The Rock As Johnny Bravo!?!

Whoa, mama.

In the history of bad ideas, this ranks right up there with New Coke, Crystal Pepsi, that Pepsi tastes like Lemon Pledge, and...umm....other beverages I don't particularly care for. Yeah, I know that he's getting kudos for doing comedy in The Rundown, yadda yadda yadda, but taking on a live-action Johnny Bravo is whole different ballgame. It simply cannot be done.

On the other hand, I don't really see who could play the role. I'm still scarred by the image of Patrick Warburton as The Tick. The whole thing comes down to this: Don't make live action movies out of cartoons.

I think every studio head who is considering greenlighting a project like this should be forced to watch a back to back loop of cinematic dreck like The Flintstones, Scooby Doo, George Of The Jungle, and Rocky And Bullwinkle.

Can I smell what The Rock is cooking? Yes, and it's eerily similar to what I'd imagine a whiff of the bathroom in Trainspotting would smell like.

posted by drew on 10/31/2003

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Achilles: 0, Goldfinger: 1

Have I mentioned that I loathe the Troy teaser poster?

Could it be a tad more bronze, you think?

Brad Pitt just looks wrong when he's the color of my first baby shoes. I do have to confess, I'm not a Gladiator fan, and from outward appearances, I ain't gonna dig Troy either. I don't particularly buy pretty boy Tristan as action hero either. Lest you forgot, he had a stunt double for his lower half because "his legs were just too thin."

Achilles heel, indeed.

posted by drew on 10/29/2003

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Jonze & Sendak=Cinematic Bliss

There's two kinds of good news. The first kind of good news is when I accidently drop a bagel on the kitchen floor, and it miraculously lands without tainting my precious chive cream cheese.

This makes me happy.

Then there's the kind of good news where I read that the director of one my favorite movies (Spike Jonze/Being John Malkovich) will soon be directing one of my most beloved youngun books (Maurice Sendak/Where The Wild Things Are.)

This makes me ecstatic.

Not only that, but it seems Jonze has the cajones to not go the CGI route and is doing this puppy live action! I can't quite figure out how he's going to pull it off, but I have no doubt that he is up to the task. Between Tim Burton taking on Roald Dahl's Chocolate Factory and this Jonze news, it looks we've got a renaissance of children's books on our hands here! Now all we need is to get Michel Gondry to take on The Very Hungry Caterpillar and I can die a happy man.

posted by drew on 10/27/2003

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God-1, Jim Caviezel-0

When I went to bed last night, I was in a theological rut. Does God really exist? I mean, what sort of benevolent deity would allow Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen to be gazillionnaires, and force his pal Drew to sift through the $5.88 rack of DVDs at Walmart? I pleaded "give me a sign tomorrow, o Lord, or I'm gonna consider requesting a brochure from L. Ron Hubbard."

Jim Caviezel was subsequently struck by lightning.

Yup, on the set of Mel Gibson's controversial "The Passion", where Jimbo is playing Jesus, the movie's producer noticed that after the Zeusian bolt hit the lesser JC, "smoke was coming out Caviezel's ears".

Message received, loud and clear.

He's a kinder supreme being than I. If I was the man upstairs, I would've turned his ass to a pillar of salt a couple of years back for Pay It Forward.

posted by drew on 10/24/2003

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I think I'm going to burn in hell.

I didn't want to laugh. I really didn't. I don't even like Justin Timberlake. He annoys me. Honest. And we weren't even watching Saturday Night Live, I was just channel surfing since our DVD player is in the shop. Maybe I was just in some sort of DVD withdrawal induced psychosis, I pray that was the case. But either way, I landed on the Omeletteville bit.

Really dumb sketch. Two ridiculous-looking mascots battling over the breakfast crowd. But Mr. Timberlake was quite the showman mascot, and would dance around belting out these little omelette-related pop ditties, punctuated by the phrase "Bring it on in to Omeletteville!" First time he did it, it had no effect on me whatsoever. I'm quite the cool cat. Ain't no little boy band bastard going to have an effect on me. Second time...I cracked a teeny smile. Hardly noticeable. I just pitied the guy for making a fool out of himself. Then he did it again..."Bring it on in to Omeletteville!"

