The Whole Nine Yards Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Whole Nine Yards script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Whole Nine Yards. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Whole Nine Yards Script




- I need money.

- Yes, it is a lovely morning, isn't it?



The sun is shining, the birds are chirping.



Only dentist I know who can't make money.



Oh, really? What about her father?



As a dentist,

my husband was very successful.



- It was just that other stuff.

- Yes, there's a word for that.



It's called embezzlement.



Speaking of which,

how much do you need, dear?



- Five should probably do it.

- Thousand? For what?



You know what? Your father would be proud.



I'll... see what I can do. In the meantime,

you ladies have a lovely day.



I would... if you'd do me a favour and die!



Life is driving you to drink



You sit around wondering just what to think



Well, I got some consolation



I'll give it to you if I might



You know, I don't worry 'bout a thing



Cos I know nothing's gonna be all right



You know, this world

is just one big trouble spot



Cos some have plenty and some have not



You know, I used to be troubled



But I finally saw the light



Now I don't worry 'bout a thing



Cos I know nothing's going to be all right



Don't waste your time

trying to be a go-getter



Things'll get worse

before they get any better



You know, there's always somebody



Playin' with dynamite



But I don't worry 'bout a thing



Cos I know nothing's going to be all right



Excuse me. Are you threatening me?



I didn't think so.

Look, I changed my mind, OK?



Yes, I'll get you your money back.



Oui, oui madame DuPré. Mardi à trois heures.



Oui. A bientôt.



Morning, Doctor.



OK. Good news, Monsieur Boulez.



We're not gonna pull the tooth.

We'll just drill.



Ecoutez-moi, docteur. No drill.



- No drill?

- No drill.



I hate the drill. So you just gas me, pull

the tooth out and we'll still be friends. OK?






- I just want a hamburger and fries.

- I'm gonna have a hamburger



- with no mayonnaise this time.

- No?



No mayonnaise. Not at all. OK?



- She's gonna put mayonnaise on it.

- Do you mind if I say something?



Leave the bitch.



- Excuse me?

- Your wife. Leave her.



Find somebody else and just start over.



- Jill...

- Oz, look. I know it's none of my business.



I know I've only been working

for you for three weeks.



But I'm just telling you what I see, mister.

Your wife is not a good person.



- You're expecting an argument?

- So why torture yourself? Just divorce her!



I can't afford to. She'd take me to the

cleaners. I'm already paying her father's debt.



So she's gonna ride it out till Daddy's

debt gets paid. She's just charming.



She can't help it. Her mother...



What's a nice way of... Her... It's...



Well, she's the Antichrist.



You know, you'd be doing the world

a favour if you'd just have her whacked.



- You know somebody who would do this?

- Present company excluded?



- Voilà.

- Merci.



Talking hypothetically

or shall I name a price?



You should talk to my wife.

You'd make a fortune.



- What makes you say that?

- Life insurance.



I'm worth more dead than alive.



Yeah, just, dining room.

Take the plastic junk off of there.



Can you move any slower than this, fellas?



Hi! You must be our new neighbour.

I'm Nicholas Oseransky. Call me Oz.



- Jimmy.

- Hi.



Jimmy Jones.



- Have we met before?

- No.



- Are you sure?

- Yeah.



- I'd remember. I got a thing with faces.

- You look familiar. Where are you from?



Mr Jones, where do you want this?



Order! Order!



Upstairs, back bedroom.

What were you saying?



- You all right?

- Yes.



You sure? Because you look...

like you got some gas.



I-I-I had a hamburger for lunch.



- They put mayonnaise on it?

- Yes.



Can you tell me why they do that?



Every red-blooded American knows the only

condiment you ever put on a hamburger



is ketchup!



Or maybe some of that special sauce

you like so much here in Canada!



Which I think has mayonnaise in it too!



But when they slap that mayonnaise

on there, I could kill somebody!



I really, really didn't wanna upset you.



Who's upset?

I'm just having a conversation here.



- I'm gonna go home.

- OK.



- Feel better.

- Thank you.



- Oz!

- Yes!



Thanks for stopping by...

welcoming me to the neighbourhood.






Pack up! Pack up! We're leaving.






Jesus! I just bumped into

our new next-door neighbour.



- Do you have any idea who that is?

- I suppose you're going to tell me.



That's Jimmy the Tulip Tudeski.



- And that means something?

- He was a hit man for the Gogolak gang!



The Gogolak gang! The Hungarian gang

back in Chicago that ran the North Side?



That guy Jimmy was

Lazlo Gogolak's key enforcer!



- Sexy!

- Sophie, the man's killed    people.



- Why the stupid name?

- The Tulip?



That's his flower of choice.

It's what he sent to his victims' funerals.



- I wonder what he's doing here?

- Hiding out, most likely.



He ratted out Lazlo Gogolak. Lazlo's

spending the rest of his life in prison.



Jimmy only got five years.

Dave told me he refused witness protection.



- Protection from?

- I'm sure Lazlo's son Janni wants to put



one of those... you know, a price on his head.



You mean a... a contract?



A mob contract?



- Feelin' better?

- Yes, thank you.



- Let's go for a drive.

- A drive?



- Yeah, a drive.

- Well...



I don't know anyone else in town.



I figure we could go for a drive.

Show me the sights, you know?



- It won't kill you.

- Promise?



- So I take it you're not Canadian?

- Only by marriage.



- Where are you from?

- Chicago.



Not Chicago... Chicago.



I was born there but... I don't really know

anything about Chicago any more.






Yeah! Totally oblivious

to anything even related to Chicago.



- I'm from Jersey.

- New Jersey?



Yeah. New Jersey.



If you're from Jersey, you're from Jersey.



