Jimbo. Enough with the ocean, already.

It seems nobody else has the cojones will tell you tell this, so I shall be the bearer of bad news. You, James Cameron, have an compulsion with the ocean and you desperately need help. If I were in the same room with you, I'd give ya a Cher-like slap . But since you're most likely underwater, I shall have to deliver the aforementioned slap in written form. Before I get down to the brass tacks, let's get the textbook definition of compulsion out the way, shall we? According to The American Heritage Dictionary, here's the exact meaning:

com┬Ěpul┬Ěsion ( k&m-'p&l-sh&n)
n.

An uncontrollable impulse to perform an act, often repetitively, as an unconscious mechanism to avoid unacceptable ideas and desires which, by themselves, arouse anxiety.

Does this sounds familiar, Jim? In 1997, you made Titanic, a movie about a ship from long ago that sunk in the ocean. It was the biggest movie of all time, whomped at the Academy Awards, yadda yadda. You were the "king of the world" as it were, and could have made any movie you wanted to after that. So what was the next full length movie you made? You waited five years and then made Expedition: Bismarck, a documentary about a ship from long ago that sunk in the ocean.

Way to expand your horizon there, James.

Next you made Ghosts of the Abyss, a documentary which consisted of a journey to the ocean to visit (big shocker coming) the wreckage of the Titanic.

Starting to see a pattern here?

And then the kicker, I found out today that your new movie coming out in 2005 is Aliens Of The Deep. Which...ummm...is a documentary that studies underwater life in the ocean. Yeah, yeah, there's no sunken boat this time, but there is the ever-present ocean.

Snap out of it, Cameron!

Don't me wrong, a James Cameron movie about things on and in the ocean has the potential to be interesting. Once or twice. After that, you're like one of those people who can't ever leave the house because an irrational fear that you left the oven on.

The oven's off, Jim. Come outside. There's lots of interesting subjects to make movies about that don't have a single iota of the ocean in them. I promise. I know this because you used to make them. You're afraid you're not going to match Titanic's success? You're right. Perhaps nobody ever will, which means you're off the hook. So, I beg of you, please make sure your next movie not involve does not involve a large body of water. Because dammit Jim, you're a director, not an oceanographer.

Related tune: Edge Of The Ocean by Ivy (mp3 via thebandivy.com)

posted by drew on 11/10/2004

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