I exploded in laughter. Not just the regular "ha-ha" kind of laughter. I'm talking tears rolling down my eyes, hard to breath, side-hurts, full-body cracking up hysteria. Over a singing freakin' egg.

I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore. I'm but a shell of a man. Damn you, Justin Timberlake, and your breakfast-related tomfoolery!

posted by drew on 10/21/2003

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Keira, you so crazy!

Boy, have you seen those new pics of Keira Knightly as Guinevere in that King Arthur movie coming out next year? Definitely not what I was expecting; she looks sort of like she'd make a good girlfriend for Keitel in The Piano or perhaps Halle Berry's nemesis in Catwoman.

Still, she seems way more interesting than the old school Guin. So here's to hoping that this'll be the first Antoine Fuqua movie that's worth watching. Not to be overly harsh, but there's really no justification for the existence of Bait, Replacement Killers, or Tears Of The Sun. Okay, maybe Training Day was decent. Maybe. But that movie has caused the phrase "Oscar Nominee" to preceed the name Ethan Hawke, and though it's not really Fuqua's fault, I still can never forgive him.

posted by drew on 10/18/2003

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We'll be stopping for a brief layover in Compton.

Umm...when Northwest Airlines decided to redesign their logo, did anybody happen to notice that the initials "NWA" are already associated with the pioneer gangsta rap group? Is it wise to potentially upset Dr. Dre? And really, could an East Coast rapper ever truly feel at ease on one of these flights?

On a side note, my personal favorite NWA lyric is from Straight Outta Compton and goes "Niggaz start to mumble, they wanna rumble. Mix em and cook em in a pot like gumbo." Considering how excessively violent their lyrics are, it just doesn't sound very threatening for Ice Cube to boast about how he can get all Martha Stewart on a potential adversary.

posted by drew on 10/15/2003

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The lifetime achievement award, don't leave home without it.

Hmmm...the Screen Actors guild announced that the newest recipient for the lifetime achievement awards is the fella most people know from the American Express commercials or the crummy tv show with Michael Douglas. Yup, Karl Malden.

I believe Lisa Simpson put it best when she said "meh."

He's a decent actor. But when SAG president Melissa Gilbert gushes that he's "brought an extraordinarily rich range of iconic characters to the screen and stage", I think that's probably a little overkill. I mean, did anybody really lose sleep at night thinking "You know, it's criminal that an actor as prestigous as Karl Malden has not gotten a lifetime achievement award"?

Gary Sinise is a decent actor too, but I sure as heck don't think he should be getting any lifetime achievement awards in a few decades. Can't you find an actor a tad more deserving, Laura? Don't make me send Nellie Olson your way...

posted by drew on 10/14/2003

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Funkier than Bootsy Collins, cooler than the other side of the pillow!

Have you seen the funky new iPod commercials yet? Big bright colors + groovy Black Eyed Peas song + silhouettes of people boogying down=advertising perfection. Almost made me get up and dance, before I remembered that I have no ability in that department, and would most likely put out an eye. Easily my favorite Apple product commercial since Ellen Feiss got the munchies for a Powerbook.

And the commercial not only worked as eye/ear candy, it actually made me think "Hmmm...How much are those puppies these days?" And I bopped on down to the Apple store to see, with hope in my heart and fear in my belly.

Cheapest one is $299.

Guess Drew's going to be using his beat-up Audiovox for another year.

posted by drew on 10/14/2003

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Holy Shnikes! Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash ain't just a rumor!

Okay, it ain't exactly a go yet either, but Fangoria has confirmed that New Line is seriously considering making a FvJvA movie. I've heard this rumor for a while now, and always pretty much dismissed it as masturbatory fanboy babble, so I have to admit, I'm pretty darn shocked to see that it's more than just conjecture.

