Voila! Finally, the Whatever It Takes
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the James Franco and
Marla Sokoloff movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Whatever It Takes. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
- Hey, Maggie. - Hey, Ryan.
Hey, what'd you do last night?
You know, the usual-- had the driver take me shopping, hit up some clubs.
Then wound up at some after-hours talking fashion with the Beastie Boys.
Picked up Ashley Grant in the Ferrari, had dinner at one of my restaurants.
Reluctantly made an appearance at some VIP awards show party.
- You know, same old thing. - Right.
Watched TV and made a mix tape.
Played the accordion.
I'm only saying this because we're friends...
but you really need to get over this Ashley Grant thing.
-Because? -Because you've been into her forever...
and it's just not healthy.
- You're like obsessed. - So?
So, every guy in school likes her.
You'd get crushed.
Here comes the steamroller now.
Are you okay?
Ashley Grant wants me, man.
- Hey, Floyd. - You know, I'm gonna miss this place.
I'm gonna miss this place--
the games, the parties, all these lovely women diggin' me.
More like all but one of 'em.
breaks my heart.
I still got four weeks.
How many times are you gonna ask her out?
- And be completely shut down. - But this time I got a plan.
Well, that's the first complaint I've had about it so far.
- "Sorry about your mouth"? - What the hell is wrong with me?
You suck with women, especially fine ones like Ashley Grant.
Way to go, champ.
Relax, Ryan. It could be worse.
Speaking of. Your mom's on stage in her nurse's outfit.
Hi, Mrs. Woodman.
Attention, everyone. Could you please take your seat?
Everybody find your seats. Quickly, please.
We have a very exciting lecture today, and I'm sure you won't wanna miss it.
Watch this. He's gonna get dissed.
Oh, you gotta pay the toll.
You want me to kick you in the face?
That depends. Would you be naked?
School's almost out and you're still saying no to me.
Say it isn't so.
No, really, man. The master has lost his touch.
I'm Katie Woodman, school nurse.
And since summer's approaching, I thought I'd talk to you...
a little bit about safe sex.
As you know, the safest route is abstinence.
But if you're going to be sexually active...
there's a few things that you need to know, okay?
Speaking of "wood man."
Hot from mama's personal collection?
For those of you who may not know, this is the penis.
Come to my house after school. You want to?
I'm having some friends over. It'll be fun.
I can't. I got plans.
And that means that this goes hand-in-hand with...
the latex condom.
- For it to be effective... - Oh, man!
it needs to be pulled down all the way.
God, that was like a bad dream.
Well, every man needs a dream.
And mine is to become the next Virgil Doolittle.
You know what he got expelled for?
- He stole Gilmore's neck. - That's right.
Cooper Gilmore has no neck all because of Virgil Doolittle.
- He got arrested. - And was charged with mayhem.
How cool is that? The man's a legend.
- The man went to prison. - Allegedly.
And besides, who cares? It's been years and Doolittle lives on.
A recent survey showed that most women do prefer a man of danger.
What's up, Cosmo?
How's it going? Cool.
Do you think accordion players have groupies? I mean, really good ones?
Why do you ask?
It's three weeks to prom.
I don't know. I think it might be kind of nice to go.
I figured, who better to go with than my lifelong neighbor...
best buddy and partner in crime?
- No prospects? - Have you seen me with any lately?
Are you gonna make me beg?
Yeah, maybe a little.
I guess you'll have to go stag with Floyd and the boys.
No. You got yourself a date.
I should be thanking you.
Here we go, Woodman. Dig in now.
- You're going to prom with Maggie? - Yeah.
- Where'd you hear that? - Stand up there now, Betty Boop.
It's all over school.
Maggie told me. You excited?
Woodman, my ass! You got no lumber.
You got no stick.
Dig in now here. Closer.
I know everything there is to know about Maggie.
- Closer. - It'd be like kissing my sister.
Which isn't a terrible thing in some parts of the world.
Walk it off.
- Come on now, next. - How many fingers?
- Eleventy-seven? - Close enough.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- The coach hit ya. - Asshole.
- Let's get out of here. - Walk it off.
I got a surprise for you, buddy.
- Where the hell we going? - Right on time for the floor show.
Can we come in?
- You said ten. - In five seconds it goes up to .
Come on. Let's go. For one.
What? Go! You owe me. I want instant recall.
- Excuse me, sir? - Come on! Let's move.
Sir, I don't know where we're going.