Jersey is another place

I know absolutely nothing about.



- You always this nervous?

- Yes.



Like virtually everything else that's wrong

in my life, it all started with the little missis.



Back home, her father and I

ran a dental practice together.



- You're a dentist?

- 'Fraid so.



- You suicidal?

- See, now, why would you say that?



I once read that dentists are prone to suicide.



Jimmy, I may hate my life

but I certainly don't wanna die.



You better get used to it

because you're going to.



I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna strangle you!



Everybody dies...



sooner or later.



- Tulip?

- No!



So you were sayin', your father-in-law...



Well, ironically, he was a suicide.



- Stats don't lie.

- He got caught molesting a patient.



An underage patient.

An underage male patient.



- Please, stop!

- I know. So this kid starts to blackmail him.



And this is at the exact same time the IRS

decides to investigate him for tax fraud.



So big Aaron needs money, and fast,

so he goes to a loan shark,



takes out a loan against our company,

which I had no idea about, then proceeds...



To hit Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno.



Loses all the money

and sticks you with the bill. Am I right?



You are right. That's exactly right.



So, after the ensuing scandal

and bankruptcy and embarrassment,



my wife and her mother decided

it would be best that we move back here.



You like livin' in Canada?



No, I... I live here with my wife.



You sure you're a dentist?



- Yeah. Why?

- Cos I've never met a dentist I liked.



Well, I try to keep things

as painless as possible.



Me too.






It's been good.

I'm glad we got to know each other.



You know what? Me too.



- You can go now.

- Right.



- Oz!

- Yes, dear.



- Thank God you're home.

- Thank God I'm home?



I had an idea. I figured out a way

we can pay off Daddy's debt.



- You're getting ajob!

- No!



- No.

- Our neighbour. There's a price on his head?



That's your plan? Murder our neighbour?



Here's what you're going to do.



You're going to Chicago to find out who

it is who's offering this price on his head.



- Jimmy Tudeski's head!

- Then you tell them you know where he is...



- after you negotiate a finder's fee.

- A finder's fee on a murder contract?



- Is there a problem?

- It would make me a party to... a murder.



- But he's a killer. You said so yourself.

- That's another good reason not to do it.



OK? And whatever he's done, he's been

to prison. He's paid his debt to society.



Well, now he can pay our debt, too.



Look, I know this is gonna sound crazy,



but I spent some time with the guy

today and he's... pretty nice, you know?



Besides, he hasn't done anything to me.



- He came on to me.

- What?



He came on to me!

That animal - he made a pass at me!






Earlier. This morning.

Before you came home.



He said you guys haven't even met.



- Who do you believe? A killer or your wife?

- Do I have to answer that?



- Nicholas!

- OK, OK!



Let's say... that he did make a pass at you.



He's been in prison for five years. He's

desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.



You pig! You disgust me!



There's a known killer living right next door



who might slaughter us in our sleep

and you won't lift a finger!



That's right. I'm not gonna lift

a finger, because this is crazy.



You do this for me...



and I give you your divorce.



And if you don't do this for me, I swear,

I'll make your life so damned miserable



it'll make these past few years

seem like a pleasure cruise.



I already booked your flight.

You leave tomorrow at  am.



You better start packing.



OK, well, when are you coming back?

I have to reschedule all your appointments.



- No more than a couple of days.

- Are you going alone?






Good. Can you do me a huge favour

while you're there? Go out and get laid!



- Jill!

- Call me the second you get back.



Better yet, call me right after.

Call me during. I want all the details.



All right, now don't expect too much.

I'm not even sure I'll be able to make contact.



It's not as if the Gogolaks

have a      number or anything.



I know you'll do what you can.



What is this?



Good luck, my darling.



And hurry home.



Do they have vomit bags on the flight?



You're Jimmy Tudeski, aren't you?

Jimmy the Tulip?



Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me, sexy.



But... you will never believe

what my darling husband is up to.



You're back in Chicago? Great!



Tell you what.

Meet me at Ekins Oyster Bar in    minutes.



- Dave, you got nothin' to worry about.

- How can I not worry?



You say you're here to rat

Jimmy Tudeski out to Janni Gogolak...



But I'm not going to rat him out.

Do you think I'm suicidal?



Well, you are a dentist.



Look, I have no intention

of ratting anybody out.



The only reason I'm here is

because I want Sophie off my back.



I've got a deadline. I'll come by

your hotel room as soon as I'm finished.



- Now, promise you won't do anything stupid.

- Why would you even say that?



You married Sophie, didn't you?



I'll get the check, then?



- I'm sorry. I must have the wrong...

- What room you lookin' for?



-    .

- You're in the right place.



You Nicholas Oseransky?



- Who are you?

- We understand you have information



regarding the whereabouts

of Jimmy the Tulip.



- Who told you that? Dave?

- Who's Dave?



- What... What did he tell you?

- Forget about Dave.



For our immediate purposes,

there is no Dave. Dave does not exist.



So... just answer my question.

Do you or don't you?



Have information regarding

the whereabouts of Jimmy the Tulip?



- I don't know what you're talking about, man.

- Really?



Then I must have been misinformed.



- I apologise.

- It's OK.



Now... let's try this again.



- We understand you have information...

- Who told you that?



Why do you wanna go cluttering your mind

with the inconsequential?



What's important is we know

that you know where Jimmy Tudeski is.



Look, I really have no i...



- Aren't you gonna cry out for help?

- Would it do any good?






- Who are you?

- Franklin Figueroa.



Aka Frankie Figs. I work for Janni Gogolak.



Oh, my God.



So... where's Jimmy?



Look, I sw...



My brother, believe me.

You don't wanna dance with me all night.



And for a scumbag like Jimmy T?

Save yourself the pain.