So, is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm conflicted, to say the least. Obviously, the thought of Bruce Campbell, my favorite S-Mart employee, reloading his boomstick once again is intriguing. But isn't Ash without Sam Raimi, to quote Oran "Juice" Jones, "like cornflakes without the milk"? I mean, if they made, say, Godzilla Vs. Mothra Vs. Mr. Blonde, without any Tarantino involvement, would it really have any merit? Methinks it would be a bit too whorish for Mr. Campbell, who has good thing going right now with Bubba Ho-Tep. And don't forget, sequels just spawn more sequels, and bigger paychecks, so does he really want to have to have the moral quandry of whether to sign on to Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash Vs. Chucky Vs. V.I. Warshawski? Better not to open pandora's box.

Besides, who in their right mind wouldn't be rooting for Ash in that matchup with Jason and Freddy anyway? Sure, Freddy can kill you in your sleep, and gotcha, Jason's a killing machine and all, but Ash has personality. And to quote the philosopher king Jules, "personality goes a long way."

posted by drew on 10/10/2003

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Every time I'm feelin' sad or blue...

I just remember that I will never, ever see another Dell commercial with Steven in it as long as I live, and that gets me through.

posted by drew on 10/08/2003

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Clive talkin'

So, the rumors are flying high that Brosnan's stepping down, and Clive Owen's going to be the next Bond.

Smart move.

To be honest, I've never been a Pierce Brosnan fan. He reeks of 'cardboard cutout'. I'm sure I'll get some nasty e-mails about saying that, but hey, did anybody honestly dig him before he went Bond? Comes to think of it, did he really impress as Bond? At best, one might be able to argue that he was slightly better than Timothy Dalton or Roger Moore, which is hardly a crowning achievement. Have you ever looked at his filmography? Not impressive. I've always consider him be like that poor sap in "Oh God, You Devil" who was a talentless hack and sold his soul to the devil in order to achieve fame and fortune. Can't you just see Brosnan haggling with the big red guy over the small details?

Brosnan: Okay, so I sign here, and I'll be guaranteed to do at least 3 Bond films. And I'll be rich and famous, and people won't notice that I really am a mediocre actor with the charisma of a torn sock puppet?

Devil: Exactly.

Brosnan: And I'll make other movies besides Bond, like Evelyn and the Tailor Of Panama, and people will flock to see those, too?

Devil: Don't push it, Remington.

Clive, on the other hand, is a cool cucumber. Croupier and the l'il BMW movies have shown that he's got the right mix of suave, quiet intensity, and grace under pressure, with the slightest hint of a smirk when necessary in order to nail Bond perfectly. Oh, and he can act, too. Which is always nice.

Now, if only they stopped hiring hack directors like Martin Campbell, Lee Tamahori, and Roger Spottiswoode to helm these puppies. Open up the checkbooks and sign a Woo, Rodriguez, or a Besson-type immediately, and you've got the potential to make the best Bond movie in decades.

Oh, and lose the embarrassing dialogue. "Your mama?" Eeesh.

posted by drew on 10/07/2003

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Hello, God? Could you please do something about Pat Robertson?

Did you see what Pat Robertson, the maestro of thoughtful, rational statement, recently said about Morgan Freeman?

"He started off playing a chauffeur in 'Driving Miss Daisy,' and then they elevated him to head of the CIA, and then they elevated him to president and in his last role they made him God. I just wonder, isn't Rush Limbaugh right to question the fact, is he that good an actor or not?"

Where does a person begin with such schmuckitude?

Well, let's start with the basics. It seems to be that he's insinuating that Morgan Freeman is the recipient of some sort of cinematic affirmative action, since he's gone from playing a chauffeur to playing God. Because playing a working class guy is the basest thing an actor can do, and playing the president or the big kahuna, that's the highest pinnacle a thespian can achieve.

He's right, too. After all, Richard Belzer and Barry Bostwick have played the president, and Buster Poindexter and Alanis Morrisette have stretched their acting chops doing God on the big screen. And we all know how highly respected those actors are, what with their getting 20 mill per picture and their mantles overflowing with Oscars. Morgan Freeman, you've finally made it big time!

