Voila! Finally, the Women Vs. Men
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Chazz Palminteri
movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Women Vs. Men. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
-What are you doin'?
-Turn it off.
-What's goin' on?
-Why are you sitting in the dark?
-I want to.
-You wanna talk?
-Wanna give me the razor blade?
-Retrieve it at the autopsy.
I can't see shit.
-Dana calls Brita. You guys had a fight?
-No fight, just a shrill exit.
-Prompted by what?
-What, did one come through the house?
-I gave her a Cadillac.
-And that cleared the room?
-What year is the Cadillac?
-New. What's the difference?
Certain model years can be
construed as insulting.
I'm making a point. Factors are involved.
The gift, the occasion and all this--
Just celebrating the good times.
That's what you fought about?
There was no fight.
She got hysterical and left.
I was bewildered.
There was hysteria and bewilderment.
-Hey, that's the glue of most marriages.
-She's been gone for two hours.
Over a Cadillac?
Sterling silver DTS. It's in the garage.
-This is bullshit.
-Goddamn right it's bullshit.
Drove home with a DTS,
she freaked and left. Took the Expedition.
-You won't catch Dana in a Cadillac.
-She goin' through menopause?
Fuck do I know?
She's probably going through Delaware.
Her father drove a Cadillac.
-DTS is not the same car her father drove.
At some point, don't they have to stop
blaming us for being nuts?
Nuts is part of the whole package.
We went to LA over Christmas
to visit my brother.
Got a fancy suite
at the Ritz Carlton, beautiful.
I wake up in the middle of the night.
I feel eyes on me.
Hair, growing out of the ridge of your ear.
When did this start?
I don't know.
What, you don't notice your own ears?
I was trying to sleep.
It doesn't bother you?
It's hair, for Christ's sake.
I tried a depilatory, my ears turned purple
and ballooned up like a baboon's ass.
I shave them now. I have to.
Brita staring in the middle of the night,
who knows what she's thinking?
The group that bought my business,
first thing they do...
is hold a gender-sensitivity seminar.
What is sexual harassment?
Sexual harassment is any behavior,
or verbal, suggesting that we are
focusing on our coworker's gender...
rather than at the task at hand.
Now, how to avoid.... Yes, question?
Peggy Grayson, Human Resources.
You say physical or verbal, but what about
subliminal sexual harassment?
-Could you be a little more specific?
I refer to what the men at work are thinking.
Good question? The woman is in need...
of immediate psychiatric care,
and he says, "Good question."
It was a recrimination festival.
All day, lectures on
no leering, no innuendo, no touching.
-Definitely no Cadillac.
I am seeing a window of opportunity here.
-You wanna do Motion?
Dana'd smell it on me.
What, you don't have a sink,
a bar of soap in the house?
-The best boy on the planet. I know.
-That's right. So what do you say, big guy?
I love this country.
Sweetie. Hi, it's me.
I'm with Mickey. Yeah. I know.
Yeah, he's in pretty bad shape.
I should stay here with him,
let him talk it through.
That's what I'm gonna do. Okay.
Don't stay up.
She's still on the phone with Dana.
You know Dana's dad drove a Cadillac?
-I said that.
-With the windows up, smoking a cigar.
The annual Passover pilgrimage to Miami.
Two days on the road, windows up,
Dad puffing on his Dominican.
It's a wonder the entire family
doesn't have black long.
Brita says it's not the Cadillac.
It's the Cadillac in combination
with the cigar.
-Brita's obsessed with ear hair.
-She's a psychologist.
Says Dana left 'cause
you remind her of her father.
-All of a sudden, after years?
-Suddenly, you smell like him.
I don't smell like her father.
Apparently, you do. Maybe it's the
new leather combined with the old tobacco.
Those olfactory memories
could be very powerful.
Fuck. I smell like her father.
-There it is.
-We'll be in therapy for a year.
You see? You're like something old
she left in the refrigerator.
And now the odor is so rank,
she had to leave.
She'll get somebody else to remove it,
like a lawyer.
Fuck us all. Shelly left Dan
'cause he's arrogant and cold.
-He is arrogant and cold.
-He was like that when she married him.
Eighteen years later this dawns on her?
What about reasonable expectations?
Shelly's over here two or three
times a week bitchin' about him.
Doesn't call. Sees a light, she's at the front
door. Why was I sittin' in the dark?
Twice, she passed out drunk.
Finally, I said to her:
"Enough, the breakup was your idea.
Quit bitching about it." She starts crying.
Dana's all over me for upsetting her.
Yeah, those tears.
Tears are a hell of an edge.
Is it too much to expect a little sanctuary
from other people's self-induced bullshit?
At least in your own home?
Well, it's not my own home now.
It's the weeping women's day spa
and occasional bed and breakfast.
-I'm just the doorman.
-All right, watch this, doorman.
Rides as tight as my Jag.
Cadillac's come a long way.
Good for them.
So what do we got here? OnStar, GPS.
How's the stereo, nice?
Turn that up.
It's like clockwork.
Twenty years in, they hit menopause.
This isn't menopause.
It's the two-minute warning.
The pre-menopausal epiphany
when it dawns on them...
they've squandered their beauty years
living with toads.
The shit that dawns on them.
it dawns on Karen she's gay.
Karen, please don't do this.
This is who I am.
But please, for God's sake. She's so butch!
How do you hold something like that in
Tom is devastated.
He can't function at work.
He can't go home to the memories.
He's in a support group now.
You know they have a support group
for that? Ex-husbands of lesbians.
What could they possibly have
to say to each other?
Haven't got a clue.
Karen is pumping iron now in Key West.
-Yeah, are you in the car?
-I'm in New Jersey.
I thought you were supposed to go home.
I was going home, then I saw
Michael and Bruce going out in the car.
I turned around and followed them.
to New Jersey? They're probably going
over to Nick's to have some buy talk.
no, they didn't take that exit.
Shit. Why would he leave like this?
He knew I was upset.
It's the season, pally.
The smell of Daddy.
The forest sproutin' out of my ears.
you never know what's gonna dawn on 'em.
you never see it comin'.
-Nick invited it.
Sunday, calls me : in the morning.
-Michael. Yeah, Nick.
-Nick. What time is it?