It should be empty now. You got two minutes.
Go right into the cage. You get busted, you do not know me.
Go on in. You don't have all day. Move!
Get a good look?
Hey, hold up.
Wish I could, my brother, but you know how it is.
Maybe we could hang out sometime.
Troll for some skank or skank for some troll.
What's up with Maggie Carter?
Yeah, man, what's up with that little sassy?
Why do you ask?
Maybe I'm interested.
In Maggie Carter.
Trust me. I've known her my whole life. She's not your type.
Well, Ashley Grant's not yours either, but I could hook you up.
Home style got the hook up.
- Who says I'm into Ashley Grant? - Come on!
I seen you checking her out all year. Just thought I could help you out.
What's the catch?
- Why has there gotta be a catch? - I don't know.
Because you haven't said dick to me in four years and now you're helping me.
You're right. I don't know you. You don't know me.
But prom's coming up. I'm into Maggie. You're into Ashley.
She ever mention me?
So what makes you think I have a chance in hell with her?
You don't. But Ashley's my cousin, and I can help you.
- Same goes for me with Maggie. - I don't know.
Why Maggie? You could date any girl in the school.
But Maggie's special. I can tell.
What do you say?
You be me...
and I'll be you.
I need to talk to you.
- Deal. - Deal.
Do you know what this means?
You're validating our entire species here.
I'm serious. This is like Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Quasimodo and the Notre Dame chick.
- Tommy Lee and-- - Everybody.
Yeah. Of course, he's somewhat gifted.
Studies show % of all women polled prefer technique to physical size.
Don't tell me you can't grasp the greatness of this?
- You compared me to the Hunchback. - Next to Ashley Grant, you kind of are.
I'd like to hunch her back.
Ashley's gonna love this.
I can't send her that.
You just did.
- She's gonna hate me, man. - Exactly.
I sent Maggie poetry from you.
Listen. Every guy in school wants to say something nice to Ashley Grant.
You gotta stand out. Be different.
Yeah, but, "Your hair looks butch"?
Ryan, your mom's heading this way.
Cosmo, get your hand off the friggin' dick.
Now don't worry.
- Hey, girls. - Who are your friends?
- You know Brian. - That's Ryan.
Yeah, I think so. You're new, right?
No, I've been around.
Oh, right, yeah. I've seen you.
- Where you been, C-man? - With Brian.
That's Ryan. That's me.
Do you know about the party?
Ashley Grant's, : . Be there.
Stop it. Bye, Bri.
Hey, bring someone.
- Hey, good hangin' with you guys. - Wait up.
Good goin', "Brian."
I gotta go find Maggie.
Sweet! We got ourselves an occasion.
The things I do for you.
You realize we're gonna be the biggest idiots in there?
We're finally here! Thanks, Dad.
No, we won't.
Excuse my tardiness. I had to kill a man.
Cosmo, what the hell are you wearing?
Floyd said to dress up.
I look good, right?
Smells like teen spirit, huh?
Is this what you had in mind?
Darn. That's what I was gonna wear.
Care to dance?
He's gotta take a shit.
You see, Ashley, I had to-- I don't know them.
What's he all dressed up for?
His mom died.
Ladies, sit tight.
So, she says, "True or false?" And I said, "Hello. News flash.
If you have to ask, false."
- She's such a liar. - So the liar.
Then she said, "I can't believe you're acting like this."
And I said, "I can't believe you're dressing like this."
Marnie, is that my dress?
She knows you're here. She wants to talk.
It's all good.
I'm on this.
Sloane got drunk and made out with that hairy guy.
You know you made out with him.
- Did you get my e-mail? - Oh, my God. Was that you?
Did you get my words?
Poetry. I didn't know you had it in you.
A little surprise. You liked it? Pretty freaky stuff.
Get you hot?
Oh, man. That was whack.
-Jesus! - Hey, Chris.
Thanks for your help.
Yeah, like Carter really liked your crap. See what just happened?
People saw that.
Damn, man, you're too cocky.
- What? - I saw you groping her.
It doesn't matter what I write. Maggie's not gonna go for that.
She volunteers at a nursing home, for God's sake.
That's what I'm talking about.
Grant isn't exactly all hot for you either.
See, that's great.
The idea was "Ryan impresses Ashley." Not "Ryan depresses Ashley."
Ryan gets pickle in Ashley. Not, Ashley gets Ryan in a pickle.
