This weekend's lineup: cinematic bliss or movie hell?

Pity Mr. Drew: I frequently am accosted by people e-mailing/sucker punching/instant messaging (hipsters that they are) me asking what movies have potential on a particular weekend. And being the considerate fella that I am, I usually respond by going on lengthy diatribes about commercials with spongmonkeys in them. But ever since I sat through an entire episode of I Want A Famous Face on MTV, I've got some karma that needs upping. So perhaps this post will make me straight with the big boy/girl/troika/etc.

Bobby Jones: Stroke Of Genius (trailer).
You already know how I feel from this previous post. Newsbreak: golf is snoresville. Unless Bill Murray cameos chasing down gophers, it ain't gonna hold my interest. There's a huge billboard in my town that shows a picture of Jesus Jim Caviezel declaring that flick features the star of "The World's #1 Movie!" Which is odd, because I don't recall seeing Leonardo DiCaprio nor Kate Winslet mentioning being in this movie. Maybe I'd watch if it was on cable late at night and my Cinemax was out. Maybe.

Envy (trailer).
Ben Stiller is funny. Jack Black is funny. Envy looks...not so funny. Maybe it's oversaturation of Stiller, maybe it's that Jack Black can't "polish a turd" as it were, (see Saving Silverman/Orange County/Shallow Hal if you don't believe me), or maybe it's that Barry Levinson hasn't directed a good movie since 1997's Wag The Dog. The poo jokes don't help much, either. I'll put it in the abyss (i.e. the bottom of my Netflix queue) just because these boys have made good movies in the past, and at least it has Chris Walken.

Godsend (trailer).
Repackaging Pet Sematary into a topical spookfest on the eeevil of cloning does not a Drew impress. Robert De Niro's last 4 movies: The Score, Showtime, City By The Sea, and Analyze That. I think they're breaking the Geneva convention by forcing prisoners in Guantanamo to watch this foursome, with the threat of Godsend as a chaser. Another late night cable choice, if they're showing a rerun of Pimp My Ride.

Laws Of Attraction (trailer).
This project breaks two different cardinal rules of movies of the last decade. Rule #1: Nobody wants to see a Pierce Brosnan movie unless his character's last name is Bond. And after the last few, even that's iffy. Rule #2: Nobody wants to Julianne Moore in a comedy, unless her character's last name is Lebowski. I'll see any Julianne Moore drama under the sun (I even suffered through World Traveler for your sins), but I'm never going to lay eyes on this thing.

Mean Girls (trailer).
It's a really sad week when a Lindsay Lohan flick might be the one to see. Normally, I'd stay far, far away from this sort of thing (I'm pretty sure bopping into work and saying "Hey, did you see the new Lindsay LOHAN movie this weekend??" gets you put on some sort of list-o-deviants.) But this one doesn't look Hostess Twinkie like a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen piece of cinematic arsenic; it was written by Tina Fey and is actually getting good buzz (79% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes at last peek) for this kind of flick. Plus, there's no over-the-top Jamie Lee Curtis moaning about looking like The Crypt Keeper, which is always a plus. If this puppy keeps getting decent reviews, I'll Netflick it.

The Saddest Music In The World (trailer).
Isabella Rosselini starring as a legless beer baroness trying to boost sales by finding the saddest music in the world? That sounds like a Lynch family outing to me; sign me up! And it's getting great reviews, which means, of course, that I'll never get the chance to see it theatrically. It's in all of one theater this weekend. Sigh...indie flicks like this are what I live for; this is why I never leave the house, you know. Oh, and for my money, "One Less Bell To Answer" by the 5th Dimension takes the prize as the most stick-your-head-in-the-oven song of all time.

Since Otar Left (trailer).
Seems like a nice little heartfelt foreign flick, this is the other movie I'd see this week if I didn't live in Bumblef*ck. I can't really tell you much about the movie, since it suffers from foreign movie trailer-itis, which means much more montage than dialogue. But I have a feeling it's going to be way more character based anyway, so plot descriptions like "three generations of women living together in the Georgian capital Tbilisi" aren't really going to help much. It's won some awards too, so if you dig this sort of film and have access to it, run out and see it, pronto. Then I can live vicariously through you.

