - That was a special day.
It was. I was running late.
I was meeting Fran and ourwedding planner, which you turned out to be.
What are the odds?
don't dance around the issue. You didn't show 'causeyou don't wanna get married.
- I see it all the time. - You see what?
Why'd you tell your fiiancee you saved an old lady?
You thinkyou want to get married, butyou don't.
You're pitiful and confused, looking to get some hot pepperwhereveryou can.
Mary, you have no idea whatyou're talking about.
Why did you go to the movies with me?
Why did Steve go to the movies with you? Let's see.
First ofall, Steve likes the movies.
Steve had the night off.
Steve said, " Hey, you know what?
A movie sounds good." Plus he got an invitation.
Why is Steve referring to himself in the third person?
What areyou talking about?
Thinkyou can double-talkyourway out, throw me offyour scent? I smell you!
And I smell like sweet red plums and grilled cheese sandwiches.
- What? - Yes.
- Soyou said beforeyou passed out. - I did not!
You did too. Ifanybodywas looking to get some, it's M-A-R-Y.
You are hideous.
Okay. Then why'd you ask me to dance?
- I didn't. - You did too.
- I did not. - You said, "Would you like to dance?"
And even ifI did, I'm not the one who's engaged.
It was a dance.
Whoop-dee-doo. It didn't mean anything.
Then why'd you almost kiss me?
This pair, this lovely couple...
they have it, they know what it takes.
We need to powwow.
As soon as dad mentioned it, I went, "Ofcourse."
Everybody knows that it's the place to get married.
Sure, Fran. A vineyard sounds perfect.
- We should check it out right away. - I already have.
We have reservations for this weekend, butyou'll have to take off Friday.
Friday? Friday's not good for me. I have a diverticulitis seminar planned.
- Okay. Saturday. - Saturday.
Saturday. All right, Mary? Thanks for everything.
Nice to meetyou. Thanks for the dance. We'll letyou know how it all goes.
- Pleasure to meetyou. - Wait a second. She's coming with us.
- I'm coming? - She's comin'?
You are not quitting the donollywedding!
I gotta tell Geri I'm offthe account.
the only good reason to quit a wedding is ifyou break the cardinal rule...
which is ridiculous because we both know you did not fall in love with the groom.
No, ofcourse not.
I'd never get emotionally involved.
It's the doctor.
I'm confused. Is it the doctor, or did you fall for the groom?
No, the doctor is the groom. The groom is the doctor.
The doctor is Fran donolly's fiiance!
The dumpster girl is yourwedding planner?
Yes. I'm in hell.
And I'm in heaven. Nowyou can fiix me up with her.
I'm not fiixing you up, dr.John. Look, this is complicated enough.
You are one ofthe top wedding planners...
in this great, big, thriving metropolis.
Look on the positive side. He gotyou to open up again.
Thank the bastard and move on.
You cannot tell meyou would sacrifiice your entire career over this!
You're not telling me thatyou think it's a mistake to marry Fran now?
I don't think it's a mistake to marry Fran. Fran is great.
what ifwhat I think is great really is great...
but it's not as great as something greater?
You will go through with this wedding!
Becauseyou deserve this partnership. You've earned it!
- You're right. - Ofcourse I'm right.
Your feelings for her, that's not chemistry, that's anxiety.
- It's nature. - It's natural.
Natural. It's not chemistry, it's anxiety.
I can do this. I can plan this wedding.
The feelings I have for Fran run deep.
It's not something that can be swept away in one night with one dance.
Not gonna happen.
- What the hell was I thinking? - You were thinking wrong.
I was thinking wrong. I was being ajackass. Come on, Steve.
I can treat thatjackass like any other faceless groom.
That'sjust what I'm gonna do. Why?
Because he's nothing! Because I love a challenge!
And because I am a goddamn professional!
- Soyou're gonna give me her number? - No, I'm not.
I thought that we had everything covered...
but then I realized Eddie and I don't have a wedding song.