Does Robertson grasp the difference between movies and...I don't know...THE REAL WORLD?

But anyway, Pat, the biggest crime is that you couldn't have picked a worse example of an actor getting due he doesn't deserve than Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman is underrated. How can a person see his performances in Lean On Me, Daisy, Glory, Shawshank, Unforgiven and Seven and wonder if he's "that good an actor or not"? Even in movies that nobody goes to see like Under Suspicion and Levity, he doles out stellar performances.

As an added bonus, he was my hero as a kid as the "Easy Reader" on Electric Company, a role he created on public television which turned countless younguns on to reading. Is he in a lot of crappy movies? Sure. I don't blame him for that. I'm have no doubt that if he had his druthers, he'd play less mililtary/police/suit roles. He has the ability to play a variety of roles, that's for sure. Did you know he won 3 Obies on Broadway and has even played Coriolanus and Petruchio in the Shakespeare department? But the best part about Morgan Freeman is that he's one of the few actors that can make any project he's in better simply by his presence.

Not that good? I can think of few who are better.

posted by drew on 10/07/2003

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Hungry Like The Wolf

Have you seen the most scarring tv commercial in the history of the cathode ray tube yet? If for some reason don't have Quicktime and can't see the ad, allow me to recap for you:

Two guys sitting on a bench, eating subs. Guy #1 condescendingly chides Guy #2 for the crime of not chowing on a toasted sub and asks him "Were you raised by wolves?". Guy #2 thinks for a moment, conjures up a flashback of childhood and confidently replies "Yes...yes I was." Doesn't sound so bad, right? A dorky or snarky response, perhaps, but nothing earth-shattering. So, what's so scarring about a boring sub ad, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

When we see his flashback of childhood, it shows a bunch of l'il baby wolves nursing on the mommy wolf. The camera pans up a bit, and we see Guy #2 as well, laying along with the baby wolves, HUNGRILY SUCKING AWAY ON THE MOTHER WOLF.

I went blind for three days.

It's only after intense drug therapy that I can even speak of the atrocity. What the heck is Quizno's thinking running this on national television? What of all the other unsuspecting souls who are being subjected daily to this intimate man-on-wolf contact? How many basic biology lessons are going to have to be re-learned? How about all the maulings due to drunken fools who are jealous of guy #2, and also want to drink of the sweet nectar of the big bad wolf? How many lives must be ruined before Quizno's realizes the error of their ways?

Okay, maybe I like to get a tad dramatic when I see people nursing on Jack London's pals. To Quizno's credit, they do have a tamer version of the commercial online, which is exactly the same, except instead of the beforementioned heinousness, the guy is laying around with the wolves and getting licked in the face. Much less jarring.

But before I digree further into more trauma-induced babble...what exactly is the intent of the suckling commercial? That those who do not eat Quizno's subs are basically wolf-lickers? A bit aggressive, no? And besides, now whenever I see a toasted sub, I instantly flash back to the bestial act and can't digest solid food for a good 48 hours.

If Dr. Phil had any sense in his fool bald head, he'd just lock up those suckers on his new diet and show this commercial in an endless loop. They'll be looking like Lara Flynn Boyle in no time flat!

posted by drew on 10/05/2003

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Speaking of my old Atari...

I know it's been out for a while, but still, is there any cooler video in recent history than Junior Senior's Move Your Feet? It's such eye-candy with the whole retro Atari 2600 look goin' on...doesn't that image look like it's straight out of Pitfall? But besides striking my nostalgia gland, it's so darn happy and fun that I can't help smiling like a doofus every time I watch it. And I'm usually quite the gloomy gus, so that's saying something. It's not just the video either, I have to admit that the Jamiroquai-esque song is mucho catchy and infectious as well. Which is pretty shameful, considering the heavy Bob Dylan-inspired lyrics consist mostly of repetitions of:

Don't stop, (don't stop) don't stop, the beat
I can't stop, (can't stop) can't stop the beat
I won't stop, (won't stop) won't stop the beat
And go
Move you're feet
And feel united ohohoh

It does feature a sadistic squirrel drinking, running zombies over, giving Chili Oil massages, and eventually resorting to dynamite as a method of mass destruction as well, so I think I'll just tell people that's the only reason I like the video in order to maintain my street cred. Not because of the cute hot dog dancing with the ketchup and mustard.

