Stephen Glass is now writing for The Guardian!

Actually, he's not. You see, what I just did was pull out a "fact" out of an orifice of my body that I'm positive you have zero desire to be close to, especially a couple of hours after I've eaten aloo gobi from the local Indian joint. So why I am I babbling about The Guardian, Stephen Glass, and my occasional gastric distress? Because I just read a piece about Russell Crowe in the Guardian, the Brit paper I love and cherish, which contains a couple of statements which appear to be complete fiction. Here's a link to the story about Crowe/Cinderella Man, and below are the two sentences that left my jaw agape:

So far it has made just $67m despite a budget of $117m, with many film-goers reportedly boycotting it because of the attack. If found guilty, the Oscar-winning actor could be barred from working in the US again.

As Sam Jackson so eloquently put it in Pulp Fiction..."Get the f*ck out of my face with that sh*t!"

"Many filmgoers" are boycotting the film because of Crowe's schmucky behaviour? Hardly. Can The Guardian provide any proof of this alleged boycott? Russell Crowe has been playing the aggressive fool offscreen for years now, and it's never hurt his box office. Between 2000-2004, the only movie he made that didn't clear 97 million was Proof Of Life, and that wasn't because he was reenacting scenes from Fight Club in his personal life. It's because Proof of Life sucked.

Perhaps Cinderella Man is tanking because it was released in the middle of summer where it's competing against movies like Batman Begins and War Of The Worlds. More likely, the flick has mediocre returns because it's getting reviews where some critics are referring it as "a cloying piece of fluff", "a worn-out goodwill version of Rocky," and my personal favorite, "Raging Bull-sh*t." If the public truly didn't go see movies because the star was getting oodles of press for being an ass, then War Of The Worlds would have grossed $513.92 last week.

But what really blew me away was their claim that if found guilty of assault, Russell Crowe "could be barred from working in the US again." By who? The League Of Shadows? The Guardian must be right on this one, because once they got convicted, I haven't seen a single movie with Robert Mitchum, Halle Berry, Nick Nolte, Eddie Bunker, Robert Downey Jr., Christian Slater, Hugh Grant, Tom Sizemore, Gary Busey, Charles Dutton, Mark get my point.

So c'mon Guardian, I beg of thee to live up to your self-proclaimed description of being the "best daily newspaper on the world wide web" or I'll have to insist that you change it to the Howard Beale quote "We'll tell you anything you want to hear, we lie like hell."

Update (few hours later): Reader Mancunian chimes in:

Well, if he gets convicted of assault they're perfectly correct, he could be refused a US work permit as a result of his criminal conviction.

He's not a US citizen is he? Not as far as I know anyway...

Obviously he won't be barred from working in the US again though, as the US doesn't have laws for celebrities it seems.

So technically, the Guardian is correct that he could be sort of "barred" since he doesn't bleed red, white, and blue. But there's about as much chance of that occurring as there is of Arnold Schwarzenegger picking Warren Beatty as his running mate and running on an "amnesty for illegal aliens" platform.

I do take massive offensive at Mancurian's assertian that the US doesn't have laws for celebrities, though. Of course we have laws, buddy! Everybody is treated 100% equally here. I'd say some more about it, but I'd be late for lunch with Robert Blake.

Related tune: Stop Draggin' My Heart Around by Steve Nicks & Tom Petty (mp3 via

posted by drew on 7/05/2005

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