Look, man, chicks dig assholes, okay?
I mean, check out Stu and Harris.
They're both gonna get laid tonight.
I'll show you. Let's find Ashley.
- Get away! - You know you like it.
Remember in grade school when you always picked on the girl you liked?
It's kind of like that. Some girls are just insecure.
You're saying Ashley Grant is insecure.
She's the head cheerleader of insecurity.
And if I treat her bad, she'll go for it?
Come on. That doesn't make any sense.
What, you've dated how many of these girls?
That's what I thought.
Now check out Grant.
Simple question: Do you want her or not?
- Well, yeah, but-- - Okay.
There you go. Now you're in the game.
I got something for ya!
Forget it. I'm out of here.
How could you have done this? This was cashmere!
- How could you do that? - 'Cause I'm an asshole?
- Asshole! - What are you doin', man?
Those chicks were diggin' us.
Wanna see the rest of the house?
This isn't working.
Sure it is.
Grant asked me about times if the e-mail guy was right about her hair?
Even if everything you said is true, I don't want to be mean to her.
Right. Seeing as how she's so sweet to you.
You know what Ashley said to me tonight?
She's looking for something special.
I can get you there. You can be that guy for her.
You just have to help me be that guy for Maggie.
I thought I was being abducted.
- How come you bagged on the party? - I had better things to do.
Like sleep. You should try it.
- I talked to Chris Campbell. - I bet that was educational.
Actually, it was.
He's not that bad, once you get past the jock stuff.
He asked about you.
Yeah, I got some goofy e-mail from him.
You didn't like it?
I mean, did you write him back?
Why not? You haven't been on a date in like forever.
You think I enjoy asking you to prom? Hanging out with the guys every weekend?
- I thought you liked hanging with us? - Yeah, some weekends.
Then e-mail him. Why not send him the famous "Maggie Carter Soul Quiz"?
Right. That'd be good for a laugh.
Maybe. But maybe he'll ace it.
Then you won't have to spend another miserable weekend with me.
You know what I meant.
Yeah, I know.
- Good morning. - What's up?
- You guys get dressed in the dark? - It's Mismatch Day.
So maybe I should go home and change.
You and Ashley Grant, I think that's your mismatch, buddy.
Opposites do attract.
- Thanks, Cosmo. - Probably not that opposite.
Carter sent me like this midterm, you know, like questions.
I know. It's a soul quiz-- movies, books, music.
- If you can pass it, you're a new man. - Famous.
There is one small hitch. You do realize Ashley Grant hates me.
Clear the pool.
Man, she doesn't hate you.
She's confused by you. She's trying to act like she doesn't care.
But believe me, Brian, she cares more than you think.
She just can't figure you out. It's driving her nuts.
You're this new guy "Brian" who's not into her for some reason.
But I'm not Brian.
There they are!
- Step off. - What a doofus.
You girls are hot. What's up, dudes?
- Who's the gerbil? - I'm Floyd. Ryan's friend.
The chicks want me.
You got a soul quiz to take.
Do you wanna see what I'm writing?
No, man. Just make me look good.
Not too cocky.
Is everything okay?
The last book he read was Nine Stories.
It gets worse. The Beastie Boys, the Eels and old Cheap Trick.
He aced it.
Stripes, Casablanca and anything by Monty Python.
- That's great. - No, it's not.
It's horrible. Chris Campbell.
Maggie, it's not that bad.
Not that bad. Man, he's gorgeous. What am I gonna do?
- You mean after tonight's double-date? - Not a chance.
- Why not? - Because as far as I can see...
there is nothing special about this person.
- That's what he said about you. - He did not.
I'm serious. He said those things.
He really likes you, okay?
It's just one date.
- I'm really a man. - When a chick goes on a talk show...
with her fiancÚ and has a deep, dark secret...
has it ever been anything other than, "I'm really a man"?
I mean, seriously.
Your fiancÚ invites you on TV to tell you something, she's packin' sausage.
I gotta get ready.
I know. Listen. That's why I'm calling.
Be careful tonight. Pat her down before you get in the car. Just be sure.
- Hold on. I got another call. - So what? Let it go.
- It might be Chris. - Inbreed!
I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm calling Chris.
What? Maggie, you have to.
- It just doesn't feel right. - What doesn't feel right?
He passed the soul quiz.
Maggie, I need your help.
No, you don't.
You're gonna be fine.
What kind of mongrel leaves a guy on call waiting?