So I got this wedding compilation to see ifwe can fiind one.
Okay, here we go.
- What doyou think? - That's groovy.
- I like it. - Let's see what else there is.
- What doyou think ofthis one? - That's groovy too. I like it.
It's kinda cute.
Oh, my God.
Olivia Newton-John. I love this song.
- Ihonestlyloveyou - This is perfect, isn't it?
Yes, it is perfect.
- It is. - Yes.
Nothing. It's nothing.
- What, is it a bad song? - No, I think it's absolutely perfect.
- See? It's perfect. - It's perfect?
Yes, it is. It's perfect.
You think so? We have a song!
I can't believe it. We have a song.
What's that, like, ?
Oh, I've been meaning to askyou, speaking oflove...
what happened to that guy?
You know, the one thatyou danced with--
There was a damn deer in the road.
So, what happened?
- didn't work out. - How is that possible?
I sawyou three days later, and you still had stars in your eyes.
Well, he turned out to be the groom ofone ofthe weddings I was planning.
That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.
I would hate to be a single gal with all those creeps running around out there.
Yeah, Fran, you're really lucky.
I suppose they'd like to see the gardens fiirst. don'tyou think, Mary?
I suppose they'd like to see the gardens fiirst. don'tyou think, Mary?
Over here is where the actual ceremony would take place.
What areyou doing here?
Your papa tell me whereyou are, so I come to surpriseyou.
I made this foryou.
And who is this?
- I'm her fiiance. - What?
- Buongiorno. I am Massimo. - I'm Steve.
And I'm Fran.
Oh, my God, Mary, I cannot believe you didn't tell us you were engaged.
Mary, you're engaged!
After all the weddings we've done together, now fiinally it's your turn.
- And I am her fiiance. - Congratulations.
We're gonna have to plan something very special this weekend to celebrate.
- It won't be necessary. - Yes, it will, because it is wonderful.
It is wonderful.
You've found that somebody special in your life...
to be honest and faithful to...
until the end oftime, no matterwhat.
You must take that moment, Mary.
And I am her fiiance.
- We're ready for our tour now. - Certainly.Just follow me.
This wedding putting-together is not ajob for a man.
You staywith me and we will do the manly bonding.
Manly bonding. You and me.
We'll let the ladies-- I mean, the brides-to-be--
we'll let them go do their thing.
How cute is he?
He's so cute.
How long you known Mary?
Way before she had the breasts.
Believe me, back then she did not look so good.
Look. A center for the physical fiitness.
We do the bonding. Follow me.
We do the bonding.
Take it easy there, buddy.
- I like the speed. - You like the speed.
Run like a man!
Well, here we are.
Hi, bunny. Wedding woman.
Mr. donolly. Hello, Mrs. donolly.
What tookyou guys so long?
We found seven ofthe most adorable vineyards on the way up.
- Right by the side ofthe road. - All you can drink.
- Really? Great. - Oh, honey, doyou mind?
- How many is that foryou? - Sixty-fiive.
- How many? - Sixty-fiive.
Another plus is that their chefis rated one ofthe three best on the West Coast.
I really like it, dad.
You know who else was married here? LesleyAnn Martin.
Herb Martin's daughter? Forget it. This place is out.
I'm not following in Herb Martin's shoddy footsteps.
- I didn't see a stage either. - Find something bigger.
Eddie, what on earth--
What areyou doing?
Yeah,just a second.
Good move, honey.
From this valley
It's "going," honey.
I'm starting a nonprofiit pediatric foundation. I want Eddie to head it up.
Can you imagine Eddie CEO ofa major medical foundation?
He wants to give up his patients?
He does. Hejust doesn't know ityet.
He has a hard time leaving people behind.
Always do the right thing.
I'm sure he doesn't always do the right thing.
Mom, would you please shut up!
Whoa! Heel, boy! Heel! Heel!
Pull on the reins!
Stop! Oh, God!
Horsey! Horsey! Horsey!
Hang on, Mary!
