King Arthur, or as I like to call it: Bend It Like Beckham 2

After checking out the final poster for King Arthur, I can't help but feel for my buddy Clive Owen. And by "my buddy", I mean complete stranger. But still, complete stranger or not, nobody deserves to be hosed as royally as Clive was on this poster (via Latino Review).

The Jerry Bruckheimer epic is titled King Arthur. This is not by accident since the focus of the film is, you guessed it, King Arthur. If the flick was about Guinevere, I assume they would have called it Guinevere, no? Clive Owen finally landed the role that could very well make him into a star, and who's front and center on the poster? Ms. "I look like a cross between Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder but I have the bod of a twelve year old boy" Keira Knightley in a medieval version of Milla Jovovich's outfit in 5th Element. Egad!

Hell, he's relegated to the same status of backup singer as that actor on the right, who I'll refer to as "the other guy" since 99.9% of Americans have never seen or heard of Ioan Gruffudd. Myself included. To add insult to injury, look where Keira's elbow is; it looks like when she pulls back her bow the whole way, Clive's going to an eye socket full of bony-assed elbow. I'm thankful the same marketing guys weren't hired to do the Frida poster, I'm sure they would have plopped Alfred Molina in the center with Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd on the outskirts. Bastards.

Yeah, yeah, I know, Keira Knightley is a bigger star than Clive Owen at the moment, blah blah blah. Screw that. I respected Bruckheimer for taking a risk in casting the guy best known for the BMW movies. It was a ballsy move. I just wish they had remained the same level of ballsy when it came to designing the poster, that's all.

Oh, and by the way, I'm fully aware that this post is the epitome of making a mountain out of a molehill. But I proudly go to the school of George Costanza; it doesn't take much to get me riled up sometimes. You should consider yourself lucky I don't rant about even more nonsubstantive issues, like the stickers they plaster all over previously viewed DVDs at Movie Gallery.

Because I could have written a book on that one, baby!

Related tune: Arthur's Theme by Christoper Cross (mp3 via

posted by drew on 5/12/2004

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