Dead Horse Beaten To Death: Clerks 2 Is A Comin'

And I assure you, I'm not kidding.

Why, Kevin, why?

You swore that Jay and Silent Bob was your last View Askew flick, that you were all growns up and going to focus on making different, more adult-type fare. And after seeing Jay And Silent Bob, I was pleased with your declaration. Between that flick and Dogma, it would have been a mercy killing. And now you've told AP that you've begun work on The Passion Of The Clerks, which sounds more like a subtitle to Scary Movie 4 than a legit project. Giving a movie a desperate title like that is grounds for public flogging in certain places, y'know.

So what gives? Sure, Jersey Girl was a miserable failure, but so what? You're going to punk out after giving it just one shot? When Orson Welles made flop after flop post-Citizen Kane, you didn't see him making an animated Kane show and a sequel, did you? No, he went the honorable route and kept on truckin' making a wide variety of flicks, followed by doing some embarrassing commercials once he was over the hill. Ahem. You're better than that, you big lug. Chasing Amy was solid and showed that you truly have the potential to break out of your self-imposed dungeon of making movies that appeal mostly to fifteen year olds.

Sadly, you're reminding me of Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. Remember how he was obsessed with his glory days and tried hopelessly to relive them instead of evolving? And how it only lead to misery and electrocution? Learn from the mistakes of Uncle Rico. He got zapped for your sins.

Here's a side note for all Napoleon Dynamite fans out there who are also children of the 80's: I just came to the shocking realization that Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) was Lazlo in Real Genius! Who knew?

Related tune: Too Much, Too Little, Too Late by Johnny Mathis and Deniece Williams (mp3 via

posted by drew on 8/27/2004

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Shaka laka Tru! A Shaka laka Tru!

Ah, you gotta love the big dramatic game of chicken that comes with competing biopics. A few months ago, it was all about those competing Janis flicks and now there's two different Truman Capote pics in the works. The first one to make news was Every Word Is True, directed by Douglas McGrath and starring Toby Jones, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Sandra Bullock. The other one is Capote, directed by Bennett Miller and starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and will supposedly soon cast Samantha Morton and Chris Cooper in supporting roles. So which one should be put on the fast track, and which one should be left in cold blood? Let's compare.

The Directors
A battle between the unimpressive. Douglas McGrath directed Emma, but followed that up with Company Man and Nicholas Nickleby. Yawn. But the only thing Bennett Miller directed was the documentary The Cruise. Meh.

Winner: Whoever wins, we lose.

The Cast
The main fella: Toby Jones Vs. Philip Seymour Hoffman. In the immortal words of Joe in Reservoir Dogs, who the f*ck is Toby? Having your most impressive screen credit be that you were the voice of Dobby the freakin' House Elf in Harry Potter does not a Drew impress. Philip Seymour Hoffman, on the other hand, is a screen deity to me. He's a fearless actor, and one of a rare group of people that bring a smile to my face every time they pop up in a movie. He steals every scene he's in in movies like Almost Famous, Happiness, Boogie Nights, Punch Drunk Love, Hard Eight, Scent Of A Woman, Talented Mr. Ripley, Cold Mountain, The Big Lebowski...I could go on but I'd wind up with carpal-tunnel by the end.

Winner: Hoffman (Capote), hands down.

Gwyneth Paltrow Vs. Samantha Morton. You may be surprised to hear this, but I'm actually a Paltrow fan from way back when she impressed me in Flesh And Bone. And she's Margot Tenenbaum, which goes a long way for me. She's a damn fine actress, really. My big gripe with her was that she won Best Actress for Shakespeare In Love, whereas the trophy rightfully belonged to Cate Blanchett for Elizabeth. Oh, and I'm personally going to put her head in a box if she makes any more comedies or thrillers that aren't directed by Wes Anderson or David Fincher, respectively. She's single-handedly killing the genres with thrillers like Hush and A Perfect Murder and comedies like Shallow Hal and A View From The Top.

Now I like Gwyneth, but I love Samantha Morton. In my book, she's one of the top five actresses working today. She throws herself into every role she's in, and can do more without saying a word than most actors can with a five page dialogue. And she always has incredibly short hair (sometimes none) in almost all of her flicks, so she can't behind a mane like certain overrated actresses. Every aspiring actress should study her roles in films like Jesus' Son, In America, Minority Report, and Sweet And Lowdown to learn from the master.

Winner=Samantha Morton (Capote).

Chris Cooper Vs. Sandra Bullock. If there was any question about my being a Chris Cooper fan, the deal was sealed when he was up against my beloved Christopher Walken for Best Supporting Actor and I wound up rooting for Chris Cooper. That's love. Walken was great in Catch Me, but Cooper in Adaptation was the bee's knees. I was so used to him playing quiet, internal roles (American Beauty, Lone Star), so the kooky extroverted John Laroche role really caught me off guard and kicked him up a notch in my book.