Look, I really have no idea...



I may know where he is.



Well, all right. But don't tell me.

Let's go tell Janni.



OK. Do you mind if I piss a little blood first?



- Please, by all means.

- Thanks.



My father...



is a great man.



A man of "wision" and...






A man who stood up for his beliefs.



Unlike that rat fuck



piece of shit... Tudeski.



Can you...



ask Cynthia to join us, please?



- You want a drink?

- Oh, no, thanks.



- Have a drink.

- I'll have a Scotch and soda, please.



I want you to understand.



Frankie explained to me you're having

a problem with your conscience.



- Yes, it's just that none of this was my idea.

- Do you think it was mine? No.



If I had my way, my father...



would still be running things

and I'd be somewhere like...



I dunno.






Actually, Aruba's not that nice.



- Excuse me?

- You may like it.



See, I honeymooned there

and that's probably why I didn't like it.



The thing you gotta remember is,

when we're talkin' about Jimmy Tudeski,



we're not talkin' about a human being.



We're talkin' about a rodent.



We're talking about...






- Where was I?

- "Wermin". I think "wermin".



We're talkin' about someone... Screw that!



Some thing



that doesn't deserve to be breathing...



the air.



Janni, talkin' about yourself again?



Mr Oseransky,



this is Cynthia.



Jimmy's wife.



- Cynthia, it seems that Mr...

- Doctor.



- Excuse me?

- Dr Oseransky. He's a dentist.






It seems that our dentist friend here

knows where Jimmy is.



- Oh? Come to collect on the contract?

- No.



Janni, just so you know, since I'm

the one that found this guy... I want it.



- The contract's mine.

- As long as I'm in on the kill.



- So long as I get full price.

- I wanna see that spineless rat beg.



- Money doesn't matter.

- Well, now I've heard everything!



Don't you believe it.

This one? Kill you for a quarter.



Mr Oseransky.



Frankie will accompany you back to Canada.



You will lead him to the man

you believe is Jimmy Tudeski.



- But, sir...

- Frankie, you'll let me know?



All right, then.



Mr... Mr Gogolak?



My wife would make my life

even more miserable than it already is



if I didn't at least ask.



Is there gonna be any kind

of finder's fee for this?



Finder's fee?



I tell you what.

Tell your wife we'll work somethin' out.



Cynthia, don't rush off.

We should chat a little.



I'll call you in the morning.

We'll leave first thing.



Doctor. You're not gonna do anything stupid

like try leaving me in the lurch, are you?






- Who did you talk to?

- What are you talking about?



- You know Frankie Figs?

- I know of him.



Yeah, well, when I came back from lunch,

he was sitting in my room!



- Frankie Figs was in your room?!

- And he knew all about my knowing



- where Jimmy the Tulip is!

- What did he do?



After he played congas on my kidneys,

he took me to see Janni Gogolak.



- Oz, tell me you're kidding me.

- Who did you tell? I wanna know who!



- No one. I swear.

- Well, then, how...



What am I gonna do?

I'll talk to you later. I gotta go.



- Room service.

- This is Dr Oseransky in room    .



I'm gonna need a bigger bottle of Scotch.



- Yeah?

- It's me.



Oz! How ya doin'?



What do I do? I've done something terrible!



- What could be so terrible?

- You've gotta get out of town, out of Canada.



- Just get the hell out. I'm in Chicago.

- Yeah. I heard about that.



Have you seen Janni yet?



- How did you know that?

- Relax.



I know about the whole thing.

OK? Don't worry.



- But...

- I'll explain everything when you get back.



In the meantime, why don't you have a good

time while you're down there? Live it up.



We'll talk when you get back.



If you say so, Jim.



Are you gonna invite me in or do I go down

and tell Janni's guys you're being impolite?



Janni's guys are downstairs?



Yes. Come in.



I love a man with manners.



Janni sent me to see if you were on the level.

Janni's the trusting type.



- So, do you or don't you?

- Do I or don't I...



Know where my wayward husband is?



- Mrs Tudeski...

- Cynthia. The woman you're about to widow.



- You don't understand.

- What's not to understand?



You want your    pieces of silver, right?



My only question is

why didn't you just do the job yourself?



- Why didn't I...

- Kill Jimmy and collect on the contract?



What's the matter?

You didn't have the stomach for it?



Or is your problem a little further... south?



- Have you vomited recently?

- Yes. I was gonna brush my teeth.



- I'll wait.

- OK.



Mrs Tudeski...

Cynthia, none of this was my idea.



You just happened

to travel      miles to rat Jimmy out.



That's what I'm trying to say.

It wasn't my idea. It was my wife's plan.



She wanted me to come to Chicago

and rat Jimmy out.



Maybe it would be best if you just went

back to Janni and said that I'm crazy.



That I've gone nuts. I'm chemically

imbalanced, you know. I'm wacko.



Maybe that would be the best thing.






Tell him I'm acting

exactly the way I'm acting right now.



But you do know where Jimmy is, don't you?



Look, Mrs Tudeski,

I don't want anybody to die.



And that is on the level.



- What do you want?

- What do I want?



I just want this all to end.



I am so damned scared.



That's room service.

Before I vomited, I ordered Scotch.



There you go. Thank you.



What would you say to a drink?



I'd say no ice, no water, in a tall glass.



What can I say? I was young.

Jimmy was like no man I'd ever met before.



Yeah, well, he's the first killer I've known.



There was no one like him

at my daddy's country club.



Lousy husband, though.

Cheated on me constantly.



- So why don't you just...

- Divorce him?



Jimmy doesn't believe in divorce.

Thinks it's a sin.



I know. A hit man with morals. Go figure!



So now that he's out of prison...

are you guys gonna get back together?



