Voila! Finally, the Weeds
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Nick Nolte movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Weeds. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Ref, what's the matter with your whistle!
You know, you should really
be encouraging Shane and Silas
to talk about Juda's death
or, down the road, you're looking at two
very dysfunctional adults.
I guess he left her pretty well fixed.
I heard there was nothing.
I wonder how she's getting by.
Jesus, Nancy, you weren't
kidding, this stuff is primo.
You wanna climb in.
Give me a little respect.
I'm the biggest game in the
private community of Agrestic.
Drugs sell themselves biscuit.
You ain't shit.
Her husband is boning the tennis pro.
She loved him long time.
That little cunt!
Mrs. Botwin, can we have sex in your house?
I've got everything under control.
Give me shoulders. Give me attitude.
Head down, ladies.
You know about Celia's husband?
Sleeping with the tennis pro.
Not Victor, the oriental girl.
Helen Chin? She completely transformed my serve.
I hope they don't fire her.
throwing stones in the glassroom.
No, gossiping about Celia.
Come on, Nancy, it's harmless fun.
Probably not for Celia.
Celia wasn't programmed to feel.
Why don't you chat about who
your husbands are fucking?
Look, here come girls.
You take care, Nancy.
It must be so hard for you being all alone.
I thought Blanca was picking me up after school.
Yes, well, surprise!
Blanca had to take your sister to the airport.
Where is she going?
Quinn is on her way to boarding school in Mexico.
She didn't say anything.
Yeah, well, not a sentimentalist your sister.
Can we talk about this in the car?
But in the car.
Go and change your clothes.
I'll meet you at the desk. Go on.
The karate class will be
starting in just a minute.
Mr. Saint Denis, so nice to see you.
Always a pleasure, Mrs. Botwin.
Shane is doing very well in karate.
I'm so glad to hear that.
Mom, the lady at the desk says you need to pay.
I already checked last week.
She said your check didn't clear.
There must be some explanation.
Yeah, you don't have any
money in your checking account.
I'll go to the desk and straighten
everything out. Go back to class.
I gotta pee.
Fine, hurry up.
Hold up the bell. Remember to hold
up the bell so it doesn't get wet.
Nancy, hey! Check this out!
Shit, Nancy! I am so sorry.
What did you just chuck at my face?
It's called a roomerang and when you throw it,
it's supposed to come back to you...
when someone else's face doesn't get in the way.
But I'm not saying you did that on purpose.
Can I have a tissue?
Doug, we need to talk.
Oh, no. No, no.
Don't tell me you're dry.
Not dry, Doug. I'm broke.
Maybe I should save some
money by firing my accountant.
Okay, let's not get carried away.
We should brainstorm on this.
Have some dialog, confab, pow wow.
I can't believe I trust you
with my money, you're an idiot.
I'm an idiot savant.
Say what you want about me personnally
but I'm a great fucking CPA.
You won't let me deposit
cash in my checking account.
I'm running all over town paying my bills in cash.
Because I can't have a papertrail of
cash deposits. You gotta trust me on this.
What am I supposed to do? Sell my house?
How about Lupita, your housekeeper?
She's like family.
Besides her daughter is still
in court reporting school.
I started selling so I
could maintain my lifestyle,
not dismantle it.
Well, you're gonna have to sell more.
Nancy, it's the oldest rule in business.
Buy low, sell high.
Did you get it? Sell high!
If you ever make a biz card, you could use that.
I've been working on setting
up a small business loan for you
so you can have the front
to launder money through.
This way you can replenish your
checking account, pay some bills,
and boom! Bob's your uncle!
What is my legitimate small business?
I don't know.
Pick something. Paperwork is all the same.
Just let me know what you want.
Could my cover business
eventually become my real business?
In this economy, small businesses are fucked.
But that would be good for
us, don't worry about it.
Just pick something with low inventory. Okay?
I'm so screwed.
No, stop that! Everything is gonna be great!
I'm guaranteeing you at least
customers at tomorrow's game.
Oh and if you could be here
by that would be perfecto.
How about a little cash upfront?