I gotyou! I gotyou!
On the count ofthree. One, two, three!
Oh, my God. You could've been killed.
- It's important to learn how to ride. - Yeah.
- Eddie, you're riding backwith Mary. - No, no, really.
don't let her out ofyour sight.
And the good news is, I have the wine!
As I walkedouton
- Thankyou forwhatyou did. - No problem.
You don't have to be all smug about it.
How about a quick recap here, Mary?
You harpoon me for being engaged...
when, in a zippy and unexpected twist, you yourselfturn out to have a fiiance.
Nowyou have the nerve to call me smug?
Come on, Mary. What the hell is your problem?
You're the one with the problem.
I've been doing this a long time...
and I can predict down to the week how long a couple's going to last.
Areyou aware that Fran has chosen teal for her bridesmaids?
Teal, the color ofgangrene.
My last bride who chose teal got her marriage annulled in days.
Oh, oh, and "I Honestly Love You" as yourwedding song?
You might as well commit matrimonial suicide right now.
You want a confession in blood? Huh? All right.
That night at the movie, I was attracted toyou.
I was. You caught me. I admit it.
I mean, let's see, maybe I was a little unsure about the whole marriage thing.
I don't know, maybe I wasjust being a guy...
and an opportunity presented itself.
I never thought I'd seeyou again.
Bottom line? Nothing happened.
Now, more than ever, I believe Fran is the one for me.
I would say, based on the evidence...
all your theories on love sound like the rantings ofa bitter, cynical woman.
Once I walkedout on thestreets ofLaredo
On thestreets withme
There's my good boy.
What's going on?
I am measuring you foryourwedding dress.
dad, I want my house key back. dad, dad, please.
Where's that old wedding dress?
Now we can fiinally get rid ofthis.
dad, put that back!
Hey, Mary, what doyou want on your bagel?
No bagel. No wedding dress. No wedding.
But Massimo said you announced your engagement.
I never said that.
My God, this is like the blind date that wouldn't end.
You're frightened by a mounting attraction for him.
Oh, that's disgusting.
- I told you Mismo was full ofcrap. - No Mismo! Massimo!
Go toast the bagel.
Yeah, I'll toast when I see fiit.
Mismo, Massimo or any other kind of"mo."
dad, you cannot push some guy at me.
That's not how it works.
You know that. You had Ma.
Yes, and I didn't meet her until the day ofourwedding.
What areyou talking about?
Your mother and I had an arranged marriage.
An arranged marriage?
Wemeton the dayofour wedding.
We couldn't even look at each other.
I was in love with another girl...
and your mother wanted nothing to do with me.
She said I had big eyebrows and a low IQ
Anyway, one day...
I got very sick with scarlet fever...
and she stayed by my side.
She took good care ofme.
For the fiirst time...
I appreciated her.
Then the appreciation grew to respect.
Respect grew to like.
Then like grew to love.
A deeper love than I could ever hope for.
So give Massimo a chance.
Maybeyou don't like him now...
but maybe you might love him later.
I should've told you about your mother and I a long time ago.
Maybe then you'd feel differently about love.
I don't feel anything about love.
What doyou think, Mary?
Oh, the park's great.
You guys would be the fiirst. No one else has been married here before.
Well, we'd have to construct the site from scratch...
but at leastyou wouldn't have to cut the guest list.
dad would love it.
And what about the bride and groom-to-be?
- I say, let's take it. - I thinkwe should keep looking.
- Really? - Maybe I should giveyou guys a minute.
You don't like it?
I don't know.
All right, ifthis is whatyou want, then I'm-- I'm fiine with it.
doyou see why I'm marrying this guy?
Because he is so good to me.
Yep, you two will have no problem planning the wedding while I'm gone.
- I beg your pardon? -Just for a week.
- Gone? - I've got to fy back east.
We're looking at buying out a few ofour manufacturers.
- Fran, this is a really critical time. - That's whywe shouldn't lose momentum.
You guys will do a greatjob. I trustyou.