Then you've got Sandra Bullock. I'd almost feel bad for her if her movies weren't still raking in the bucks. Did you have any idea Two Weeks Notice made 90 million? I don't even know anybody's who's seen it...shows how sheltered from the real world I am. Then again, when you think about it, is creating a bubble where I'm protected from people who've seen Two Weeks Notice really such a bad thing? Anyway, she's cinematic pink cotton candy, for the most part her flicks are sickeningly sweet and give me bad gas afterwards.

Winner: Chris Cooper (Capote).

And there you have it. One tie and three wins for Capote, and the big fat nada for Every Word Is True. So if you're stuck on a desert island in a couple of years and have only one of these flicks to choose from, I'd say go with Capote. Or you could go make yourself a friend out of a volleyball, but trust me, they abandon you in your time of need every time.

Related tune: Tryin' To Love Two By William Bell (real audio via

posted by drew on 8/27/2004

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Some words of encouragement and praise for Julia Roberts.

I know, I know. I've said some things in the past about Julia Roberts that could be considered somewhat unkind. Yes, I may have used phrases like "horsey-mouth", "excruciatingly talentless" or "devil incarnate" in the past, especially when she beat Ellen Burstyn for the Oscar a couple of years back. But, as Penelope Cruz so accurately stated in Vanilla Sky, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around," so I'm going to extend an olive branch to Julia Roberts today.

You see, I was taken completely off-guard by the news that Julia is taking an extended break from acting, what with the twins on the way and all.

Bravo, Julia. Bravo.

I'm so pleased that you've decided to take time off to be with your wonderful family; you're obviously a wholesome, dedicated gal who has her priorities in order. I had you all wrong, and I wholeheartedly apologize. In fact, having twin siblings of my own, I can tell you from first-hand experience; they're quite a handful. But every day will fill your heart with joy, and acting won't even come close to giving you the utter happiness that comes with child rearing.

Now, here's some advice. The first 18 years of a child's development is the most crucial, so you probably want to wait to make your big comeback until after they graduate high school. Also, why stop with just these two? I think your twins have a right to have some non-twin siblings to play with, don't you? You don't want them turning out like Jeremy Irons in Dead Ringers, right? In fact, why not just pop one out every year or two? Have you seen Cheaper By The Dozen? They sure seem like the ultimate family to me. You can always make your triumph return to the big screen after the youngest one can vote. So take your time Julia, we'll be there when you're good and ready to return.

P.S. Cate Blanchett, if you happen to be reading this since you yourself just gave birth a couple of months ago...this soliloquy applies only to Julia Roberts. Please disregard it completely and go back to acting as soon as humanly possible.

Related tune: Horse With No Name by America (mp3 via

posted by drew on 8/25/2004

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Could have been a sailor, could have been a cook.

Could have gone to a Nick Drake concert, if I wasn't such a schmuck.

Well, that doesn't even rhyme (unless I'm doing a Groundskeeper Willie accent), and as it turns out, I really couldn't have gone to a Nick Drake concert after all. Here's a breakdown of my roller-coaster ride of emotional ups and downs I just went through:

I snag the new Garden State soundtrack which, by the way, is easily the best soundtrack of the year and I suggest you run out and buy it, pronto. Have I ever led you astray? As J.J. Leigh said in Hudsucker, I'd stake my Pulitzer on it! Not that I have a Pulitzer, or even homework with a gold star on my fridge, but you get my point. So I'm grooving to my brand spanking new CD, and I notice that there's this great song name of One Of These Things First by Nick Drake. The guy sounds really familiar, has this haunting/mellow thing going on like young Leonard Cohen or Elliott Smith but I can't quite place him. So I search him on Amazon, and discover that he's the same fella who sings Fly on The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack, another one my fave CDs from the last few years. Talk about kismet.

So, I'm flying high on the joy of finding a new artist that I adore. Being the uber-inquisitive guy that I am, I decide to research the fella. After all, this sounds like the kind of person that would knock my socks off in a live performance. With Garden State coming out, I figure there's a good shot he's touring this summer. Logical, right? Well, turns out there's one teensy-weensy snag in my plan to go see him live.

He's been dead for thirty years.

Three freakin' decades. The poor guy overdosed back in 1974. As the Dude would say...that's a bummer, man. Is this common knowledge? Am I once again the last to find out? Needless to say, this breaking news sort of kills my concert plans.

Gee, I wonder if that Hendrix guy is going to tour this summer, he sure plays a mean guitar...

Here's some Nick Drake tunes to chew on in the meantime.

