Some words of encouragement and praise for Julia Roberts.

I know, I know. I've said some things in the past about Julia Roberts that could be considered somewhat unkind. Yes, I may have used phrases like "horsey-mouth", "excruciatingly talentless" or "devil incarnate" in the past, especially when she beat Ellen Burstyn for the Oscar a couple of years back. But, as Penelope Cruz so accurately stated in Vanilla Sky, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around," so I'm going to extend an olive branch to Julia Roberts today.

You see, I was taken completely off-guard by the news that Julia is taking an extended break from acting, what with the twins on the way and all.

Bravo, Julia. Bravo.

I'm so pleased that you've decided to take time off to be with your wonderful family; you're obviously a wholesome, dedicated gal who has her priorities in order. I had you all wrong, and I wholeheartedly apologize. In fact, having twin siblings of my own, I can tell you from first-hand experience; they're quite a handful. But every day will fill your heart with joy, and acting won't even come close to giving you the utter happiness that comes with child rearing.

Now, here's some advice. The first 18 years of a child's development is the most crucial, so you probably want to wait to make your big comeback until after they graduate high school. Also, why stop with just these two? I think your twins have a right to have some non-twin siblings to play with, don't you? You don't want them turning out like Jeremy Irons in Dead Ringers, right? In fact, why not just pop one out every year or two? Have you seen Cheaper By The Dozen? They sure seem like the ultimate family to me. You can always make your triumph return to the big screen after the youngest one can vote. So take your time Julia, we'll be there when you're good and ready to return.

P.S. Cate Blanchett, if you happen to be reading this since you yourself just gave birth a couple of months ago...this soliloquy applies only to Julia Roberts. Please disregard it completely and go back to acting as soon as humanly possible.

Related tune: Horse With No Name by America (mp3 via

posted by drew on 8/25/2004

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