Fran wants statues at the wedding.
A well-chosen sculpture can help enhance the tone and theme ofthe ceremony.
Something like this could be nice.
A little depressing, isn't it?
No, it's wistful and romantic.
I always pictured a small wedding myself.
Close friends and family.
On the beach somewhere. Cool, salty breeze.
You know, the Aphrodite we passed on the way in might be perfect.
What about this guy?
Well, this is all wrong for a wedding. It's too menacing.
Mary, I thinkyou're wrong.
He's not menacing. He's masculine.
He's the protector.
- This man is strong. - He's naked.
This man is sturdy.
Oh, my God.
Pick him up before somebody sees.
You all right?
- The man is heavy. - Oh, my God, there's a guard coming.
Oh, my God.
You castrated him.
The guard's coming this way.
- I'm sorry, buddy. - We gotta fiix him.
What doyou got? Oh, ofcourse. Krazy Glue.
Why didn't I bring Krazy Glue, in case his pecker fell off?
- All right, ready? - Is it sticking?
- You got it? - Yeah, he's on. Oh, shit.
Steve's stuck. Steve's glued to his pecker.
- Hi. - Hi there.
Sir, touching the statues isn't permitted.
You're right. It's limestone, not granite.
We had a bet going. She won.
- Sir. - Yeah?
Your hand, sir.
Yeah, my hand.
Here it is. You were right.
A limestone penis.
You'd think he'd be bigger, huh?
What elseyou got in that?
My entire universe.
- I'm sorry-- - I'm sorry--
- I'm sorry. Go ahead. - No, you go.
I'm sorry about Napa.
I didn't mean to call you bitter and cynical. You're not.
And I'm sorry, what I said about your marriage being doomed to fail.
Well, I apologize for saying you werejust an opportunity.
That was pretty ugly ofme.
And I was only halfserious about the teal bridesmaid thing.
Well, at least I have a - chance, right?
You and Fran are gonna be real happy together.
So areyou and Massimo. It's gonna work.
Yeah, well, um, we're not engaged anymore.
- Really? - Really.
- Areyou okaywith that? - Yeah.
It was more my dad trying to get us together.
Whywould he want to do that?
Well, probably because he was so happywith my mom.
Fran said to go forward with the violet chocolate--
- The chocolate one? - The one thatyou suggested.
Good. Then I'll put in that order today.
- How is Fran? - She's good.
She's making deals, kickin' butt. You know, being Fran.
Oh, nicely done.
- Thankyou, Mary. - You're welcome.
You wanna keep it?
Wow, it's a nice day.
I agree with you about the small wedding.
That's the way I'd do it too.
How nice to seeyou.
Where's my father?
He's out buying the balloons for Burt's birthday party.
Tell him I was here.
Areyou mad with me?
I'm mad atyou.
You told my father we were engaged.
He tried to measure me for a wedding dress.
What is the matterwith you? You never listen.
Massimo, we are not going to be together like that. Okay?
- And why areyou in my father's house? - I am sorry. I will leaveyou alone.
From now on, I'll no longer botheryou. We will bejust friends.
Oh, you thinkwe can be friends just like that?
I want to apologize for any madness I caused you.
Is this a trick?
No tricks. I'm very serious.
I just want for us to be buddy-buddy.
doyou have plans for dinner?
As a friend, I want to make foryou a wonderful...
Sit. I will start.
That's your specialty? Instant macaroni and cheese?
It is a low-budget wonder.
Already today, I've eaten three boxes.
Nothing like a well-balanced diet.
- You remind me so much ofyour mother. - You don't remember my mother.
Yeah, I rememberyour mother.
She had the same big smile...
and the same dark hair.
She had no nail on her little fiinger. I don't rememberwhy.
A brick fell on it when she was little. It never grew back.
You see? We have much history together.
I guess we sort ofdo.
You look like you have much on your mind.
Not at all.
Well, we're friends...
and friends listen when friends are not feeling so good...
so please to tell me.