One Of These Things First from Garden State (Windows Media sample, couldn't find the mp3...sigh)

Fly from The Royal Tenenbaums (full mp3 via Time Has Told Me)

And the kicker, here's the full limited edition 3 LP set of Nick Drake's Time Has Told Me in mp3 form! So you can, ummm, listen to the whole thing before you buy it.

posted by drew on 8/20/2004

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More twists than an Oliver casting call.

I think that's the worst title for a post I've ever done and I apologize in retrospect. Then again, I don't feel so bad that I would actually go and change it. Apathy, thy name is Drew.

Here's a nifty new little Guardian movie quiz creatively titled "Twist Endings Quiz." You have to be a freakin' genius to do well on this quiz. I should know, for I scored 10 out of 10 on it. Plus, I learned what a sledge is! Could life be any finer?

Okay, to be honest, the quiz is pretty damn easy. But hey, can you think of a better way to both kill a minute or two and boost your ego at the same time?

Besides arm-wrestling small children or using the power of urination to extinguish a campfire, I mean.

Related tune: Peppermint Twist by Joey Dee and The Starlighters(windows media via cdzlimited)

posted by drew on 8/19/2004

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Holy shnikes! Freddy. Vs. Jason Vs. Ash ain't just a rumor!

Those of you who've been around here forever (you could chip in for the beer once in a while, y'know) will notice that I posted the exact same thing almost a year ago. So, being the lazy bastard that I am, below is what I posted back last October. But for those of you who already read it, after that I shall geek out more about it, since I'm a year older and wiser and all that fun stuff.

Old Post
Okay, it ain't exactly a go yet either, but Fangoria has confirmed that New Line is seriously considering making a FvJvA movie. I've heard this rumor for a while now, and always pretty much dismissed it as masturbatory fanboy babble, so I have to admit, I'm pretty darn shocked to see that it's more than just conjecture.

So, is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm conflicted, to say the least. Obviously, the thought of Bruce Campbell, my favorite S-Mart employee, reloading his boomstick once again is intriguing. But isn't Ash without Sam Raimi, to quote Oran "Juice" Jones, "like cornflakes without the milk"? I mean, if they made, say, Godzilla Vs. Mothra Vs. Mr. Blonde, without any Tarantino involvement, would it really have any merit? Methinks it would be a bit too whorish for Mr. Campbell, who has good thing going right now with Bubba Ho-Tep. And don't forget, sequels just spawn more sequels, and bigger paychecks, so does he really want to have to have the moral quandry of whether to sign on to Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash Vs. Chucky Vs. V.I. Warshawski? Better not to open pandora's box.

Besides, who in their right mind wouldn't be rooting for Ash in that matchup with Jason and Freddy anyway? Sure, Freddy can kill you in your sleep, and gotcha, Jason's a killing machine and all, but Ash has personality. And to quote the philosopher king Jules, "personality goes a long way."

New Epilogue
So now the Hollywood Reporter is Hollywood reportin' that once again, New Line is negotiating with Sam Raimi/Bruce Campbell to get this party started once again.

I pray this doesn't occur.

As you can tell, I'm no longer conflicted; this is probably because I've since seen Jason Vs. Freddy, one of the most appallingly bad horror flicks I've seen in recent history. The flick proved once and for all, Freddy and Jason need to be put out to pasture. To be honest, for me, Jason was never interesting to begin with. Give me a bad guy I can root for or somebody I can hate, not just a machete with legs. And Freddy I think of as not unlike Alf...he was an intriguing curiousity at best but got old quick and is now a relic of the 80's who has has no place in 2004.

Now let me give Ash a little sugar. Ash isn't a bad guy, he's a hero! A hero with a badass attitude in three of the best horror-comedies of all time, which ain't chump change. And most importantly, the Evil Dead movies work not only because of Bruce Campbell, but because of Sam Raimi. If you take Sam Raimi out of the equation, you've got Cabin Fever. Which, in case you were wondering, is not a good thing. And let's get real, there's no way in hell Sam Raimi is going to direct this movie. Also, it wouldn't even really be a fair fight considering that Jason and Freddy are pretty much superhuman and can't be killed. Ash is just a regular fella with incredibly bad luck.

And lastly, besides that I don't want my beloved Ash being tainted in a guaranteed to be heinous whorefest, Jason Vs. Freddy Vs. Ash doesn't make sense from a business standpoint. 99% of humanity knows who Jason and Freddy are; I'm sure more of the population could identify a picture of Jason than could identify a picture of Martin Luther King. But however much the Evil Dead series has a cult following, most people don't even know who Ash is. Seriously, go ask somebody you know that's not a horror buff and you're gonna get a blank look. So it would Jason Vs. Freddy Vs...Who The Heck Is That? Army of Darkness's total box office was a mere 11 million, and Jason Vs. Freddy made three times that in just its opening weekend. So if I'm a studio exec, what the heck is Ash bringing to that table? It's like if you had Batman Vs. Superman Vs. The Wonder Twins. Even Gleek wouldn't help put asses in the seats.

