Entries would triple if it were a brown bunny.

From Heaneyland, I recently learned that Beck is having a contest where he's giving away the cute l'il bunny from the Lonesome Tears video. All the winner has to do is write the Beckster on why he/she deserves to snag the hare. Well, dammit, I knew right then and there that I must have this bunny! It will give my life meaning. I will love him and pet him and squeeze him and call him George.

So I mosied on down to Beck's site and wrote a letter that's guaranteed to make me a proud bunny owner:

Dear Beck,

I'm chilling out here, drinking some wine, grooving to Madame Butterfly and I figured it would be a good time to beseech you to give me your bunny. You see, my boyfriend Dan has an androgynous daughter named Ellen who really, really loves bunnies. But, you see, Dan hasn't been paying much attention to me of late. Seems he's too busy with his "wife" and "child" to give me some of that wild monkey love in a sink we used to have.

And I just need to steer his attention back towards me, you know? And what better way to get Dan's priorities in order than with a bunny, courtesy of the true love of his life. Me. I'm carrying his baby, I'll have you know. And I'm not really big on the whole "being ignored" thing. So, I'd truly appreciate it if you can send that bunny my way as soon as possible. Toodles!

Alex Forrest

P.S. You wouldn't be able to throw a pot along with my prize, would you? Just curious.

posted by drew on 1/31/2004

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Shouldn't he also thank the director of Dragonheart?

So, according to the IMDB, Dennis Quaid has 'fessed up to sashaying up to Russell Crowe and thanking Crowe for humiliating him. You know, for sleeping with his then-wife, Meg Ryan. I have a sneaking suspicion this public gratitude occurred after Quaid saw In The Cut. Well, kudos to you Dennis, you have shown me the way towards enlightment and forgiveness.

And in this spirit of this enlightment, I would like to thank Jimmy Perretti, who pulled down my shorts in front of everybody in my fourth grade gym class. Because, really, is it ever too early to learn body shame? Sure, I break out in hives whenever I pass near a gym or school now, and now I still can't get naked without taking some major sedatives or acupuncture, but it's a small price to pay for the valuable lesson.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to thank my best friend Richie for teaching me Mickey Rourke's "Diner" method of wooing the ladies in a movie theater. Because that worked out real well, lemme tell ya.

posted by drew on 1/30/2004

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Oscar to Cold Mountain: I snub you! I snub you! I...

So, it seems everbody's been asking for my take on the Oscar nominations. And by everybody, I mean my mother ("What, like you could do better than Adrien Brody?") and the guy at work who's under the misguided impression that I can hook him up with Lindsay Lohan's e-mail address. And after his whole "restraining order" thing with Michelle Trachtenberg, that just ain't gonna happen. So without further adieu, here's some unstructured blather 'bout the big 6 categories for this year's Academy Awards.

Best Picture: Yawn. The only one that floats my boat is Lost In Translation. Return Of The King already won Best Picture the day it came out, it's more inevitable than the death of disposable DVDs. As for the others, I just can't muster up anything more than "eh". Horsies and boats and vampires, oh my.

Will Win: Return Of The King. Should win: Lost In Translation. Hosed: In America, American Splendor, Finding Nemo, House Of Sand and Fog.

Best Director: Woo-hoo for Sofia, first American woman to ever get nominated. It's about time. Take THAT, Allison Anders. I'm super-thrilled that the City Of God fella got nominated, even though it'll still be months before I get to see it. But it certainly looks like my cup of tea. And even though the pic got the nom, at least Gary Ross got snubbed for Seabiscuit. He can always try again with Seabiscuit 2: Glue Season.

Will win: Peter Jackson (ROTK). Should Win: Sofia Coppola (LIT). Hosed: Jim Sheridan (In America), Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill, no shot, but still) and even though I'm not a big fan of the flick, Anthony Minghella (Cold Mountain).

Best Actor: I want only for Ben Kingsley. I want only for Ben Kingsley. It was pleasant that Bill Murray got nominated, and I love LIT, but (don't throw a shoe at me) I don't really think it's worthy of a win. And speaking of not worthy...what the heck is up with nominating Johnny Depp?!?! Agreed, it's a fun role. FUN. That's it. He was also a hoot in Once Upon A Time In Mexico, but I don't see everybody worshipping at the shrine o' Depp over that part. And c'mon, if Johnny Depp looked like Johnny Turturro, would this sort of thing happen? Seriously.