: : . I don't know.
look, I have a little bit of a problem.
do you think, maybe,
you could come pick me up?
Where are you?
Fuck! Fuck! Fuckin' battery! Fuck!
Nick took Jamie un one of those
touchy-feely weekends they always go to.
Last year, remember he took her
to that sweat lodge?
Came out thinking he could
speak Arapaho, the potz.
-So the thing--
-'Cause he's an asshole.
This thing, that was the one,
they actually put it on public television...
which is reason enough
to stop public funding.
"Make your love Last" Seminar.
Run by doctor....
Some woman with a husky voice and
the unrepentant desire to cut off your balls.
you know what they call that?
That's "gender sensitivity."
So anyway, he calls me right back.
-Michael. Yeah, okay.
The seminar. It was so spiritual.
I can't remember the last time
that I felt so close to Jamie.
-Then what's the problem?
-I had to tell my wife I cheated on her.
It's really the only way to heal, you know.
Su, cuming home, I told her.
Hey, fuck you!
What's goin' on?
It's nothing, just a little problem.
So, I told Jamie about the four times.
Meaningless, right? Road pussy.
One was even manual release.
-A hand job.
Once was oral sex. Meaningless.
you know, strictly speaking,
it was really only twice.
Nick, how could you tell her that?
Well, I had to.
I had to purge to break down the barriers.
What'd she say?
She threw me out of the fuckin' car!
I'm a wreck an hour ago,
and they're laughing.
You don't know why they're laughing.
He had to purge.
does it matter?
Deny, deny, deny.
What's the matter with him?
He doesn't know?
-He does now.
I'm flush. both kids away at school.
We're alone together first time
Whatever she wants. I don't get it.
-your life is changing.
-These are good changes.
doesn't matter. See, if they're not
instigating it, they can't stand change.
Unless it's travel.
If it's travel, you know, they can change
hotel rooms like underwear.
to them travel and romance
are the same thing.
They think taboo and romance are the same.
Travel is how they get to it.
women get horny,
you take them any place but home.
That is the fuckin' truth.
Show them an airline ticket,
they turn into travel tarts.
Yeah, what is that about?
Unfamiliar surroundings. Mysterious nights.
you know they all fantasize about
seducing a stranger.
-ls that right?
-Number-one fantasy. Ours is a threesome.
Theirs is fucking a stranger.
At least in our fantasy,
they're generally one of the threesome.
In theirs, we don't exist.
Yeah, travel, it's a double-edged sword.
The sex is better, but mentally,
they're having it with someone else.
Dana, what's going on?
Hello? Are you there?
Just a second, Brita.
They're going in a building.
-What building? Where?
-I'll call you back, okay?
-I'll call you right back.
Oh, my god. Those fucking shitheads.
-You're not gonna believe this.
-Why? What is it?
Lap dancing. do you have any idea
what lap dancing is?
I can imagine.
no, no, no. you can't imagine this.
They're robbing themselves on them.
No! There's nothing to strip!
They're bare-ass fuckin' naked!
Wait. Bruce and Michael?
no, not Michael and Bruce. The girls!
-Are they touching?
-Yes, they're touching!
Are they pretty?
They look like they're all airbrushed to life.
Brita! Brita, my marriage is dead! It's dead!
Okay, don't overreact because you were
already upset about the car.
This is not about the fucking Cadillac.
your husband's in there, too, you know.
His face is buried in breasts...
right up to his hairy ears.
you have to confront them.
I can't confront 'em. It's too frightening.
There's a hundred men in there, at least,
snorting and routing like pigs.
I think I'm gonna get sick.
Oh, my god. I don't even think I can drive.
-I'm gonna come get you.
-No. I'll be okay. I'll try.
It's not warm. She's been home a while.
She's probably asleep.
good. I can come in and wash up.
All right, just be quiet.
I don't wanna wake her up.
-you all right?
-She's really serious about leaving.
-That's not our luggage. It's yours.
Wait a second. Hey, this is my stuff in here.
-you never see it coming.
What's goin' on?
I'm throwing you out.
-I'm not leaving.
-Yes, you are. Where were you?
Hello. you abandoned me.
I was sitting here for two hours, agonizing
with worry until I couldn't stand it anymore.
-We went for a ride. A Coke.
-A Diet Coke.
you know what, sweetie?
Let's let 'em have their space.
Space? you're going with him.
do I get an answer? Where were you?
I drove around.
Talked to Brita. Followed you.
Watched you have your Diet Coke.
Tell me, Michael,
where does she hide the straw?
-We're not fucked.
-to your cheating?
-I wasn't cheating.
-your eye's twitching.
you thought it might be. you're nervous.
-I wasn't cheating.
-At that whorehouse?
-It's a legal public establishment.
-There was no intercourse.
-What do you call it?
-Girls young enough to be your daughters?
-Cheating, in public, with a prostitute.
-No. A dancer.
Her implants were practically in your mouth.
There is audience participation.
My name's not Hillary. Get out.
Let's check you into the Hyatt
until it blows over.
I'm not being thrown out of
the house I paid for.
We paid for. Yes you are. Get out!
Okay, come on, let's talk outside.
We're talking outside.
We're not fucked, goddamn it.
For her manic behavior?
I gave her a $ car.
I'm freezing. Freezing and fucked.
Can we get in the car?
Jesus. I need heat.
Back it out, would you,
so we don't die of carbon monoxide.
not that she's gonna let me live that long.
We're not completely wrong here.
All right, come on. There's a way out of this.
you were right the first time. We're fucked.
-It's that twitchin' eye of yours.
-My eye doesn't twitch anymore.
It's twitchin' right now.
-What're you lookin' for?
-Here we go.
good, that'll help.
-Hey, you don't want?
-Give me that.
Where the fuck is the lighter in this thing?
What are they doing?
Michael is lighting a joint.
They're very animated.
-It's really attractive, the Cadillac.
How can these places be legal?
I don't know. They're on the highway.
They don't serve liquor.
you were distraught when you went in,
maybe you're overreacting?
Brita, you weren't there.
Okay, we've seen male strippers.
you remember Karen's going-away party?
That big bodybuilder shoving
his crutch in front of our faces.
-That was harmless titillation.
-His crutch was covered.