I can't. I gotta go.
Cosmo says to check for an Adam's apple, all right?
- Talk. - Hey, Chris?
- That's me. - Hey, it's Maggie.
Listen. I'm calling you about tonight.
- You hold on one second? - Yeah.
- Maggie's gonna call. Don't answer. - I already did.
Shit! She wants to cancel the date.
Yeah, the soul quiz?
She liked all that stuff. I don't know what happened.
- Maybe she's nervous. - Nervous stomach?
Probably the pill.
Put me on hold and I'll try to talk you through this.
But you gotta keep coming back to me.
Now let's start with, "I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight.
We seem to have a lot in common." Yadda, yadda.
No, I don't think, " Bitch, we had plans" will work.
Sorry about the wait.
Great. That's my other line. Can you hold on a second?
- Your mom fell down the stairs! - What?
Mrs. Carter, are you okay?
Chris, can I call you back?
- Talk. - I just bought us a few seconds.
Dude, let it go. She's not going.
She's is going. Tell her you need to talk to a friend tonight.
- Why? - You're depressed.
Your grades suck. Your father's on crack.
- My dad played pro football. - Perfect.
- You're gettin' your ass kicked. - I don't know what your problem is.
Don't screw this up.
Chris, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here...
Are you okay? 'Cause you sound kind of different.
Yeah, see, the batteries are runnin' low on my wireless.
I have to put you on speaker. Can you hang on?
Just a second.
Sorry about that.
Can you hear me now?
Yeah, sort of. Listen. I hope you're not sick.
Well, you know, I'm sick about this not happening.
I know I'm a jock.
conceited, in love with myself.
Or that's how you must see me.
But let me tell you how I see you.
The you I see...
has a big heart.
She's smart, fun to hang around with...
doesn't take my shit.
And I like that.
I like that you look nervous sometimes for no reason.
And when you do, you bite your lip.
I like that you probably...
rifled through your closet tonight...
and settled with what you started out with.
I like your smile.
I don't usually talk this way, but...
I think being with you...
wouldn't be irrelevant.
You know what I'm saying?
Or maybe I should stop with all this weak shit.
No, it's nice.
Oh. All right.
So let's do this, huh? You know, no pressure.
We'll go hang out, the four of us.
Get to know each other. Maybe talk. Maybe--
Swap some spit.
I said, thank you.
Why don't you get me one too?
Good one. That's funny. No, we'll get it.
Jesus, I'm dyin' over there.
Rejection, man. You gotta piss her off.
Tell her her breath is rank.
I'm not tellin' her that.
Whatever, man. I'm tellin' Carter she needs a titjob.
I'm just pullin' your dick. What do you want me to say?
Why don't you just be the strong silent type?
If you decide to talk to her, be nice, all right?
Tell her she looks nice. Tell her you like her outfit.
Okay. And you should probably tell Grant her ass looks big in those jeans.
You look nice. I like your clothes.
You want some?
Oh, my God. There's the octopus. Come on, Marge. There's no line.
Whoa. Sorry, cream puff. No beverages.
I'll just wait and hold it.
Have a nice ride.
Midget man. Munchkin guy, make it go fast, all right?
You having a good time?
This is kind of fun.
- Did you throw up? - Not exactly.
Sorry, Bri. Let's go.
Hey, man, can I borrow your shirt?
No, way, man. I'll get cold.
Hey, girls, wait up.
- What do I gotta do to win a shirt? - You break it, you rake it.
Could you help me out, pal? I got puke all over my shirt.
Let's go. Give me five!
- He gave you his shirt? - Ferris wheel! Let's go.
What, man? She was cold.
Hey, wait up, girls.
- Cute shirt. - Thank you.
Madge, who do you hang out with at Gilmore?
Because, you know, I never see you around.
- Mostly just Ryan. - Ryan?
- Yeah, Ryan. - See, that's me. Ryan's my last name.
Wait, wait. Your name is Brian Ryan?
I've told you a million times, you've gotta get a faster modem.
So, you know, you were right, that e-mail you sent me.
My hair looks terrible.
No, no, your hair doesn't look terrible.
But it hides your eyes.
You have really amazing eyes, really pretty...
Besides, compared to your jeans, your hair's a work of art.
So, it's really great that you like the Eels.
Other than Ryan, I really don't know anyone else who likes 'em.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I can't believe you don't like these jeans. They were really expensive.
- Even worse. - Shut up.
