Oscar to Cold Mountain: I snub you! I snub you! I...

So, it seems everbody's been asking for my take on the Oscar nominations. And by everybody, I mean my mother ("What, like you could do better than Adrien Brody?") and the guy at work who's under the misguided impression that I can hook him up with Lindsay Lohan's e-mail address. And after his whole "restraining order" thing with Michelle Trachtenberg, that just ain't gonna happen. So without further adieu, here's some unstructured blather 'bout the big 6 categories for this year's Academy Awards.

Best Picture: Yawn. The only one that floats my boat is Lost In Translation. Return Of The King already won Best Picture the day it came out, it's more inevitable than the death of disposable DVDs. As for the others, I just can't muster up anything more than "eh". Horsies and boats and vampires, oh my.

Will Win: Return Of The King. Should win: Lost In Translation. Hosed: In America, American Splendor, Finding Nemo, House Of Sand and Fog.

Best Director: Woo-hoo for Sofia, first American woman to ever get nominated. It's about time. Take THAT, Allison Anders. I'm super-thrilled that the City Of God fella got nominated, even though it'll still be months before I get to see it. But it certainly looks like my cup of tea. And even though the pic got the nom, at least Gary Ross got snubbed for Seabiscuit. He can always try again with Seabiscuit 2: Glue Season.

Will win: Peter Jackson (ROTK). Should Win: Sofia Coppola (LIT). Hosed: Jim Sheridan (In America), Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill, no shot, but still) and even though I'm not a big fan of the flick, Anthony Minghella (Cold Mountain).

Best Actor: I want only for Ben Kingsley. I want only for Ben Kingsley. It was pleasant that Bill Murray got nominated, and I love LIT, but (don't throw a shoe at me) I don't really think it's worthy of a win. And speaking of not worthy...what the heck is up with nominating Johnny Depp?!?! Agreed, it's a fun role. FUN. That's it. He was also a hoot in Once Upon A Time In Mexico, but I don't see everybody worshipping at the shrine o' Depp over that part. And c'mon, if Johnny Depp looked like Johnny Turturro, would this sort of thing happen? Seriously.

Will Win: Bill Murray (LIT). Should win: Ben Kingsley (HOSAF). Hosed: Paddy Considine (In America, are you seeing a trend yet?), Paul Giamatti (American Splendor), Javier Bardem (The Dancer Upstairs).

Best Supporting Actor: What a diverse gang! The talk of Wantanbe has actually made me want to see The Last Samurai, and that's saying something. Hey, between Baldwin and Robbins in this category and Penn in the other one, do you think O'Reilly's head will explode from the supposed "liberal bias"? We can only hope. It's sort of sad for Del Toro, if he hadn't won for Traffic, he'd be a lock to win this year. But then again, it seems certain that he'll be back for another shot when he does the Che Guevara flick for Terrence Malick.

Will Win: Tim Robbins (MR). Should win: Benicio Del Tero (21g) Hosed: Peter Saarsgard (Shattered Glass), Albert Finney (Big Fish), Bobby Cannavale (The Station Agent).

Best Actress: This has gotta be the strongest year for this category in eons. I wouldn't have a problem with any of these gals snagging gold. Well, except Diane Keaton, of course. If that happens, I'll hurl myself off the closest bridge. Hey, is it just me, or does Charlize sort of look like Jon Voight right around the Anaconda days in Monster? Keisha Castle-Hughes might be one of my favorite surprises of all the nominations, she had me all verklempt in that scene where she was holding back the tears. And you know, I could easily make a joke about her hopping on Harvey Weinstein's back, but I'm too nice for such cheap jokes.

Will win: Charlize Theron (Monster). Should win: Charlize Theron (Monster). Hosed: Evan Rachel Wood (13), Jennifer Connelly (HOSAF), Charlotte Rampling (Swimming Pool).

Best Supporing Actress: Another banner year for the ladies, not a bum in the bunch! I think you if line up both categories and compare the women to the men, the women did a better job this year on the whole. And normally they're stretching to even find five per category, putting in throwaways like Michelle Pfeiffer in Love Field or Joan Cusack for In And Out. How happy am I that Patricia Clarkson is finally an Oscar nominee? Though I'm loathe to admit it, I actually did dig Zellweger in Cold Mountain. Am I going to burn in hell? I'm so torn, since I like her in the flick but the phrase "Renee Zellweger, Oscar winner" makes my skin crawl. What to do, what to do...

Will win: Renee Zellweger (CM) Should win: Shohreh Aghdashloo (HOSAF). Hosed: Hope Davis (American Splendor) Scarlett Johannson (LIT), Mario Bello (Cooler), Sarah Bolger (In America).

And there you have it, my longest post in recorded history. And between Lord of The Rings, Johnny Depp, and Bill Murray, I've probably alienated every last one of you. And Now you probably won't invite me to your birthday party. But that's your loss, because I bought you a Play Doh Fun Factory, and I'll just make my own purple spaghetti with it, so there.

posted by drew on 1/29/2004

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Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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