You mean assuming Frankie

and Janni don't kill him first?






Jimmy and I are over.



Even if I wanted to make

another go of it, which I don't,



there'd always be

that other thing between us.



What other thing?



- The fact that he wants to kill me.

- Why?



You're a sweet guy. Money.



Oh! Are you... Are you rich?



The money Lazlo Gogolak

gave us as a wedding present.



Only it wasn't a present. Lazlo was parking

the money with us to hide it from the feds.



- How much was it?

- Ten million dollars.



- Helluva parking space.

- The only way to get the money



was if Jimmy and Janni and I

all signed for it together.



If you didn't have all three signatures,

you'd need two signatures...



and a death certificate.



- Or one signature and...

- Two death certificates.



- So if Jimmy kills you...

- And Janni. Let's not forget about Janni.



- Then he gets the money. All of it.

- The whole nine yards.



What if you just told him

you didn't want the money?



I did tell him. I don't want a dime.



But he knows I don't wanna be

married to him and he won't divorce.



- But murder, he's OK with?

- It's what he does.



If it was me, ten million wouldn't be enough.



So how much would it take

for you to kill your wife?



- I'm talking about you.

- Me, then. How much?



That's what I'm saying. I think you are

the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.



- I cannot believe I am saying this out loud.

- I'm sure that's just the Scotch talking.



No, it's me.



I've spent the last seven years just

sitting and waiting for something to happen.



I didn't even know what it was...



until you walked in that room

at Janni Gogolak's house.



- I'm sorry. I've embarrassed you.

- I should go.



- No.

- Please.



You're a nice guy... but I've gotta go.



Let's go.



You know the night's still young.

You boys in any rush to get back?



Did you mean what you said?



I've got till midnight.



In the meantime...



- Promise me something.

- Anything.



You'll go slow.

I haven't made love in five years.



Neither have I.



I've been married.



It's almost time.



Again? What did you have,

oysters for lunch?



Actually, I did.



Jimmy knows I'm here.



- Here with me?

- Here in Chicago, talking with Janni.



- How? How did he know that?

- Because I told him.



- You what?

- He already knew.



- How?

- I'm guessing my darling wife.



- Is she trying to get you killed?

- Apparently! That's all I can come up with.



But when I talked to Jimmy...

he didn't sound upset.



No, he wouldn't. He'd be your best friend

right up until the moment he...



He's gonna kill me, isn't he?



Then, when he's done with that,

he's gonna come after you.



I'm not gonna let that happen.

I'm not gonna let Jimmy kill you.



I'm gonna take Frankie to Canada

and lead him to Jimmy.



- So Frankie can kill him.

- I don't like it, but better Jimmy than you.



Oz, don't you get it? Either way, I'm dead.



- Why? W-Why?

- When Jimmy's dead,



why would Janni wanna keep me alive?



- He'd wanna kill me too...

- So he can collect on the ten million dollars.



Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.



I swear I am not gonna let anybody kill you.



Under the circumstances, that's

the most romantic thing I've ever heard.






You what? You told Jimmy?



What the hell did you do that for?



I felt bad. I like him. I liked him.



- So you don't like him no more?

- It's sort of hard if he wants to kill you.



If you sold my ass out to Janni then told

me about it, I'd wanna ice your ass too.



I know.



- I can close that gap for you.

- Really?



- Yeah, you'd be in and out.

- You're kiddin'? This thing here?



So, did you do it?

Did you do what I told you to do?



- No, no. I'm not gonna answer that!

- So you did?!



- I can tell. You had sex!

- Full-size car, please!



- Who is she? I wanna hear all about it!

- I gotta go.



- Any emergencies, I've got my beeper on.

- OK, fine. Be that way.



The hell bitch called. She and her mom

went to Niagara Falls for a couple of days.



Probably workin' on her alibi. I gotta go.



Why don't you drive back

to the hotel with me?



Unless, of course, you'd rather go home in

broad daylight with Jimmy right next door?



Yeah, I'll go with you.



Frankie Figs.



Jimmy T.



What's goin' on, man? What's up, baby?



So, Frankie! Welcome to Montreal.



- What's up, partner?

- You're looking good!



- Oz, you look worried. Doesn't he, Frankie?

- He does, man.



Why don't you relax? Come on! Frankie

told me what a stand-up guy you've been.



Now change your pants. We're goin' out.



C'est une chanson



Qui nous ressemble



Toi, qui m'aimais



Moi, qui t'aimais



Et nous vivions



Tous les deux ensemble...



I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries,

but I'm gonna send this burger back.



If you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna

come over your house, chop your legs off,



set your house on fire, and watch as you drag

your bloody stumps outta your house. OK?






I'm fine.



You're fine?



Let me tell you somethin', Oz. You are not

fine. You know your wife wants you dead?



That much I've figured out.



I thought you should know.

I'm not the first one she came to.



- The first...

- Hitter.



- There were others?

- At least one.



Apparently, that fell through

so she came to me.



What did you tell her?



You mean did I... take the contract?



No. I didn't take the contract.



- How much did she offer you?

- Ten grand.



No wonder you turned her down!



But you did turn her down?

Even though I went to Janni?



You didn't go to Janni.

Jimmy sent me to come to you.



I know that Frankie can be very persuasive.



- By the way, how's your urination?

- Fine, thank you.



So why did you want me to go see Janni?



- So you could tell him where I was.

- So he'd come here and you could kill him?



Exacto! By the way...

I'd be happy to do your wife for you.



- Do my wife?

- Tap her.



- Whack her.

- Whack her?



Oh! Oh, see, I thought you meant...



Cos she told me that you...

you know, hit on her.



That's funny.



Why is that funny?