- It's the rhinestones, isn't it? - For starters.
- Who else do you like? - Well, I like you.
Mommy, can I have some cotton--
- Anything else you don't like about me? - I could do without those shoes.
- What is wrong with my shoes? - They're monstrous, big foot.
I like that shirt.
You did not.
- Oh, my God. - Later, Chris.
See ya, Brian.
- The things I do for you. - What? You didn't like him?
- I don't know. - What's the problem?
Just not sure he has any heart.
It's a beautiful spring day outside.
Most of you are graduating soon. You've got your entire lives ahead.
So, let's talk about death.
We all know lung cancer's a serious killer in this country.
- What? - Well, how'd I do last night?
-What's the leading cause of death here? -She says you don't have enough heart.
- Heart? - Thank you, Mr. Campbell.
Heart disease is the correct answer.
Last year alone, over--
- Make sure you finish chapter . - Well, I guess it could be worse.
Grant doesn't think you have any stones.
What? She said that.
You're gonna play football with me and some of the guys today.
- She'll be there? - Yeah. She loves it.
I'll make you look great.
Hey, man, is Ashley okay?
She's a little different than I expected.
What, you go out with your dream girl and you don't like her?
It's not that. It's just...
finger suck, good, vomit shower, bad.
She gets that way when she really, really likes somebody.
- You gonna play with us today? - Touch football, right?
Get up, man. She's watching.
Time-out. I thought you said this was touch football.
It is. These guys just touch hard.
I am not doing this, okay?
These guys are like some huge government experiment gone wrong.
Come on. Grant's lovin' it.
Get up, man.
I used to play a little ball back in the day.
Back in what day?
- Ready to end this thing, Brian? - Who the hell's Brian?
Just snap it to Brian. You follow me.
- Ready? - Break!
We're here for you, buddy.
Nice game. Pick me up tomorrow morning at : .
Well, I've done my part.
Now, let's go get me that heart.
What are we doing here?
She wants heart. We'll give her heart. You want her to fall for you, right?
Not like this. These people smell.
- This better work. - Trust me, this will work.
- What are you doing? - She's not eating it.
Maggie's gonna be here any second.
All right. Hey.
If I give her the speech...
and she digs it, then what?
Then I don't know. Try talking to her. Tell her how you feel.
See if she needs a lift home.
I'll think of something.
She's coming. Put that Jell-O down!
Could you maybe--
- You work here too? - Yeah. What are you doing here?
I like to come here from time to time...
to visit with the sickly and old.
Think that's gay?
No, l-- I think it's nice.
Well, that's what I do.
Who ate my Jell-O?
Pipe down, you old bag.
I want my Jell-O.
Give me that Jell-O.
Hey, that's my Jell-O!
Here it comes.
I think it's sweet that you come here.
-Don't you think it's sweet, Miss Simms? -Just heavenly.
I have to go to the bathroom. Number two.
You want me to take you?
You want Chris to take you to the bathroom?
- That would be nice. - Do you mind?
I was just hoping that she'd ask.
Now, don't drop me.
Well, I guess this room's in good hands.
I should get going.
Oh, okay. That is a really nice outfit.
- Do you want a ride home? - I have stuff to do at school theater.
There's a school theater?
I mean, that's cool. I don't mind.
-I'll meet you downstairs in minutes? -Fifteen minutes.
The theater? That's perfect.
Yeah, right. Nobody better see me there.
So, are you, like, in a play or something?
Me? No. I'm not much of a thespian.
I hope not. I mean, I'd be wasting my time if you were only into chicks.
So, do you like plays?
We got this one.
It's "Power QB follow." I fake it off to the halfback.
Then I crush skulls up in the middle.
I meant stage plays.
I was-- I was just joking.
Man, where you been? I'm dying over here.
Will you help me out?
Let me ask you something. Why are you so interested in me?
I mean, we don't really make sense as a couple, do we?
Sometimes the best things in life don't make sense.
and flowers that bloom in the winter.
Flowers blooming in the winter.
Besides, I think you could help me to be a better person.
I mean, I think you could help me be a better person.
- How do you mean? - Well--
- Like be grateful for what I have. - Like be thankful for what I have.
- Show some gratitude. - Show 'em some attitude.
Wow, she's really beautiful.
You're really beautiful.
What'd you say?
Did you say that I look beautiful?
Just like a little flower.
Hasn't anyone ever told you you're beautiful?
You're very different in a way than anyone else is.