Ah shit! I'm all taped out.
I'll hit the ATM later. I promise.
Nanc', I'd offer to write you a
check but that seems insensitive.
Not to mention unwise because
if you should get caught,
I can't have it coming back to me.
Is there a phone off the hook upstairs?
All the phones are dead.
I'll go online and pay it right now.
Why can't I get online?
'Cause DSL is connected to the phone.
I'll give you bucks right now if
you don't give me any grief about this.
Hey, you haven't talked to
Quinn's mom lately, have you?
I saw her at karate.
You didn't say anything to her, right?
You know, about how you caught me and Quinn.
Why would you think that?
'Cause I haven't heard from
Quinn and she wasn't at school.
I don't know, I just...
I don't get it.
She didn't say goodbye?
What do you mean goodbye?
I heard Celia saying something about
Quinn going to Mexico.
I don't know. I overheard.
Quinn wouldn't go to Mexico without telling me.
I'm sorry, honey. I don't know the whole story.
She's probably been trying to call me.
What the hell is the matter for this family
that we can't even have a goddamn working phone!
It's your fucking mess.
Hi, Lupita. How you doing?
I think I have the menopause.
I'm thinking I am gonna
have another baby and I cry.
And then I hear: No! It's the menopause.
And I say: Thank you, God.
So, you no pay me last week.
You no pay me.
Are you sure?
You pay me now?
Good morning, I am Shane Botwin
and I am years old today.
And I have been told that these
are the people responsible.
Turn it off.
To celebrate this, my natal day,
I have asked for the Megatech
radio-controlled blimp UFO combo,
a nightvision binocular
and this DVD of Steven Chow
cinematic masterpiece: Shaolin Soccer.
I wonder if these so-called parents of
mine have purchased any of these items.
Let's see what the alleged
parental units have to say.
Show him your stretch marks.
Show him yours.
You know, you were not born
until o'clock in the afternoon.
So you, my friend, are not
officially years old yet.
Will you make me pizza eggs?
Hey! We got any leftover pizza?
Then I will make you pizza eggs
but not because it's your birthday
but because I'm feeling a little bit peckish
myself and your mother is not a morning person
and I love you.
And it's my birthday!
And it's your birthday!
Do you think I'm weird?
You're totally weird.
But you're our son.
You know, I wouldn't trade you in for
any other almost -year-old on Earth.
What if there's life on other planets and there's
an unbelievable, amazing -year-old outthere.
Why would I trade down, man?
To me, you're the best, dude.
You are the amazing, unbelievable Shane Botwin.
...amazing, unbelievable Shane Botwin.
...amazing, unbelievable Shane Botwin.
It's amazing the guy would even
consider pleading not guilty.
Part of me thinks he actually believes
his own bullshit which is just scary.
Do you think it's safe I take two Ambien?
I could really use some good sleep tonight.
I think you should take the whole bottle.
Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Where is she?
Silas, come over here and
hold this sign so I can staple.
Are you so frightened by your daughter's
sexuality that you had to ship her off?
Who told you we had sex?
Young men, this is the first time I'm
hearing that you and my daughter had sex
although now that I've been made aware,
I'm tempted to bring her home
just so I can ship her off again.
That little slut!
How dare you?
Tell me where she is!
So you can fly down to Mexico
and spring her from casa reforma?
I love her.
You stuck your penis in her.
That's not love, believe me.
If you didn't know about us,
then why is she in Mexico?
That's a private family matter.
I am her family.
God! Poor thing.
Do you really think
that my daughter had deep
romantic feelings for you?
Is that what you think?
Now, I'm sure that you were a
fun and sweety perversion for her,
but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half
to get all of her ducks in
a row before going to Mexico.
And she didn't call you.
She didn't write or IM or
e-mail you either, did she?
But I'll tell you what she did do.
She downloaded songs into her i-pod
and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips.
Because all that Quinn cares about
She takes after her father that way.
Oh you poor schmuck, you just played wrong.
That's a boat! Ah ah! Mark that!
So wait, a boat is when
the four ends add up to ?
A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass
for thinking he hold up with
his three switching bitches.