So there you have it, Saddest Music In The World and Since Otar Left are my sight-unseen recommendations of the week. And maybe Mean Girls if you're in the right demographic, or have somebody in the right demographic you can take along for the ride, as to give the illusion of being benevolent as opposed to lame-assed.

Related tune: One Less Bell To Answer by The 5th Dimension (Real Audio via

posted by drew on 4/30/2004

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He should have also bailed once he heard Renee's singing voice.

So, I've been thinking about how I feel about John C. Reilly quitting Lars Von Trier's Manderlay (story) in protest over a scene where they slaughter a donkey for din-din. And my verdict? Good for him!

I'm not Kim Basinger or anything, I've been known to down my share of bacon cheeseburgers. But it's two thousand and freakin' four now, and I really don't see what the point of killing an animal on-screen is. Unless that animal is Chris O'Donnell. Seriously though, why not just fake it? If their "puppet" didn't cut it, they could have always done it off screen and just inserted Nancy Allen screaming or something. Think of Reservoir Dogs, there's oodles of scenes that were super-effective because a disturbing act was done off-screen; the imagination is always king in the "eesh" department. C'mon, would Trier's oh-so-precious realism really be drained from the flick because of a feigned donkey massacre?

And did you see the weak-assed excuse the spokewoman used about how since the donkey was going to slaughtered anyhow, "this poor donkey lived two more months than it would have otherwise." What kind of flawed logic is that? In the human sense, it would like Scorsese taking a prisoner off death row and letting Bill The Butcher carve him up on screen and then saying "Hey, he would've died anyway, right?"

So hats off to John C. Reilly for taking a stand for what he believes in. I think Jen and I will do a little marathon of State Of Grace, Hard Eight, and Magnolia and eat some donkey birthday cake in his honor this weekend.

Related tune: Why by Annie Lennox (stream via Bearzcave.)

posted by drew on 4/29/2004

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The sweetest cin (-o-matic)

Sigh...there's probably a special spot in hell reserved in my name for the sin of referring to a Jessica Simpson song title.

Anyhoo, I stumbled upon a nifty new site called cin-o-matic, and it seems to be a Metacritic/Rotten Tomatoes rival for the more anal-retentive crowd. And belonging to the more anal-retentive crowd, I say this as a compliment. Takes half a second to sign up, it's free as a bird, and you can figure out what movie to see this weekend (theatrical or video) by sorting past/current/future releases at least twenty different ways. It's pure and untainted, with not a single Girl Next Door Flash ad or any advertising at all, for that matter. I suspect this shall change soon.

So, I wondered to myself, what's the top rated movie by the New York Times that I could mosey on down and see this very day at my local theater? And sadly, the answer is Never Die Alone, starring the excruciating pair of DMX and David Arquette, which got an 8 (they translate everybody's rating to the 1-10 scale) according to the uber hit-or-miss Elvis Mitchell. Elvis, how can I trust you any more? Your taste has left the building.

Even my gripes with the site are pretty minor. As of right now, there's only two major first-run theaters within 10 minutes of me, and cin-o-matic doesn't recognize the existence of one of them. Which is a bummer. Also, the database of current theatrical releases is pretty hefty, but on the DVD side it shows only 5 releases last Tuesday. And a quick glance at Reel shows more than four times that number. Oh, and I wish they had more than 18 different critics to sort by. I mean, Maxim? can only search by movie title, it would be nice to be able to search by actor/director/etc.

Sheesh, my semi-gripes make it seem like I'm bashing the thing now. But I'm really not, it's a brand new site and I'll betcha they're still in tweak-mode. So once they get their ducks in a row (i.e. kneel before Drew's suggestions), it shall earn the rank of the few, the proud, the collection of Drew's bookmarks.

Related tune: Logical by Supertramp (mp3 via Trixie.)

posted by drew on 4/15/2004

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If you plan on buying Kill Bill tomorrow, a word of advice from Uncle Drew.

Don't. Well...I mean, at least don't until I remind you a QT quote from 6 months ago.