In a very different way than anyone else.
You know, I should be pissed at you.
- You should be pissed at me? - For making me fall for Chris.
I mean, he tries to put on this big, jerky act.
Then he has these amazing moments.
So he's okay?
Yeah, he's okay.
You know, I can remember summer nights when I was younger...
just lying in bed and listening to your father play the accordion for your mom.
"Melt With You." It was her favorite.
I can remember feeling so safe and happy listening to that song.
Just wondering if one day someone would be that good to me.
He used to say he played every note just for her.
This feels so strange.
You know, me and Chris. You and Ashley.
It's almost like somebody messed with fate.
I'm gonna call it a night.
He'd be proud of you, you know...
You guys wanna check out my prom date finalists?
Taylor and Cinnamon.
Escorts. People tell me they're interested.
- You talked to their pimp? - We prefer "broker."
You can't bring hookers to the prom.
No way, dude.
I guess not.
Bet ya Virgil Doolittle went stag anyways.
I'm sure he did.
I just had my legs waxed. Oh, and look.
Do you like it? 'Cause I can take it out.
Oh, my God! Look at those freaks. They're staring at me.
- What? - Go!
- Drive, Brian, please. - Fine.
- What the hell is that? - Maybe he didn't see us.
I'm really excited about tonight.
Three more of those and you walk today. Kind of like me this morning.
Scared of the ball, miss?
- Sorry, but you know how it is. - I guess so.
Get back in the box, you girl!
When you quest for greatness, victims happen.
Get up, you wuss!
So, what are we gonna do tonight?
Dude, let's go bowling.
- Hey, guys. - What up, new school?
- What's up, ladies? - Hi, everybody.
- You kickin' with these geeks? - Why you gotta call 'em geeks?
Is anyone doing anything tonight? Because I'm free.
I saw them waving at you this morning. Please.
These guys? No way.
You're with them right now there, guy.
Yeah, "with." But we're all with everyone, right?
All right, look. You guys said it. They're geeks.
geeks doesn't even do it.
Give me a letter.
Okay, jerks, jokes, jackasses.
- "F". - No, this is not--
- Freaks. - Fools.
"P". Dip shit.
- Defectives. - Dickheads.
Oh, my God.
So, I'll see you tonight then.
Floyd, wait up.
I'm sorry, man, okay? But I'm this close to getting her.
No, you crossed the line this time.
I'm not kidding.
Ryan, I know that you're really into Ashley, but...
maybe at some point it's just not worth it.
Yes. Is the sea bass smelly?
It's a fish.
You know what I will have.
I will have a house salad with Italian vinaigrette on the side...
and a bottle of water, only if it comes in one those pretty blue bottles.
If not, I'll have a Pelligrino, if so, not in the bottle. Thanks.
And for you, sir?
Here, here, let mama rub it.
Good party, Maggie?
- Hey, check it out. - Full moon tonight.
- Oh, my God! - Show 'em what you got.
Get used to it, girl.
Sloane, that outfit is great.
I like it too.
Is anyone else home?
Nope. Just us.
Any idea what we could do?
I bought some new underwear today.
I thought, you know, maybe I could model them for you.
They're mostly thongs.
I'm gonna take a quick shower, okay?
Yeah, sure. I'll--
I'll just wait.
Maybe you could join me.
Oh, my God! Get out of here! What did you see?
- Nothing. You said I could join you. - I wasn't serious. Get out!
- Okay. - Get out!
Now then, where were we?
Damn! What happened to your feet?
It's just a rash.
It's a crazy world. Anything can happen.
If you shouldn't getaway--
I mean, if--
if somethings hould keep us apart...
wherever they put you...
and wherever I'll be, I want you to know it.
Kiss me as if it were the last time.
I wonder if Maggie and Chris have done it yet.
Could we not talk about her?
Oh, well. If they haven't, they will.
Then Chris will dump her like all the others.
You know, we could do this some other time.
Maybe when you're more up to it.
Casablanca, it works.
Guys, what's up?
Hey, Chris, you got a second?
No, I gotta go and meet Carter for some quality time.
Oh. How's she doing?
Well, she's getting there.
What's that supposed to mean?
You did good, Brian. I got it from here.
Don't worry. He'll treat her right.
So, what do you think?
For the grade school.
- Can I help? - No.
So, where's Maggie? I thought you knew each other's every move.
So did l.
You wanna play with the puppets?
Not a chance.
