"If fate makes you a motorcycle, you become a motorcycle."

The above quote was not spoken by an existentialist Harley; it was delivered by supergenius-by-day Jack Austin (Jack Black) and was referring to Heat Vision, the motorcycle which used to be his ex-roommate Doug (Owen Wilson) before Ron Silver (Ron Silver) turned Doug into a mode of transportation. I suspect you may be completely lost right about now, but don't worry, so was I before saw the light. And by "saw the light", I mean watched the pilot episode of Heat Vision and Jack, a 1999 Ben Stiller directed show starring pre-famous Jack Black and Owen Wilson that has never been broadcast on television.

How did I see such a thing, you ask? Did I have to sleep with Ben Stiller? Did I have to dress up in catsuit like Catherine Zeta Jones and break into the Fox vault? Well, yeah. But it turns out I didn't have to. Thanks to the good folks at waxy.org, you too can watch the full half hour episode (right here), which is broken into three big mpeg files. And hey, since I do happen to run a script site as well, here's links to both the Heat Vision and Jack early draft and a later draft of the show. Who loves ya, baby?

So not only can you read and watch it, but you damn well should. If you dig Stiller, Wilson, and especially Jack Black, you're going to be an incredibly happy camper. It's a pretty funny show that's a loving homage to oodles of cheesy 70's/80's action/sci-fi shows like Knight Rider, The Six Million Dollar Man, The Incredible Hulk, Buck Rogers, yadda yadda. Plus, it had Ron Silver playing Ron Silver before Jennifer Grey played Jennifer Grey in It's Like, You Know, so it was even a half-step ahead in the postmodern sitcom game.

Man, Fox really dropped the ball twice with Ben Stiller. First they canceled The Ben Stiller show, which subsequently won an Emmy, then he comes back with another show, and it doesn't see the light of day. Yet they pick up quality fare like, say, Banzai. I've noticed that Stiller hasn't done any more pilots for Fox. Luckily, he must be following the school of thought of that famous fella whose name escapes me who said "Fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again.

Related tune: Move Out by Yaz (mp3 via saturn5.com)

posted by drew on 6/27/2004

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Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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