There's nothing to tell.
I thought I could control everything, and I can't.
I met someone who I thought was--
Well, he's not.
did you ever like somebody, but the timing was off?
You feel things you should not be feeling?
I'm not making any sense.
You make much sense.
You long for him the way I long foryou.
I don't wantyou to think--
I want to tell you something.
You need to learn patience.
Love can't always be perfect.
Love isjust love.
My mom used to say that.
Your motherwas a verywise woman.
We'll start with camellias as a base, and anything else thatjumps out atyou.
- Let me know. - Okay.
We don't need any more statues.
How about this beauty?
This is called a bleeding heart...
the offiicial funeral fower ofTibet.
I knew I'd be good at this.
I'll take some Slit-My-Wrists-Susans...
and we'll be ready.
How'd you guys meet?
- Me and Fran? - Yeah.
She was in one ofyour classes?
No, she was a bookie, actually.
- Fran was a bookie? - Yeah, she was.
She single-handedly established...
this underground gambling ring at UC Berkeley...
took bets on every sporting event imaginable, ran numbers...
and even hosted a Vegas night at her sorority house.
- You're lying. - No, that was Fran.
- Orchids? does that work? - Yeah, orchids would work.
Yeah, she was the coolest.
I was the bookworm, she was the wild child, and she picked me.
- Thankyou. - Enjoy.
- How about cabbage? - My God.
- What's the matter? -Just hide me.
- Mary, what areyou doing? - don't say my name!
Oh, my God.
I found it.
Hi. Howyou doing? I'm Steve Edison.
Keith Richmond. Mywife Wendy.
Nice to meetyou, Wendy.
So, how doyou all know each other?
- It's a long story. - Oh, let me tell it.
It's really a funny story.
was my fiiance.
And Wendywas his high school girlfriend.
On the night ofour rehearsal dinner, I found them making out.
In my car.
I think that covers all the high points.
did I leave anything out?
- You all right? - Yeah.
You wanna go up?
All right? You okay?
Jezebel was the only queen in the Bible to be eaten by dogs.
- did she fall down in the street? - That's yours.
Hang on. Hang on.
- Mr. and Mrs. Wilfred Barber. - No, it's not that one.
Nancy Pong? C?
- Yes. - Nancy, would you buzz us in, please?
It's Mary Fiore, H.
You don't know me.
We haven't met because...
I'm a control freak...
and I don't have time for people.
But ifyou ever need to borrow a cup ofsugar...
I can't helpyou...
'cause I don't have time to shop.
I wanna go home.
We are home.
We'rejust out on the porch.
and they're gonna have a baby.
And he looked good.
No, he didn't.
- No, he really didn't. - He did.
Hold it there, please. Thankyou. Here we go. We're in.
-I don't know him. -I know, but he'll hold the door for us.
Come here. Here we go. Stand up.
Hold that position. Here we go.
We gotyour beer, we gotyour purse, we gotyou, we gotyour keys.
Hi there. Here we go.
This is somebody that lives in the same building. Thankyou.
Areyou Nancy Pong?
Okay, a little bit more.
A little fiire.
You really don't think he looked good?
Oh, no. He looked old.
Unhappy and fat. He put on a couple pounds.
He said theywerejust friends...
but deep down, I knew better.
I wasjust a stand-in.
A poor man's Wendy.
She threw my bridal shower for me.
She even took time to freeze mint leaves and raspberries in ice cubes.
That should've tipped me off right there.
She was trying too hard.
It's a good thing I didn't marry him.
But most ofthe time I think...
I just wasn't enough.
No, no, no, you're wrong.
And another thing.
she's nothing but a poor man's Mary.
It's getting late.
I'd better go.
I'll walkyou to the door.
- That's all right. Stay there. - No, it's okay.
- Wait. - Takeyour time. You all right?
Thanks for tonight. I know that I was a mess.
No, you weren't a mess.
A little bit.
- You gonna be okay? - Yeah.