- You can change your mind. - That's okay.
Ash, can we talk for a second?
This cake was terrible.
- You didn't like it? - It was terrible.
I am so sorry, Ashley.
Do I know you?
We go to school together. I'm Miranda.
Good. Can you get me your manager? Thanks.
I'll just pay for it myself.
- What makes her a loser? - Nothing. She just is a loser.
- Then what would make her a winner? - Hello? Nothing.
A tiger can't just change his spots.
All right? Just be glad that you're a winner.
What? What? She is a fatty, round, little waitress, okay?
Now, you tell me what could make her become a winner.
- Okay, I'll tell you how. - Tell me.
- I will. - Tell me.
I will, if you'd stop your petty, self-important whining for one second.
You know what? I can't do this anymore.
Is this because of the cake? Because I didn't like the cake?
You know what. I'm sorry. I loved the cake.
Everyone, I loved the cake. Could you try the cake--
-It's not the cake! -Then I don't understand why you're mad.
I know you don't, and that's the goddamn of it, is that you really don't know.
But then you said so yourself.
"A tiger can't change his spots."
Yeah. Look, here's five for the cake.
Five to buy a clue. This is over.
I love you, Brian Ryan.
So, dude, when's the wedding anyways?
- You picked out your dress yet? - Shit.
You fags be ready come prom night...
for the Chris Campbell nail and bail.
Nice rhyme. Make that up all by yourself?
I'll catch you guys later, okay?
So, how does this work anyway? The old nail and bail?
Like you don't know. I saw Grant this morning blubbering like a whale.
- So? - So you didn't try to sleep with her?
- It wasn't like that. - You see, it is like that.
No, it isn't, because you never cared about Maggie.
Neither did you.
I cared about her.
Don't look so surprised, partner.
Nail and bail's crushed far greater chicks than Carter.
There is not a chance in hell Maggie sleeps with you. She's better than that!
Maybe she used to be, but then you stepped in and changed all that.
Didn't you, Brian?
- It is "Ryan." It's not "Brian." - Doesn't really matter, does it?
Get in that box now, Sue Ann!
- Have you seen Maggie? - I'm not talking to you, jack-hole.
Well, well, well, what have we got here?
Someone trying on some pants?
Listen. You can be pissed at me if you want to. That's fine.
I deserve it.
Just tell me if you've seen her.
Not since you scared her off bird-dogging for sniff.
What is this, some ladies' afternoon tea?
Walk it off.
- What are you guys doing at my house? - What happened between you and Ashley?
Is there someone else?
Was it the hair on her back? 'Cause she is getting that removed.
Isn't there anything that she can do?
Look, short of camping on my lawn and begging profusely, no.
I cut out today and bought it.
For prom. What do you think?
- I think it's great. - Yeah?
I mean, it's...
Do you think Chris will like it?
are you sure about him?
I mean, are you really sure?
What are you talking about?
I wanted Ashley Grant.
So, I told him what to say to you.
The e-mails, the nursing home...
and he helped me out with Ashley.
I'm sorry, Maggie.
I don't believe you.
When you're alone with him, face to face...
does he ever say anything clever or funny or even sincere?
He's not shy. He's a dumb ass.
In the theater...
I said you were beautiful-- me.
I meant it.
I have feelings for you.
You're really pathetic, do you know that?
- Maggie, I-- - No.
I'm sorry, if things didn't work out for you, but...
you think you could tear me and Chris down because Ashley broke up with you?
- Listen. - No, because honestly...
I don't even see that guy you used to be anymore, Ryan.
I see a liar...
If you run your mascara, it's gonna look really bad.
Would one of you whores please get me a tissue?
- You can see her ass. - It's the twosome.
- They're gonna get it on. - Oh, it's a threesome.
Hey, did you guys hear the theme for the prom?
What? Those people died.
True. But they have become legends.
Like your idol, Virgil Doolittle.
Take me to the prom!
Take me to the prom!
Please, take me to the prom.
Fine. Just go home.
I want everything tonight to be as beautiful as you are.
Aren't puppies cute?
Get out of here, man.
I wonder where Ash went tonight.
- Is she not going to prom? - She's going with Brian.
Yeah, she was crawling on her knees for him.
Can you blame her, though?
- Brian rocks. - Give me a break.
He's a geek! Tell 'em, Maggie.
I heard he plays the accordion.
Go, go, go. Yes.
Okay, watch the threads.
