This is what Jude Law will look like in twenty years.
There's cinematic crimes against humanity, and then there's cinematic crimes against humanity. The full I, Robot trailer would fall in the latter category.
The concept itself had so much potential. Isaac Asimov, one of the greatest sci-fi writers of all time, paired with Alex Proyas, director of The Crow And Dark City. Arguably two of the top flicks of their respective genres. Sure, then Will Smith came aboard, but I gave the big lug the benefit of the doubt, thinking that for sure, they would tone down his "Will Smithness" for a prestige project like this. Hell, he was fine in Ali, so I wasn't totally grasping at straws. He was surely going to prove he was all growns up in this one. Then I saw the trailer.
Words cannot describe this atrocity. Every time I try to even type about it, I burst into tears and wind up rocking in the fetal position muttering "Will Smith will be tried one day for his crimes against movies" over and over again. So I did what any logical fella would do in my situation. I busted out my Ouija board, and decided to see what Isaac Asimov himself had to say about it.
Drew: So, Isaac (we're BFF, so I can call him by his first name), did you happen to
see the new I, Robot Trailer?
Asimov: What the F*CK? Have you ever seen such a sh*tty piece of crap in your life!? I couldn't even tell it was based on my writing until the end! I thought it was a sneak preview for Men In Black 3, for chrissakes! This is one of my best works, and they befoul it by using The Fresh Prince, the principal from Boston Public, and were my eyes deceiving me, or was that one of those Coyote Ugly bimbos in there as well?
Drew: Indeed she was. Wait, didn't Coyote Ugly and Boston Public come out after your...ummm...expiration? How do you know those B-level pop culture icons?
Asimov: Hey, the afterlife is a snooze, man. Gotta fill the time somehow. To be honest, I spend most of my week waiting for The O.C. to come on. That Mischa Barton turned out to be quite the hottie. Who knew?
Drew: Uh...okay. Back to I, Robot. I was especially appalled by Smith's "You thought I was calling you sugar? You're not that rich" line. That wasn't in your original book, was it?
Asimov: I get to communicate with a live human being for the first time, in like, 6 years, and I get the brain dead one. Of course that wasn't my line, schmuck! Hardly any of the dialogue was! Do you think I would have won all those awards if I wrote things like "Baby, what happened to your face? Did that Frank Murphy beat you up again?" They would have laughed my ass all the way back to Russia.
Drew: Sheesh, SOR-RY. Talk about touchy.
Asimov: Sorry, man, sorry. It's not you. I'm just still really pissed about this whole thing. Between the hideous casting, putrid dialogue, Bjork-looking robots, and that "Rules were made to be broken" tagline, I'm turning over more than Paris Hilton in that video with the crappy resolution.
Drew: Well buddy, sorry to say, but there's nothing you can do about it now. You know, being dead and all.
Asimov: Nothing? Listen Oda Mae, I want you to get me Johnny Cochran, I'm suing
for defamation of character! Also, I need you to do a bunch of other things for me. First, I have a few things to say to 20th Century fox. So, take a letter. Dear Ass Clowns: You dumb motherf-
Unfortunately, our communication broke off at this point. Perhaps I'll contact him again when the sequel, "We, Robots", co-starring Anthony Anderson hits the big screen.
posted by drew on 3/13/2004
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