Two aspirin, a lot ofwater, sleep, and a beer in the morning.
That's the cure.
- Good night, Mary. - Good night.
You ever think about that night in the park?
I barely knowyou.
I don't knowyour dad's fiirst name.
I don't know ifyou everwore braces or contacts or glasses.
I have no idea howyou came to be a wedding planner, Mary.
But I know the curves ofyour face...
and I know every feck ofgold in your eyes.
And I know that that night in the park...
was the best time I've ever had.
Please say something.
I'm a magnet for unavailable men...
and I'm sick ofit.
I know Fran.
I respect her.
And she loves you.
So, besides your tux measurements...
that's all I need to know.
Please go away.
Good night, Mary.
How doyou word an invitation...
where both sets ofparents are paying for the wedding...
the groom is in the military, about to receive a medical degree...
and the bride is a widow whose father recently had a sex-change operation...
and now goes by the name Sugar Pie deSanto?
- Mary? - What is it?
A little tense?
Just terribly, terribly...
What's the matter?
I came back early.
Why? I mean, is everything okay?
I've discovered something.
I've been blind. I didn't want to see it.
I tried to ignore the signs.
I thinkyou know what I'm talking about.
Let me explain. It's not whatyou think.
Yes, it is.
I can't go through with this wedding.
I was in a meeting talking about Boccolino mozzarella...
and it hit me that this isn't going to work.
I can't stand the way he chews on pen caps...
or the songs that he sings in the shower.
It drives me nuts, how he hikes up his left pant leg after he's eaten too much.
Is Eddie gonna be the last man that I sleep with...
I've been with him so long, I don't even know whywe're together anymore.
Look at me.
You are exquisite.
And you have the love ofa man named Steve.
A man who, whileyou were away having meetings about mozzarella, said to me...
"I can't believe she picked me.
I can't believe I'm marrying the most incredible woman I've ever met."
So that tells me that this marriage ofyours...
is not only gonna work...
it's gonna last forever.
Let me pray, let me pray.
Hope he didn't spit on the cake.
Come on. Open upyour presents.
No, no, please. Everyone, I want to make some toast.
- Happy birthday, Burt. - Salute.
Buddy Burt. Salvatore.
I want to thank Salvatore for taking me into his life...
and introducing me to all you wonderful people.
Hold on a moment.
Where is he going?
I know I never done the right thing, I never say the right thing...
and I act like a fool.
I know I say we'rejust buddy-buddy friends...
but that would not be true to my heart.
So I would askyou this one question.
And ifyou answer no...
then I will leaveyou alone once and for all.
Be mywife, Mary Fiore...
and I will take care ofyou and be true toyou...
and, like this house I built foryour dolls...
I will make sureyou have a strong roofoveryour head.
Ifyour answer is yes...
then no one will ever loveyou as much as I loveyou.
Ifyour answer is yes...
you will make me the happiest man on the Earth.
What would I have done withoutyou?
Hey, wedding woman, you did somejob.
My girl's gonna knock 'em dead. Aren'tyou, sluggo?
Well, somebody stole my lucky mike. I can't sing without my lucky mike.
What areyou doing here?
You know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
You look beautiful.
Go on. Get out ofhere. We're starting any minute.
- Let's take a walk. - A walk?
A walk. Come on.
No. What areyou talking about? You cannot give the whole wedding to me.
Everything is gonna be fiine. It's a no-brainer.
You can't do this. Geri's out there!
So? The whole commission is yours.
That's more money than I make in a year.
Then I guess that means we're gonna have to go shopping next week.
I am completely confused. Why areyou doing this?
Because there's somewhere I've gotta be.
Okay, we can talk afterthe wedding.
Hang on a minute, Fran.
- Why doyou wanna marry me? - What?
That's one ofthe questions I need answered.
Steve, you're scaring me.
You never call me Steve.
That's becauseyou don't like it.
I never said I didn't like it.
- Okay, where is this going? - Why doyou wanna marry me?
