Design a movie poster for slave wages!

I don't want to come off as some paranoid talk show host or a Chris Eigeman character, but there's a new form of outsourcing that is quite disturbing, my friends. No, I'm not talking about those customer service jobs in Bangladesh or that time I tricked those guys into a painting a fence for me. I'm speaking, of course, about movie poster design...particularly in the horror/action genre. It seems like every day I'm scoping out the movie sites I see promos from the big studios to the effect of "Design my Resident Evil poster and get some free Jujubes!" or "Create our Silent Hill poster and get some chump change and a pat on the head!"

The latest contest (click) is for some movie called Stay Alive, where the concept is "You die in the game, you die for real." It really doesn't even seem so fictious to me. It wouldn't surprise me one bit that if I keep dying before I make it to the next level of 25 to Life, I'm gonna keel over from screaming and throwing my Sunny D at the television.

Anyhoo, design the poster for the flick, get a whopping 10 DVDs and a signed poster to boot. Yawn. Isn't that what they pay graphic designers for? Soon it'll be "Come up with the concept for our Rush Hour 3 movie, and win two free rentals from Blockbuster and as many Goobers as you can shove in your mouth in 60 seconds!"

What's even more offensive than the fact that they're taking away jobs from people in the movie industry, to be honest, is that they never, ever pick my designs. The people who judge these things are more picky than those The New Yorker bastards. Well, those Stay Alive people won't be able to deny my creative genius on this one. Since I love you guys so much, I'll let you have a sneak peek at my entry right here.

But please, tempting as it may be, don't steal it and pass it off as your own. That just wouldn't be right, and I've been doing mouth stretching exercises of late so I can cram the maximum amount of Goobers in my gob.

(via Flick Addict)

Related tune: Staying Alive by The Bee Gees (Windows Media via

posted by drew on 2/20/2006

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Movie Haikus Proven To Lower Blood Pressure by 13%!

I know it's now the tail end of the weekend, but at long last I've got what you've been waiting for. No, not the results of last night's Powerball's my thoughts on the new movies coming out this weekend expressed in haiku form. Remember, I use lower case for everything, because I bust my haiku all ee cummings-style, yo.

That sound you hear is e.e. cummings turning over in his grave. Vehemently.

date movie

pity hannigan
she never should have stuck that
flute up her hoo hoo

eight below

caucasian snow dogs
you know, i wish feral dogs
would eat paul walker


moore blames bad black man
methinks she's hiding something
susan smith's fave flick!

Related tune: Baby You Can Drive My Car by The Beatles (mp3 via

posted by drew on 2/19/2006

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I wish I could quit used clothes!

This smells not unlike Donnie Darko!If you're one of those Brokeback Mountain fans who obsessively collects all things BM related and you've got an extra $30,000 laying around the house, have I got news for you! Variety, The Children's Charity, is holding a charity auction on eBay (via)for the real shirts worn by Health & Jake during the "summer winter lovin'" part of the flick. You know, the two shirts, hanging as one in the closet (ahem) at the end of the movie? Now they can hang proudly in your own closet, with the original stains in 'em and everything. Don't worry, if you don't have an extra $30,000 laying around the house, I hear that you can live a pretty decent life with just one kidney. Personally, I plan to buy the shirts so I can wear 'em, maybe play some dress 'up, and put on a little play for my class. Here's a sneak preview of the dialogue, 'specially for you:

Jack: Man, oh man, do your beans suck.

Ennis: Not as much as your harmonica playing, bro!

Jack: Bite me. You know who I hate? Our boss.

Ennis: Me too. I'm tired of him giving us the stinkeye.

Jack: You know, he kind of looks like Cousin Eddie to me if you squint right.

Ennis: Who?

Jack: Cousin Eddie! Does the movie Vacation ring a bell?

Ennis: Dude, it's like, 1962.

Jack: Oops, my bad. Hey, I'm bored. Wanna stem the rose?

Ennis: I have no idea what that expression means.

Jack: You'll like it. Trust me on this.

Ennis: Would it make me queer? Cuz I ain't no queer.

Jack: Certainly not.

They proceed to engage in some rough, passionate rose stemming.

Randy Quaid: I knew it! On a totally unrelated note, do you boys have any Hamburger Helper?