So here's to hoping this one never pans out. Maybe it'll be like those movies that are oft-talked about but never actually come to fruition, like Confederacy Of Dunces or On The Road. Except, of course, that those two projects I'd actually want to see.

So they'll probably never happen.

Related tune: It's A Sin by The Pet Shop Boys (mp3 via apsb)

posted by drew on 8/17/2004

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George, I'll bet that song was about you.

I dig George Clooney; he's always seemed like a down-to-earth sort of fella and has chosen to work with people like the Coens, Charlie Kaufman, Sam Rockwell, and Steven Soderbergh the last few years instead of going the sellout route. So it caught me off-guard when I read this story about Georgie-boy sweating the possibility that if he shaves his head for his upcoming flick Syriana, he may go bald.

George, that's crazy talk! It's pure urban legend, like syringes in payphones, kidney thieves, or the rumor that Marisa Tomei's Oscar was actually legit. You want proof? Okay, back in 1971 Robert Duvall and Donald Pleasence, without a shred of vanity, shaved their head for THX-1138. See the pic?

And their hair grew back perfectly fine, silly rabbit.

Related tune: You're So Vain by Carly Simon (mp3 via hello)

posted by drew on 8/16/2004

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I got a letter from the government the other day.

I opened up and read it, and said they were suckas.

Sorry, got possessed by Chuck D for a sec. But lo and behold, it's mailbag day!

Yup, since I'm a benevolent soul and spend countless hours answering various movie questions to me posed via e-mail and Instant Messenger, I figured it would be both wise and generous to impart my wisdom on a larger audience than just the inquiree. And don't worry, I change their names and fix their glaring typos as to protect their anonymity and self-esteem.

Drew! You gotta help me! I saw this commercial at the movies today, and it had all these chicks playing tennis, and then they all turned into Serena Williams. And there was this song playing...I can't remember the words, but it was a girl and I know I love it from some movie. It's killin' me, man!


Aha! I know the commercial from whence you speak. That would a Nike ad, and the groovy tune you're talking about is He Needs Me by Shelley Duvall. I'm thinking you probably know it from P.T. Anderson's Punch-Drunk Love. But it's actually from the 1980 fiasco known as Robert Altman's Popeye. Isn't it bizarre that one of the worst actresses of all time (I was rooting for the bat, not Wendy) in one of the worst movies of all time (single-handedly killed the musical for eons) wound up singing a catchy song that would be used over 20 years later? Check it:

He Needs Me (Real Audio via

He Needs Me Video from Popeye (Windows Media via The Hollis Site)


Where's Freddie Prinze Jr.? I haven't seen him in years, bro! What up with that?

R.L. Cook, Los Angeles

It hasn't been putting the lotion in the basket, so its been getting the hose of late. It better start playing by my rules if it ever wants to see the light of day. If all goes according to plan, it will soon have Jason Biggs to keep it company.

Hey Drew!

I'm tired of all this Brown Bunny bashing. Maybe you guys should wait before you see the movie before going to town on it. You snarky bastards are just playing pile-on Vincent Gallo because he's such an easy target. C'mon, tell me in three words why you think Brown Bunny is such a cinematic crime, jerk.


Chloe Sevigny sucks.


Are you ever going to get tired of using that line?

Cleo, San Quentin.


Dear Mr. Drew,

Can you please post some Brown Bunny pictures? I'm a sad man and I don't have much else. I've thought of nothing else since they took that billboard down. I'm begging you!

R. Howard, Los Angeles.

Sigh. You sick, sick man. But who am I to judge your twisted soul? You want Brown Bunny pics, you've got 'em. Here. Here. Here. Now go get help, my child.

Here endeth the mailbag day. If you've got any questions you want to shoot my way, just drop me a line at or shoot me an IM on that antichrist AOL Messenger (screen name: scriptorama) and maybe, must maybe, I shall answer your question on the bloggerino! Unless I don't know the answer, that is. Then I'll probably just ignore it. And remember, in the immortal words of Jules Winfield, "If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions."

Related tune: Please Mr. Postman by The Marvelettes (mp3 via

posted by drew on 8/14/2004

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Karma, it is a bitch.

So everywhere I surf these days, I see these banners ads and whatnot for the seemingly excruciating movie Without A Paddle, starring the unholy trinity of Seth Green, Matthew Lillard, and Dax Shepard. And some other guy...what's his name...tip of my tongue...oh yeah! Burt Reynolds.

Burt freakin' Reynolds.