Will Win: Bill Murray (LIT). Should win: Ben Kingsley (HOSAF). Hosed: Paddy Considine (In America, are you seeing a trend yet?), Paul Giamatti (American Splendor), Javier Bardem (The Dancer Upstairs).

Best Supporting Actor: What a diverse gang! The talk of Wantanbe has actually made me want to see The Last Samurai, and that's saying something. Hey, between Baldwin and Robbins in this category and Penn in the other one, do you think O'Reilly's head will explode from the supposed "liberal bias"? We can only hope. It's sort of sad for Del Toro, if he hadn't won for Traffic, he'd be a lock to win this year. But then again, it seems certain that he'll be back for another shot when he does the Che Guevara flick for Terrence Malick.

Will Win: Tim Robbins (MR). Should win: Benicio Del Tero (21g) Hosed: Peter Saarsgard (Shattered Glass), Albert Finney (Big Fish), Bobby Cannavale (The Station Agent).

Best Actress: This has gotta be the strongest year for this category in eons. I wouldn't have a problem with any of these gals snagging gold. Well, except Diane Keaton, of course. If that happens, I'll hurl myself off the closest bridge. Hey, is it just me, or does Charlize sort of look like Jon Voight right around the Anaconda days in Monster? Keisha Castle-Hughes might be one of my favorite surprises of all the nominations, she had me all verklempt in that scene where she was holding back the tears. And you know, I could easily make a joke about her hopping on Harvey Weinstein's back, but I'm too nice for such cheap jokes.

Will win: Charlize Theron (Monster). Should win: Charlize Theron (Monster). Hosed: Evan Rachel Wood (13), Jennifer Connelly (HOSAF), Charlotte Rampling (Swimming Pool).

Best Supporing Actress: Another banner year for the ladies, not a bum in the bunch! I think you if line up both categories and compare the women to the men, the women did a better job this year on the whole. And normally they're stretching to even find five per category, putting in throwaways like Michelle Pfeiffer in Love Field or Joan Cusack for In And Out. How happy am I that Patricia Clarkson is finally an Oscar nominee? Though I'm loathe to admit it, I actually did dig Zellweger in Cold Mountain. Am I going to burn in hell? I'm so torn, since I like her in the flick but the phrase "Renee Zellweger, Oscar winner" makes my skin crawl. What to do, what to do...

Will win: Renee Zellweger (CM) Should win: Shohreh Aghdashloo (HOSAF). Hosed: Hope Davis (American Splendor) Scarlett Johannson (LIT), Mario Bello (Cooler), Sarah Bolger (In America).

And there you have it, my longest post in recorded history. And between Lord of The Rings, Johnny Depp, and Bill Murray, I've probably alienated every last one of you. And Now you probably won't invite me to your birthday party. But that's your loss, because I bought you a Play Doh Fun Factory, and I'll just make my own purple spaghetti with it, so there.

posted by drew on 1/29/2004

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When there's no more room in hell, the dead shall walk the earth.

And you just know sooner or later, they'll be hitting you up for a ride to work or to borrow your iPod when they go the beach to get some much-needed sun. The dead, they're not exactly known for reading their Ms. Manners, what with their brain-eating and all.

There is a point to all this babble, I assure you. And the point is this: I really dig both the Dawn Of The Dead teaser trailer and the now the full Dawn Of The Dead trailer, too. The teaser lures you in with the dreamy mall montage and the "It's A Wonderful Life" song by Sparklehorse, and the 2nd trailer has that creepy opening with the roller skating kid noshing on Sarah Polley's hubby. I never did trust anybody who could rollerskate backwards.

Primo horror trailers, I tell ya. In fact, if you're so inclined, why not watch the trailer for George Romero's Dawn Of The Dead and compare and contrast? I think four of out five dentists surveyed would agree, the new trailers are a major improvement. Plus, they reduce plaque and fight gingivitis.

And hey, if you dig that "It's A Wonderful Life" song, I found the whole mp3 at Dinette.org, so why not give it a listen? Who else cares about you so much that he actually found the song for you to have and to hold 'til death do you part? That's true love in my book. But no, I still won't drive you to the airport.

posted by drew on 1/19/2004

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Making fun of dead people simply isn't nice.

Especially if they die from plastic surgery, as Olivia Goldmith, author of The First Wives Club, did. The First Wives Club, which pokes fun at plastic surgery, I'll have you know. So I'll show restraint here, I promise. But I have to admit, there were two things hit me immediately upon hearing the news.

