What would Mr. Zero think?

I can think of few concepts more horrifying than the thought of Alyson Hannigan and Luke Perry doing a stage version of When Harry Met Sally, but that's exactly what's happening.

First they desecrate the memory of The Graduate by using the pie-poker Jason Biggs as Benjamin, and now Hannigan is playing Sally? I even like Hannigan, but she's super-wrong as Ms. Albright. How can she possibly play Sally at her oldest? She's only a hair away from still playing teenagers! And what's with American Pie folks massacring classic film on stage, anyway? Is a Broadway version of Taxi Driver around the corner starring Stifler?

But obviously, the biggest travesty is Luke Perry playing the Billy Crystal role. They're about as interchangeable as Paris Hilton and Janeane Garofalo! What the heck are they thinking? Do they have anything in common? Has Luke Perry ever shown that he's...oh, what's the word...FUNNY? How can he possibly deliver a "ride me big Sheldon" speech? How is anybody ever going to care about these two getting together?

This is more horrible news than finding out your fiance owns a wagon wheel table!

posted by drew on 12/29/2003

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Bye-bye St. Nick, hello Uma!

Ah, there's no better way to get over the post Christmas "Oh crap, it's almost time to go back to work and be forced to continue to pretend I dig my secret Santa present of 'Jingle socks'" blues than watching the new Japanese teaser trailer for Kill Bill Volume 2.

There are few movies out there I'm looking forward to more than this one. Suffering through brideus interruptus for months has left me sad and blue, so this is a swell reminder that there's still a big fat Volume 2 a comin' this spring.

Of course, if you can't wait 'til then, you can still whet the appetite by reading the screenplay. Or you could always watch the bootleg trailer for the first one. It's one of the finest trailers in the history of mankind, and it's an utter tragedy that 99% of the regular population has never seen it. Or perhaps you'd rather play an endless loop of "Battle Without Honor Or Humanity", the groovy tune that's featured prominently in the trailers.

What did movie geeks ever do before the internet was invented?

posted by drew on 12/27/2003

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Leon 2: Can we try with real bullets now? (Warning: Leon Spoilers)

According to Natalie Portman, Luc Besson has written a sequel to his finest film Leon (known as The Professional to commonfolk), and it might be the next movie she does.

I don't have time for this Mickey Mouse bullsh*t!

This concept makes me cringe. The heart and soul of the movie was Leon, played to perfection as both sympathetic man-child and badass hitman supreme by Jean Reno. And as we all know, Leon is no' mo'. Let's let the fella rest in peace.

The Mathilda stuff was cute because she was a wee one who had the warm fuzzies for her Mr. Cleaner Man. To paraphase Trent in Swingers, she's all growns up, and she's all growns up. And Leon-less. Hell, even Oldman bit the big one so he can't be around to chew scenery. So what's the point in making a sequel?

Besson hasn't directed a movie since 1999, and that was the putrid Joan Of Arc flick. Luc, you're the fella who made beautiful movies like The Big Blue and La Femme Nikita. I have faith that you've got more great movies in you. So I beg of thee, take your time, and when you're ready, make another one. But don't be givin' us no recycled tripe like Leon 2, that's simply unacceptable. Here endeth the lesson.

posted by drew on 12/25/2003

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Sparkle Motion would have won the dance category...

For you fans of Donnie Darko out there, you'll be pleased to know that Gary Jules' Mad World is the #1 Christmas song in Britain this year! Is there a better melancholy song than this in recent memory? I think not. Listen for yourself by check out the live version (Real) or if you bop on down to Jules website, you can hear the tune as it was on the Darko soundtrack. Just play it on the upper right hard corner deally. You shan't be disappointed, I assure you.

You know what the sad thing is, though? I love the flick, and have already seen the movie a few times, and still, whenever I hear this song, it sort of bums me out. In a good way, though. There is no bigger wuss than Drew, for the record.

posted by drew on 12/22/2003

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Dickie Greenleaf and Marge, together again.

I have to admit, I'm really torn about this "Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow" movie. First off, I really do dig the super old-school poster, which, of course, reminds me of the Pulp Fiction poster.

And the trailer sure is intriguing. Very pretty, albeit very CG...I read that the entire movie was shot on a blue screen. The casting seems perfect. So what's the prob?

It's just that these sorts of movies can go either way. When they work, you've got timeless classics like Dark City or The Iron Giant. When they don't work, you've got hideous dreck like Flash Gordon, or mediocrity like The Rocketeer. So I shall remain cautiously optimistic until next summer.

But damn, it does look cool in a geek sort of way. Especially for the kiddies.

posted by drew on 12/20/2003

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It takes a village.

Boy, watching the trailer for M Night's new movie, The Village, left me awfully cold. Having Bill Hurt do the narration for the trailer is a smart thing, but the tale he's narrating...blah. Small town that get invaded by supernatural baddies? Please. I halfway expected to see Joaquin with his trusted Louisville Slugger swinging away.

