They Got A Pepper Bar!!!

Remember how utterly weak and pitiful the Super Bowl commercials were? Horsies farting and dogs biting groins and monkeys macking on the ladies and Jessica Simpson getting outacted by a pizza do not a Drew impress. What does impress a Drew, you wonder?

Singing roadkill.

Yeah, you heard me. Quizno's has two new commercials (Clip #1 and Clip #2) whose mascots appear to be...well...serenading roadkill, one with a pirate hat and one with a derby. Seriously. Okay, maybe they're not roadkill. Mutant rats? Alien hamsters? They sort of look like if Brak conceived of an ad starring the offspring of Steve Buscemi and a dead squirrel, and then voiced it with Adam Sandler. Or maybe if the Homestar Runner guys did a commercial in the bizarro world starring the children of the theoretical pairing of if Ren had made sweet love to a tarsier, and then used the singing voice of Grover or Tim Roth after a heavy night of drinking. But not exactly.

I, of course, love Quizno's mascots and the new commercials. They've got joy, they're eye-catching, and I'll be damned if they're not catchy. And how can you not respect an organization who doesn't care about the ramifications of associating these rodents with food? And moreso, any place that will let me take in a pony ride coupon to get a buck off their product is aces in my book. Perhaps in their next commercial they could beat Subway's uber-bland Jared to a pulp with their guitars. I'd probably be a Quiznos customer for life after witnessing that, sort of a passing of the baton kind of thing.

So what are these crazed thingamahoos, and can I see them perform at my local Dairy Queen? Well, dear reader, I sacrificed a few vestal virgins (I couldn't find 16, Procol Harem must have 'em hoarded away somewhere) at the altar of the Google God and found out the nitty gritty. Well, it was either do that, or de-lint the belly button 'til Jen came home. I chose the former.

They're called Spongemonkeys, according to the creator of 'em, Joel Veitch. Or perhaps Spongmonkeys, I can't quite figure out if the fella made a typo or not. But you can see for yourself on his website, Turns out this guy also did those supercool singing kitten promos on VH1, too. The Fischerspooner one is my fave, for the record, it's on the bottom o' the page. Sadly, there's no info about the origins of the Spongemonkeys, or what they are exactly, or if prefer Diet Vanilla Coke to Diet Pepsi Vanilla. What a bummer. However, there's the original song and video for the l'il Spong(e?)monkeys, "We Like The Moon". It's like finding a lost episode of Just The Ten Of Us, this sort of find!

So, once Jen came home I showed her the commercial, fully expecting her to bask in the wonder that is guitar-wielding spong(e?)monkeys. Alas, though we share a love of the important things in life like IHOP and Fight Club, and well, each other, she was not duly impressed with the spot. She crinkled her face, not unlike when Sally was asked for her opinion on the wagon wheel table, and opined "It's sort of dumb." Dumb! DUMB! She said it just didn't do it for her, thus breaking my heart, and perhaps making me feel a tad foolish about the whole Quizno's thing. And I thought that was the end of it.

But a few hours later, I heard a strange sound coming from the other room whilst I was reading American Splendor. I crept closer, trying to determine what this sound, this tune, if you will, was exactly. Turned out it was Jen. And under her breath, she was singing:

"We love the subs...coz they are good to us!"

"A-HA!" I bellowed, leaping up from behind the couch with a self-important pointer finger in the air, which seemed to have caught her a tad off-guard, causing her to pour Diet Coke With Lime directly into her lung and spill her garlic hummus all over herself. And the couch.

Once she was done beating the crap out me, she did sheepishly admit that it was a catchy commercial after all, and that she did, indeed, like it. It was worth the near-fatal beating. Besides, the doc said that with some grueling physical therapy, my limp won't be so noticeable after a year or so.

Quiznos/Drew=1 Jen=0

And, in summation, since I've already written a Michael Crichton sized-post about a freakin' commercial with singing gerbils with overacting thyroids, I figured I'd just go all the way and transcribe the lyrics of the commercials for you, too. The punctutation is transcribed precisely, lest you think me a bit overeager. Oh, and in lieu of thanks or gobs of cash, you can just tell tales of my self-sacrifices to your grandchildren.

Commercial #1:

We Love The Subs!!!
Coz They Are Good To Us! The Quizno's Subs!
They Are Tasty
They Are Crunchy
They are Warm Because They Toast Them!!!
They Got A Pepper Bar!!!

Commercial #2:

We Love The Subs!!!
Subs Are A Dollar Off!!!
When You Bring In A Coupon
For Things To Eat Or Oil Changes!!!
For Pony Rides Or For Hair Plugs!!
Any Coupon Works!!!
Beware Of Paper Cuts!

posted by drew on 2/17/2004

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Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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