Holy shnikes! Freddy. Vs. Jason Vs. Ash ain't just a rumor!

Those of you who've been around here forever (you could chip in for the beer once in a while, y'know) will notice that I posted the exact same thing almost a year ago. So, being the lazy bastard that I am, below is what I posted back last October. But for those of you who already read it, after that I shall geek out more about it, since I'm a year older and wiser and all that fun stuff.

Old Post
Okay, it ain't exactly a go yet either, but Fangoria has confirmed that New Line is seriously considering making a FvJvA movie. I've heard this rumor for a while now, and always pretty much dismissed it as masturbatory fanboy babble, so I have to admit, I'm pretty darn shocked to see that it's more than just conjecture.

So, is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm conflicted, to say the least. Obviously, the thought of Bruce Campbell, my favorite S-Mart employee, reloading his boomstick once again is intriguing. But isn't Ash without Sam Raimi, to quote Oran "Juice" Jones, "like cornflakes without the milk"? I mean, if they made, say, Godzilla Vs. Mothra Vs. Mr. Blonde, without any Tarantino involvement, would it really have any merit? Methinks it would be a bit too whorish for Mr. Campbell, who has good thing going right now with Bubba Ho-Tep. And don't forget, sequels just spawn more sequels, and bigger paychecks, so does he really want to have to have the moral quandry of whether to sign on to Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash Vs. Chucky Vs. V.I. Warshawski? Better not to open pandora's box.

Besides, who in their right mind wouldn't be rooting for Ash in that matchup with Jason and Freddy anyway? Sure, Freddy can kill you in your sleep, and gotcha, Jason's a killing machine and all, but Ash has personality. And to quote the philosopher king Jules, "personality goes a long way."

New Epilogue
So now the Hollywood Reporter is Hollywood reportin' that once again, New Line is negotiating with Sam Raimi/Bruce Campbell to get this party started once again.

I pray this doesn't occur.

As you can tell, I'm no longer conflicted; this is probably because I've since seen Jason Vs. Freddy, one of the most appallingly bad horror flicks I've seen in recent history. The flick proved once and for all, Freddy and Jason need to be put out to pasture. To be honest, for me, Jason was never interesting to begin with. Give me a bad guy I can root for or somebody I can hate, not just a machete with legs. And Freddy I think of as not unlike Alf...he was an intriguing curiousity at best but got old quick and is now a relic of the 80's who has has no place in 2004.

Now let me give Ash a little sugar. Ash isn't a bad guy, he's a hero! A hero with a badass attitude in three of the best horror-comedies of all time, which ain't chump change. And most importantly, the Evil Dead movies work not only because of Bruce Campbell, but because of Sam Raimi. If you take Sam Raimi out of the equation, you've got Cabin Fever. Which, in case you were wondering, is not a good thing. And let's get real, there's no way in hell Sam Raimi is going to direct this movie. Also, it wouldn't even really be a fair fight considering that Jason and Freddy are pretty much superhuman and can't be killed. Ash is just a regular fella with incredibly bad luck.

And lastly, besides that I don't want my beloved Ash being tainted in a guaranteed to be heinous whorefest, Jason Vs. Freddy Vs. Ash doesn't make sense from a business standpoint. 99% of humanity knows who Jason and Freddy are; I'm sure more of the population could identify a picture of Jason than could identify a picture of Martin Luther King. But however much the Evil Dead series has a cult following, most people don't even know who Ash is. Seriously, go ask somebody you know that's not a horror buff and you're gonna get a blank look. So it would Jason Vs. Freddy Vs...Who The Heck Is That? Army of Darkness's total box office was a mere 11 million, and Jason Vs. Freddy made three times that in just its opening weekend. So if I'm a studio exec, what the heck is Ash bringing to that table? It's like if you had Batman Vs. Superman Vs. The Wonder Twins. Even Gleek wouldn't help put asses in the seats.

So here's to hoping this one never pans out. Maybe it'll be like those movies that are oft-talked about but never actually come to fruition, like Confederacy Of Dunces or On The Road. Except, of course, that those two projects I'd actually want to see.

So they'll probably never happen.

Related tune: It's A Sin by The Pet Shop Boys (mp3 via apsb)

posted by drew on 8/17/2004

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