-He wasn't massaging your clitoris.
-They were doing that?
-Their hands were on their penis.
On their pants, on their penis.
See, that's their out.
"She wasn't touching me,
she was touching my trousers."
-How can this be legal?
-Brita, who writes the laws?
Prostitution requires intercourse.
They didn't have intercourse.
They were just
dry-humping themselves to death.
goddamn that mangy dog.
We've allowed them to narrow
the definition of adultery...
to actual genital copulation.
Anything short of that, entertainment.
I was distraught, Brita,
and this is how he responds to it.
They're still out there.
you know what? We should call the police.
And say what?
-Excuse me, Officer.
I caught my husband
in a legally licensed public establishment...
engaged in retail commerce.
nothing I can do about it.
you don't understand.
They were naked, fundling, and touching.
What a deal.
It's semantics. It's a rigged game.
Did you hear about Jamie and Nick?
Out of the blue.
-On the heels of a lovely weekend.
-Ruined it for her.
But he feels better
because he unburdened himself.
now she has to carry it around.
He came to the house yesterday.
He's into his Native American thing again.
good morning, Nick.
I didn't mean to come over so early,
but I needed to talk.
I'm sure you do, but Bruce just left.
I was hoping that I could talk to you.
you know Jamie and l
have been in counseling, and...
we've benefited to a point, but...
-I think this guy's got a thing for Jamie.
-What makes you think that?
He sides with her. Always.
And with everything that's been going on...
I asked if he could see me as an individoal,
and he refused.
When a therapist is seeing a couple...
it could be tricky seeing one of them alone.
He saw her alone.
I don't wanna be judgmental.
If you're uncomfortable,
you two should find someone else.
-I was hoping maybe I could talk to you.
-no, I can't do that. We're friends.
Well, can we talk as friends?
Yeah. I could also help you
find another therapist.
Her lawyer threatened me with an injunction
if I even come near the house.
So the only place
I can talk to her now is in therapy but...
this guy makes it so very hard on me.
-you want me to talk to Jamie?
As a friend, sure.
I just want to end this with kindness,
She's not as innocent as you may think.
So, what happened?
He told me that Jamie's having an affair
with a man in her office.
I don't believe it.
I didn't either, but....
I found this mezuzah in our
It's inscribed with
the date of his bar mitzvah.
He started to cry.
I didn't want you to see me like this.
We're here for you.
you know, you and Bruce are such....
you're both such wonderful people.
Well, whenever you need us....
I want you to know
how much that means to me.
And how much I really, truly...
cherish our friendship.
I wanna be with you both.
Okay, stop. you have to leave.
-I can come back.
-no, you can't.
My god. What were you thinking?
-I couldn't believe it was happening.
-Did you tell Bruce?
no, I didn't want to upset him,
so I dealt with it.
-Was Nick turned on?
Were you interested? On any level?
come on, you were consoling him.
It must've been--
Listen, whatever was nurturing in me
was right out front.
But when he spoke Native American...
it was so sincere, it was hypnotic.
So for a second....
It's not that I was interested.
It was that I allowed it.
But then I realized that I was being
completely manipulated so....
He's done this before, you know.
-Four times, but two times didn't count.
-Right. The oral sex argument.
That was one,
and the other was manual release.
What's between his legs,
a penis or a parking brake?
I'll tell you something.
When it comes to ejaculating,
we're a nation of lawyers.
I bet our guys are out there right now
trying to redefine intercourse...
as anything that excludes a sheath.
-That's pretty good.
you really look sick.
you know what they're doing?
They're out there strategizing.
When they're convinced of an excuse
that we'll buy, they'll come here to sell it.
It'll be some hemp-induced mea culpa
even god couldn't comprehend.
But, you know,
Michael will be very committed to it.
The more I challenge it,
the more confused he'll get.
And when it occurs to him that
even he can't follow his argument...
he'll go autistic on me
and turn into Rain Man.
It's impossible for me
to stay mad at Rain Man.
Bruce projectile vomits.
One night from the headboard
to the hallway, feet. I measured.
-And you clean it up?
-Well, yes. He's sick.
When I feel one of those fights coming on,
I make him take me for a ride.
He'd rather open a vein
than throw up in his car.
How can they defend this, Brita?
Well, mitigating circumstances,
Wait. It's my fault?
Mickey is so attached to you that...
your desertion launched him
into an emotional crisis...
which could only be pacified by intimacy.
But you abandoned him.
So he sought substitution.
He was self-medicating.
Bruce was the victim facilitator.
"What could I do?
told you he was in bad shape.
"l couldn't leave him. He wouldn't stay...."
-I'll be hearing it for weeks.
-Wait a second.
-you're letting him back in the house?
-Maybe not tonight.
Maybe never, is what I'm thinking.
In Mickey's mind,
he gave you a gift, and you rejected it.
I had a thing, okay?
I had an emotional thing.
But I didn't run out
and dry-hump a teenager.
Yes, but he ran out
for the kind of thanks he wanted from you.
They have a poison in them.
It is worse than nicotine.
Half the sex that we have with them
is to get rid of the poison.
-I have to take Michael to the hospital.
Believe what you want.
-Need to lie down.
-no, you need an emergency room.
you're pale. Well, he should see a doctor.
-Just lay down.
-Try the Hyatt.
-He's shaking like a leaf.
-Which is it?
-What is wrong with you?
-He's just having an anxiety attack.
-Or a stroke.
-come on. He's ice cold.
-He needs a doctor.
-you need a doctor.
He's having tremors.
I think you should call .
-Okay, I'll call .
For god's sake,
you don't have to call . Okay?
-That a little better?
-This has happened before?
-Yes, once, when we lost the restaurant.
Remember tom and Karen
when they lived in the city?
He was so preoccupied with worry.
you got high then, too.
-you can't do that when you're anxious.
I thought he was having a coronary.
We were young when the restaurant failed.
now it could turn into a stroke.
He's not having a stroke.
-At our age, you got to be sensitive to that.
-What, we're being insensitive?
no, I'm being rhetorical. Can we go, please?
Let Michael rest.
-We're not done talking.
-Let's not do it here.
-But you understand that we're not done?
-Yes, I understand that.
What did you want me to do?
What am I supposed to do?
I told you, he was in bad shape.