Let's flash back to 1997, shall we? Paul Thomas Anderson, a much kinder soul than I, plucked Burt Reynolds from out of his cinematic banishment (a la QT's rescue of John Travolta) and gave him a super-juicy role in Boogie Nights. Was Burt humble? Did he get down on his knees daily and thank P.T. Anderson for this charity? As memory serves, Burt was an incredible pain in the ass on the set during the shoot, then after he saw the flick, he fired his agent because he thought it was godawful. He then proceeded to trash the movie publicly and say how he would never work with a newbie director again. Even after the movie got acclaim, he told Mark Wahlberg "I don't know why but they love this movie." Wahlberg's reply? "Because it's a f***ing great movie."

When you get schooled by Marky Mark Wahlberg, that should immediately clue you that you're on the express train towards winning the gold medal for assitude.

Even after being a complete schmuck, Anderson offered him a role in Magnolia. Reynolds refused. Now, I'm not a big believer in karma or anything, but after publicly showing his ass for months, he didn't win the Oscar and plunged right back into obscurity. As my Uncle Olaf once eloquently put can't polish a turd. Check out his filmography post-Boogie Nights. Have you even heard of 90% of those atrocities? Auf Herz und Nieren? Time of the Wolf? You're officially in Kari Wuhrer and Shannon Whirry territory now, Stick.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, Without A Paddle. Check out the billing on the poster. He's below Seth Green, Matthew Lillard, and Dax. Yup, he can't even get billing above the doofus from Punk'd. If Burt Reynolds had only paid attention to the lesson of Boogie Nights, he would have realized that having a giant c*** can put you on top of the world, but being a giant c*** will assure your eventual Icarus-like plummet into obscurity.

Related tune: Falling by Julee Cruise (mp3 via

posted by drew on 8/13/2004

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How to cast The Da Vinci Code without pissing me off.

Once my wife Jen was finished devouring The Da Vinci Code, she frequently regaled me with disserations on how this movie oughta be cast. And though nobody loves a good Jen rant more than me, it was pretty much wasted because I haven't actually, you know, read the book. So I threw her my blogging hat and told her that she might as well expand from her audience-o-one and preach her sermon to the choir of people who've read the book and/or are interested in the upcoming flick. So, without further adieu, heeeeere's Jen:

Like many, I am lamenting the casting of the movie version of the most beloved, super-hit book of the past year--The Da Vinci Code. The thing is, those of us who love this book, are likely going to whine every step of the way until (and after) this thing hits the big screen, and yet who will be more excited than me when those long-awaited teaser trailers hit theatres? It's a love it/hate it roller coaster ride for me any time a book I love goes to film. But let's face it--this book was born to have a movie version--murder in the Louvre, a handsome scholar turned detective, and chase after suspenseful chase through Paris and London--not to mention its fair share of controversy, which never hurts. The truth is that the cast of this film could be made up of total unknowns, and it would still make money because this is such a widely read--loved and hated--book which has become more of a phenomenon, spawning many knock-offs and "non-fiction" rebuffs and praises alike.

Of course there has been much speculation all over the internet on who should play the characters in the movie which is set to be directed by Ron Howard and released in 2005. After reading Peter Howell's article "Da Vinci Code: Don't Blow It!", I have to admit for the most part I agree with his choices; however, I have a few ideas of my own... So here are my opinions on the "Big 6":

Robert Langdon:

First of all, I'm tired of people bitching about the possibility of Russell Crowe in this part. Don't you people remember that Crowe is a chameleon? I mean did you see The Insider? Think he's too rough to play a scholar? Hello? What about A Beautiful Mind? Putting aside my bad feelings about the man himself (I have had a huge crush on Dennis Quaid since elementary school--yes, I admit I was one of the three fans of the early 80's HBO fave The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia--where have you gone Kristy McNichol? You've got to love a movie based on a Vickie Lawrence song!) Russell Crowe can act, and that's just a fact. So, I would have no problem with him as Langdon. Besides, as has been said by countless others, Harrison Ford is just too damned old! Langdon is 40, not 60! Anyway, other names that are being tossed about that I could live with are George Clooney, Aaron Eckhart, and maybe (just maybe) Hugh Jackman (he's never really had a chance in a true dramatic role, and he sure doesn't do so well as leading man, but hey, I'm willing to give him a chance). As much as I love Edward Norton, he seems kind of wrong physically for the part, but I could never complain about Norton being cast. The worst name being tossed of all is Tom Hanks! Even though I have made my peace with him over winning two Oscars in a row when Pacino only has one. I cannot let this idea stand, man! Hanks is best when director's allow him to be his charming, adorable self as in this summer's The Terminal. Yes he can do things like Cast Away well, but he is just not meant to play a scholar. I just can't get the inherent comedy out of his face, and I keep expecting him to break into "Zippety Do Dah" all Splash style or to spit out his beluga caviar. Hanks by far would be the worst choice of the big names being thrown about.