"I'm gonna really play fair as far as the DVD's concerned, you know? We'll come up with separate DVDs for Volume 1 and Volume 2 and I'll do special stuff for each of those. Then we'll come up with a real big version with them both together but I won't repeat the special stuff I put on Volume 1 and Volume 2. I'll do something whole other from that. I might even do some other little movie thing just to go on that special double feature version."

He's going the Rings route...that's direct from the horse's mouth in an interview with Empire. And the special features on this one coming up tomorrow are basically squat. So I just want you to make an informed decision; yes, I care about you that much. But at the same time, I ain't your momma. If you want to buy the dvd tomorrow knowing a much better one is coming, I'm not gonna ground you or anything.

But no dessert for a week.

Related tune: Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood by Santa Esmeralda (mp3 via LevNET.)

posted by drew on 4/12/2004

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When I think of Easter, I think ham, and then I think...

Lady, I have a gun!

Which is precisely when a much larger Smith and Wesson COCKS
next to his ear:

This ain't no ham on rye, pal.

HENESSEY holds the gun rock steady in his big fist. Charly
spins on him, eyes flashing:

What the hell are you doing here?

Saving your life. Woulda got here
sooner but I was thinking up that 'ham on rye' line.

Is there a cooler cat than Samuel L. Jackson in the Long Kiss Goodnight? I mean, besides Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction, Sam Jackson in Do The Right Thing, Sam Jackson in Fresh, Sam Jackson in...

Related tune: Mannish Boy by Muddy Waters (mp3 via

posted by drew on 4/11/2004

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You've seen Tiger, now see the Lamb.

Have you seen the new poster for Jim Caviezel's next movie, The Passion of Bobby Jones Bobby Jones, Stroke Of Genius? Gee, I can't possibly understand why they would use the catchphrase "His passion made him a legend. " It made me wonder...were there other lines that they considered before coming up with this one? So, being the Nancy Drew that I am, I managed to dig up the 5 slogans that were rejected by marketing before they settled on this one. These are super-secret, so let's keep this on the down low.

1. If you thought water into wine was impressive, just watch him take 15th in two.
2. You came for the divinity, you'll stay for the golf.
3. Why hath his 9 iron forsaken him?
4. Let he who is without sin get to ride in the golf cart.
5. Don't worry, we didn't allow Jews on golf courses in the 20's.

Poster image via Coming Soon.

Related tune: I'm Alright by Kenny Loggins (Real clip)

posted by drew on 4/10/2004

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The #1 controversial film about a misunderstood Carpenter!

Not that carpenter, silly rabbit. I'm talking about Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story, the super-brilliant yet "illegal" 1987 Todd Haynes movie featuring a cast of Barbie dolls. That kind of casting really saves on catering bills. Remember, this dark satire is pre-internet boom; one could argue that it's the granddaddy of all all those "Exorcist starring bunnies," and "Thriller done with Legos" creations. It must be seen to be believed.

Thanks to Illegal Art, arguably the coolest site on the net, you can actually watch this movie online. I'll still never quite understand how these guys beat the man and manage to provide such priceless yet touchy artifacts (for free, no less) like DJ Danger Mouse's Grey Album, and all of the corporate parodies, but we should all kiss the ground they walk on for doing what they do. I certainly have for a while now.

My sole regret is that I used to be the cool kid on the block because I was the proud owner of a bootleg of this flick; people would flock from miles around to see it. Also, my folks had a swimming pool. But people liked me for my personality, my mom frequently assured me of this. Now I am poolless, and any schlub off the street can watch Superstar online; nobody's come knocking on my door for eons.

Methinks it's time to put a moonwalk in my backyard.

Related tune: Close To You by the Carpenters (mp3 via Filebox.)

posted by drew on 4/09/2004

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The Ring 2: Here today, gone Samara.

Samara needs a new 'doWow, that's a painful title. But my other choice was "Samara To Ring 2 Producers: Everyone Will Suffer."

Maybe I should leave some posts untitled.

According to Filmforce, Daveigh Chase, everybody's favorite member of Sparkle Motion, has officially declared that she ain't doing the Ring 2 sequel because "because she didn't feel her involvement was essential - her appearances in the script are few and brief, and her face isn't even shown."