I couldn't leave him. He wouldn't stay.
Can we talk about this at home, please?
I saw the lights on. I couldn't sleep.
I smell Jean Naté.
That whore is all over your fucking shirt.
Get your ass up and get out of here.
Oh, have it at the Hyatt.
-I should go.
-no, you stay, they go.
-Shut up. We're being hustled.
-you're being hustled?
you think he can do tremors on cue?
He could be having a heart attack.
-Guilt about what? For what?
He bought her a $ car.
She shit on him. And he should feel guilt?
-nobody shit on you.
-Yeah, well, I'm his friend.
There's an excuse.
None of it would've happened
if she hadn't left.
-All right, Brita.
-What is this?
He's sick and you're celebrating
a psychological evaluation.
goody for you.
Somebody notify the Nobel committee.
I'm gonna be happier at the Hyatt.
-Mick, come on. Let's get out of here.
-Give me a minute.
I come over here and he's in pain,
he's in anguish. Is that right?
Because your daddy drove a De Ville,
he should suffer pain and anguish?
you left him hurting.
-So, he was hurting.
So we sought a little southing diversion.
So shoot us.
I think Dana saw
a lot more than a southing diversion.
It's a dark, impersonal place,
and I don't think Dana knows what she saw.
you had an emotional crisis, right?
Did you share it with your husband?
No. you shared it with her.
And you encouraged her.
Here he is, alone, in the dark...
not knowing anything other than that,
at this critical moment in your life...
you chose to share it with someone else.
So, who's the cheater?
you. you, too. both of you.
you're the cheaters here.
Excuse me. Hello.
would you like a graphic description
of what I saw at Motion?
Just sounds so provocative.
If Shelly hadn't shown up--
We were so close. you have to drive.
-I made myself sick.
I'm really having an anxiety attack.
How sick are you?
you didn't tell me this happened
with the restaurant.
you had enough stress.
Everything turns to shit.
Starts as a promise, turns to shit.
We got the loan for the restaurant.
I splurged. Just a little, to celebrate.
-ls this the right china and crystal?
-Thank you. It's so beautiful. I never--
-I could only afford service for two.
-With champagne, couldn't afford dinner.
I hate to see this happen.
It's so hard, the financial burden.
you two are lucky.
At least you have careers.
you have skills, Shelly.
you could retrain them
into something marketable.
I'm taking a course in institutional cooking.
I mean, it's as good a place as any
to meet guys.
Of course I've had to supplement it
We're not looking for men.
That's 'cause the body's still warm.
But you know what? It gets cold.
But you'll love having the bed to yourself.
no snoring, no midnight wind.
Our sheets used to swell like Gardiner's Bay
in a nor'easter.
I love that they lie flat now.
But you're dating?
Everybody wants to set you up
But you know what?
All they wanna talk about are the wounds.
-lt must be what the VA hospital's like.
But you know what?
you skip the talk, go straight to sex.
you need to, after the drought.
you do things with a new person that you
never dreamed of doing with your husband.
-And it is so vivid.
It's like travel without the need to pack.
I have made love in four different languages.
And the other night,
I had a guy in a bockskin loincluth.
-Are you seeing him?
Then how'd you know--
Because he has a thing
about Native American culture.
Shelly, what about Jamie?
-Well, what? She threw him out.
-It's been a week.
I have needs. Nick offered himself to me
in a way that, I swear to god, no man--
-Wait, I can't hear this. I'm sorry.
-you're judging me.
The wreck isn't even over,
and you're snatching bodies--
I needed to be held.
Is that so horrible?
The guy held me till the sun came up.
But then he came over to my place
and hit on me.
He said he had to go to work.
I think Nick views making love as his work.
puts his nose to the grindstone.
Another satisfied customer.
I didn't say that.
-I know you're thinking it.
-no, I wasn't.
Nick views all women not as individuals,
but more as apparatus.
He is self-absorbed, he is narcissistic.
His trysts are about his needs.
-you don't know what you're talking about.
-I beg your pardon?
He is spectacular.
Who? What? Nick?
-I know what you're feeling.
you wanna be center stage
at your own personal Lilith Fair.
-you wanna stand on a mountain and roar.
-Yes, I'm feeling a little of that.
Well, you come down from that high
to a terrible place.
you're alone, looking at .
you're lying there,
looking at some stranger, thinking...
who is this person?
you pray he's not a psychopath.
And you pray if he is, he'll be swift about it.
Fear's a lousy age for relationships.
When you realize that, you can't go back
to what you might have salvaged...
'cause it's buried under too much damage.
-Pick her up so she doesn't smother.
you know what?
I got to leave.
-This is where he lives?
-Who is it?
-What do you care?
It's me, Bruce, and Mickey.
-Hey, guys. come in.
-you greet us with a gun?
look where I live.
you ever shot a gun?
Why would I fire a gun? how you doing?
-How about a couple of beers?
-Sure. Why not.
I'm looking for something in a regular.
Can you help me?
-The place doesn't have a closet.
-The place is a closet.
-What the fuck are you wearing?
-It's a Native American loincluth.
Oh, my god.
go ahead, laugh.
do you know that I get laid daily?
Really? Where is that, the Y?
Any place that I want.
so, what's up, wives out of town?
Wives threw us out of house.
Dana followed us to Motion.
Hey, it's a legal place.
you know, this will blow over,
and you'll go home...
and you will have
the best sex you ever had in your life.
There's nothing better for sex
than a near miss.
-We're a little past that.
-you try pre-stroke hypertension?
-you should've tried the hypertension.
Hand into a claw, clutch the chest.
Ratchets it right up to angina.
They think you're dying,
and forget everything else.
Might cost you a day or two in the hospital.
How is it you're getting laid daily?
There a charity for this now?
you should hope so.
-What's up with you and Jamie?
-What I have to look forward to.
-no, ours was a long time coming.
But you guys are solid.
-you just hit a little bump, that's all.
-Hit a wall.
Dana walks into Motion,
finds this guy with a mouthful of tittie.
She saw that?
-Oh, you're in deep shit.
-I am so fucked.
total rim job, man!
Edge of the cliff, loose dirt.
Hey, Nick, you'll have him
writing a suicide note.
-look, you've got $ . million in Alpine.