Actually, I wasn't gonna tell you this,

but... the truth is, your wife came on to me.



- And?

- Oz... we're friends.



Friends do not engage in sexual congress

with each other's wives.



Besides... I don't find your wife

particularly that attractive.



You just got out of prison.



You've been in prison for five years

and you don't find my wife attractive?



She's not a good person.



You've killed    people... and you

don't think my wife is a good person?



It's not important

how many people I've killed.



What's important... is how I get along

with the people that are still alive.



- You gonna finish this?

- Just take it.



Les pas des amants






I think we've given it long enough.



Give Janni a call.

The sooner he gets here, the better.



After you kill Janni,

are you gonna go back to Chicago?



No. I've done with Chicago.



What about your wife?

Are you gonna get back together with her?



- You're gonna kill her too?

- For a helluva lot more than       dollars!



- Well, you can't do that!

- Why not?



Because she's your wife!



Jimmy, you were right about him.

He's an exceedingly sweet man.



Wife like he got

and still he believes in weddin' vows!



So do I. Especially "Till death do us part."



It's my beeper. I gotta go to the office.



Well, wedding vows or not...



I'd watch my back.



I'd say your wife's still shoppin' for a hitter.



Good luck.



You know what? On second thought,

I think we're gonna have to pull the tooth.



Oz! What is it? What's the matter?



Oh, no! Oz, no! I'll take that!






- I am your friend. Talk to me.

- I have to talk to somebody



- because I'm gonna do something...

- Take your time.



That's good.



First of all, I just found out

that my wife is trying to have me killed.



- Who told you?

- A friend.



- Anyone I know?

- He's my next-door neighbour.



And here's the funny part. He's a hit man too!



- Really? What's his name?

- Jimmy. Jimmy Tudeski.



Jimmy the Tulip?



Jimmy the Tulip lives next to you?

And you know him?!



Oz, can you introduce me to him?



Jill... The man's a professional killer.



Oz, I've been wanting to meet this guy

for years. Please, Oz. Come on!



Oh, Oz!



Quick, come on!



- What's this, Oz?

- I dunno.



It is you. Mr Tudeski, you don't understand.

I'm one of your biggest fans.



I've followed your career since I was a kid.

That's why I'm trying to get into the business.



- What business would that be?

- Contract killing. It's what I wanna do.



If I could just have one afternoon of your

time, I know I could learn so much from you.



So come in.



You too.



What's all this?



- How do you know her?

- She's my assistant.



- Did you know she was a hitter?

- I'm still a virgin.



I haven't killed anyone yet, professionally.



- Oz was gonna be my first.

- Excuse me?



- His wife hired me.

- That was you?



It was supposed to look like an accident, so

I went to work for him to identify his habits.



- Good. Smart.

- Thanks.



But then after I got to know him,

I... started to like him.



- First mistake.

- I know!



You should get close, but not too close.



- Oz, why don't you pour yourself a martini?

- It's four o'clock in the afternoon.






Don't give yourself a hard time.

You've got your whole career ahead.



I remember when I was first startin' out,

I hadn't done that much.



I'd done some things, saw some money, was

having fun. I was doing somethin' I liked.



And I was recruited by Lazlo Gogolak.



He wanted me to whack out

one of his little cousins.



- Is this the Stanley Posilansky incident?

- Yeah.



Anyway, Lazlo doesn't want it

to look like a hit.



So I've gotta get close to Stanley, who was

this really charming, cute, funny little guy.



Very weird sense of humour. Made me laugh.



I really liked him as a person.

You know what I mean?



You got too close.



Yeah. I got too close.



Moment of truth comes... I choked.



- Him?

- Me. I choked.



I couldn't do it. I actually...



I told him I was there to kill him.



I said "Run, Stanley, run!

Go, go! Run, hide. Off you go."



We shake hands, part as friends.



I turn around to walk away...

and that weasel shoots me in the back.



The bullet comes out right here.



- So what did you do?

- I didn't really like Stanley after that.



He took a really... really long time to die.



And this scar's a reminder.

Never get too close.



Excuse me!



Excuse me!



Not to interrupt or anything, but you

were gonna kill me? That was the plan?



- What are you doin' tonight?

- No plans.



Wanna help us out? Me and Frankie Figs.



Wait. Are you offering me ajob?



Only if you're interested.



It would be an honour.

It would be like a dream come true!



- Who's the mark?

- Janni Gogo.



Janni Gogo?



Feel my arm. Goose bumps!






The phone scared me.



There it is again!



- What is wrong with you?

- I dunno.



Yeah. Frankie.



OK, good. See you soon.



- Good news?

- Great news.



Apparently Janni Gogo is on his way

up here and... bringing my wife with him.



- Your wife?

- Your... He's got... Why?



Janni figures he'll take care of her

when he takes care of me.



- So what are you gonna do? Try to save her?

- No. I want her dead, too.



- Really?

- Yeah. You got a problem with it?



- Why would I? It's not like I know her.

- I can't believe you people!



Here you are, calmly talking about

the murder of a beautiful, innocent woman,



whose only crime

is that she married you, Jimmy,



so I'm not gonna listen to this any more.



You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna...



I'm gonna...



I'm gonna go!



All right!



Does this slide? What?



Answer that.



That's my phone, thank you.






- Well, who was it?

- They hung up.



- Expecting a call?

- Explain how that's any of your business.



Get her bag. The plane's waiting and I'm not.



Oh, my God.



- You don't like the Walther?

- Go with what you're comfortable with.



- It's what James Bond uses.

- Really?



- Yeah.

- Still, I'd like...



Is there any way

I can stop you from doing this?



Oz, will you relax? I promise you, no one

will know you had anything to do with this.



- That's not the point.