Sophie Neveu:

I really only have one choice here, and that is Rachel Weisz. I disagree with Howell who says that the actress must be French. I mean, isn't the point of good acting just that? Acting? Weisz could work on her French accent and she'd be absolutely perfect. I can buy her as smart, strong, and no one can deny her beauty--she's totally gorgeous! A few other good choices I think would be the amazing Cate Blanchett--who can do anything--and Kate Winslet who I'm sure can do a great French accent. Those "Kates" I can handle, but not the Kate being talked about for this role--Beckinsale. Though she can be beautiful, has she shown us any great acting ability (think: horrible accent in Van Helsing and just being in the horrid Pearl Harbor). She's not special enough to be Sophie, whose role is crucial to the center of Da Vinci Code.

Captain Bezu Fache:

I have to agree with Internet junkies and Howell alike who say that Jean Reno is the one to cast here. I can think of no one better, and he already has the French accent!

Leigh Teabing:

Connery is being talked about for this role. Can we say "hideosh cashting"? Teabing is supposed to be brilliant, but unassuming. He will have to walk with braces and have a "portly" build. He has to come across as physically frail, and I don't think Connery will do for that. Not to mention the whole "brilliant" thing. Connery may be able to pull of "cunning," but not "brilliant." They'll probably cast him if they can though, and I'll have to live with it--but I don't have to do so without bitching! I agree with the consensus that Jim Broadbent is perfect. I can think of no one better.


Obviously, there will have to be some great makeup artistry done with this character--I mean, how many "hulking" albinos are acting today? Bettany is a good choice. I could see him playing evil. And hey, he's practically an albino anyway. Or how about William Fichtner? He can play creepy, for sure. This time he gets to be the "Albo gator"--cinematic karma! Jackman is too conventionally handsome to play this role. Really it's going to be all in the makeup, especially since Silas is a man of action, not words. It's this role where they could cast a complete unknown and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference. Since Adrien Brody loves to play weird--and he does it so well--he might be a good scenery chewin' choice.

Jacques Sauniere:

This role has not been as talked about as much as the other five, but I feel it is one of the most important to cast well. This character must be played by a big name actor who will do what is essentially an unforgettable cameo. In my opinion, here's where they need to spend some bucks to get a big name. Even as I read, I saw this character as Anthony Hopkins. They may want to use Connery here, where I actually think he works better, but still my heart is with Hopkins on this one. The biggest mistake they could make with Sauniere is to cast a lesser known actor. This one has just got to be BIG.

More than the casting, I'm most afraid that the filmmakers will screw with the whole point of the book--that which makes it better than your run of the mill airport novel--and that is to cheat us out of Dan Brown's exhaustive research and historical detail. It would be very easy to focus only on the suspense part of this story when translating it into film, and that would be a huge mistake. It's going to be a hard screenplay to write--I wouldn't want to decide what to leave out--but they will be doing such a huge disservice to this book if they gloss over the important historical, religious, and gender issues it brings to the table. I mean, hell, that's the whole point!

Related tune: Mary by Tori Amos (mp3 via

posted by drew on 8/12/2004

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I am Jack's nagging sense of hypocrisy.

People either love Fight Club or hate Fight Club, there's really not a lot of middle ground. Actually, what annoys me more than anything is people who like Fight Club, but for all the wrong reasons. Here's a sample of one of way too many conversations I've had about Fight Club with co-workers, people in line, my social worker, yadda yadda.

Random Person: Hey, you're Mr. Movie Guy, what did you think of Fight Club?

Me: It's one of my favorite movies of the 90's! I love the social commentary, black humor, the quotability, and man-o-man, can Fincher shoot a film or what?

Random Person: (Puzzled look for three seconds, followed by): Yeah, man! I love it too! Wasn't it off the freakin' hook? I can't decide whether my favorite scene is when Norton is beating the crap out of that retarded kid from My So-Called Life, or if it's when Brad Pitt got beat down by that bar owner guy. Man, he just POUNDED on him! I haven't seen a such a kick-ass movie since Best Of The Best 3: No Turning Back.

Me: (Slowly backing away) Cool deal. Well, I have to go slit my wri-

Random Person: Oh yeah, and remember Meat Loaf had tits?? He was a guy, and he had huge tits! HAHAHA! TITS!

Every time I have a conversation like that, I die a little.

So anyway, remember how anti-consumerism and anti-commercialism Fight Club was? How selling out was pretty much the worst crime a person could commit? Well, the jury is still out on whether Chuck Palahniuk is or is not his khakis, but I was pretty damn surprised to see a trailer (Windows Media/Quicktime) for a Fight Club video game, coming soon to your Playstation 2 or Xbox.