Translation: They probably tried to lowball her pay into a Love-A-Lot Care Bear and a case of Chewy Spree. First Gore Verbinski jumps ship to the Pirates Of The Caribbean sequel, replacement Noam Murro bails, and now Samara's gone; poor Naomi Watts is left holding the proverbial bag. And like a bag whose contents are a neglected egg-salad sandwich out in room temperature for too long, the bag is starting to stink up the joint.

Betcha Naomi never signs on to a sequel again until the other major players are signed on as well. So I'm confident there's zero chance of a King Kong 2: Resurrection starring Naomi Watts, but directed by Antoine Fuqua and co-starring Joseph Fiennes and Jet Li.

Related tune: Don't Fear The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult (Windows Media via Trixie.)

posted by drew on 4/09/2004

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"Welcome to my sequel," said the Spider(man) to the Octopus

Hey Mr. Grabby Hands, stay away from my Claudia!The new Spiderman 2 trailer hath arrived, and man-o-man, does this puppy deliver. I haven't been this excited about a spider since Charlotte wrote "some pig" in her web. Or maybe since Ralph Fiennes started playing with his ball of twine. How 'bout since William Hurt was locked up with Raul Julia? My well of cinematic spider references is now officially bone dry.

Seems that Spidey has hung up his threads in this one, because the whole hero thing has been keeping him awfully celibate. Hence, the noctural emissions web-slinging. Evidently Peter Parker hasn't seen Superman 2, because shockingly enough, a new baddie shows up in the form of Dr. Octopus (Kneel before Ock!) which messes up his plans to give Claudia "some more." To be honest, even though Tobey claimed in the last one that he broke up with Dunst because of he had bigger fish to fry, I secretly suspect it's because he saw this picture. Eek.

Back to Mister Grabby, Alfred Molina was born to play this role; when he threatens to peel the flesh off Dunst's bones, you know he ain't whistlin' Dixie. Nobody gives a movie more oomph than Alfred Molina, as anybody who's seen Boogie Nights or Frida knows. Between Willem in the first one and now Alfred, I really don't think Sam Raimi possibly pick better character actors as villains.

Despite James Franco (Will he ever play a non-whiny character?) grousing his way through revenge, there's still J.K Simmons' rat-a-tat-tat and Sam Raimi's always-slick direction; the whole shebang is as close to a can't miss proposition as you can get. Even the CGI looks much less, well...CGI-y. I just make up new words as the need arises, as you can tell.

My only concern is that little clip where Dylan Baker expresses concern over Peter's grades and his perpetual exhaustion. I pray that Mr. Baker does not offer to have Peter come over for some one-on-one tutoring, complete with tuna sandwiches. That would seriously change the tone of the film, and rob a lot of people of their Happiness. But I'm relatively confident that Spiderman 2 will not go down that road.

So, to paraphrase the legendary Robert Evans, will I be there opening night? You bet your ass I will.

Tune o' the moment: Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield (mp3 via Technoblog.)

posted by drew on 4/09/2004

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The guy behind the guy is now in the cigar shop in the sky.

I'd venture to guess that to 99% of humanity, the name Victor Argo doesn't ring a bell. Heck, he doesn't even have a photo on his IMDB page. But just because you don't know his name, that doesn't mean you don't know Victor Argo, and though his passing will not get much mention in the news, he will be sorely missed.

You know the classic True Romance scene where Walken interrogates Hopper? Who's standing behind him? Victor Argo. The guy who took down Walken in King Of New York? Victor Argo. Hey, who was guy who played the apostle Peter in Last Temptation Of Christ? I suspect you can see where I'm going here. I could literally go on all day pointing out various movies that Argo appeared, and I assure you, at some point you'd say "Ohhhhhh...THAT guy!"

I really loved "that guy," the guy with the mug. He was mostly cast as gruff, but it was never just straight-up gruff. A Moviemaker Magazine article once described him as "looking like he has a chronic case of indigestion," which is a perfect way to describe this character actor. There was usually an underlying sadness to his roles-- his scene holding back tears in the crime against humanity that is Angel Eyes was the film's only saving grace. Either that, or it was tough guy with a side of comedy. A perfect example of this side of Argo was in Ghost Dog when, after being chastized for shooting a cop because the cop was a she, Argo debates that his cohort is a "male chauvinist pig." Good times.