Areyou kidding me?
- Areyou kidding me? - No, I'm not.
You're trying to dump me on the day ofmywedding.
- I just need to knowyour answer. - This is not happening to me.
- Franny, Franny. - This is-- don't " Franny" me!
don't " Franny" me, you selfiish bastard!
The reasons we were together in college don't hold up anymore.
We're different people now.
- And? - And I thinkyou know that.
Listen to me.
Ifyou really love me, I'll put this cummerbund on right now...
we'll walk up that hill and go to the big tent and do it.
- You would do that? - Yes, I would.
All those people.
You don't know halfof'em.
You and me.
Yes. Yes, ofcourse.
I just need a second.
I don't want to get married.
How did we let it get this far?
I don't know.
What are we gonna do?
Well, that's the beauty ofit.
I haven't thought about what I reallywant in so long.
That is the bride. Is that the bride?
Yes, it is.
Well, is she coming back?
I think all the blood is rushing to my head and I'm gonna faint.
I'm gonna kill Mary for leaving me all alone here.
- I don't know what to do. - Penny, take a breath.
What areyou talking about?
I'm talking aboutyourwedding planner leaving me here all alone...
to go to city hall and get married.
- What? Mary's getting married? - Yeah, married.
- You know, married? - No, she can't get married.
- Married. - Hey, hey, city hall.
Married, you know, like what you're supposed to be doing.
Oh, that's-- Yeah.
That's great. Go. I'll tell everyone. I'll tell Kathie Lee Gifford.
Come on! Goddamn it.
Areyou sureyou don't know a shortcut?
Take a shortcut somewhere?
- What doyou expect me-- - Bullshit.
What areyou doing?
Hold on the right. Hold!
We are gathered together in the presence ofthese witnesses...
tojoin this man and this woman...
This contract is not to be taken lightly...
but thoughtfully and seriously...
with a deep realization...
ofits obligations and responsibilities.
Ifanyone can showjust cause...
why these two should not bejoined together in matrimony...
then let him speak now or forever...
hold his peace.
- Then let us proceed. - No.
- Thank God. - Oh, hell, I object too.
What is going on here?
Here we go.
Maria, I look in your eyes and it hurts my insides.
This is not whatyou want. This is what I want.
Shame on me.
I'm so lucky to have a father likeyou.
Love isn't like some enchanted evening...
isn't a fairy tale...
or even love at fiirst sight.
That isn't real life.
Massimo's a good man.
don't worry, Papa.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm just all grown up now.
Hey, that's the doc!
- Steve! - Oh, yes.
- You know the doctor? - Mary. Where's Mary?
I'm her father. Who the hell areyou?
- He's the doctor. - I'm Steve, the doctor.
- I'm in love with your daughter. - You are the one?
- What the hell is going on? - I'm sorry, but I am.
- What about Fran? - Fran and I did not get married.
That's been happening a lot today.
Whoa. You didn't get married?
We're not married. I am not the one. You are the one, Steve.
And you didn't get married? She's not married?
She does not love me. She loves you, Steve.
I could never forgive myselfifever I got in the way of Mary's true love.
- Who the hell areyou? - I'm Steve.
He's Steve. He's the one.
I'm the doctor. I'm in love with Mary.
Wait a minute! Hold the phone.
You mean to tell me, you love her and she loves you...
and neither ofyou got married today?
That's what I'm saying.
Then what the hell areyou standing around talking to us for?
I don't know. Where is she? Where is Mary? Somebody take me to Mary.
I takeyou. Come on.
- I like him. - He's a doctor.
- Congratulations! - Go, go. Thankyou.
You better be good to her!
I still do more chin-ups than you!
Why areyou only eating the brown ones?
Because someone once said that...
they had less artifiicial coloring because chocolate's already brown.
And it kind ofstayed with me.
You kind ofstayed with me.
She's in Tahiti...
on our honeymoon.
We didn't get married.
Because she needs to fiind her own life.
What does Steve want?
I want to dance...