Three switching bitches?
That's and a boat is .
Stop fucking with her, she's
trying to learn the game.
Then log off a hot agent chick
suck-ass and you teach her.
I'm betting for rims on ebay.
Just like a nigga to buy new Rolls Royce
bucket before he's even got a steering wheel.
You can kiss my ass.
I just put a steering wheel in there days ago.
Okay, well then.
Tennis shoe, pimp.
That's honey, and break
out the peppermint lotion
'cause you're going to massage my feet.
What would you have gotten if you won?
She was going to babysit.
What am I gonna tell Rachel?
Tell her the truth, baby.
That you're a stanky foot-rubbing loser.
I'll watch the kids.
It's his anniversary.
Oh that's so sweet.
How long have you been married?
Since Rachel got big with Shayne
and her daddy told Keyon he'd
all bun if he didn't do right.
No hum... hotdog.
You know, you need to pay
Vaneeta if she's gonna babysit.
If this your business?
Everything is my business!
Speaking of business...
I was wondering what your credit policy was.
What you think?
This ain't fucking Macy's.
You get what you pay for.
Because I'm a little short this week.
there are people waiting
and I promise I'll come right back.
I don't know. You bet your
sweet ass you'll come right back.
You want weed on credit, you
gotta leave some collateral.
You believe this girl?
You got some nice shoes.
What size you wearing?
How much you need?
An ounce, maybe two.
Shoes ain't gonna cover that shit.
How about I hold on to that
nice rock you're wearing?
Alright, alright, I'm not unreasonable.
Sentimental value and all that.
Leave your car instead.
I'm leasing it.
Then you're really gonna wanna
get it back then, aren't you?
How am I gonna get home?
Take Conrad's bucket.
White lady in the hooptie.
You gotta let me get a picture.
Not my baby.
Range Rover for Stony Clover!
Heylia, I've been working on that car for a year.
And it still looks like shit.
So, what's it gonna be?
Conrad, give her the keys to the hooptie.
It's a classic.
I promise I'll treat her like she was my very own.
It only takes Super.
You gotta check the water.
Don't you think you should leave those shoes too?
Girl, you better get out
before Vaneeta strip you down.
Nice doing business with you guys.
Have a good game!
Hey, does anybody have any
money left to play with?
- Not me.
Fuck it, then.
Let's get high and make fun
of Dean's ball head, huh?
What are you doing out here?
I had to sign some papers
in Doug's office.
I followed Dean here.
Did you see him?
Yes, I did. They were playing poker.
Now he's gonna come home broke
and stinking of marijuana.
I guess that's better than oriental pussy.
Oh come on, Nancy, I know you know.
There are no secrets in this town.
Maybe a few.
You're having money problems,
our children had sex,
Judy Gordon orders oxycontin over the
Internet and has developped quite the habit.
"Jesus loves you" Judy?
"Jesus loves you" Judy loves her hillbilly heroin.
But you didn't hear that
from me. I don't like gossip.
Where is your car?
I don't know I parked...
I think I parked on the
other side of the building.
This place is so confusing.
Do you want a lift?
No, you know...
not now, you know...
I'd rather walk.
What about you?
You're not gonna sit here
all night though, are you?
Well, I was thinking of
tracking down the tennis whore
and beating her to death with a tire iron.
But I forgot to set my Tivo for The Shield so...
I think I'll go home.
I love Michael Chicklis.
Good night, Nancy.
See you, Celia.
I can warm up some pasta.
He been like that since after school. All day.
He don't eat. He don't move.
Right, ain't this cool?
This is better than Silas' bellarium thing.
Maybe just one
Shane! Shane! Relax! We can fix it!
Shane, look at me.
We can fix this. Everything
is gonna be okay, buddy.
You got that, mom?
Dad made it all better.
What's going on?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I know things have been a
little bumpy around here lately.
She didn't give a shit about me.
Honey, of course, she did. She just...
She just took off without
even bothering to say goodbye!
My whole fucking life, people just go away.
What happened? I call .
Fuck, the phone is still dead.
You don't say fucking to your mother!