(1) Didn't she see Lovely And Amazing? Brenda Blethyn's plight in that film should turn anybody off against plastic surgery, no? Perhaps there should be a law that forces people to watch Lovely And Amazing before attempting any cosmetic surgery. Or maybe do a double dip of Lovely And Amazing and Requiem For A Dream to all 3rd grade kids, we'll have a more natural looking and drug-free next generation, guaranteed.

(2) I'll bet Meg Ryan won't sleep a wink tonight.

posted by drew on 1/17/2004

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Howie, the Ninja Slayer

I saw this rumor a while back, that Howard Dean was in Ninja 3: The Domination back in '84. Seemed like it must be hooey, some sort of kooky urban legend that gained a little steam because there is a Howard Dean listed on the IMDB in both the Ninja flick, and as himself on K Street last year. Gotta be two people with the same name, that's all, I figured. But 'twas a pleasant thought nonetheless, the Democratic nominee whuppin' some ninja butt, chuckin' stars and bustin' out the nunchucks in a schlocky 80's action flick.

Then in Salon today, there's a story about it, with a flat out denial from a spokesman and it pretty much concluded it was not him. Sigh. Way to burst my bubble, guys. But the story also had a clip (here) of this doppleganger, this pseudo-Howard Dean.

I'll be damned if it doesn't sound just like Howard Dean. And he doesn't quite look like him, but at the same time, it doesn't look like it's not him. And this is twenty years ago, need I remind you. The story did the exact opposite of what it was trying to do, instead of convincing me it's not Howard, it's got me thinking maybe, just maybe, it really is him. After all, Howard himself hasn't denied it yet, just a mouthpiece for the campaign did. I'm keeping my options open 'til I hear it from the horse's mouth.

And Howard, I'm really good at keeping secrets. You can tell me if it really is you, and I won't tell a soul. Honest.

posted by drew on 1/08/2004

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Break time was over 15 minutes ago, Mitch.

By way of Adrants, I recently learned that Eatmail compiled a list of the top 10 viral advertising clips of 2003. This piqued my interest, since for years I've had my e-mail box chock full o' lame clips featuring such weak and uninspired "gems" as "Lou Rawls in a blender." Perhaps this list would be of a "higher category of art", as the art teacher in Ghost World might say.


Pretty much run of the mill stuff, from Mastercard spoofs to sex jokes to the Star Wars kid. Yawn. But still, the #2 clip was Terry Tate, Office Linebaker (check it out)which was my favorite Super Bowl commercial of last year, so that cushioned my viewing disappointment.

Why do I love this commercial so? What's not to adore? The concept of a huge linebacker tackling, crushing, and taunting fellow co-workers is pure gold. Add in the fella yelling about cover sheets on TPS reports, all Office Space-style, and you've got a classic for the ages.

Sometimes at work, I'll put on my best Terry Tate voice and say things like "Don't hover at my desk while I'm on the phone, Linda!" or "Forcing me to listen to Celine Dion is not the way to get on my good side, Bill!"

All I get is blank stares, or looks of pity and/or disgust. They don't even marvel that I have actual TPS cover sheets on my desk. My pop culture references are utterly unappreciated. I'm like the office version of Mr. Roper, making jokes for the invisible audience that doesn't really exist. But just like Mr. Roper, at least it makes me chuckle to myself, and that's good enough for me.

posted by drew on 1/07/2004

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This sucks.

According to Page 6, Chloe Sevigny has been dropped from her agency because of her 'heady' role in Vincent Gallo's upcoming Brown Bunny. Since they considered the role as "one step above pornography, and not a very big one", they think her career is tainted and may never recover.

That's ridiculous.

Have you ever seen Chloe's filmography? Her first movie role was an HIV-positive teenager who gets raped whilst sleeping in the uber-scarring Kids. She got nominated for an Oscar for getting it on with Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry. She's degraded herself in bizarro roles in multiple Harmony Korine films. All she does is small, independent stuff, you morons! How can they possibly imply that directors like Steve Buscemi, Mary Harron, and Lars Von Trier aren't going to hire her because she took a controversial role?

If the Olsen twins starred in Bound, that would probably hurt their career, since they've got the whole family values thing going on. But dropping Chloe makes as much sense as if somebody were to tell Harvey Keitel a few years back that he wasn't going to get work if he showed l'il Harv on the big screen. 'Cuz that really hurt his career, no?


posted by drew on 1/01/2004

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Drew's Blog-O-Rama:

Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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