It's hard to believe that the guy who did The Sixth Sense is going to wind up being a one-trick pony when all is said and done. A moment of silence, please, for the passing of the last creative bone in Night's body.

Thank you. You may now resume with your regularly scheduled programming.

posted by drew on 12/19/2003

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The first rule of robots is, you don't talk about robots.

Call me a dork, but I kind of dig the new I, Robot teaser trailer. Seems like teasers in the style of commercials are in now, and I don't mind the trend. "My Generation" is a perfect song for the trailer, and the whole minimalist thing going on, which is always right up my alley. You don't even really know it's for I, Robot 'til the end. And heck, I'll see anything that Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) throws on the screen.

And the absolute best part of the trailer is that Will Smith is nowhere to be seen. If only it would stay that way forever...

posted by drew on 12/18/2003

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What a heel.

According to Coming Soon, filming of Ocean's 12 is delayed because, on the Troy set, Brad Pitt injured his achilles' heel. A tad ironic, no?

Didn't Mama Pitt know that when she dipped l'il Brad in the river Styx, she was supposed to make sure his heels were fully immersed? I'm pretty sure that's in Dr. Spock's book somewhere...

posted by drew on 12/16/2003

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Correction: Apocalypse, thy name is Garfield.

Have you seen the Garfield trailer yet? It's literally the most horrifying thing I've seen since I was chained to a chair and forced to sit through "Who's That Girl" back in the 80's. This trailer is all kinds of wrong. I cry at night know that a person who actually got paid to write the line "Get ready for some frisky business". I'm traumatized by the image of Garfield swirling his tushie, all Cameron Diaz style, to the Risky Business tune. I'm nauseated by...well, I could go on and deconstruct every moment and write a thesis on this trailer, but I'll spare you and just give you my main probs with this unholy mess.

1. Umm...correct me if I'm wrong, but the Garfield I remember is lazy and slothful. Attributes I respect. This Garfield gives the impression that somebody slipped some crystal meth in his lasagna. Boo.

2. If you're going to make Garfield with CGI, why would you not make Odie CGI as well? I won't even whine that Garfield doesn't look like Garfield, that's the nature o' the computer graphics route. But this Odie has no resemblance whatsoever to the drooling slobbering idiot from the strip. Feh.

3. Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt?!? To the producers' credit, maybe they were looking to cast the least charismatic human beings on the planet in order to put the focus on the critters. They succeeded.

4. Garfield seems more like Bill Murray (Thank you, thank you very much) than Garfield. And shame on you, Bill Murray. You make me dig you all over again by working with Wes Anderson and Sofia Coppola, and then you whore out for this. Remember when Annette Bening was the favorite to win the Oscar for American Beauty? Then people saw the trailer for "What Planet Are You From?" and bolted to Ms. Swank instead. I suspect the same thing is going to happen here with Murray with his solid performance in Lost In Translation. Sure, we're supposed to judge each performance on their own, blah blah blah, but mark my words, no Golden Guy for Murray. In the immortal words of De Niro in Copland: "You blew iiiiiiiiiiiit!"

And of course, the worst part is how many freakin' sequels this is gonna spawn. Like Satan's seed in Mia Farrow, the end result ain't gonna pretty.

posted by drew on 12/16/2003

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Apocalpyse, thy name is Tony.

Speaking of "bad" santas, did you see the USA is doing a bizarro version called Stealing Christmas? Similar deal, fella dresses up as Santa, but is really a criminal looking to rip off the joint. Except, well...look at him! Check out the travesty that is the trailer!

It's Tony freakin' Danza! And...and...he's clean! No drinking, no cussing, he seems relatively celibate and his Santa suit looks brand new! This is not a hardened criminal, this is the Hallmark Hall Of Fame version! His worst crime will probably be massacring the English language. Or missing his cues because his character's name isn't Tony in this flick. Feh. Billy Bob's Santa would wipe the floor with this hostess twinkie, vanilla, feel-good pseudo-bad Santa.

And if you want to be truly frightened, check out the comments on the IMDB about the movie. There's only 4, they're all glowing! And two of them use the phrase "underrated" when referring to Mr. Danza.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now...

posted by drew on 12/14/2003

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'Tis the season for intoxicated Santies!

In celebration of the Bad Santa screenplay making its debut online, I present to you the Sober Santa 2 game. I'm usually not so into flash-related games, but this one features a drinking, smoking, farting Santa, and you really don't see that every day. Plus, as he get drunker, it gets progressively more difficult to move Mr. Kringle around the room without getting electrocuted by the train track. And how many times can you utter a sentence like that in your lifetime?