-$ . million.
A palace! how could you live in this hole?
I don't care about
material things anymore, Bruce.
Let Jamie have them.
I need to sate the spirit...
-and the flesh.
I can't get enough. no matter how much,
I still go to sleep hungry.
-What is all this crap?
-don't mess with those.
-What is it?
-They're menus. Hey, they're mine.
I know it's yours, but--
It never leaves this room.
you can't even talk about it
amongst yourselves outside this room.
-What are you talking--
-Bruce, I'm serious now.
-you remember last year I went to Montana?
-Yeah, the sweat lodge.
I found myself in the woods...
with six Native American men.
Now I went into the sweat with them
like you go into the steam at the gym.
now, I'm looking directly into their eyes...
tumbling someplace so profoundly sad.
I think, "Man, we fucked these people
Arapaho, Pawnee, Cherokee.
These men so close to the earth.
There's no light in the sweat.
Just what seeps through the thatch.
You go blind.
I felt my skin peel away...
and I felt something leave me...
then beckon me.
All their spirits could endure
was one day in the sweat.
I endured two.
I was the last man out.
I was the last man.
It changes my life.
We had trout and huckleberry by the rapids.
Shared a pipe honoring the last man.
That's when they told me I was the one.
I was the last man.
And I had to give as much of myself...
to the earth as I possibly could.
well, over the last ten months...
I've made love to women.
-you said you confessed to four women.
-That was before the sweat.
The women after that is not cheating.
I'm giving myself back to the earth.
so, what do these menus have to do with it?
Files. I keep a file
on every woman that I know.
Parents' names, kids' names, pets,
ailments, anniversaries, favorite music.
women are starved for somebody
to just take a little interest.
you say to a single mom, "By the way,
how was Johnny's school play?"
-She will blow you right on the spot.
-Christ, he's serious.
-Yeah, I've been called.
-How do you find the time?
I give three hours a day to the telephone,
one date a night.
-Who's the date tonight?
- -year-old Staten lsland art therapist.
How about the night before that?
-Get the fuck out--
-She needed me. I don't discriminate.
-Shelly will stalk you.
This is a new address,
and I never give it out.
I got caller lD
in case they happen to get my number.
And I tell them right from the start,
I don't want anything permanent.
-Nicky, you're living above a biker bar!
-That's why the gun.
you've never fired it.
If every woman I slept with was here,
there'd still be seating room.
I don't think that means anything, Bruce.
It's just that I've been called.
Am I right to be concerned?
-He's a sick fuck!
Giving yourself to the earth?
-Then the sex was unprotected?
-Anything else would be cheating.
-On my calling.
you're a sick fuck!
look at the big picture, would you?
With the files and the gun,
you got the Unabomber's decorator...
you got Tuntu's underwear....
you're just nuts.
-you need a luck down facility.
no way! you're not calling the authorities.
-I ain't broken no laws!
-We're not calling anybody.
do you think it's easy? It's exhausting.
-Night after night, over and over, giving--
-I'm out of here.
-Where are you going?
-I just told you my most private secret.
-so I can't leave?
-you might tell someone.
-Who would I tell?
-And what would I say?
"Nick's fucking through the phone book.
I only fundled a lap dancer?"
-There's an excuse there.
-I have no excuse.
-I'm going to go home and beg.
-No. confess to the crime.
Take the beating, but don't go limp.
Give it a few days, let the fight fade.
She will get pangs. Then you go home.
-Couple of days, she'll change the locks.
-no, they were pretty pissed.
-lf we go, it may worsen.
-I don't know.
Let's check into the Hyatt,
order room service...
-drinks, maybe watch porno--
-Just what I want to do.
-no, listen to him.
-I don't know.
-Fuck! All right.
-don't forget, you swore.
-Yes, we swore.
Okay, a couple of days
this whole thing will blow over.
Next week, nobody remembers a thing.
-now be careful out there.
Put some pants on.
not one for this problem.
They got prenatal, infant,
toddler, preteen, teen...
-adulthood, parenting, midlife crisis.
-We did that.
Yeah, then it jumps to shuffleboard.
no book on how to get through
this part of life.
Between midlife crisis and incontinence,
Excuse me, where are all the books
that go here?
you want midlife crisis.
no, I want after midlife crisis,
before vim and vigor.
Oh, the mystery years.
-nothing's published on the mystery years.
-not one book?
Who'll write it?
People who've been through it
are too senile to explain it.
Try alcoholism, Aisle .
-It's not like we don't love them.
-Completely devoted, both of us.
-so this one little thing--
-Why's this guy staring at me?
Is there something wrong?
your wife, she caught you
with another woman?
-you can tell that just from looking at him?
-He says no, but look.
It's all over his face, right, Ma?
There was no other woman.
We went to a lap-dance joint.
-That's even worse.
-Why's it worse?
your wife needs to give the evil eye
to your mistress, but you don't have one.
you have a lap dancer.
That could be any woman. Very bad.
The wife has no place
to send her vengeful thoughts.
She sends them at you.
Even now, they eat at your flesh from inside.
What do I do?
If you're lucky, she'll seduce a stranger.
I would go with pre-stroke hypertension.
Who'd she say is fucked,
both of us or just you?
Maybe a tattoo.
-Tattoo Dana's name.
-It's too desperate.
What if I push the envelope on desperate...
beyond the edge
where there's no point of reference...
Iike tattooing her name on my dick?
What for? She's never going to
look at your dick again.
Hey, that's Nick.
He's got to be doing over .
That fast, this hour?
He is the Unafucker.
Nine, you bastard.
Ten, I hate your guts.
Eleven, you son of a bitch.
What are you doing?
I've never hurt my hip dancing before.
We've never danced like that before.
Our kids do.
no, our version of that.
Yes, Rum Runners.
Can you hold a spot for us?
-your eye's twitching.
-no, it's sand.
do you have to go to Europe?
Well, it's my parents' anniversary.
They really want me to.
-Hey, you could come. My dad could pay.
-Bruce and I want to open the restaurant.
-Yeah, after Europe.
Seeing where my ancestors were trampled
is not high on my list.
-They weren't trampled in Paris.
-Paris is where they were kept in boxcars.
-you are so unromantic.
I have loans to qualify for.
