Weekend Movie Haiku

Here's my thoughts on the movies coming out this weekend expressed in haiku form. I used to do movie haiku all the time, so I figured it was time for the whole phoenix from the ashes thing. And I use lower case for everything, because I bust my haiku all ee cummings-style, yo. That sound you hear is e.e. cummings turning over in his grave. Violently.


seymour hoffman shines
as the writer whose voice sounds
just like droopy dog

greatest game ever played

golfing gagfest shows
shia vs. holes, part deux
i'll rent caddyshack

into the blue

jessie alba dons
bikini for two hours
guaranteed 10 mill

prize winner of defiance, ohio

julianne moore plays
50's housewife (gasp!) who pens
annoying jingles


firefly returns
cuz millions of geeks chanted
serenity now

posted by drew on 9/30/2005

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The Constant Meteorologist

Everybody's got a theory about why people aren't going to the movies as much anymore. Well, not to toot my own horn, but all of them are dead wrong. I, dear reader, shall enlighten you as to why people are staying at home and avoiding the movie theater like the plague. Nope, it ain't the freaky sheepboys, the excruciating Jamster, the tired product, the ridiculous prices, or even the children.

Who's to blame, then?

The Weather Man.

Every time I have gone to the movie theater for over a year I have seen the trailer to this godforsaken Nic Cage movie. And I go to the movies a lot. Through no desire of my own I can now recite the entire trailer from memory now; a lovely trick that has gotten me banned from the break room, public transportation, and even my own synagogue no longer welcomes me with open arms because I have a Rain Man-like tendency to spout things like "Why would people throw things at you? You just read the weather."

The last time I went to the movies, by the time this l'homme du weather got winged with the chicken nuggets I went into convulsions and had to be dragged from the theater while loudly pleading with Nic Cage not to forget the tartar sauce this time around. He still forgot.

That's why I don't go to the movies anymore. It's why you go to the movies less, even if you didn't know that was the reason. Sure, you think it's because you can't find a babysitter, or because having to choose between Just Like Heaven and The Skeleton Key ain't no choice at all. But it's The Weather Man trailer. Deep down in your brain, you know that Michael Caine is just waiting for you at the cineplex, dying to wax philosophically that doing the hardest thing and doing the right thing is often the same thing.

On a wholly unrelated note: there's some fine Crash reading over at the Rama.

Related tune: The Passenger by Iggy Pop (after 3 days, it'll go bye-bye)

posted by drew on 9/30/2005

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A truly pitiful excuse for a blog entry! Woo-hoo!

Boy, not only has the muse not inspired me lately, but I think she may have ran off to Mexico and stolen my prize collection of snowballs to boot. But I did update a rama today, it just happens to be of the "script-o" sort instead of the "blog-o" variety. Speaking of rama, did you know I'm the #2 Google hit for word, eclipsed only by Casino Rama, which appears to be an aboriginally owned gaming facility? You know, if I ran an aboriginally owned casino, I'd hire Jenny Agutter to be the hostess. Or if that slot was taken, she could at least be the official nurse.

Anyway, since I'm blog-deficient at the moment, I figured I would just cut and paste what I put on my "What's New?" page today How's that for a complete package of both sloth and whore?

WHAT'S NEW? (9/22/05)
I get lots of e-mails with complaints. Complaints like "Why don't you update more, you lazy bastard?" or "The script for ____ is WRONG, dumbass. I watched the movie 18 times, and he definitely says 'I wuv you', not I love you" or "Hey Drew, why the utter lack of homoerotic biker flicks from the 50's? Do you have something against scripts that feature men with adorable caps adorned in leather?"

Well, not much I can do about the first two gripes. But at long last the quintessential homoerotic biker movie script has turned up, so at least I can do the whole Earl thing and check that one off the list.

Check out The Wild One script over here.

Related tune: Wild World by Cat Stevens (mp3 via darkhouse)

posted by drew on 9/22/2005

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Where The Truth Lies Trailer: Triangles abound!

I just finished watching the new Where The Truth Lies Trailer (Quicktime/boobies) and I officially have to disagree with Spike Lee's recent claim that there's no originality left in Hollywood. Personally, I can't recall a movie in recent history in which a dysfunctional Martin And Lewis-type duo (Colin Firth and Kevin Bacon) share their women (Rachel Blanchard and Alison Lohman), their murders, (possibly) and a dash of man love for good measure.

If this movie were directed by say, Zalman King, I'd have no interest in the flick whatsoever outside of morbid curiosity if I happened to come across it on Cinemax at 3:45 a.m. But this puppy is directed by Atom Egoyan, who is pretty much the master these days of...umm..."untraditional" relationships and death, so I'll be all over this flick. Except of course, that it's rated NC-17 since the prudish MPAA is not such a big fan of Darcy/Cher-lite sandwiches with an extra order of Bacon. And since I live in the sticks, that means I'll be able to Netflick it sometime in the middle of 2006. Boy, if I were king, the first thing I'd do is get rid of the stigma that comes with NC-17 art flicks. And then I'd have Edward Burns held at Guantanamo eternally to spare the world the agony of any more of his films.

It's good to be the king.

Related tune: Bizarre Love Triangle (mp3 via Baruch College)

posted by drew on 9/02/2005

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Drew's Blog-O-Rama:

Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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