- What is the point?



You're still gonna kill your wife!









I've got a very good reason to kill my wife.



I've got ten million

very good reasons to kill my wife.



OK, well... what if I said no?



You know, what if I said

I wasn't gonna let you do it?



You are the most chivalrous guy

I have ever met in my life.



- Do you see why I couldn't kill him?

- I love him.



Oz... come on.



You relax. Come on over here, sit down in

your favourite chair. Have another martini.



Listen to me. Tonight is gonna happen,

whether you want it to or not.



- And... you're gonna help.

- Me? Help?



Yeah. You, help. You're gonna help.

You're gonna go with Frankie to meet Janni.



If you're not there, Janni will get suspicious,



get back on the plane and fly back

to Chicago, and we don't want that.



- Jimmy.

- Oz.



This is the way it's gotta be, OK?






I'm tellin' you this like a friend

because... if you screw this up,



I would hate to...



I would really hate to have to kill you.



I would hate it.

I'd hate it more than mayonnaise.



- You know how much I hate mayonnaise.

- Yes, I do.



And trust me, you want Janni Gogolak dead.



That's where you're wrong.

I don't want anybody dead.



Well, if we don't make Janni Gogolak dead,

he's gonna make you dead.



- The Gogolaks don't leave witnesses around.

- Oh, so now...



Damn it, Jimmy! Why the hell did

you have to go and move in next door to me?



Oz, do you know what kind of soil

they have in this back yard?



- After two days, I've got little tomato plants...

- Oh, my God!



Yes! Yes! Yes!



Yes... Yes! Yes!



- Why did you stop?

- Are you doing it tonight?



- Tonight, whenever. Kick it into gear!

- For      ?



Wait a minute.

You said we were doin' this for   .



I changed my mind. But if you think

I should try to find somebody else, I can...



No, no, no, no.



Listen, why don't we make it...      ?



I can live with      .

As long as my husband doesn't.



He won't. I promise.



- You must be...

- Jill St Clair.



And can I just say, Mr Figueroa,

that I think the job you did on Kevin Vincent,



that and the Ronald Abramson hit,

they were both just... They were works of art.



- I see you've done your homework.

- Well, I keep a scrapbook.



- Frankie!

- What's up, man?



Honey, why don't you go get Oz?

I wanna run through this again,



make sure we know what we're doing.



- Cute kid.

- Got definite potential.



Time to rock and roll.



I got this same car.



- Really?

- No.



All right, nobody move.



Everybody quiet.



God, I'm gonna love this.



So... now what?



Now we wait until...



- he's asleep.

- OK.



Sweet dreams, Jimmy.



Let's get started.



We got company.



- Anybody we know?

- Oz's wife and some guy.



Probably your replacement. The new hitter.



Well, nothing we can do about it now.



- Keep an eye on 'em.

- OK.



Love those pants on you.



- So what is he, a bad guy, your husband?

- No.



Actually, everyone seems to like him.



Which might be the thing

I hate most about him.



- So let's go over this one more time.

- What the hell for?



I just wanna make sure

we got everything right.



Is there any particular way

you want him to die?



What do I care? I'm out of the country.

Shopping for my funeral dress.



Dentist... get the blinds.






Oh, God! Of all the times...



You're married, right?

Does your wife have any...



Feminine products! Yes. Yes, she does.



They're right through there.

I'll show you where they are.



- Don't b' long.

- Don't blong?



- Don't be long.

- Gotcha.



You make a little noise, he gets out

of bed to see what the problem is



and you make him dead! OK?



- You understand me?

- The dead part?



Ransack the house a bit

so it looks like a bad burglary.



And you get your ass back in this car,

and we drive like hell back to Niagara Falls.



Where you're gonna pay me

my other      dollars?



My mother's there waiting with it.



Your mother, she knows about this?



My mother wants this to happen

as much as I do.



And I really, really want this to happen.



- They're gonna kill you!

- What?



When they're done with Jimmy, Janni's

gonna come after you. I came to warn you.



Oh, that is...



Janni won't kill anyone.

Jimmy's waiting for them.



- So Jimmy...

- Jimmy and Frankie, they're in...



- Cahoots.

- Right.



- And you? Are you cahooting with them?

- I had to pretend I was.



But, listen... I have a plan.



It's time. You two stay here.



Hey. You know these guys?






Who is that?



- Is that Janni Gogolak?

- From the Gogolak gang.



It might be. The guy they call

Jimmy the Tulip lives next door.



Jimmy the Tulip. Damn!

This is a hit. Stay right here.



- Who's that?

- I don't know.



You smell great!






- You got a gun now. Gonna use it or not?

- Kill him, Major.



Yeah, kill him, Major. Go ahead!

Show him how you're not afraid to die!






Looks like you don't want it enough.



You should laugh when

something's funny for a change.



One rock or more or less isn't worth dying for.



Hi. Are you guys looking for someone?



Hi, Janni.



Watch your head!



You know, this whole sneakin'-into-the-house

thing to try to kill me?



You guys are really good! You really...



Goodbye, Janni.



- What's goin' on?

- Oz took off with your wife.



- And Sophie's hitter's right outside.

- All right. I'll take care of it.



You should get dressed.



You know what? Better yet, stay just like that.



In    seconds,

stick your head out that window.






- Nice work.

- Thanks, Jimmy.



Be right back.



You know, I can't think of nothin' finer

than a fine naked woman holdin' a gun.



And you just all kinds of fine, ain't you?



Don't get any ideas.



A seriously sweet ass.



Can I help you?



Now you can get dressed.



- Where do you want this?

- Just put it over there.



What was Oz doin'

goin' off with my wife like that?



- I can beep him. You can ask him.

- Beep him.



