...and starring John Travolta as Mr. Blonde
Sorry 'bout my being splitsville lately, but I've only recently recovered from the hysterical blindness brought on by seeing Vinnie Barbarino as a blonde on the Love Song For Bobby Long poster. Going blonde could possibly be the worst decision John Travolta has made in his entire life, and lest you forget, he starred in such cinematic gems as Urban Cowboy, Look Who's Talking, Phenomenon, and I won't even mention the oh-so-easy target. Plus, he spawned with Kelly Preston. So you understand the magnitude of this follicle faux-pas, I should hope. What could Hollywood possibly be thinking when it decides to make a dark haired fella into a a golden boy? Have they not learned from the last?
So, as a public service to mankind, I've decided to give you the top five non-blonde actors who have dipped their toe in the pool of blondeness with apocalyptic results.
5. Colin Farrell in Alexander. I don't care how big your schlong is, it can't possibly draw attention away from the fact that your coif is ridiculous. The only way you can conquer the world with that 'do is by hoping your enemies laugh themselves to death like the weasels in Roger Rabbit.
4. Kevin Spacey in Hurlyburly. Not be glib but son, you got a canary on your head. The sole justification I can come up with for Kev's hair in this flick is that his character was a gigantic prick whose face you were supposed to want to smash in, and the hair does help achieve that goal.
3. Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element. You'd think these guys with the thinning hair would want to draw less attention to their dilemma, no? Poor guy's locks looked worse than his wife's that year, and that's quite an accomplishment.
2. Tom Cruise in Interview With The Vampire. Cruise should have told the peroxide guy "I want some less." Wait...that doesn't even make sense. Anyhoo, instead of looking vampirish and scary, he just looked like a surfer wannabe goth kid with some serious sexual identity issues.
1. Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man. If actors with hideous blonde dye jobs formed a religion, Wesley Snipes would be their deity. And a wicked god he would be. And by wicked I mean incredibly bad, not that Bostonian Will Hunting "wicked smat" kinda way.
Related tune: Yellow by Coldplay (mp3 via blog.hex.is)
posted by drew on 9/29/2004
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