How will you be paying?
I know what you did!
I know you stole that goat!
Mr. Norman, step back into your line.
I know it's the economy, stupid!
But that goat didn't belong to you.
He was a free goat.
Mom, it really hurts.
It's throbbing, mom!
Back off, nutty!
I'm gonna take your free goat and
shove it up straight up your ass.
Woman, you are light!
You are lighter than Michael
Jackson, you're so light!
Where is my money?
Shane broke his arm last night.
Sorry to hear that.
Where is my money?
I'll get it, I swear, I need more inventory.
I'll pay everything back.
I'm sure you will.
But until then it's time to give it up.
The shiny bits.
You have my car!
I can't sell no leased car!
Now, you want more, you got to leave more.
And you got a shitty watch
and you buy knock-off handbags.
It's just business, baby.
Now, I know you got troubles
but like my mamma always says:
Do you have a cover business?
Of course, I do.
Got me a jew in Century City who set me up.
Now, I know he's skimming cream off the top
but he makes everything seem real nice on paper.
You're looking at the president and
chief executive officer of Tidy Up, inc.
Got me a van out back and everything.
I ain't nobody's maid.
You ain't no housecleaner neither.
You're a weed dealer with a front.
And these are my employees.
What do you do if somebody actually
calls to get his house cleaned?
Then I refer him to my cousin
Xandra who cleans for real.
She don't make shit
but Xandra found the Lord so she don't care.
One day, we're gonna all retire
to a beach house in the Carribeans.
'Till some rapid god type shit happens
and washes everything away in a tidal
wave like those poor fuckers in Indonesia.
Tsunami. It's called a tsunami.
I love the sound of that word.
Knowing you'll probably name the baby Tsunami.
I don't care what you say, that's a pretty name.
You are not naming my grandbaby
after some killer wave!
And we ain't getting no beach house neither.
I can't stand the sand.
Sand, blood and realty.
They never get rid of.
See you all later.
How much you think we'd get for that?
She'll be back.
Oh you have no idea.
Wait, let's not do this here.
Where should we go?
My poolhouse maybe?
How about up my husband's ass?
We need to go somewhere where
we can get very, very drunk.
I'm a mean drunk.
He was cute, funny, clean,...
It's not like we're running
off together. It was sex.
Very hot sex.
He went down on me for days!
Always did excellent work down there.
Piece of shit!
Is that what you think?
When you stop being cute
and clean and funny at home,
and start spending afternoons
with your head buried in
the snatch of a tennis pro,
yeah, you're a piece of shit.
Are you going to divorce him?
He can't support two households.
And I am not living in a townhouse again.
So what did you do that was so special?
I did everything he ever wanted.
I bought a fucking swing.
Listen, most guys cheat.
And it's not because the wife
is some horrible, frigid bitch.
But it's because they all have
this primal urge to seek variety.
Pieces of shit!
Dean is a good guy!
You know, shut up!
I'm very mad at him.
He's just not what I thought he'd be, you know?
He just turned out to be
another mid-level asshole.
That makes me Mrs. Mid-level Asshole!
That's why I'll never marry!
No, you just fucked the married and
then I have to watch it on video.
and now I have to fucking deal with it
and I don't like dealing with things.
I much prefer to pretend they don't exist.
You're a big whore.
I think I should go now.
Oh sit your flat ass back down.
You're a good listener.
Let's get another round.
Where is your...
Where is your ring?
Yeah, your pretty little diamond ring.
It's in the shop.
Oh! Well, I hope they can fix it.
Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!
We can fix this. Everything
is gonna be okay, buddy.
You got that, mom?
Dad made it all...
Yeah, honey? What is it?
I guess when you fell, the camera got smashed.
Yeah, I guess that's what happened.
Don't worry, we'll get another one.
Take them, you need to rest.
What are you gonna do?
I'm not going to do a thing.
Look, I take one myself.
I am your father, Shane!
Join me on the dark side and
together we can rule the universe!
Then prepare to die!
Get back in here right now.
We are not done talking.
Just say good night, dad.
And turn off the camera.
Good night, dad.