Now, a video game for Fight Club isn't an inherently bad idea. After all, a designer could have fun with it. I wouldn't mind a game where I had to steal human fat, make bad haiku, navigate through tainted foods, order excessive items made by indigenous peoples of wherever, or splice pornography into movies. Heck, you could have even have some fighting in it, along with the destruction of Starbucks and other assorted glee. The possibilities were endless. So what those masterminds come up with for the Fight Club game?

A bunch of guys beating the crap out of each other.

Boy, there's thinking outside the box for you. I've never seen a video game that had people fighting in it before. It's about as original and creative an idea as putting a gratuitous panty shot in an anime film, for chrissakes!

So, how do I feel about this hideous bastardization of one of my favorite flicks?

I believe Marla Singer summed it up perfectly when she said:

"I haven't been f****d like that since grade school."

Related tune: Where Is My Mind by The Pixies (mp3 via adam's fight club page)

posted by drew on 8/11/2004

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Warning: Shocking Juxtaposition Ahead.

Amber Frey expressing grief

Amber Frey expressing joy

Amber Frey, you just know she's the life of the party.

posted by drew on 8/10/2004

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Reason #9012 that Drew may, in fact, be a dumbass.

So, I'm sitting there watching the Code 46 trailer, that flick that comes out today starring Tim Robbins and Samantha Morton by pornographer director Michael Winterbottom. Oh, I heard that Nine Songs had scenes in it that would make Vincent Gallo blush, so don't be groanin' at my crossout. Who knows, maybe Winterbottom was inspired by Vincent Gallo's Brown Bunny, check out the picture on the front page of Code 46 site. Okay, maybe Tim Robbins is about to practice phrenology on her head. Word of warning: never, ever let somebody tell you to close your eyes so they can do phrenology on your head. Every time I've ever allowed it, it turned out very, very badly. Trust me.

Back to Code 46, towards the end of the trailer Mr. Voiceover Guy said "Academy Award Winner Tim Robbins." And I was perplexed. Tim Robbins has won an Oscar? I racked my brain trying to see if I forgot him winning for Shawshank or Dead Man Walking...I drew a blank. Then I arrogantly thought, all Wile E. Coyote-style, "Aha! I am Joe Smart, I have caught them in a major boo-boo. I am, to say the least, a super genius." I actually picked up the phone to call Jen to brag of my oh-so-important discovery, and in mid-dial, I slowly put the phone down and hung my head in shame.

Mystic River.


I can remember who won Best Supporting Actor in 19-freakin-78 (hint: he wore a bandana and suffered from a major headache towards the end) but when it comes to remembering last year's winner, I turn into the love child of Leonard Shelby and Dory. "Embarrassing," as David Brent might chalk it up.

posted by drew on 8/05/2004

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Wait 'til you meet her sister, Parcheesi.

Normally, news regarding Keira Knightley, the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet (according to everybody else, not moi) doesn't warrant much enthusiasm out of yours truly. She hasn't ever proven she can act a lick, she's incredibly annoying in interviews and have you ever listened to the Pirates Of The Caribbean commentary track she's on? She comes off like Eliza Dolittle on crack. And remember that hooey she tried to pull about not getting her lips fattened, collagen-style? Ha!

Keira Knightley when her lips were mortal

Keira Knightley's lips can now be used as a flotation device

There's only two ways your lips can get that fat overnight, artificial enhancement or breaking up with Nick Carter. Does she think simply saying that she didn't get it done will make us disregard our eyes? Maybe she's trying the old Eddie Murphy Jedi mind trick pulled when Mr. T wanted to kick his ass:

Mr. T: I hear you've been telling these jokes about me!
Eddie Murphy: No you didn't!
Mr. T: Maybe I didn't! I'm gonna go beat up the fool that told me those lies!

Ah, felt good to get that off my chest. Sexy tomboy beanpole, my ass.

Anyway, she's going to star in Domino, which is based on Domino Harvey, kid of Manchurian's Laurence Harvey who decided that being a Ford model was a snooze and became a bounty hunter. But she ain't the draw, the draw is that it's written by Donnie Darko maestro Richard Kelly and directed by Tony Scott. Based on Darko, I'd watch anything Kelly writes and the last time Tony Scott directed an offbeat script written by a director whose debut became a cult phenomenon, he made True Romance. Plus, the script has flashbacks, fast forwards, and characters from Beverly Hills, 90210. Sounds very Charlie Kaufman to me. And considering the career trajectories of the cast members of 90210, bet they'll have no problem snagging the real actors to play their respective parts. Can't you just see Ian Ziering begging the assistant manager at Denny's to let him off work early to shoot a cameo?

Related tune: Domino by Van Morrison (Real Audio via rockinmama)

posted by drew on 8/04/2004

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The #1 reason to oppose cloning.