But my favorite Victor Argo movies are the ones he made with his pal Harvey Keitel.
Did you know they made thirteen movies together? That's a pair of hermanos for you. If I had the proverbial gun to my head and had only one movie to recommend to you to encapsulate the Victor Argo experience, it would be Smoke. Argo probably has more lines in this one than any other flick, and watching him gab with his ole pal Harv is truly a joy to watch. Trust me.

Now for your homework, I command thee to go see the top 10 Victor Argo movies, according to the gospel of Drew. There's no chaff in this cream of wheat, that's for sure. If you don't like any of these movies, I will gladly refund your money. And by refund your money, I mean scoff at you and proclaim in a holier-than-thou fashion that perhaps you'd be better off renting a movie like Radio.

I suspect this is why I'd never last working at a video store.

Top 10 Victor Argo Flicks (Alphabetical)

After Hours
Bad Lieutenant
Crimes And Misdemeanors
Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samurai
King Of New York
Last Temptation Of Christ
Mean Streets
Taxi Driver
True Romance

Related tune: Pledging My Love by Johnny Ace (Windows Media via

posted by drew on 4/08/2004

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Jew like-a the movie quotes.

Jew want a great movie quote?

Jew got it. In fact, here's a whole exchange from perhaps the greatest comedy of all time, Annie Hall. C'mon, Jew know it's the best.

I distinctly heard it. He muttered under
his breath, "Jew."

You're crazy!

No, I'm not. We were walking off the
tennis court, and you know, he was there
and me and his wife, and he looked at her
and then they both looked at me, and under
his breath he said, "Jew."

Alvy, you're a total paranoid.

Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on
those kind o' things. You know, I was
having lunch with some guys from NBC, so
I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?"
and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?"
Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not
did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it?
Jew eat?

Lest you think I've watched too much Woody Allen and that I've become a touch obsessed with Pat Buchanan's least favorite word, you might want to click here (link via Radosh). And if you have a free sec and a locale on the net, it would be grand if you would joogle as well. Takes less than 30 seconds, and you will have done your part today to combat anti-semitism. Jew know Jew want to.

Hey, standing on this soapbox, I can see my house from here!

posted by drew on 4/08/2004

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Bill: "I overreacted." Bride: "You OVERREACTED?"

There's nothing like waking up to the news that the full Kill Bill 2 trailer has arrived.

Well, waking up to the news that not only has the full Kill Bill 2 Trailer arrived, but that I don't have to go to work and can sit around all day geeking out with Jen and watching a Quentin Tarantino marathon consisting of Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, Natural Born Killers, True Romance, Pulp Fiction, From Dusk Til Dawn, and Jackie Brown, that would be even better news to wake up to.

But I must remind myself: No work=no funds=no movies=drew's soul dies. Must repeat mantra over and over. Sigh. You ain't gonna hear me singing the Snow White song on the way to work, I assure you. least I'll hear tidbits of QT dialogue in my head during the commute:

Budd: She's coming to kill you. She cut her way through 88 bodyguards.
Bill: No, it wasn't really 88 of 'em. They just call themselves the crazy 88's.
Budd; How come?
Bill: I don't know. I guess they thought it sounded cool.

Nine days and counting, boys and girls...

posted by drew on 4/07/2004

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Thing...motherf***er looks just like The Thing!

Sure, Tim Roth was talking about Lawrence Tierney in Reservoir Dogs when he uttered the above line, but he could have easily been describing Michael Chiklis. And now not only does he resemble the Thing, but according to Latino Review, he's up for the role in the upcoming Fantastic Four movie. Also, Tim Robbins is supposedly up for Dr. Doom as well.

Well, if it's true...that's actually pretty decent news. Yesterday I was down in the dumps after learning that Tim Story, the director of Barbershop, had signed up to direct. Barbershop was a perfectly fine comedy at all, but that was more the writing and the talent involved. Nobody walks out of Barbership saying "I'm keeping my eye on this director, he's going places!" I mean, besides Tim Story's agent. And possibly his mother.