I have to support myself.
-It's only two weeks.
If you could be anywhere in the world...
I mean anywhere, where would it be?
In your mouth.
-I love you.
-I love you.
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
-don't bet if you can't pay, you deadbeat.
you all right?
-Oh, god! Michael!
Michael is in the water!
I owe you, man.
you know, sometimes I wonder
if he'd just stood there like everybody else...
if I would've said yes.
Everybody wonders sometimes
why they got married.
Shelly? Honey, are you okay?
-Oh, my god, Nick!
-Dana, take my hand.
-Take my hand, it will calm you.
-My heart is fluttering. Christ!
-Let your heart find my heart's rhythm.
-Why did you scare me like that, Nick?
-don't talk, you're safe.
don't talk, you're safe.
What just happened
was every nerve ending in your body...
-experienced a great jolt of adrenaline.
Breathe, and enjoy the rush.
-no, say it with me.
Nick, you're going door to door.
-Have you spoken to Shelly?
-Yes, and Brita.
-Mickey is being tortured.
-Did he send you?
no, he did not. But I want to help.
Dana, you're a gift.
men don't distinguish very well.
And we see women one way,
until we open that package.
Mickey's playing with the ribbons.
now you want to play with mine?
And you're wondering
what that would be like.
-Oh, for god's sake!
-do you ever sleep?
-How can I sleep when I know you can't?
-you are shameless.
-Brita, shame kills desire.
-Why on earth would I want to do that?
-I'm sorry, are you wearing a loincloth?
you know, it's none of my business.
I shouldn't laugh.
Laughter is magic,
and I love to see you laugh.
-Okay, so are you?
What do you do, a war dance or something?
-Shelly told you?
-no, just guessing.
-would you show us?
-I don't war dance.
-no, show us the loincloth.
Let's just get it over with.
-Yes, I want to see.
Yes, we do.
-What the fuck is Nick doing here?
-I'm very confused.
-And they're laughing.
-They don't know.
They think he'll lift their spirits.
-We want to see.
-Yeah, come on.
-come on, yeah.
-lt is embarrassing.
I cannot strip unless I have music.
What do you want to hear? Name it.
Well, it's environment, the atmosphere.
Perhaps a spotlight.
no problem. I'll take care of it.
I got it. Hang on.
-What are they doing?
-I don' t know.
-It's your house.
-Hey, I'm out here, too.
you going to dance for us, just a little?
-Sleep tight, Shelly.
-Those are $ Cohibas.
-Yes, same as the cover charge in Motion.
-Okay, what do you want to hear?
-I know what's good to strip with.
-I can't do it.
We are in the mood for a dance.
They get a dance, we get one.
Yeah, a lap dance.
It's a totally different animal.
-There's a cash transaction--
-I'll arrange that.
-But you've got to tip me.
-Well, you've got to earn it, baby.
Take it off!
no, not on the pool table.
I just put new felt on.
you want the loincloth?
you should've let him drown.
-should kick his ass.
-you should. I don't kick ass.
Want to fuck up his car?
This is infantile.
Hey, he came here to screw our wives.
Well, your wife, anyway.
My wife and Shelly were bonuses.
you know what he's thinking, don't you?
-Just dancing for them.
-Part of your calling?
Just discovered it.
So, Tuntu, who were you planning
to ask about the school play?
-this is innocent.
-I came up here to plead your case.
-good, you're dressed for an arbitration.
Okay, I think I'll--
-you deranged little--
Please, don't. I love him.
-you love him?
-Oh, god, yes.
-you have his new address?
-Open your fucking mouth!
-Why should his mouth be open?
I don't want to stain the carpet.
Open or shut, it'll come out
behind his head. you'll need a new floor.
-Michael, please, you're scaring me.
I took it because I was afraid
you'd shout yourself. now I'm hoping.
Mikey, you know, I can't help myself.
you should have never pulled a gun on me.
It wasn't loaded.
-Nicky, come to my house.
-look, I'm too upset, Shelly.
-I'll make you a drink.
-I'm too upset.
-I'm telling you, I'm too upset.
That's a $ shirt.
-For Christ's sake!
-I'll learn how to sew.
-come on, Nicky.
-Will you stop talking?
you have a new address?
not my car, you bastards!
I'm going to be sick. Listen--
Leave me alone.
-Leave me alone.
No. no, Nicky, take me with you.
-That is your lesson, Nick.
-What fucking lesson?
Friends for years,
you try to screw our wives?
Next guy you do that to,
who isn't your friend, will shout you.
That fucking lesson!
-We even now?
We saw the whole thing.
you were outside watching?
-They set us up.
-We're not that clever.
you terrorized us so you could call it even?
you didn't throw yourself at Nick
to get even?
Okay, I see where this is going.
All right, okay, we're even. Now what?
no one gets even in this deal.
Dana, I profoundly regret that--
-Are you apologizing?
-Are you going to make this our fault?
-It's not our fault. It's my fault.
I don't know why, but it's my fault.
Why should a Cadillac trigger hysteria--
-lt wasn't just the Cadillac.
-The cigars. I smell like your father.
Yes. It was unnerving being hit with that.
-lt wasn't intentional.
-your father wasn't a bad guy.
-I know. I love my father.
But leaning against that car,
cigar in your mouth, you were him.
And I thought, "Oh my god,
he sold his business...
"he's going to sell the house
and drag me to Boca Raton."
-Did I say anything about Boca Raton?
-By the way, there are worse places to be.
-I am not going to Boca Raton.
I'm not asking you to.
-But we could've talked.
Michael, I couldn't,
not with you at that moment.
All I could see or sense was my father.
When I was up in your closet,
packing your bag, I thought I saw...
white loafers with a matching belt.
-your golf shoes scared me to death.
-They're gone. I'll get brown ones.
I couldn't explain what I was feeling.
If I did, you'd personalize it...
it would become your problem.
I just needed to deal with my problem.
Thank god, Brita came and helped me
calm down enough to come home but...
somehow, I ended up in a whorehouse.
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
And then it hits me that if my dad was
alive, he'd probably be in there, too.
I was overwhelmed.
Maybe you were overwhelmed because...
if I'm becoming your father,
you're becoming your mother.
you know I think I just need
to process this. Excuse me.