Never that.

posted by drew on 10/03/2003

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My name is Drew, and I have a problem.

Popup ads. I hate 'em, you hate 'em, blah blah blah. It's really a tired topic with not much new to say, sort of like comedians with airplane food, or Fox News with Clinton bashing (either will do.) I make it a point never to click on them, because I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, knowing I'm contributing to the problem. Same reason why, tempting as is may be, I don't buy Viagra or send money to Nigeria because of an e-mail pitch. Which is why I feel compelled to make a confession, to purge myself of the guilt I've been carrying for quite a while now.

I've clicked on and played every single Orbitz popup game I've ever encountered. I hate myself.

You know the games I'm talking about, where you have to dodge the cab, spike the volleyball, fly the blimp...those games. I don't have obsessive compulsive disorder, I don't have tourette's, autism, any of those sorts of things. But there's something so alluring about those games that whenever I see a new one, I have to try it. They're the Lays of popups, I can't play just one.

The worst part is...they're not even good! They're lame, utterly basic, and about as complex as playing Kaboom on my old Atari. Maybe that's the appeal, it's tapping into the zillions of hours I spent as a youngster in front of simple yet addictive video games. Or maybe it's the sadism factor. If you're flying a blimp, don't you just have to see what happens when you crash it? Or purposely hurl your bellboy into oncoming traffic? Or, in the best game of them all, why would you possibly want to dunk the punk into water when you can hurl baseballs at him instead? And Orbitz knows this, why else would they show all the little bruise marks if they didn't know that human nature demands that we pelt him?

So, kudos to Orbitz for tapping into my primal ooze and getting me hooked on their stupid, stupid games. That are evil. And bad. And probably makes them create more and more popups. Which, in turn, has caused me to give them a free plug.

Did I mention that for all of my online travel booking, I use :)

posted by drew on 10/03/2003

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It's a sad day to be a screener.

A moment of silence, please. The Hollywood Reporter has officially decreed that Oscar screeners are going bye-bye. Why, pray tell? Fear of piracy. After all, the only way for the Jack Sparrows of the cinema to snag and distribute theatrical movies is via those shiny new-fangled Dee Vee Dees that New Line sends Ernest Borgnine every January.

That's why it just took me all of two minutes to find Matchstick Men, Underworld and the yet-to-be released School of Rock on Kazaa.

Not that I plan to watch them, in case Jack Valenti is reading this. Actually, to be honest, I really don't watch pirated movies off of the net. Not because I'm some highly moral person or something, believe me. I'm just too lazy, impatient, and elitist; I 've spent too much money on my tv and sound system to spend the time and energy to procure and view a cheap bootleg. It would be like working two jobs for years and finally buying a Lexus, only to hop on my Schwinn every day to go to work.

So, back to laziness. I'd bet the majority of Academy voters are oozing with laze.
They're not going get up and go see every Oscar-eligible flick. I'm a movie freak, and I still probably wouldn't go see Zus & Zo in a theater. But if I was sent a handy-dandy official screener to watch, the odds of me ever seeing it would go up substantially. That's why screeners exist. Take away the screener, and you know what?

You're essentially killing the Oscar chances of any movie that's not already out on DVD and is considered "small potatoes".

The American Splendors and Lost In Translations of the world need every pair of eyes they can get to have any chance at all in the Oscar department. The big boys almost always wind up squashing the little guys every time anyway; it's downright cruel to give Goliath even more of advantage. Have we learned nothing from the Gladiator debacle? Attica! Attica!

posted by drew on 10/01/2003

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Drew's Blog-O-Rama:

Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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