I have no problem whatsoever with Chiklis or Robbins for their respective roles. Chiklis has the right combo of tough guy/pathos to make an affable enough orange fella. And Robbins can do the whole "thinking man's bad guy", so it would be a perfect start to casting. I like that that they're talking to actors, not just big stars or C-list wankers. Which means, of course...they'll probably turn around and cast Michael Clarke Duncan and Matthew Modine instead.

Now, for the casting people reading this (because I'm positive Drew's Blog-O-Rama has gotta be their start page every morning), here's the best way to round out the remaining casting decisions:

Reed Richards (a.k.a. Mr. Fantastic): Guy Pearce.
Susan 'Sue' Storm (a.k.a. Invisible Girl): Naomi Watts.
Johnny Storm (a.k.a. Human Torch): Heath Ledger.

I'll expect my finder's fee check in the mail, guys.

posted by drew on 4/06/2004

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"This is my fave Shakespeare!"-Mel Gibson on Merchant Of Venice.

Okay, I just made that up. But still, after seeing the new Merchant Of Venice trailer, I've come to the conclusion that it ain't the best time to be a cinematic Jew. Between being accused of killing the messiah, and watching Al Pacino's Shylock lisp (If you PWICK us...) his demands for that whole "pound of flesh" thing, my people are in desperate need of some good P.R. on the big screen.

Not that I'm shedding any new light here, but it goes without saying that caricatures like Shylock perpetuate negative stereotypes of Jews. Shylock makes Bernie Bernbaum seem like Elie Wiesel, for crying out loud! I long for the days of the early 90's, when admirable characters like Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List saved scores of lives but placing his own butt on the line. I'm not saying movies like Merchant Of Venice and Passion Of The Christ shouldn't ever be made, but how 'bout a tad less blood-lusting lord-killers and money-lusting loan sharks and a hair more well-rounded and/or respectable characters? A wonderful Passover gift, it would be.

posted by drew on 4/05/2004

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The mouthbreathers just Agnes of Godded all over Wonderfalls!

Goodbye my baby, goodbye my honey...Translation: Fox just cancelled Wonderfalls.

You know, I actually watched all four episodes of this show, and I found it pretty damn well written for network televison. Jaye's personality was sort of reminiscent of Ghost World's Enid, if Enid had gone to college and then took a retail job, instead of taking the bus o' death (or hope, depending on how you read that flick.)

Can't you just hear Enid belting out a line like "Yes, but maybe she's just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can't all have hearts of gold and good work ethics." & "Yeah, missionary man. Where do you get off browbeating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes!" Whore jokes are always the most direct way to Drew's heart.

But alas, there shall be ho jokes no mo'. I won't even go into some diatribe about how quality television is never given a shot anymore, Seinfeld wouldn't make it these days, poor Sports Night, blah blah blah. It's all been said. I shan't cry over spilled milk, although I've spent my lifetime perfecting the craft of whining over it. If there's one silver lining to this whole mess, it's that they shot thirteen episodes, so hopefully it'll show up on DVD or Trio one day.

Or I'm cracking skulls!

posted by drew on 4/04/2004

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Looks like it's going to be Pink and Bobby McGee

Bet Renee's thinking 'you make me sick'I have to admit, when I think Janis Joplin, Pink isn't exactly the first person I would think of casting. But then again, I sure as heck don't think of Renee freakin' Zellweger either; especially after having seen her "sing" in Empire Records. But it's official, according to Empire, Pink has signed on to play Janis in a project that's already on the fast track to start shooting this summer.

The scary thing, I think it might not be a half-bad idea. I mean, who knew Courtney Love could actually act (and well!) before The People Vs. Larry Flynt? Sure, one could make the argument that playing an irresponsible promiscuous druggie wasn't so much of a stretch for her, especially lately. Regardless, she had the chops. And besides, Pink's going to be playing a singer, so I wouldn't call this project a stretch either. Even though I don't consider myself a fan, she does have the lungs and the whole R&B vibe going on. I shall take a rare step back from snarkitude and not criticize this casting decision.