Now ain't this some shit?



All right, maybe he won't come after us.

Maybe he'll just let us go.



OK. Maybe I can talk to him.

Reason with him. We're friends now, right?



- That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.

- What happened to him?



I don't wanna know what happened to him.



It's your beeper.



I know.



It's Jimmy.



Jimmy, it's me.



Oz, what the hell were you thinkin',

takin' off with Cynthia?



I'm sorry. But I can't let you kill her.



What do you mean?

That's got nothin' to do with you!



Jimmy, I'm in love with her.



Look. I...



- What did you just say?

- I love her.



What are you talkin' about, you love her?

You just met her!



- He said he's in love with Cynthia.

- No shit!



- So she's the one!

- She's the one what?



- The one he schtupped in Chicago!

- The one he...



My wife.



You schtupped my wife, Oz?



I wouldn't exactly necessarily

phrase it that way, exactly.



No, wait, wait! You went to Chicago and

engaged in sexual congress with my wife?



Is that what you're telling me?



- Is that it? Is...

- Jimmy, calm down.



I swear to God...



He's a little upset.

I've managed to upset a mass murderer.



Find out where he is. Just stay right there.



- Oz, you stud, you!

- Gonna be a dead stud.



Tell Jimmy I might have thought

of a win-win way out of this.



I know you got a couple

of bodies lying around.



Yeah, and get this. One of 'em's a cop.



What's he sayin'? What's he sayin'?!



Tell him to stay where he is

and I'll be right there.



That sounds great. I'm gonna run it

by the boys and I'll beep you right back.



OK. Bye.



Jimmy, when was the last time

you went to the dentist?



You really meant it, didn't you?



What you said.



About what? Loving you? Of course!

What did you think this was all about?






- I mean great sex, but...

- It was pretty good.



Is that all this has meant to you?



Don't get me wrong, Oz. I like you a lot.



Well, that's great to hear,

but I've got news for you.



I don't usually go round risking my life

for people thatjust like me.



Well, I do like you.






Then again, who knows? Maybe...



Maybe this feeling I've been having

in the pit of my stomach...



Maybe it's love.



It's your beeper.



I know.



- Yeah?

- It's me.



- I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.

- Yeah. Who knew?



Jill told me your idea.






I think it's worth a try.



- Jimmy, thank you.

- Butjust so you know...



I am disappointed, Oz.



I am extremely disappointed with you.



You are the last person

I would ever wanna disappoint,



but everything I did was for love.



Yeah, whatever.



- See you at your office.

- OK. Gimme an hour.



Oh, and don't forget the corpse!



- Merci. Monsieur Boulez, remember to floss.

- De rien. C'est mon plaisir.



Stay on the boat. Take this.



If you don't hear from me in two hours,

just go. Disappear. Leave the country.






Be careful.



I'm Mr Careful.



Oz. I just wanted to make sure it was you.



Everybody's inside. By the way,



huevos grandes, amigo!



The great and powerful Oz.



Why don't we get started?



So far, so good.



- Is he up?

- Yeah, got him.



Let's see if he stays...



All right. Frankie, duct tape.



We did it.



Yeah, I think we're good.



- Barbecue?

- Barbecue.



It really turned out to be a nice night tonight.



OK. I'll be right back.



- Who's this remind you of?

- Old Charlie, baby.



All right.






Doctor? These men need to see you.



Excuse me.



Right this way, gentlemen.



Dr Oseransky, I'm Sergeant Buchanan.

This is Officer Morrissey.



Yes, well, what can I do for you?



Are you the owner of a brown Toyota Corolla,



licence number ZSJ    ?



- Yes. Is there a problem?

- Do you know where your vehicle is, sir?



- I lent it to my neighbour. He went fishing.

- This neighbour. He got a name?



Jimmy Jones.



Would you mind taking us

to his place of residence?



Your car was found

by the grain silo at the Old Port.



- Two bodies were in it. There had been a fire.

- Oh, my God.



The extent of the burns made

normal identification impossible,



so dental impressions were taken.



And from the records,

we were able to establish



that the bodies were those of one Janni

Pytor Gogolak and James Stefan Tudeski.



Both of them were big shots

in a Chicago crime syndicate.



- And you think this James...

- Tudeski.


            the Jimmy I know?

- That's what we intend to find out.



Isn't that Hanson's car?



Go have a look.



- Who's... who's Hanson?

- One of our men.



He was on an undercover assignment.



There was some concern earlier

because he failed to check in this morning.



Your mother, she knows about this?



My mother wants this

to happen as much as I do.



And I really, really want this to happen.



It's Hanson's car all right.

But no sign of Hanson.



But I found a tape.



Dr Oseransky, could you tell us

where your wife might be?



My wife? She's in Niagara Falls

with her mother. Why?



I don't know how to tell you this,



but it seems that your wife recently

tried to hire a hit man to kill you.



A hit man?



Oh, my God!



There's no smoking in here.



So where is he, Mrs Oseransky?



...questions and you better have answers!

- Hi, Mom!



You can ask me questions,

but until I speak to my attorney...



You spoke to him.

He doesn't want anything to do with you!



Special Agent Hanson, Mrs Oseransky.

What did you do to him?



- Wasn't me.

- We have your voice on tape!



His written reports! We know you tried to hire

him to kill your husband. So what happened?



Did he try to back out?

He tried to back out and you killed him.



None of this would have happened

if that girl had done herjob!



- What girl?

- Jill!



My husband's receptionist.



- Oh, yeah? Well, is she a contract killer, too?

- Yes! I hired her! She's the killer.



This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.



Do you wanna talk to her?



No. No, I don't think so.



Mm. I don't blame you.



You guys know a good divorce lawyer?



She did it! She's a killer!