Dana, talk to me. I'm a little shaky.
I'm going to fix something,
a little something to eat.
I just need to process this. Brita?
Jesus, my mom.
Okay, Brita, three months ago I woke up...
with the jowls of a chipmonk.
I did. A chipmonk.
Osteoporosis rounding my shoulders.
My skin as dry as the Negev--
I know what you mean.
I've been using so much moisturizer...
-I'm beginning to smell like a nursing home.
-This morning I'm looking in the mirror...
and look what's staring back at me,
Who is this person?
This can't be me, but she looks familiar...
-They are brilliant in spite of themselves.
Norton and Kramden in there.
-do you realize what they've pulled off?
-They have displaced our aggression.
-Wait, back up.
you stormed out because the Cadillac
triggered issues with your parents.
We packed their bags after
they were caught at Motion.
But they're still here.
And they've driven us out
to fixate on our mothers.
Brita, how did we get here?
so is this it? Is my marriage over or what?
-would you throw it all away for this?
But we can't just let this slide.
We have to deal with this, right?
What results are we looking for?
I want the truth, right?
And I want to....
I want to know if he loves me.
We had it, we lost it...
we got it back.
-And we're going to lose it again.
-Why do you say that?
-What she saw.
It was dark in there.
you know, the funny lighting.
Every time she passes a perfume counter,
she'll flash on comforting me...
while I was robbing her nose
in the smell of that lap dancer on my shirt.
It's not even my problem.
look what being a good friend has got me.
Motion was your idea.
-Didn't I say no?
That was a very weak no.
-Hey, who drove?
I most've been the mastermind
on this deal 'cause I was the wheelman.
Maybe we're out of the woods.
They're downstairs worried
about being their mothers.
-ls there anything worse for a woman?
-Believing her husband's cheating.
-lt wasn't cheating. It was faux cheating.
-We were just pretending.
-That's all it was.
-you want to make that argument?
Who buys their wife a car
Why take a blind gamble like that?
should have gone with something simple,
-Yeah. women love shoes.
None of this would've happened if you
came home with shoes instead of that car.
It's like, "sorry about the thing
with the lap dancer.
-"How 'bout a pair of espadrilles?"
It's too late for shoes or hip boots.
We're up to our chins in shit.
to clear this up we have to confess to our
simulated indiscretion and beg for mercy.
She saw it. you don't need to confess.
They need it. It's not like confessing
to a cop, it's like confessing to a priest.
Admission of sin is the only way
to absolve yourself of it.
you think confessing will unburden you?
look what unburdening did for him.
Shelly, no. It's late. I have to drive home.
Then stay over.
we have a big problem here, okay?
-you said you loved me.
-I was trying to save your life.
-And I appreciate that, but I told you...
I'm not available for anything permanent.
-I don't hear anyone proposing.
-Yeah, but this is how it starts.
you say, "l love you."
Even though you may not mean it...
you do it to do me a favor.
Then there's the unscheduled sleepover.
Then you're up at dawn making me
nice little eggs with the béarnaise sauce.
Then "Nick, before you go,
could you look at this one thing for me?"
something with the cable or leaky faucet...
something I'll have to get a part for
and come back with.
Then when I come back,
and there's dinner made, a warm bath...
no, that's how it starts.
The only thing that I see myself
preparing for you at dawn is an enema.
look at him.
He is the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wouldn't want to live above a biker bar.
I don't speak Arapaho.
-They want the truth.
I don't want to lose Brita over this.
The thought of moving out...
spending my time profiling
do what, and start dating again?
How does that age? I mean, it's so sad.
Have nobody to share my life with.
This is the most gay I've ever felt in my life.
If you were gay
you wouldn't have this problem.
It's the same shit. Just nicer sweaters.
Michael? You and Bruce want some pasta?
-Love some. Thank you.
-That is a let's-make-up meal.
-This is a good sign.
No. Trust me.
...guy goes to a marriage seminar
and ends up with a divorce.
They seem to work
from the ads in the paper.
There's a "learn to love" seminar
-you're considering a seminar.
-no, we were just talking about it.
-Didn't do too much for Nick and Jamie.
-Yes, it worked wonders.
now she knows
what a self-centered asshole he is.
Yes, and a hell of a stripper.
-What, we're not entitled to entertainment?
-Yes, of course you are.
you are. But Nick?
you don't know who you're dealing with.
I think that Brita knows exactly who Nick is.
-Why don't you tell him?
-Tell me what?
Nick hit on me.
He came to the house five minutes
after you went to work yesterday.
Hit on you?
He came over to tell me
his side of things with Jamie.
And then he cried, and I comforted him.
And he caressed my breast
and put my hand on his crutch.
Will you calm down? I handled it.
you handled it? Hey.
Interesting Freudian choice there.
I dealt with the situation. Calm down.
Jesus Christ. I'm calm. I'm very calm.
I'm going to be calm outside.
you think he's overreacting?
-Oh, my god.
-Hey, come here!
Never touch her again!
-no, but I want him to.
-Never touch my wife.
-do you mind?
-you got it?
got it, man.
What's the big deal? She was dressed.
-What did I say?
-Okay. I got it.
-Can you give us a second, please?
Think about this. come on.
What are you pushing me for?
We're supposed to be friends, right?
-It's not like we haven't talked about it.
-about a threesome, sharing.
-That's all it was. Talk. you schmuck.
you were dying to be with Jamie,
I wouldn't put it past her to be interested...
because right now,
she's banging some guy at work.
come on. One second!
Trust me, I didn't mean to hit on your wife.
It's nothing personal. We're friends, right?
Jamie's starting to sag a little bit.
But your wife has some firm titties.
What is the matter with you?
you don't say that. you can't say that.
What are you, a maniac?
What's wrong with you?
Bruce, she was emitting pheromones.
Practically a mist of it.
you're not even aware of it anymore.
both of you are hypocrites.
After a night out at Motion, grabbing ass,
"look at me, I'm grabbing ass..."
then you come in here, like the morality
police, like you don't whore around...
-when you get a chance.
-not the same thing.
-There are certain lines you don't cross.
-don't play altar boy with me.
-We've shared secrets.
-What, are you threatening me?
no, I would never do that. you're my friend.