I'll have to show this to my buddy Max Fischer...I'm sure he'll deem it worthy enough to be performed by his players!

Related tune: Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys by Willie Nelson and Matchbox 20 (real audio via aol)

posted by drew on 2/15/2006

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Time For Weekend Haiku by Drew

You know the scoop by now; here are my thoughts on the new movies coming out this weekend expressed in haiku form. Remember, I use lower case for everything, because I bust my haiku all ee cummings-style, yo.

That sound you hear is e.e. cummings turning over in his grave. Vehemently.

curious george
dumbass george makes mess
older white dude runs the show
does this ring a bell?

final destination 3
bad things come in threes
some death should not be cheated
time to pull the plug

ford used to smile some
now he's grumpy McAnal
hang it up, indy

the pink panther
this remake features
steve martin and beyonce
my eighth ring of hell

Related tune: Poetry Man by Phoebe Snow (mp3 via

posted by drew on 2/10/2006

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Brokeback Mountain script! Sorta...

There are some movie scripts that people request the hell out of on a daily basis, and Brokeback Mountain is one of 'em. Every day, another heart gets broken when I let them know that alas, I do not have this screenplay yet. Or worse, the e-mail gets buried in spam, I never see it, and the person probably deems me a wanker and vows to punch me in the kidney when I'm not looking. This hasn't happened yet, but I'm especially cautious of any stranger who's in slugging proximity of this mighty sensitive organ.

Long story somewhat shorter, a fella who asked to be called Jack ( was kind enough to throw me a dialogue script of Brokeback. Basically, it's a transcription of all the words in the flick, and that's it. Bare bones to the hilt. Dialogue scripts are a mixed bag; some people love 'em, some think they're the Antichrist. I think of 'em as a Saltine cracker. I'd much rather have a Ritz, but if I'm hungry enough, it ain't half bad. And it's better than, y'know, starving.

This is why I'm not paid to make analogies.

Anyhoo, check out the dialogue version of the Brokeback Mountain Script.

And even better is the Warm Springs script (the real deal), courtesy of Babs. It just won the WGA award a few days ago, so you know it's good readin'.

And for those of you who say I never mention scripts on the blog, there you have it.

On a side note, I learned today that James Frey wrote the excruciating Jason Lee/David Schwimmer flick known as Kissing A Fool.

In my book, this is a much more heinous crime than the whole "liar, liar!" nonsense; why didn't Oprah nail him to the cross for this crime against humanity?

And if you haven't entered yet, there's still loads of time to enter the "Predict The Oscars...Poorly" contest!

Related tune: Sugar Mountain by Neil Young (flash via

posted by drew on 2/08/2006

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Will Crash take home Best Picture?

Click the pic to enlarge, yadda yadda.

Related tune: Against All Odds by Phil Collins (mp3 via

posted by drew on 2/06/2006

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Love the sinner, hate the film

The story.

Related tune: Love Is A Battlefield by Pat Benatar (mp3 via

posted by drew on 2/03/2006

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new movie haiku for you, boo

You know the scoop by now; here are my thoughts on the new movies coming out this weekend (all two of 'em) expressed in haiku form. Remember, I use lower case for everything, because I bust my haiku all ee cummings-style, yo.

That sound you hear is e.e. cummings turning over in his grave. Violently.

something new

sanaa needs a man
boy toy trumps race/class issues
girl gets her swirl on

when a stranger calls

meh - been there, done that
jamster ads are scarier
this rose ain't got jack

And that, as they say, is that. Might as well just stay home and rent Corpse Bride or Bubble.

Don't forget to enter Drew's "Predict The Oscars...Poorly" Contest which you have a much better chance of winning than your rigged office pool.

Related tune: Don't Talk To Strangers by Rick Springfield (flash via le site de DJ Seb-G)

posted by drew on 2/03/2006

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Drew's Predict The Oscars...Poorly Contest!

Everybody has a prediction contest that rewards you for being an Oscar expert; this is the one contest that rewards you for your ignorance! Plus, I'm givin' away a massive prize pack on this one, so move your lazy derriere and enter today!

Before I change my mind and keep all this cool stuff for myself, I mean.

Related tune: It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp from Hustle & Flow (Real Audio via )

posted by drew on 2/02/2006

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Drew's Blog-O-Rama:

Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.

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