I can't believe we don't have dates.
You've got a date?
You don't know her. She's recently divorced.
Where are you?
Ashley, would you sign my yearbook?
- Twenty bucks. - I'll go get my purse.
They are so easy. Let's go have our picture taken before she gets back.
Hey, what's going on, hot stuff? Hey, nice ass.
Hey, chickie, what's going on?
Next couple, please.
- Our turn. - You kids next?
What's up, Cosmo? Nice to see you.
- Daddy! - Oh, God.
No, that's not Daddy. Remember, we talked about it.
That's Mommy's date. Okay, all right.
Yeah, Floyd, this is my date.
I'm Floyd. You have a nice rack.
Well, thank you.
- Hurt yourself? - No, sorry.
Buns of steel, partner. Buns of steel.
People, listen up.
In a few minutes, we will be announcing the prom king and queen.
Well, I guess there will be no king and queen of the prom this year.
I'm gonna go check my make-up.
I'll be right back.
That's great. See if you can find your face in there, okay?
Don't be a shit to your date.
- Come on. Let's dance. - Mom, come on!
Shut up and dance with your mother.
You know, it's getting late.
You're getting old. It's early yet.
Just a little fatherly advice, kiddo.
It's later than you think.
Gentlemen, the hour is nigh.
I don't know. But I gotta go find my date.
- No, no, no, over here. - I thought we were gonna dance.
Oh, we are. No, we're definitely gonna dance.
Put the music back on, man!
What is wrong with you?
All these notes are for you, Maggie.
Oh, my God!
It's not fair!
Shakin' it, man.
What in the--
I christen thee...
Woodman! Get your ass off the stage!
Just get off--
Get out of the way!
You should go back to the limo. Women and children first. I'll meet you there.
Oh, my God, this is beautiful.
This is the best prom ever.
Oh, my God! My dress!
Brian, help me!
What the hell was that?
I hurt myself.
I'm cold, Rose.
I'm so cold.
I'm sinking, Rose.
It's chaos. Nobody saw anything.
- Did you see anything? - No, sir.
He's the bastard.
- He planned the whole thing himself. - You fink! They'll never take me alive!
- Let's get him. - Never!
Get down. Hands behind your back.
Textbook take down, huh, men?
Make sure you rough me up in front of the honeys.
Hold up, guys.
I got this one.
-I heard his father's in prison. -I heard he slept with the school nurse.
Take me to the hotel, driver.
Sheesh. Somebody's in a hurry for some loving.
Chris, this night is really important to me, okay?
It's important to me too.
Why don't you lie on the bed and make yourself a little more comfortable?
This is it.
On your back, stallion.
Look, we got all night, right?
Yes, we do.
Why don't you just wait here and I'll go get us some champagne.
Hey, do they have a jail out here in the woods?
- Damn, these knots are pretty tight. - Summer camp.
Where good girls go bad.
This isn't like one of those games...
when you give me a -second head start and then hunt me down, is it?
Because I'm really slow...
and not very cunning.
I'm sure you'd have me in like seconds tops.
Have you seen Maggie Carter?
Who knew you were such a freak?
I'm surprised you didn't.
I mean, you know so many other things about me...
Like my favorite movie.
You know my favorite book.
By the way...
which one's your favorite...
of the nine stories, hmm?
The long one.
Sorry, Chris. Wrong answer.
Carter, you're sort of starting to creep me out here.
There's just one more question.
How's it feel to be played?
Smile now, prom date.
You know, Chris, there's one thing you're right about.
What we do tonight is probably how we'll be remembered.
Tell your friends.
Don't say a word. Just have me.
You do know that...
people will be looking for me and--
This is really all Virgil Doolittle's fault.
Sure, I wanna be a legend and all, but--
I was just joking around. Pulling a prank, all right?
You should really think about it.
Okay, I'll do that.
Maggie, I need to talk to you.
What, lying and cheating weren't enough? Now you're breaking and entering?
The prince ascends my balcony...
Looks deeply into my eyes and says, "Ow."
You didn't let me finish.
I meant, "Ow. That really hurts like hell."
But not near as bad as losing you.
Or knowing that I can't take it back.
Look, I wish I could.
You lied to me.
You steered me right into that world.
Made me feel like I belonged.
You do belong.
You belong with me.
Talk is cheap.
If there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that.
If I let you off the hook, do you know how much you owe me?
The things I do for you.
Got your neck back for you, Gilmore.