"Conquer your fear, and I promise you, you'll conquer death!"

So proclaimeth nouveau-blondie Colin Farrell in the new Alexander trailer. Do lines like this actually work? If somebody said that kind of thing to me, I'd immediately ask if they meant "conquer death" in the literal sense (i.e. living) or in the figurative sense (i.e. roadkill that people talk about for a while). Either way, I still have an irrational fear of koalas, so I'm screwed regardless.

Back to the trailer, it does absolutely nothing for me. Warriors and spears and horsies...oh my! Notice how they conveniently left out the bisexuality that's going to be in the flick. Guess they figure showing Colin swapping spit with Jared Leto might scare away the homophobic folk who dig gladiator movies. Of course, if you're homophobic and dig gladiator movies, you probably have a few unresolved issues you might want to work out there, bub.

And they don't really show anything but Colin in the trailer, besides a few obligatory flashes of battles. Towards the end, they show Farrell wide-eyed, about to take on what must be some jaw-dropping opponent and it turns out to be...an elephant. The money shot is Colin on a horse vs. some guy on a freakin' elephant. Yawn. I could almost hear Donald Kaufman pitching it. "Hey, bro...I've got a Alexander on a horse fighting a guy on an elephant. It's like a battle between big and slow...and horse!"

I'll be so glad when this historical epic thing goes the way of torn sweatshirts. I prefer some good old fashioned psychotic ear removal or accidental getting shot in the face, thank you very much.

Related tune: Horse With No Name by America (real audio via deradio.com)

posted by drew on 5/28/2004

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