Case closed.

posted by drew on 8/03/2004

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The bizarro world version of Family Guy has arrived!

Imagine if Ashton Kutcher had gone back in time and dated Anna Chlumksy instead of Demi Moore in The Butterfly Effect, or if Homer had accidentally left a Crystal Pepsi in prehistoric times in that Simpsons toaster-time-travel episode, and the cataclysmic result might be the creation of Seth MacFarlane's American Dad instead of Family Guy. Every character is like a weird offshoot of their counterparts in Family Guy; it's a quite disturbing to witness.

Watch the new six minute pilot (Windows Media) and you'll see what I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.

See what I mean? The dad's more like Joe Swanson, sans wheelchair. The son's almost a dead ringer for Neil/Mort Zuckerman. Instead of a baby that's an evil genius you've got a horny fish with the brain of a German guy. No talking dog, but there's a snippy alien that's sort of the voice/persona of Paul Lynde in Charlotte's Web. Or Paul Lynde in anything, for that matter. You get my drift. It's no Family Guy, but it's actually pretty funny compared to most of the mind-numbing crap out there. Some of my favorite lines:

If my superiors found out you were living here we'd all have our memories erased! Did you see Memento? (Pause) It's not as good the second time.

You see, VH1 was doing one of those I Love the 80's shows marathons...did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf? I don't know, somehow it's hard to take him as seriously.

Francine, I can see your schmutzblichen.

You be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way in some point of look sharp!

And the best part is...the chins are much less testicular in this show! Glory, hallelujah!

Related tune: We Are Family by Sister Sledge (mp3 via case's ladder)

posted by drew on 8/02/2004

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Boondocks & Adult Swim = Marriage Made In Heaven.

Thanks to the absolute schmuckitude of Fox, THR is reporting that the most consistently funny and intelligent comic strip (take that, Family Circus!) is soon going to be an animated show on the hipster Adult Swim lineup on the Cartoon Network. And, for icing on the proverbial cake, there's also plans to make a Boondocks movie as well.

I couldn't be more pleased.

Fox actually had first dibs on the show and turned it down. Because, you know, nothing could possibly top the highly intellectual comedy that Fox already provides with shows like The Simple Life, Banzai, or Bamboozled Method and Red. I can just imagine Fox's execs at the meeting giving insightful suggestions like "Does Huey have to be so angry?" or "Could we have the kids raised by a white family?"

By the way, if you don't already read Aaron McGruder's Boondocks, I really do suggest you give it a look. You can pretty much read it for free if you're a cheap bastard. It's not just some kook-assed fringe lefty (and eek! black!) comic like some critics would have you believe; the comic really has a much broader appeal. Plus, they're always taking on pop culture icons as well, which is the express ticket to my heart. Here's some examples:

Huey in a letter to Queen Latifah

"If you do not cease and desist with embarrassing and stereotypical movie roles, the Council will have no choice but to rename you Whoopi Latifah."

Exchange between Huey and Caesar on bad black movies

Huey: Want a bad black movie update?

Caesar: Lemme guess, more Eddie Griffin news?

Huey: Says he's teaming up with Orlando Jones again, this time they're playing two motorcycle cops.

Caesar: Motorcyle cops? You mean like...

Huey: The movie is called Chocolate C.H.I.P.S.

Caesar: The sad part is, I have no idea if you're joking or not.

Huey: I know. Hey, here's one about a cross-dressing basketball player!

Huey and Caesar on Mario Van Peebles

Huey: First the deplorable Panther, Now he's playing Malcolm X. Is there any black revolutionary figure who's safe from Mario Van Peebles?

Caesar: Hey, maybe he'll try to play Angela Davis next!

Huey: This is not a laughing matter!

And of course, the illustrations are half the joy, so you really need to see both in order to truly give the comic justice.

Quick Fox chronology: Fox dumps Futurama. Futurama gets huge ratings for Cartoon Network. Fox dumps Family Guy. Family Guy gets huge ratings for Cartoon Network. So much show that the show is being revived. Fox dumps Boondocks before it even starts. If this were an SAT question, could you answer which of the following is more likely to occur?

(A) Boondocks incites race riots after first airing on Adult Swim. Chaos ensues. Boondocks pulled after one episode, Fox says "told you so."

(B) Boondocks gets low ratings on Adult Swim, followed by defamation of character lawsuits by Eddie Griffin, Vivica Fox, Queen Latifah, and Bill Cosby. Cartoon Network goes into bankruptcy. Fox says "told you so."

(C) Boondocks gets solid ratings on Adult Swim and DVD's sell through the roof. Fox says "our bad." Cartoon Network asks Fox "any other shows you'd like to throw our way?"

Related tune: Fight The Power by Public Enemy (mp3 via

posted by drew on 8/01/2004

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Drew's Blog-O-Rama:

Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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