You've got to believe me!



Don't worry. I got all the i's dotted

and all the t's crossed.



- Jimmy's got his own way of spelling.

- I will take care of him. You needn't see him.



You and Jill go to the bank.

Jimmy and I'll be at the fine-art museum.



- Jimmy at a fine-art museum?

- There's people at a fine-art museum.



- He's not gonna try anything.

- All right. If you say so.



Where's Cynthia?



You and I are leaving.



I'll beep Cynthia. She'll call you

on that phone and tell you where to go.



Listen to him. Mr Cloak-and-Dagger!



- I'm being careful. I'm a dentist.

- Yeah.



You boys play nice, now.



Take us to the art museum.



You think if Cynthia doesn't come through,

you're gonna be any safer at the art museum?






Yeah. Yeah.



I hope there was nothing special

you wanted to see at the art museum.



- Why?

- Cos we're not going to the art museum.



We're going to the marina.



- The marina?

- Yeah.



I rented a boat for the day.



Ain't that right, Frankie?



See? I'm careful, too.



You're Jill?



Nice to meet you.



- Where's your gun?

- What makes you think I have a gun?



Throw it in.



Do you have the certificates?



Let's go banking.



Everything seems to be in order.



- Where would you like the money sent?

- To a bank in the Caymans.



- The account number is  ...

- Can we have a minute?



- Certainly.

- Thanks.



I'll be right over there.



We could just walk away, you know.

You and me.



With the whole ten million.



So? What do you think?



I think...



- I know that if we did, Jimmy would kill Oz.

- So what?



- You're a lucky guy, Oz.

- Why would you say that?



You're about to find out

if the woman you love really loves you.



Want a beer?



If it was me, if I was in her position,



I'd just take the money and run.



So what are you bettin' on?



I'm betting on love.



Love for you means money for me. And like I

said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.



- So when are you gonna do it?

- Let's just make sure we got the money first.



But you are intendin' to kill him?



Jimmy, listen. He was there! He was there

when you killed Janni and a cop!



Now, I know you like this guy...



- Yeah. I do.

- But he's got to go.



- And if you ain't prepared to do it, then I...

- Hey, Frankie, Frankie!



Let's not forget who you're talking to, OK?



Jimmy Tudeski may be dead,



but he ain't exactly dead. Understand?



- Glad to hear it.

- Just drive the boat.



Think about it, Cynthia. We're talking

about five million dollars apiece here.



Is Oz really worth that much to you?



The thing is... is...



- I think I love him.

- You think? You think?



Sweetheart, for five million dollars,

you better be damn certain!



I am.



I'm sorry, but I... I love him.



You do? That's the right answer.



Yo, guy! You can get back here now.















We got the money.



Bye-bye, Oz.






Sorry, Frankie. I always liked you.



Wh... Why... Why did you kill him?!



Well, I had to kill one of you.



Well, then, you definitely

made the right decision.



Why did you have to kill him?!



Well, if I didn't kill you, Frankie would have.



And... he would have thought

that I'd gone soft,



eventually come after me and the money.



So... what about me?



I want the bulk of the money

to be put into this account.



I also want one million dollars

placed in this account



under the name of Dr Nicholas

and Mrs Cynthia Oseransky.



- One million dollars...

- What?



An early wedding present from Jimmy.



Not that Jimmy.



- Can we have another minute?

- Certainly.



- Thanks.

- I'll just...



- Is this for real?

- Yes, but to get the money,



you have to show up together and show them

a copy of a validated marriage certificate.



- Jimmy's giving me a divorce?

- Don't you read the papers, lady?



Jimmy Tudeski's dead.



- I don't know what to say.

- When the time comes... just say "I do".






Maybe I am going soft. In the old days,

I would have definitely killed you.



Don't be so hard on yourself.



Or... I dunno.



Maybe I have changed since my death.



- I don't think that's what it is.

- What do you mean?



- You love her, don't you?

- Cynthia?



Hi, Oz. Cynthia's waiting for you.

She said you'd know where.



Say hi to my widow for me, will you?



Take care of yourself.



Marry me.



Jimmy told you.






He didn't, did he?



You just... wanna marry me?






No, I don'tjust wanna marry you.

I wanna marry you more than anyone's



wanted to marry anyone

in the history of the world.



Then would I be out of line if I told you...



that I loved you?



And said "Yes"?



- I would love to marry you.

- So you...



wouldn't mind spending

the rest of your life with a poor dentist?



Somethin' tells me we'll get by.



They all laughed at Christopher Columbus



When he said the world was round



They all laughed

when Edison recorded sound



They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother



When they said that man could fly



They told Marconi wireless was a phoney



It's the same old cry



They laughed at me wanting you



Said I was reaching for the moon



But, ooh, you came through



Now they'll have to change their tune



They all said we never could be happy



They laughed at us and how



But ho, ho, ho



Who's got the last laugh now?



They all laughed at Rockefeller Center



Now they're fighting to get in



They all laughed

at Whitney and his cotton gin



They all laughed

at Fulton and his steamboat



Hershey and his chocolate bar



Ford and his Lizzy



Kept the laughers busy



That's how people are



They laughed at me wanting you



Said it'll be hello, goodbye



And, ooh, you came through



Now they're eating humble pie



They all said we'd never get together



Darling, let's take a bow



For ho, ho, ho



Who's got the last laugh now?



They laughed at me wanting you



Said it would be hello, goodbye



But, ooh, you came through



Now they're eating humble pie



They all said we'd never get together



Darling, let's take a bow



For ho, ho, ho



Who's got the last laugh?



Hee, hee, hee



Let's have the past laugh



Ha, ha, ha, who's got the last laugh now?


Special help by SergeiK