I'll admit it, 'tis immature fun, especially if you think of him as Billy Bob as you play. All they need to do now is make a sequel game where they add profanity and a love for sizeable derrieres, and it could become the most popular Christmas game ever!

And people say I lack the Christmas spirit.

posted by drew on 12/14/2003

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As long as they don't do the George Michael Incident With Ken

I wish I was a creative soul, for then I would have come up with the idea to recreate scenes from the Paris Hilton video using a Barbie-type doll. The link's not pornographic or anything, after all, it's just a naked non anatomically correct doll. And still, it seems so wrong.

Of course, I have no idea if this is what the Paris video looks like at all. Since I haven't seen the video. Nope. For that would be horribly wrong. Definitely haven't seen it. But I probably would have thrown a teeny cell phone on the bed somewhere.

posted by drew on 12/13/2003

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Yet another thing I want yet cannot have...

Drool. On Being Charlie Kaufman, I read that there's a joint that actually sells these figures, imported from Japan. They got the hairline right, and even added sweat beads on Charlie's forehead, such attention to detail! How freakin' cool would it be to have Charlie and Donald Kaufman sitting on mantle with my Reservoir Dogs figures. Magnolia frog, and Being John Malkovich nesting dolls?

Cool to me and Jennie, that is, I'm sure to the average person our mantle would scream something to the effect of "DORK!" But anybody who doesn't at least respect our love of film would never be allowed to enter the premises and slander our movie paraphernalia. Tourists.

Anyway, even though they sort of resemble the California Raisins, I'd snag these puppies in a heartbeat if they weren't, I know know, fifty bucks. Bah, what a bummer. I really should learn from the Buddhists and achieve freedom from desire.

Hey, that reminds me of that great episode of the Simpsons when Richard Gere, asked by Lenny who Buddha is, replied "It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire because I've got the desire to kick your ass!" Major points for Gere being able to laugh at himself.

posted by drew on 12/11/2003

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Screw Roxie, I prefer Ms. Jones!

Wow! By way of Iblog, check out the difference between Renee during Oscar time last year and this month in these pictures! Not to get on my high horse or anything, but anybody who says that the Zellweg on the right is better looking than the one on the left is out of their freakin' mind!

Dostoyevsky once said "The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons." (See how smart a person can look by quoting the beginning of Con Air?) I'd like to add an addendum. I think the degree of civilization in a society can be also judged by looking at its taste in the female body form. How will the history books judge us, when they witness that many of us thought Lara Flynn Boyle was a hottie and that Kate Winslet was not?

Did you know that Terry Gilliam wanted Samantha Morton for his upcoming The Brothers Grimm movie? The Weinsteins vetoed it because, according to Morton, they said "the tops of my arms are too fat." That's just horrifying.

Like I used to say in my single days, I prefer my women to look like women, otherwise I'd just date twelve year old boys.

posted by drew on 12/10/2003

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Who ARE these drones?

I was surprised to see that Jerry Seinfeld, after killing time for years now, is doing an animated movie for Dreamworks about a society of bees. It's quite an original concept, don't you think? A famous Jewish comedian is doing the voice for a Dreamworks project about insects. I just don't know why that rings a bell to me.

Actually, between Woody as "Z", Albert Brooks as Marlin, and now Seinfeld as a bee, I'm seeing a bit of trend starting here. I'm glad Hollywood is finally starting to realize that my people are funny. I nominate Larry David or Garry Shandling as the next in line to be made into witster giraffes or sarcastic marmots or something of the like.

Hey Jerry, why not quit screwing around in the yellowjacket world, and do some more Seinfeld already? You've obviously got time on your hands, George sold his soul to KFC and mortgaged his dignity with Shallow Hal, Elaine flopped hard with Chasing Ellie, and whatever the heck Kramer has been doing didn't even show up on the radar. Get the gang back together!

Was the last season of Seinfeld as good as the earlier seasons? Heck no. Is mediocre Seinfeld better than 98% of what's on television? You betcha. It would be the greater comeback of all time! In case you're wondering, I am fully aware I'm just fantasizing here. It ain't ever gonna happen. Feh.

At least put the freakin' thing out on DVD already...

posted by drew on 12/10/2003

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Hallelujah, a new way to kill time!

Every since I was a wee child, I've always been sort of jealous of those church signs I see everywhere with the catchy slogans squeezed into a limited space. I used to try doing the same on the fridge with my multicolored alphabet magnets, but the effect just wasn't the same. Besides, every time I used the fridge to snag a Laughing Cow cheese the letters would sliiiiiiide down. Bah.

Just because I'm not the proprietor of a place of worship, does this make me any less qualified to make a church sign? This is the sort of thing that contributes to my insomnia and general resentment of the world, I'll have you know.

So, when I saw that some brilliant soul put up a church sign generator where you can make your very own signs, I was filled with euphoria and quickly made one of my own. Just click the pic to make it bigger. A tad on the weak side, but trust me, my offensive ones that I didn't put up were much more amusing.

