The Olsen Spawn Vs. Wolverine Vs. The McGriddle.

Oy, this is not a primo week for new Hollywood movies. I'm a firm believer that the week an Olsen Twins movie gets a wide release is the week that is obviously going to trigger the apocalypse. I've got my duct tape, flashlight, and supply of twinkies ready; I strongly advise you do likewise. But in case the world doesn't actually end until Monday, here's a roundup of the three major movies making their debut this week:

New York Minute (trailer).
First things first. I know millions of you disagree with me on this one, but...ummm...the almost-eighteen Olsen Twins are not hotties. They still have that primate quality they had as kiddies, they still have the bods of kiddies, and they reek of those 13 year olds desperately trying to look 18 by caking on the whorey makeup. You can find dozens of these types hanging around 7-11 any given Friday night trying to get older guys to buy beer for 'em. The lovely Scarlett Johansson, on the other hand, was around the same age as the Olsen twins are now when she made Lost In Translation. Let's compare: Scarlett Johannsen vs. The Olsen Twins. Case closed.

And what's with their constantly being connected at the head? Unless one of their noggins is positively charged and the other negatively charged, there's really no excuse for this cranial magnetism. If Mary Kate and Ashley want to be treated as two separate entities, they might want to consider having that surgery doctors do on Siamese twins.

Oh yeah, the movie looks hideous as well. By the way. Mr. Levy, you don't have to say yes to every movie that's offered to you. Know when to say when. After appearances in Like Mike, Dumb and Dumberer, this flick...I figure you must have forgotten. I shall never see this movie as long as I live.

Super Size Me (trailer)

This flick's getting great buzz; following the effects of eating only Mickey D's for 30 days is certainly new. I'm a Michael Moore fan, I'll make no bones about it, and this movie definitely has that renegade liberal documentary thing that works in my favor. Although, I don't see why the guy had to go and out and eat McDonald's for every meal, all the fella had to do was follow me around any given month while I was in college.

Call me naive, but I'm still a bit shocked that there are so many people taking the McDonald's side of this issue, crowing about personal responsibility and all that hoo-hah. Yes, we all choose what we eat, and I agree, lawsuits about fast food making you fat are ridiculous. But I don't see what's wrong with a reminder about how certain things are bad for you. Especially when fast food these days are trying to present themselves as a quick, healthy alternative to cooking at home.

I see it like this: everybody on the planet knows that a car crash is quite an unpleasant thing to be a part of. But in driver's ed, they always show you that movie where the kid drives too fast and winds up as bloody roadkill. Sometimes even though we know something is bad, we still need a slap in the fact to remind us of the fact. Nothing to get your panties in a bunch about. Since I can't see it theatrically, I'll rent this puppy the first day it's released on DVD.

Van Helsing (trailer)

When I saw the trailer for this one, it reminded me of a great quote that Quentin Tarantino once uttered about a Matrix sequel that went something like this:

"If I wanted computer graphics, I'd go home and stick my dick in a Nintendo."

Personally, I have no desire to see Van Helsing, nor do I have a desire to make sweet love to my game system. It's appalling that they say "From Stephen Sommers, the director of The Mummy and The Mummy 2" like it's a good thing. Why not go all out and mention that he directed Deep Rising as well? It's like trying to sell you on dating your ex-girlfriend again because she gave you syphilis and stole your tv. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, beat me to death with a tire iron.

Related tune: New York Minute by Don Henley (mp3 via

posted by drew on 5/07/2004

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