...and starring John Travolta as Mr. Blonde

Sorry 'bout my being splitsville lately, but I've only recently recovered from the hysterical blindness brought on by seeing Vinnie Barbarino as a blonde on the Love Song For Bobby Long poster. Going blonde could possibly be the worst decision John Travolta has made in his entire life, and lest you forget, he starred in such cinematic gems as Urban Cowboy, Look Who's Talking, Phenomenon, and I won't even mention the oh-so-easy target. Plus, he spawned with Kelly Preston. So you understand the magnitude of this follicle faux-pas, I should hope. What could Hollywood possibly be thinking when it decides to make a dark haired fella into a a golden boy? Have they not learned from the last?

So, as a public service to mankind, I've decided to give you the top five non-blonde actors who have dipped their toe in the pool of blondeness with apocalyptic results.

5. Colin Farrell in Alexander. I don't care how big your schlong is, it can't possibly draw attention away from the fact that your coif is ridiculous. The only way you can conquer the world with that 'do is by hoping your enemies laugh themselves to death like the weasels in Roger Rabbit.

4. Kevin Spacey in Hurlyburly. Not be glib but son, you got a canary on your head. The sole justification I can come up with for Kev's hair in this flick is that his character was a gigantic prick whose face you were supposed to want to smash in, and the hair does help achieve that goal.

3. Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element. You'd think these guys with the thinning hair would want to draw less attention to their dilemma, no? Poor guy's locks looked worse than his wife's that year, and that's quite an accomplishment.

2. Tom Cruise in Interview With The Vampire. Cruise should have told the peroxide guy "I want some less." Wait...that doesn't even make sense. Anyhoo, instead of looking vampirish and scary, he just looked like a surfer wannabe goth kid with some serious sexual identity issues.

1. Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man. If actors with hideous blonde dye jobs formed a religion, Wesley Snipes would be their deity. And a wicked god he would be. And by wicked I mean incredibly bad, not that Bostonian Will Hunting "wicked smat" kinda way.

Related tune: Yellow by Coldplay (mp3 via blog.hex.is)

posted by drew on 9/29/2004

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The question that plagued Christian Bale on the set of The Machinist.

"Does this make me look fat?"

posted by drew on 9/09/2004

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A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Copycat.

I'll give the people who made the doppleganger Cursed poster credit where credit is due, however. Christina Ricci's eyebrows are muted on the Cursed poster, whereas on the Scream poster, it appears that Drew Barrymore's eyebrows were inexplicably drawn on with a Wooly Willy.

Related tune: Still The Same by Bob Seger (Real Audio via rockinmama.50megs.com)

posted by drew on 9/07/2004

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A rumor is not a rumor that doesn't die.

You know what's something I could go my whole life without ever hearing again? Besides the Video Professor begging me to try his product, I mean. I don't ever want to see another story about Quentin Tarantino making a Vega Brothers movie, unless it's the first day of shooting....and I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for that to happen.

Seems every single time John Travolta, Michael Madsen, or Quentin Tarantino get interviewed, this movie concept is mentioned and everybody from a diddle-eyed Joe to damned if I know always report it as if it were news. This ain't news, people.

You want to know just how old this fanboy wet dream is? Check out this post from alt.fan.tarantino back in March 2, 1995. I quote:

"I'm not sh*ttin y'all but I read this morning that QT is writing a movie based on the Vega Brothers, Vince And Vic."

My favorite response to the post, same day, March 2, 1995?

"This rumour has been flying around far too long without any
concrete proof that I've seen anywheres."

So this was already old ten years ago! Back when Thora Birch and Christina Ricci were children, and Mel Gibson was making a movie about a misunderstood fella who got tortured and killed, for chrissakes!

I love QT. So yeah, don't get me wrong, I'd see this movie opening night if it ever came to fruition. But until that day let's all make a pact to never, ever mention this project again as long as we live. Enough is enough. Because, in the immortal words of Mr. Orange:

"I'm f*ckin' dyin' here! I'm f*ckin dyin'!"

Related tune: Don't Believe The Hype by Public Enemy (Real Audio via deadbeatclub.com)

posted by drew on 9/06/2004

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Is Lala going to Sing-Sing?

Okay, she's probably not going to Sing-Sing, but Rosario Dawson did get arrested earlier this week and if she's convicted, she's going to jail for a year at Rikers Island. But Rikers Island doesn't have the repetition thing happening, you dig?

Seriously though, the fact that she even got arrested gives me a slight case of the blinding rage. You see, she was filming The Revolution, an updated version of 1969's documentary-style Medium Cool, both of which follow protests at political conventions. So, being that there's, you know, a political convention going on in NYC, the filmmakers got permits to film their pseudo-protesters with the real protesters in the background. Seems a-okay so far, right?

Well it was, 'til The Man showed up and hauled Rosario, another actor, and the director away in cuffs, even after he showed them the permit. What was their heinous crime, you ask? They were "both masked" and "used handkerchiefs with only the arena around the eyes showing." You know, sort of like an extreme version of MTV's Sway.

That's insane.

Regardless of whether you agree with the "thou shalt not have a panty on thy head" law, these guys were making a movie! Make-believe! Has there ever been a case in recorded history where filmmakers with a permit filmed a protest with actors in masks where the masked actors proceded to rob a bank, or kidnap a baby, or download a pirated movie? God knows what would have happened if the police had walked in on the Brown Bunny set.

I like Rosario Dawson, for she is a fine actress and shines in Spike Lee films, especially 25th Hour. But if you're going to arrest Rosario Dawson for anything, it should be crimes against the cinema. From just 2000-2002, she appeared in Down To You, Josie And The Pussycats, Chelsea Walls, Men In Black 2, The Adventures Of Pluto Nash, and two, count 'em two Edward Burns movies. If there were a law against such things, she'd be serving life by now with her future cellmate Monica Potter.

Related tune: I Fought The Law by The Bobby Fuller Four (mp3 via livinblues.com)

posted by drew on 9/01/2004

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Drew's Blog-O-Rama:

Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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