So now I've made a church sign and Lifelong Dream #3984 has come true. Now it's about time to Lifelong Dream #3985 to come true, for a Nathan's to open within 20 miles of my home. Some people aspire to be president, I aspire to eat multitudes of hot dogs and french fries that must be eaten with those red mini pitchfork thingies. I appreciate the simple things.

posted by drew on 12/09/2003

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The hurting of the head

In case you were wondering, I've got no prob with the concept of Gibson's Christ movie coming out. I'm all for freedom of expression and all that jazz. And I'm always against the criticizing of things before seeing them, unless they're Pauly Shore flicks. Even it offends some people, hey, so be it, let's discuss it afterwards. Scorsese's Last Temptation offended a lot of people, and I think it's a pretty good movie. To each their own. Although, I do seriously doubt Caviezel will make a better Jesus than Willem Dafoe was, but we'll have to wait and see.

Hey, I just realized that Jim Caviezel has the same initials as the guy he's playing. Whoa, man. If this movie was decades ago, would Gibson have cast James Cagney?

But when I saw that the website is up and running, it hit me that the title had changed once again to The Passion Of The Christ. The Christ? Ick. I liked it much better when it was The Passion Of Christ, without the second "the." Actually, I liked it best when it was just The Passion, but I'll bet somebody realized it sounded like a late night Cinemax movie.

Anyhoo, The Passion Of The Christ hurts my ears like fingernails on a blackboard, or the sound of Hillary Duff's voice. It just rubs me hideously wrong. It's like when people say things like "My favorite movie is The Titanic." It makes me want to paraphase Jules from Pulp and say in a loud intimidating voice "Say THE again! C'mon, say THE again, Mother____! I dare you, I double dare you!"

In fact, please take that second "the", and lend it back to Kevin Costner, so his For Love Of The Game will once again become For The Love Of The Game. Then everything will right in the universe again. I don't ask for much.

posted by drew on 12/06/2003

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Phew, there's a bunch of awards today!

Ah, my favorite awards of the year, the Indie Spirit awards, have announced their mighty nominations today! They look pretty darn good to me. They recognized some of my fave flicks of the year: American Splendor, Lost In Translation, Raising Victor Vargas, and to a less extent The Station Agent and Shattered Glass. And I suspect I'm going to enjoy In America and House Of Sand and Fog. So, good going IFP, can't wait to see the show.

Now all that I ask is that you don't use Jennifer Tilly ever again in the awards ceremony. She's really not funny and has, as Elliott might say, "zero charisma." Seriously.

posted by drew on 12/04/2003

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'Tis the season! The first awards have been dished out...

The first awards of the season have hit via the National Board Of Review (see the list of winners) and it's not only award season, but whining season. Whining by me. Well, first the whining that I haven't seen enough of these movies/performances since I'm locationally challenged. But then about the choices. Instead of taking forever on each one, I'll run 'down some of the biggies super-briefly:

Best Picture: Mystic River. Feh. Overrated tripe. I was hoping for American Splendor or Lost In Translation to win. If this wins the Oscar I'm going to hang myself.

Best Actor: Sean Penn. Meh. Love him, haven't seen 21 Grams, thought he was okay in River. Had my fingers crossed for Paul Giamatti in American Splendor.

Best Actress: Diane Keaton. No freakin' way. I just can't believe she was so great. We'll see. I wanted Whale Rider girl or Rampling for Swimming Pooh. Bah.

Best Supp. Actor: Alec Baldwin. Dunno. To tell you the truth, I haven't seen anbody that knocked my socks off this year. Yet. Maybe Joe in The Station Agent.

Best Supp. Actress: Patricia Clarkson. Woo-hoo! No problemos whatsoever. She's superb. Yay for her.

And they special awards for Morgan Freeman, Norman Jewison, and Sofia Coppola, which they deserve, so that's music to my ears.

Well, I'm gonna stop now, or I'll wind up writing a freakin' Michener book. I'll write more about this stuff when I've seen more of the flicks, honest...

posted by drew on 12/03/2003

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I most certainly would not erase her.

I really dig the new set of 3 Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind posters. It's always pretty ballsy to make a poster with big stars and not show their faces.

After all, it failed miserably in the Quiz Show poster. I hope they fired the guy who thought it was a good idea to only show Ralph Fiennes back! But these Spotlight posters are much better than most of the generic crap the studios normally put out. I truly think it works here, sort of makes you take a second look and say "Hey, is that...?" Plus the "ripped" parts have a supercool three dimensional look to 'em, like when you're ripping layers of wallpaper off an ancient wall.

I still can't believe I have 'til March to see this movie....ARGH!

posted by drew on 12/01/2003

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Drew's Blog-O-Rama:

Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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