I would never let Brita know your secrets.
-But you'd sleep with her.
-Yes. look, that's who I am.
I'm like a caged animal
just pacing back and forth...
between one encounter and the next one.
I wish to god that I could change.
you think I like being like this? It's a curse.
you try to fuck my wife,
and you want my sympathy?
-What is wrong with you?
-Yes, you can't stand the fact...
-that I'm living out your dream.
The reason why you're so crazed is
'cause you saw me with three women and...
you're thinking to yourself,
"What about me? I want some."
you could've had some, if you really
wanted it. But both of you blew it.
you should've come boogying in.
you should've put on a show.
We could've had an orgy. Instead you both
stand there looking like Trent Lott.
I end up with a gun in my face instead of
pussy. I got Shelly hounding me...
badgering me about my bleak future.
-I got to fuck her just to shot her up.
-Didn't look like fucking to me.
What can I tell you? I'm addicted to stimuli.
And now, Bruce, if you don't mind.
-you leave my Nicky alone.
-you can put the hose back now.
-I hit the fuck.
I haven't hit anybody since third grade.
-He needed it.
-Saw Shelly naked.
you know what?
not too bad for a middle-aged alcoholic.
She was standing there.
It was like an invitation.
-It's not fair.
-Which "not fair" are we talking about now?
-We're basically loyal, right?
We won't even see the missionary position
He's having the wildest sex
you can imagine.
The asshole is having an enema.
Says it's stimulating.
-What are you doing?
-Nick's up there.
As irresistible as you find him, I thought
I could come over and learn something.
-you came over here for a lesson?
-I came over, I punched his lights out.
I told you, I dealt with it.
Why do you have to act like an animal?
'Cause I am an animal. Feels good.
-look at this.
-It's all right.
-Oh, my god. Is it bleeding?
so how's your evening going so far? good?
-Why can't you just say you're sorry?
-It's such not a big deal.
Can we be spontaneous?
This has been a rotten night, all around.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Let's go to Atlantic City.
I know we need to talk, we need to clear
the air. We'll just pick up and go.
-Can we do that?
-How many times have you been there?
Can we move forward from that?
Bruce, just answer the question.
Once. One time.
We were there once, before.
Twice altogether, with tonight.
tom took us. Since Karen dumped Tom,
he goes there a lot.
so we thought maybe tom would be there.
-But you went in anyway.
-Yeah, we went in.
Then he was thirsty.
Right, for that Diet Coke
that cost a $ cover charge?
I just don't understand how you guys...
can even find these women attractive.
I mean, they are all so fake.
I mean what, these naked women just
writhe all over your body in these places?
-ls that what happens?
I'm simply saying that it's a male ritual.
This is like tradition.
It's old. It's just something men do.
you have things you do.
women have their traditions.
-you do, whatever, you know.
you go get your nails and
your hair done and you have facials.
-There's no difference.
Where do you think we put our faces?
All I'm trying to say, and, Mickey,
you chime in whenever you like here.
-The point is--
-The point is I have spent...
eight hours tonight trying to
stay calm and see your side of this.
-I appreciate that.
-you don't appreciate it.
When it comes right down to it,
you will not face facts and say:
"l was out of line, and I am sorry."
-I was out of line, and I'm sorry.
-you have to mean it.
you are incapable of apologizing.
What are you saying? I can apologize.
not to get out of the situation.
you have to mean it.
I'm so tired of this. I am not such a bad guy.
I'm a generous provider. I'm a good father.
you know how many men...
and I mean the vast majority here,
they fuck around...
and philander all the time. I don't do that.
you made a commitment to me.
If you want to philander, fuck around
and go to nudie bars, go ahead...
but you can't come home to me.
But I do come home to you.
I'm saying, I'm not like that. I don't do that.
you go to the watering hole
and don't drink?
-I'm missing your metaphor.
-you didn't have sex?
-No. There's no sex.
-Then what's the point?
-would you be happier if I said I had sex?
How much money do you spend
on the naked, writhing women...
-that you didn't want to have sex with?
-I don't throw my money around.
you know me,
I watch my money like a hawk. We both do.
How about you?
I spent $ .
Was it worth it?
-It's the best buy--
Just a second.
It's the best buy on the planet.
-you're killing me here. Are you suicidal?
-That's it. I'm done with this.
This is arrested adolescence.
They are -year-olds.
We are making an opera out of a non-event.
-Why don't you understand that?
-I don't want to.
-I want it to stop.
-We used to come home to it.
How can you say that? I'm always available.
I have never denied you.
What aren't you coming home to anymore,
-Leave it alone.
-Wasn't this part of your life?
-It's irrelevant now.
-Why do we go there?
I'd like to know that. Why?
-We go there--
-you. He's not speaking for me.
-All right, I'm speaking for myself.
-I go there--
-Edge of the cliff, pal.
-Fuck it, Bruce. I'm jumping.
I go there for the dance.
you mean for the gruping
and the humping, I don't get it.
We see what we want to see.
you see the seventh level of hell.
I see the dance.
you see the Bolshoi.
It's a cultural experience. Please, tell me.
It's a trauma center
for emotional deprivation.
I don't see the Bolshoi.
I don't see anything you attribute
to arrested adolescence.
And how dare you blame the emptiness
we need to fill on our teenage libidos.
Our libidos are as arthritic as our bones.
We don't go there to get them stroked.
I'm only speaking for myself now.
I go there because I don't know...
where else to go for an overture of intimacy
that won't cost me a piece of my soul.
It's not the sex. I get that here, right?
How does it go?
"you want sex, fine,
but let's be quick about it.
"I'm going to be late for work,
"I'm meeting Brita at Starbucks."
And if I complain, I get dismissed with:
"Hey, I don't like your attitude.
Twenty years changes a relationship.
"I've got a life."
I've got a life, too.
I don't go there for the -year-olds.
I don't go there for the sex.
goddamn it, Dana.
I go there for the dance.
We all want to be adored, right?
I'm just not sure I remember
how to do that anymore, Michael.
I love you.
It's Rain Man.
I'm truly sorry.
-I should take him home.
-lf you need to talk--
I love you. I love you.
you're gonna need new shoes.
Why do I need new shoes?
'Cause I'm taking you to Paris.
I love you.