Of course the director, Penelope Spheeris, hasn't ever made a movie that I could call "watchable". So there is that tiny detail. So, will there really be two "Pearl" movies, one with Pink and one with Zellweger? Nah. Remember a couple of years back when the big news was that there were going to be two Frida movies, one starring Jennifer Lopez and the other starring Salma Hayek? We all know that one went down. So I'll go on the record as predicting not only that there shall be only one Joplin flick in the near future, but that Zellweger will be the one to back down in this cinematic game of chicken.

While I'm prognosticating, I'll also predict that Renee Zellweger will continue to pose in that "I'm peeking at my butt" fashion at least 1,000 more times in her lifetime.

posted by drew on 4/03/2004

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Lord Of The Rings for the ADHD crowd.

That's what I'm Tolkien about!For those of you with short attention spans, I present to you: The Lord Of The Rings, the slightly condensed version of the trilogy. And by slightly condensed, I mean majorly condensed...we're talkin' less than three minutes. So, if you're one of the unenlightened souls who has not yet partaken in the whole Rings thing, you can get the lowdown in less than time than it takes to heat a Steak Fajita Hot Pocket.

Plus, it's really cute. (Link via Spinneyhead)

posted by drew on 4/03/2004

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"I despise you, Mr. Trier!"-Bjork

There's definitely definitely definitely some logic in this human.Usually it's a sure sign to up my meds when I find myself thinking on the same wavelength as Bjork, but I'm gonna stick out my neck and say that I actually agree with her on this one. The latest Newsweek has an interview with Lars The Impaler, where he lamented that "Every morning, she said 'I despise you, Mr. Trier', and spit on the ground."

Call it an eery coincidence, but I happen to do the same exact thing whenever I see Breaking The Waves or Dancer In The Dark at the local video store. They're not so fond of my desecrating their floors, but hey, I'm not so fond of Lars von Trier, so we're even-steven in my book.

It's the whole Dogme 95 thing; I find it pretentious, cumbersome, and well...uninteresting. In case you don't know the ins and outs of Dogme, here's a quick primer. Back in 1995, when Keyser Soze ruled the world with a mighty fist, Lars Von Trier and Thomas Vinterberg got together and decided to "rescue" cinema with a new manifesto and a 10 point vow of chastity:

1) Shooting must be done on location
2) The sound must never be done apart from the images
3) The camera must be hand-held
4) The film must be in color
5) Optical work and filters are forbidden
6) The film must not contain superficial action (murders, weapons must not occur)
7) The film must take place in the here and now
8) Genre movies are not acceptable
9) Film format must be Academy 35mm
10) The director must not be credited

Hey guys, how about a new set of guidelines where everybody has to be standing on one leg while speaking only in aramaic in front of a white curtain, and the characters can never look at one another? Rules, schmules. Yeah, yeah, Trier isn't strictly adhering to the rules anymore, but his whole style still reeks of the thing. Good movies are good movies, there's no need for vows of chastity in order to achieve 'em. Hell, I think I had to sign a vow of chastity in junior high, and I haven't made a single good movie since. In retrospect, that may have been a different vow.

As John Travolta opined in Pulp Fiction, there's Beatles people and Elvis people. And the same goes with Dogme, everybody falls on one side of the other. Obviously, I fall in the "I'll pass" category.

But all you Dogme and Trier fans out there, we can still be friends. Just don't be inviting me over to watch Julien Donkey Boy (Dogme movie #6, for the record), that's all I ask.

posted by drew on 4/03/2004

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Movie quizzes: Surprisingly low carb!

Even seeing this picture causes hysterical blindness in lab rats.Like a moth to the flame, or Guy Pearce to a bad movie project, I just can't stay away from a movie quiz. My distraction of the moment? The Guardian's Film Turkey Test. Having seen way too many turkeys myself, I figured I was a sure shot to ace this puppy. Now I'm more embarrassed than when my mom caught me watching Henry & June (Ma! It's an art film!) I scored a mere 6 out of 10.

You should take me out to the back like Ray Walston's dog and put me out of my misery.

posted by drew on 4/02/2004

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Drew's Blog-O-Rama:

Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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